i am sooo depressed

[luvinmomofone1]

my father was a good man, my mom and dad got a divorce when i was a young teenager. they both remarried, my moms husband ed..who i liked alot, died sometime in the fall 2010 and then christmas morning i lost my dad. my half sister found him she is 21. he had fell and hit his head on the corner of the tv table and had a massive coranary and major stroke. alyssa told me it was very shocking and bloody. but me and the stepmonster dont get along and never have. so like i was saying everyone was able to go to the funeral but me. i didnt even get anything not even a pic of him. she gave it all to my sister and she wont share cause she will never forgive me for not being at dads funeral. the only problem was i had just come back from arizona visiting my family including my sister..mom paid for my ticket cause i am poor. i came home 2 days before christmas. so when dad died noone had any money to lend me to get a ticket and i had no where to stay cause the stepmonster said no to her house. i am so depressed i feel like cutting myself again, they dont have one on one sessions for counseling here in arizona its mostly group counseling. i went to a few groups but its not my cup of tea, i would rather talk in a forum. they wanted to do a thing on grief a few months ago right after i started but i left cause i wasnt ready to face it yet. still dont know if i am ready but i am ready to try...this is very painful. i moved in with my best and oldest friend but hes really turning into a verbal and emotional abuser..his mom died last year too. and hes 20 year older than me. i dont feel suicidal. i just wanna feel some pain, see some blood. get some release, i go see the shrink tommrow to get my meds refilled again. i DO take my meds every day. my best friend died like 2 years ago with my ex husband who again i couldnt not go to the funeral and that hurt alot. help me..i am not sure where i am supposed to go or how i am supposed to feel..its walled up so good i am having a hard time knocking it down

Do not stand at my grave and weepI am not there. I do not sleep.I am a thousand winds that blow.I am the diamond glints on snow.I am the sunlight on ripened grain.I am the gentle autumn rain.When you awaken in the morning's hushI am the swift uplifting rush.Of quiet birds in circled flight.I am the soft stars that shine at night.Do not stand at my grave and cry;I am not there. I did not die.