I lost my mom and my best friend

[LostDaughter2021]

My mom passed away on January 18, 2021. She had been in the hospital since a few days before Thanksgiving for congestive heart failure. The doctors gave her diuretics to get the swelling out of her legs (happens when heart isn't pumping right) and the diuretics did damage to her kidneys. After a transfer to a specialized heart hospital, the doctor told me on Christmas Eve that she didn't have long to live, maybe a few days to a few weeks. Worst news ever on the day I have to put on a happy face for my young children.

I was enraged because the hospital was Covid code red -- no visitors allowed. I hadn't seen my mom is weeks. Finally, the doctor said that I could visit her for 15 minutes because she was "end of life" stage. God's gift to me was that I saw her for 45 minutes that day and gave her hugs for the last time. She didn't want any more heart surgeries and opted for hospice. I told her that I would bring her home with me for hospice. She was concerned because her strength had gone down since Thanksgiving and she couldn't walk from the bed to the commode on her own. She was worried about needing me constantly, especially during the night, to go to the bathroom. She didn't want to burden me, knowing that I work full time from home and have children (7 and 3) who are remote learning because of Covid. She said, "Let me go to physical rehab and see if I can get a bit stronger to at least walk to the bathroom. Then I'll go to your house." So that was the plan. She was sick internally but she didn't seem horribly sick on the outside, just physically weaker. When she was transferred to physical rehab, she was initially doing better. She was walking to the bathroom by herself, chatting it up with everyone, and completely okay. I thought...I don't have long, but maybe she'll live for a few months. I was excited to get her home with me.

A few days later, she tested positive for Covid. It was quickly downhill from there. I wasn't allowed in the building but she was on the 1st floor so I sat outside of her window for days, hours at a time. I brought my blanket (it's freezing in NJ) and I would call her on her cell so that she could see me and hear me. I sang hymns to her and read the Bible to her (Psalm 23 especially) and told her that she wasn't alone. She died 10 days later. When the nurse called to say she died peacefully, there was ringing in my ears and I started shaking uncontrollably. I can't describe the numbness and the pain.

Since I left for college when I was 17, I've talked to my mom several times a day, every day. We got together at least once a week for lunch, to hang out, or do something with the kids. She came over more after I had my babies. I told her my secrets and she told me hers. I realize now that she wasn't just my mom, she was my best friend. I lost my friend. I'm struggling with the grief. I think I'm scaring my kids and my husband is worried. I'm desperate to find peace. I know that she is okay and isn't in any pain, but I'm not okay. I found her crochet hooks when I cleaned out her apartment and I'm currently making a blanket using her hooks (I haven't crocheted in over 20 years). How is everyone coping? I need advice because I feel like I'm going out of my mind.

[BEQUET93]

I am sorry for your loss. The passing of my own mother has been the toughest loss I have ever known, so I definitely feel for you. All I can say about grief is that it has to be taken day by day, or even hour by hour. Crocheting with your mother's hooks sounds like a really good idea. My therapist believes it is important for bereaved persons to understand they can still have a bond with the deceased. They are no longer here with us, physically, but they are still with us and even a part of us. For some, that thought might not be a source of much comfort, but I like feeling that connection. I have a little shrine dedicated to her and I will stop and talk to her picture. In my bedroom, I keep a picture of her holding me, when I was a newborn. I will watch old westerns, because she liked them. 

Something else my therapist recommended was to write what she termed a "trauma narrative." Losing a parent is traumatic and the exercise gave me the opportunity to externalize some of the grief, after having had the chance to think about the words I wanted to use. My narrative was only 20 pages, but, as I wrote, I did feel a bit of relief. 

Be patient with yourself. It has not yet been two months and, given how close you were to your mother, it is going to take some time. March 2nd will mark four months, since my own mother's passing, and I still feel her absence, think I hear the sound of her voice, and have tearful moments. I hope that you and your family will accept my condolences.

[LostDaughter2021]

Thank you so much to Valerie and Bequet93. I’m going to read the Bible verses suggested and write down some words about how I feel. Every day I still feel in shock. I can’t believe my mom died. 
There’s something odd about me. When my dad died, I was pregnant with my son and didn’t know yet. Years later when I had my daughter, my mother in law died an hour before she was born. I was pregnant at my mom’s funeral and didn’t know it. My doctors appointment is tomorrow. There is such a mix of emotions right now. I’ve had miscarriages in the past, but a healthy baby has made its way when I’ve lost a loved one. My mom knew how much I wanted a third child. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers that this blessing makes it way safe and healthy.