So much loss, so much grief, when does it stop!

[Maria_PI]

I am split at where to post this because there are chapters for parents, partners and pets, and I have lost all in a matter of slightly over a year. I admit I am a bit ahead of the third loss, that of my beloved Valentine cat, Tux. So I am going to spill it all here because I am crushed beyond belief!

I lost my dad, the best Father ever, pillar of my life, the one whom I take after and proudly so. He died from stomach cancer in January 2020, while I was caregiving for my husband who was in a hospital for leukemia. I cried non-stop for 3 days while flying over to Europe for his funeral. Then cried non-stop for another 3 days flying back, while dealing with flight delays, car rentals in the middle of the night and driving 300 miles at night because I missed the last leg and had to be back at the hospital to pick up my husband from chemotherapy. People were looking at me strangely at airports and in planes as tears were running down my face but no one dared ask. And I didn’t care, I couldn’t stop. They say that’s life and as long as death comes in order of the oldest first then it’s inevitable and we have to accept it. Well, he was my only father and I still can’t believe he is gone. I owe who I am to him.

Then came the hardest loss of all, my soulmate succumbed to this awful disease that spills the pain throughout the whole body and shuts down all organs. A nightmare even for the “professional sufferer” as he called himself, never losing his sense of humor while he was able to speak. When he eventually couldn’t speak, he just looked at me with this indescribable sorrow in his eyes that is forever seared in my memory. I lost my better half. He was the Love of my life, I was nobody before I met him, he made me feel like I was somebody, because of him I had a good life, feeling loved and encouraged to be the best I can be and valued for that. Now I am back to being nobody. He told me and wrote me a letter before he passed, so thoughtful and forward thinking, that he would be with me forever, one way or another, in body or spirit. So I kept him close, his ashes in our bedroom, lighting a candle every night, 9 months yesterday.

A while after my husband passed I started feeling his spirit reaching out to me through our beloved cat, Tuxedo. Tux would come and lie on his side of the bed all night, every time I move or wake up, he would come and give me a kiss. Never did that before, even when my husband was away. But then Tux got ill, developed allergies and what I thought was sinusitis, couldn’t breathe, sometimes blood would come out of his nose and couldn’t eat. I am lucky to be able to work from home so I could observe and take him to the vet right away. They did all kinds of tests, including biopsy, all came out negative, as in normal. For a time with some medications he seemed to have recovered, but since last Friday he just stopped eating. Totally lethargic and refusing to eat. He is 11, unless they misstated his age when I adopted him on Valentines day 2014. The vet says he has arthritis and gave him medication for that, to no avail. I think Tux is finally realising that our Barry is not coming back and so he is going to die from depression, well starvation from depression. And there is literally nothing I can do to prevent that. I try to feed him but he just turns his head away. I don’t know what to do. It’s like losing my husband all over again. Since Barry retired, he and Tux were inseparable day in and day out. Barry would talk to him like he was his son, the connection was incredible. I called them my two Valentine cats. Barry even left Tux a voicemail once when we were both away in the hospital and Tux was home alone, to reassure him that we were coming back soon and not to worry. I now feel like Tux just want to be with Barry, I keep asking him why he wants to leave me but he just looks at me with the same indescribable sorrow I saw in Barry’s eyes. Am I going insane?!

 

 

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[widower2]

Hi Maria, I'm so sorry for all of your losses. Any loss is hard, but when they come one after another like that it just compounds things. I didn't suffer such losses in rapid succession, but I have in recent years lost the love of my life, my father, and my (her/our) beloved pet.

I don't know if this will help any, but I created a web site about dealing with loss here, you're welcome to browse it for whatever it's worth:  https://bill5454.wixsite.com/griefhelp

[Gail 8588]

Maria PL, 

I am so sorry for all that you are going through.  So many losses one on top of the other.  Losing your husband is life shattering by itself, but coming so quickly after the death of your father is especially disorienting. Now with your cat slipping away to join Barry, it compounds your grief.  

I don't think you are going crazy, though I understand it can feel like it.  This is grief.  Life shattering, gut wrenching, mind numbing grief. I am so sorry you are experiencing it.  I know how excruciatingly painful it can be.

Don't expect to be your old self any time soon. You may never feel like your old self again, but you will eventually morph into your new self.  Give yourself time to heal. Try to take care of yourself, eat, sleep, take walks.  Try not to figure out your future, that is too overwhelming right now. Just do what you have to do today.  Getting through today is challenge  enough.

Come here to vent, cry, share, question or just read.  We understand. Our lives have been shattered too.  We will provide what comfort we can. It does help to know you are not alone.

Gail

[Maria_PI]

Thank you all for listening and understanding! This site has helped me a lot in my grieving process, just knowing I am not alone on this journey helps. I have found valuable insight and advice here on how to cope, but in the end it’s my pain and my cross to carry, I have to find my way forward. It just that at times it feels like I am being punished for something, which I don’t know what it is and can’t change. I am not a control freak but I don’t like when things are out of my control and there is nothing I can do to make it right. I feel utterly helpless in times like this, seeing my vaforite people suffer and nothing helps. And on the other hand I don’t want to seek professional advice on matters of the soul, or I could end up drug dependent or police knocking on my door (like Mark posted here, so sorry that you were dragged through that, Mark!). Just venting here and crying myself to sleep helps sometimes.
Love to All! [emoji3590][emoji3590][emoji3590]


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[KayC]

Maria, I am so sorry, that one should suffer so much loss in that span of time is unfathomable.  I lost my George and several pets over the next year and years to come.  Then my mom, then my sister, many friends, more furry companions.  But to lose everyone that quickly?!  I am truly sorry.  No you are not crazy.  And you're fine posting here, we all know you already and most of us have had similar losses, just not all at once. 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/04/in-grief-coping-with-multiple-losses.html

 

[Roxeanne]

14 hours ago, Maria_PI said:

. I lost my better half. He was the Love of my life, I was nobody before I met him, he made me feel like I was somebody, because of him I had a good life, feeling loved and encouraged to be the best I can be and valued for that. Now I am back to being nobody.

Maria i feel the same...i don't know why we have to suffer so much!

Here we  understand...we  are  walking in the dark feeling nobody again!

Take good care of you.

I just want to hug you

[Darlene13]

I'm so sorry for what you've been through, Maria.  Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and praying your kitty's health turns around soon.  The morning my mom died in 2011, we came home to our little shih-tzu howling and when I picked her up her muscles went taut and she peed all over me. It was a heart attack, and she'd never had any hint of heart problems before.   I felt like it was all just too much at once, too.  That was the hardest time in my life until my husband died seven months ago today.   I don't really know where I'm going with this...I just know how overwhelming it is and somehow we get through it, leaning on each other for comfort and support.  Take care...sending you a hug today.

[Perro J]

Maria,

I am very sorry to hear Tux isn't doing well. I am an animal lover and losing a pet breaks my heart. I've had instances where I've tried too hard and prolonged a pet's suffering and other instances where I wish I had done more for them. My mother is going through a similar situation with her rabbit. The vet has given a poor prognosis. The pet has other discomforts which maybe could use vet attention - but should that treatment be risked at this point? It is very easy to second guess yourself after any given decision. I guess what I have concluded for myself is that I simply ask myself: If our roles were reversed, what would I want done for me? It doesn't make a hard decision easy but it does give a little guidance and comfort during the decision making process. I hope Tux rallies and you get more time with him.

We've all suffered enough here - that is for sure. Yet we still feel the pain of our losses. It is not clear to me when it ends.

I reported losing a parakeet back in January. The cage mate was pretty lonely. I did buy a new friend for him this week. The bird is adorable. Sits on my finger and shoulder - gets along with the older bird and the older one has perked up now that he has a companion. I still miss the lost one though. Pets really are part of the family. Give Tux my best and I'll add him to my prayers.

[Maria_PI]

we  are  walking in the dark feeling nobody again!

Roxeanne, this perfectly sums up how I’ve been feeling in the past year or so. (((Hugs)))


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[KayC]

13 hours ago, Perro J said:

I did buy a new friend for him this week.

I am so glad, Perro, I hope you/they have many good years together.  Pets can be amazing company!

[kay TX]

The sad waves just came all over me.  I wish I could just close my eyes and die.

[kay TX]

If I were going to die tomorrow, I would cry less today. 

[KayC]

Yeah, the tough part is living with this.

[Dianna Stone]

lost the love of my life don.t know how to go on was married 36 years it hurts so much 

 

[Sparky1]

Dianna, I'm very sorry for the loss of your husband. Everyone here is in the same boat and we are all going through the emotions that you are experiencing.  I'm almost at 5 months at the loss of my wife and the emotions are still so raw that I don't even know what to do. Coming here will help you, as we can relate to what you're going through.

[Diane R. E.]

Hello Dianna; I'm so very sorry for your loss. My husband of 37 years passed away a little more than 5 months ago. I know all too well how crushing the pain is, both emotionally and physically. I honestly don't know how I survived the first month or so, but I did, and you will too. Please visit this site often - it was a lifesaver for me. You can read other posts, as it's good to know you are not alone in this process, and you can vent your feelings, ask for advice, etc. Please take care of yourself by drinking fluids, eating what you can, and seek help for sleeping if sleep is difficult for you, We are here to support you! 

[kay TX]

Diana, So sorry you're going through this nightmare as well.  I 'lost' my spouse of 40 years 7 mos. ago.  He's in my dreams 8 times now.  Last night and this morning twice.  I don't know how to go on either. The future has no meaning to me.   It just feels unreal.   I cried last night for hours, and I cried to my son for another hour while he was driving this afternoon....  All things are becoming rather meaningless, just to stay 'alive'.  

[Darlene13]

I can relate to how you're feeling, Dianna.  It is incredibly hard to find yourself alone after years of marriage.   It's been 7 mos for me and I still break down at times...I will feel like I'm doing ok for a while, then the grief will hit me hard out of the blue.  Coming here and knowing everyone is in the same boat and understands has been a lifesaver for me.  Journaling has helped me too.  I actually write in my journal every month on the anniversary of his death to tell him how much I miss him and things I wish I could tell him about.  Yes, grief has made me a little crazy, but we all deal with it in whatever ways we need to, I've found. Hang in there...I'll keep you in my prayers.

[steveb]

8 hours ago, Darlene13 said:

I can relate to how you're feeling, Dianna.  It is incredibly hard to find yourself alone after years of marriage.   It's been 7 mos for me and I still break down at times...I will feel like I'm doing ok for a while, then the grief will hit me hard out of the blue.  Coming here and knowing everyone is in the same boat and understands has been a lifesaver for me.  J

It's been about 7 months for me also Darlene.  I'm going through pretty much the same cycle of being ok for a while, and then getting hit hit hard with emptiness and loss.  I was married for 35 years.  Coming here has been part of the glue that keeps me together.

My prayers for everyone on this forum.

 

steve

 

[KayC]

On 3/14/2021 at 7:10 AM, Dianna Stone said:

lost the love of my life don.t know how to go on was married 36 years it hurts so much 

 

I am so sorry!  You have found a good safe place here with others that "get it."  I hope you'll continue to come here and read/post.  It does help us not feel so alone in this and know that what we're going through is "normal" in grief.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Dianna Stone]

IT is all the stuff that you have to take care that is hard and not having him here to help or no one to help

 

[Yoli]

1 hour ago, Dianna Stone said:

IT is all the stuff that you have to take care that is hard and not having him here to help or no one to help

That's right. I don't think anyone realizes the shear volume of things we have to tackle on our own now. From the mundane to the momentus, totally on us.

[KayC]

Yep!  And as I've aged and fallen, had injuries, I've had to hire my yard work done which I can ill afford, but I don't want it to be a fire hazard, so...