Grieving/ feeling lost - my partner is on a ventilator in critical condition

[Lindafg]

I’m so worried. He has Covid and it’s been all bad news. I’m so afraid right now. 

[KayC]

@Lindafg  I am so sorry.  I'll be praying as will many others here, I'm sure.
You are undoubtedly going through anticipatory grief...it's a hard place to be, the person is still alive but I've been there, feeling I've already lost them as we see what's happening and no of no way to stop it.  We feel like we're in no man's land when that's happening.  We live with grief.  I felt that way when I took care of my MIL the last three years she was bedridden with cancer, she was the sweetest person in the world, the mom I'd always wanted, my best friend.  And I felt that way when my soulmate in a dog, Arlie, was diagnosed with cancer.  I wrote  about it in 

  Not equating it with losing a spouse at all,  nothing is as all-encompassing as that, but I'd already lost my spouse, my dog companion was everything to me.  Living with Loss seemed an apropos title to me because that's what we're dealing with as we go through it.
 

I hope some of these links are helpful to you either now or later.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2009/11/anticipatory-grief-and-mourning.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/anticipatory-grief-and-mourning.html
https://healthmatters.nyp.org/how-to-cope-with-grief-amid-covid-19/
https://keyt.com/news/national-world/2021/02/03/loneliness-pandemic-how-widows-are-dealing-with-grief-amid-covid-19/
COVID-19 Grief Guide

 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Perro J]

I too made my first post here as my fiancee was ill with cancer. She is gone now - but this site has had some good advice in terms with coping with loss. My honest hope is that things will turn for the better for you and you won't need to be here. I hope he turns it around and recovers. Please know you are welcome here no matter what happens. Wishing you the best.

[Diane R. E.]

Lindafg; I'm so sorry, and praying your partner recovers! My husband didn't die from Covid, but he too was on a ventilator in critical condition. He passed away almost 5 months ago, but I sincerely hope your partner pulls through! ((Hugs))

[jmmosley53]

Hello Lindafg,

I am so sorry that your loved one is in such a serious condition.  I will say a prayer that God gives you the strength to endure this terrible time.

What ever decisions you make regarding your beloved care, I advise that you hold his hand, kiss him a thousand times, Say I love you till your throat hurts.  When he recovers he will laugh at you for being worried.  If he does not recover, you will know that you said the right things for him to hear.  That you let him know he was loved and is not going to be forgotten.

Please let us know how you are doing.  You are in my thoughts, I wish you calm and a moments peace.

[Lindafg]

Thank you thank you thank you all.  I so appreciate your words. Rich just turned 56!  And I’m in shock and so depressed and the sr said he would not survive!  His lungs are that bad.  It can’t be so

[Gail 8588]

Lindafg,

I too am praying for you and your love.  

Gail

[Yoli]

6 hours ago, Lindafg said:

I’m so worried. He has Covid and it’s been all bad news. I’m so afraid right now. 

I sincerely hope you do not have to join us in this world of loss. We'll be here for you no matter what.

[LoveNeverDies]

@Lindafg I’m praying that he makes it through this ! ((( Huge Hugs )))

[LMR]

@Lindafg

I am so sorry, I hope Rich pulls through.I'm not much good at advice because I am such a mess myself. However, because he has Covid I don't suppose they will let you be by his side. Take something to show him through the window, a card, a picture, something that will make him smile. He needs to be thinking happy thoughts to give him strength. For you too.

And the doctors are not always right!

[Lindafg]

Yes thank you.   Unfortunately with being on a ventilator, he is sedated and paralyzed.  I have not been able to see him and talked to him 16 days ago before he was ventilated.  Covid is so cruel that way and it makes it worse.  I pray every second of every day that the drs are wrong! 

[Roxeanne]

Linda we all are with you and Rich....we hope with you

[Sparky1]

Linda, I pray that your husband comes out of this. This covid situation has been brutal, and not being able to see your loved one makes it that much harder. We're here for you and all of us will be praying and hoping that he gets better soon.

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Yoli said:

I sincerely hope you do not have to join us in this world of loss. We'll be here for you no matter what.

I second this! 

[Lindafg]

I’m so glad I found this website.  I felt so alone. Like no one can understand what I’m going through. I feel scared too and angry.  I know that’s part of it but sometimes people don’t want to deal with you and those emotions.  I appreciate what everyone wrote to me.  As you can see Rich is vibrant and young!  He doesn’t deserve to be like this right now. Praying every second of every day...

[Gail 8588]

He does not deserve this. You do not deserve this. Praying that he will recover and return to you! 

Gail

[jmmosley53]

When my husband was on the verge of death in the hospital I was not allowed to go see him because of COVID protocols. The nurses would put the phone on speaker and let me talk to him.  I was told that he might be able to hear my voice but not respond.  I was very glad I was at least able to speak words of love to him.  I hope you are given similar opportunity, until he recovers, which is my sincerest hope.

[KayC]

@jmmosley53  My sister was in a coma 4 1/2 months with brain damage (it left her quadriplegic and butchered her vocal chords), she was only 25.  She later said she could hear us but couldn't respond.  That gave me hope for people who are unresponsive, to keep talking too them, seeing them.  My grandmother was left that way about 13 years following a major stroke.  My grandfather spent every day visiting her, brushing her hair, holding her hand, talking to her, reading her letters and cards from the grand kids.  Oh to have that devotion!  I had that in George.  Personally, I'd trust he heard you and that it brought him comfort.

20 hours ago, Lindafg said:

I’m so glad I found this website.  I felt so alone. Like no one can understand what I’m going through. I feel scared too and angry.  I know that’s part of it but sometimes people don’t want to deal with you and those emotions.  I appreciate what everyone wrote to me.  As you can see Rich is vibrant and young!  He doesn’t deserve to be like this right now. Praying every second of every day...

We're glad you found this place too.  It's a godsend!  We are praying and hoping right along with you.

[Lindafg]

Today, Rich has 5% capacity in the left lung.  I know but This is an improvement as it was all white.  The other lung was 30% but is now 60%!   This is an improvement and I remain with hope and love for more miracles.  It doesn’t sound like much, but it is!!!!  Thank you all and thank you God.  Please keep the prayers and miracles coming!!!  I believe ...Linda 

[Gail 8588]

You can count on us to keep praying.  We will rejoice with you as Barry comes back to you. 

Gail

 

[Lisa Allen]

I hope things work out for you.  My husband died of Covid-19.. 

[Perro J]

@Lindafg An extra prayer was just made - how happy I would be to hear he gets through this. Wishing you both the best!

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Lisa Allen said:

I hope things work out for you.  My husband died of Covid-19.. 

@Lisa Allen  I am so sorry for your loss .  I hope you will continue to come here and read/post.  These articles are for you too...

https://healthmatters.nyp.org/how-to-cope-with-grief-amid-covid-19/
https://keyt.com/news/national-world/2021/02/03/loneliness-pandemic-how-widows-are-dealing-with-grief-amid-covid-19/
COVID-19 Grief Guide

 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[LMR]

Linda. Hang in there! My local hospital just released a patient who had been hospitalized for 85 days with covid. 60 days on the ventilator plus he was in an induced coma. He has now gone home to his family.

Don't give up.

[Lindafg]

Today, Rich has 5% capacity in the left lung.  I know but This is an improvement as it was all white.  The other lung was 30% but is now 60%!   This is an improvement and I remain with hope and love for more miracles.  It doesn’t sound like much, but it is!!!!  Thank you all and thank you God.  Please keep the prayers and miracles coming!!!  I believe ...Linda 

LMR-  Wow that is amazing.  It’s scary what the drs tell you.  But I hang onto anything positive instead.  This is positive. I needed that. Thank you thank you thank you

linda 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Lindafg said:

 It doesn’t sound like much, but it is!!!!

It is celebratory!  We hope/pray with you. 

A close friend of mine has CHF.  He had 5% breathing capacity and now has 68% just three years later!  He was literally at death's door when they got him to the hospital, I was afraid he was going to die.  The doctor just told him to get a dog to walk everyday, he's been looking, they're in short supply right now (he likes small ones) but I'm hopeful he'll be around many more years!  This is the hope I have for your husband too.

[Lindafg]

Thank you thank you thank you. Wow amazing story.    Hope is all I have right now.  I’m holding onto that!!