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I lost my self, when I lost my father


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I really don't know where to start with this, I'll just use words and hopefully someone will understand, I apologise in advance for any typos etc.

My dad died of a sudden heart attack,it wasn't something any of the family expected, he was always like a greyhound, zipping around doing jobs etc.

When he died my family was already very dispersed, I had 2 older siblings both estranged that didn't stay in direct contact with the family unit, unlike my self that would visit weekly or go on drives with my parents, just a little backgrounding.

When it came to that night I had to hunt down details for both siblings, while emotionally carrying my disabled mother with mental health problems though the night, neither responded till the following day. My dad had already been sent to a second hospital to give him a better chance and a heart operation to try help him.

This is where things went very..very wrong.

I went numb,I knew enough to understand lingo used by medics etc and had to relay that information to my mother in a way she could understand, a position I never thought I would be in for a number of years, my father even tho the surgery was successful, was pronounced brain dead due to lack of oxygen.

In rides the siblings, they take over the situation, I was still I'm shock after the fact of seeing the whole thing from the paramedics taking him from home to shipping him to another hospital.

My siblings took charge not only of my dads wishes, which none of them would of known and wouldn't take my feedback on but also my mother's care, one sibling took to saying she had power of attorney over my surviving parent.

To this day I still have not been allowed or shown that paperwork but I'm escaping the point, during the time of my father's machine switch off to present, I wasn't allowed to be there for it as I was to support my mother back home, I've struggled to grieve, it comes sudden and hard still feels fresh as the day it happened, this is because according to my therapist I'm sufferig delayed grief and ptsd.

My sibling that barely knew me, used my grief to abuse me, I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't eating, I just did as I was told from mopping floors to even being told to go to collage and leave a carer I'd worked at for years to get a " real job".

The abuse got too much and when i fought back the sibling would say things like

-I was only around for dad's money,

- I was being a princess by refusing to do something asked (I suffer with anxiety and a long history of depression) that my mental health was just due to trends, openly mocking my health in the family group they created. I have suffered with my issues for over 20 years I doubt a hashtag was an influence.

- accusing my husband of abusing me publicly to try make me see it their way, when it's my mental health that makes me struggle and not him, he's always supportive but doesn't understand grief or my family for that matter.

the final blow was accusing me of stealing odd change from around my mothers home, which I wouldn't,

hell I was in that stage of forgetting to eat let alone pondering my wealth status,and this resulted in me contacting the police to gain some space from them and being put in protection as apprantly it came under domestic abuse.

the family I should of been grieving with.

So I went into exile for a few months,felt I was making progress with my own trauma,but now I'm.summoned back In to their circle, because the one who hurt me, snapped my soul and shuck it for the sheer amusement of it, has been stealing 1000s from my surviving parent.

I dont have a clue where to start with this, its a whole mess,police are involved and it feels like living in some day time crime drama,  while on the back step am still missing my dad,I know I'll never not miss him, but I've never felt like I got to say good bye, I was to busy doing everything I was asked while others got time to resolve their grief.

This is just a % of what happened but again I apologise if I've posted it in the wrong place or badly formatted,

I don't honestly know how I can move forward while am stuck pulled back into the toxic environment, I get told to cut ties and run, but I feel morally responsible for my mother even if we are not really bonded as a mother and child should be.

Has anyone any similar experiences that can help with the delayed grief?

Sorry I rambled, I haven't had a space to discuss this since it all started.

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Dear LostFox,

I'm so sorry for your devastating loss. My deepest sympathies and condolences. It is a raw time to lose a parent and then dealing with hurtful siblings is not easy.

Take your time to grieve your dad. It's hard when you didn't get a chance to say the things you wanted. A counsellor had suggested to me speaking with my dad as if he was sitting across from me. Others have suggested creating your own rituals to remember your dad. You could light a candle, plant flowers, release a balloon, write him a letter. It's been 5 years for me and there are still days I feel regret and guilt for his passing. Everyone told me it would take time but I feel like there will always be a hole in my heart.

About your mom, I know it's very hard and you want to do right by her. I don't know if there is a social worker or other community resources that might help you discuss your options.

Please know we are with you. Sending my thoughts and prayers.

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