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No longer numb

Kris Traynor

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My dad passed away in June of 2019, at that time we weren't speaking, not due to a fight or anything. Just some animosity on my part and him preferring to be alone than reach out to anyone. I told myself I couldn't be that upset because of how things had been between us and completely numbed how I had been feeling. As I dealt with other issues in my life I recently began forgiving him and allowing myself to grieve. But now it feels like I can't make the floodgates stop with regrets and sadness. I found out yesterday that my half brother from his side (we never met, he was around 30 years older, my dad was very young when he had him and very old when he had me) passed away earlier this week. From my understanding him and my father hadn't had a relationship for many many years ("the kid hates me" is one of the few times he came up). But I had friended him on Facebook and sent him a message about our father when he passed and yesterday I got a notification he had accepted my request. I initially got excited because this was a connection to my dad and maybe I could learn more about my dad as he was a very very close guarded person. But then on his profile I saw he had passed and it felt like a punch to the gut. He had my fathers eyes, which I unfortunately do not. I don't have any other family to my knowledge on my dad's side left, so it is really hurting that I am all that's left of him. And all these regrets about things I should have handled different, gotten to say, etc are hurting. He won't get to walk me down the aisle, or meet his grandchildren. And I just can't make the hurting stop and it is really tough to sit with.

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