Fast forward

[ScotJ65]

It's been 3 months now since the love of my life was taken from me and my world ripped apart. My heart is totally shattered & I've been just about coping. But all day today, for whatever reason, I've been really wishing there was a 'fast forward' button on my life that I could press so that I can just get it over with & depart this despicable, cruel world soon and be reunited with her. I know that's my destiny anyway, but I want it now, not in 20 or 30 years time. I guess this phase will pass, and I'll get back to the old routine of trying to find a purpose here and putting a brave face on things. But I have to say, the thought of being with her again is so beautiful I can almost reach out and touch her hand. I'm so sad and heartbroken as I sit here typing this. I guess many others feel the same way right now.

[Yoli]

Yes Scot, it seems an added cruelty that we have to wait so long. I am now 52 and don't know how to face the years ahead of me.

[ScotJ65]

Me neither Yoli, but I'm guessing one day at a time is as good a way forward as anything. I'm 55 and my woman was only 54 when she died. I really miss holding her and can't stop thinking about her. I'm so sorry for your loss and know how you must be feeling.
 

[Sparky1]

54 minutes ago, ScotJ65 said:

I guess many others feel the same way right now.

I couldn't have written a true description of my pain any better than you did. In October, I turned 60 and exactly 3 weeks later my wife passed away at 57. She had planned to throw me a party but with covid and her being in the hospital, she didn't get a chance. I told her the only birthday wish I wanted was for her to get better. As you can imagine, my life was shattered in such a short time and that pain will never go away. I also don't know how I'm going to go on, devastated like this without her in my life. I told her when she was in the hospital that she was my life and to fight, but that damn chemo did her in.

[ScotJ65]

Sparky1 I'm so sorry about your wife, she sounds like a brave and gutsy woman. My angel didn't stand a chance with Huntingdon's, when you have it then it's just a matter of time. I often think that if governments and those eccentric multi billionaires put more funds into finding cures for horrible diseases rather than landing robots on Mars then our partners would still be with us today. But that's just how screwed up the world is. And that's partly why I detest it so much.
 

[KayC]

15 hours ago, ScotJ65 said:

I've been really wishing there was a 'fast forward' button on my life that I could press so that I can just get it over with & depart

Oh yes, we totally get it!!  With much time we can build a life we can live, but even then I often find myself yearning for that reunion day!  My big incentive to keep going, esp. with this social isolation, is my puppy, Kodie.  I have to live to take care of him and give him the best possible life...his life expectancy could be 16 years, he's one.  That'll put me at 83, then I'm ready, any time!!

15 hours ago, Yoli said:

Yes Scot, it seems an added cruelty that we have to wait so long. I am now 52 and don't know how to face the years ahead of me.

That's how old I was when George died, and in my family we live into our mid 90s!  It scared me, the thought of doing 40 years w/o him!  So ONE DAY AT A TIME!  Nearly 16 years later, I still live one day at a time, it's all I can handle.

14 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

I told her when she was in the hospital that she was my life and to fight, but that damn chemo did her in

I'm so sorry.  To me, nothing is more fearsome than cancer.

[Wink Hall]

I'm sorry for your loss and completely understand your feelings. I believe that we were truly given a gift in the time and love we had with our spouses but I have to believe the joys and life lessons that they gave must allow us to continue to move on and help us cope better with each day and that the smiles will again far outnumber the tears we shed now.

[foreverhis]

On 2/24/2021 at 3:11 PM, ScotJ65 said:

It's been 3 months now since the love of my life was taken from me and my world ripped apart.

I am so very sorry you have reason to be here with us.  It's the most comforting, caring community that none of us ever wanted to join.  And the members here really helped me during my worst days when it seemed the dark pit of grief consuming me was bottomless.  I could talk, question, be angry, express my feelings of guilt and regret, and even scream (verbally, of course) and know that I was understood. 

Your loss and grief are so new and raw.  Of course your heart is shattered and your world has crumbled.  How could it be otherwise when the love of your life has been taken from you?  But I promise you that time--lots of time--and help from others who truly get it will help you keep breathing as you start your unique journey.  We are all on our own paths, but we are walking that painful road together.

On 2/24/2021 at 3:11 PM, ScotJ65 said:

I've been really wishing there was a 'fast forward' button on my life that I could press

Yes, I've had days and even weeks like that, especially in the beginning.  I couldn't see how I could possibly live years and years without my husband.  So many days I was absolutely positive I didn't want to.  I never made any plans or anything, but there sure were times I could not get the thought out of my head that I had no reason for living--even though I knew our daughter and granddaughter deserve to have me around a while longer, especially our granddaughter.  She was only 10 and adored (and was adored by) her grandpa.  I need to tell her his and our stories.  I need her to know that he would have given anything to be here with us. 

A fast forward button still sounds mighty good many days for me, but not as often as at first.  I still haven't figured out how to live a purposeful life without John, but am learning how to ease the burden and carry my grief and my love as I slowly move forward toward whatever the rest of my life will be.  I am finding reasons to live because I am the keeper of our love, life together, and memories.

I was talking with our daughter the other day about COVID restrictions and how we are anxiously awaiting the day we can safely be together again.  They live in Seattle, so emails, texts, phone calls, and video chats have sustained us for the last year.  I mentioned a haiku I read early on:

We isolate now

So when we gather again

No one is missing

I told her that I was willing to wait as long as necessary because I couldn't bear to lose another person I love (almost did lose one last year) and that I don't want to be the one missing.  Then I said, "That wasn't the case for at least a year after we lost your dad."  She was stunned and asked, "Really?"  So I explained that I never felt suicidal and that I would have told her if I was, but that if I had been diagnosed with a fatal illness, I wouldn't have fought it.  I no longer fear death, but I no longer feel the urge to seek it either.  My grief will be with me always and I will miss my love every minute of every day.  But it is no longer the all consuming and crushing weight it was 2 years ago.

On 2/24/2021 at 3:11 PM, ScotJ65 said:

I'll get back to the old routine of trying to find a purpose here and putting a brave face on things.

Yes, to the former and no--emphatically no, IMO--to the latter.  Having a routine and working to find a purpose is a great thing, but I urge you not to hurry the process.  It's taking me much longer than I would have expected.  But I am making progress forward and I am having more times when I embrace the bits and times of light, hope, and even a bit of happiness (though it will never be the same kind of happiness until I am reunited with my love).

The "brave face" we are practically forced to wear by society?  Bollocks to that!  (My current favorite swear that always surfaces when I'm reading books set in Ireland.)  I did that, I'm sure all of us have.  Sure, it makes others more comfortable, but it is also dishonest.  Besides allowing our friends, family, and society in general to think we're okay or fine when we are absolutely not, it makes us feel we aren't even worthy of sympathy, comfort, or concern.  I know we don't want to feel we are a burden, but darn it, haven't we all carried the people we love when they've been through tough times?  Why would we think they wouldn't want to do the same for us now?  Not everyone of course, but at least some of our family and friends.

I'm not saying we should spill out our overwhelming pain to everyone all the time.  Of course not.  But especially with the people who care about us, we need to be more honest.  How can they really know how we are if we constantly put on a facade?  I realized the truth of this when I jumped on my much loved SIL (his sister). I mentioned that I was sick of people telling me how "strong" I was and how well I was coping--when I was actually a puddle of grief, tears, and snot most of the day.  She said something like, "You've always been strong.  My brother loved that about you.  I'm sure they mean it as a compliment."  Yeah, I didn't react well to that.  I told her and then started telling others that if they really knew me and my love, they'd know only one thing in the world could completely shatter me:  Losing John.

I still do not cry often in front of others, but I've always been that way.  I simply do not cry easily unless I'm by myself.  Still, if I'm having a really hard time, I now say so and may or may not elaborate.  It helps me to not say "fine" when I'm not.

On 2/24/2021 at 3:11 PM, ScotJ65 said:

I can almost reach out and touch her hand.

Oh, I know that feeling so well.  There are times I swear John is just around the corner, right out of sight and reach.  More than once, I've been jarred thinking I saw him out of the corner of my eye.  It helps me to try to keep our personal faith that there is so much we humans do not know and cannot understand about this wondrous, mysterious universe of ours.  I know in my heart that he is wherever is next for us and that it is a beautiful place.  When it's my time and if I'm lucky, he will be waiting for me with open arms and an open heart.  Our thread of love remains even though we aren't walking the same road right now.

[jmmosley53]

9 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Besides allowing our friends, family, and society in general to think we're okay or fine when we are absolutely not, it makes us feel we aren't even worthy of sympathy, comfort, or concern.  I know we don't want to feel we are a burden, but darn it, haven't we all carried the people we love when they've been through tough times?  Why would we think they wouldn't want to do the same for us now?  Not everyone of course, but at least some of our family and friends.

I so agree.  The first few days after my husband's death I was unable to hide my distress.  My family is a very close loving group and they wanted to help me.  Thing is I didn't need help so much as I needed someone to just be there to hear me tell what happened and to keep plenty of tissue around.  They made tea and just sat with me.

I am one of the older of my siblings and the 1st to loose a spouse.  They were looking to me so see how to cope with the loss, what to do, when the time comes.  Knowing they were looking to me - I am trying to be careful of the example I set but at the same time, I want them to be able to grieve as they need to grieve when their turn comes.

Cry - my beloved Richard is worth a few 1000 tears

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, jmmosley53 said:

Cry - my beloved Richard is worth a few 1000 tears

He is indeed.(HUGS)