Still cannot believe he is gone.....

[Markou]

Hi to everyone on this forum…i was happy to see that there is a place for me to find solace with others who are going through with what I am in losing the love of your life

My husband passed away July 14th 2020 at the age of 57 (and six days before our anniversary).....just over 7 months and I still cannot believe he is gone...He was my soulmate and I his.    I never expected to find myself being a widow at 48 years of age.  We met late in life (I was 35 and he was 44)

He was diagnosed with cancer in early march 2020 and unfortunately just a little over four months later he had passed.

I miss him every second of everyday…his laughter, his hugs, his advice…..his presence.

Our only goal in our lives was for us to be happy and with all the mess going around over the world we had that..,,we were two happy people that loved each unconditionally

Waking up and not having him next to me is still something that I cannot come to terms with…I go to bed every night asking him to come see me in my dreams and tell me he is okay where he is in his afterlife but until now I have not seen him

 

 

[ScotJ65]

Hi Markou, I'm so sorry for your loss and understand the grief that you're going through right now. I too lost the love of my life, my angel passed away last November. She was diagnosed with Huntingdon's, one of the cruellest conditions imaginable. My heart is broken and I'll never be the same again. We were each others world, just like you and your husband were. I speak to her every day and night, just as if she were still here. I can feel her presence by my side, and I know she's waiting for me when my time in this lousy world is over. So, whenever you need support, you just come on here and you'll find it. God bless and take care.
 

[Markou]

Thank you ScotJ65 and I am so sorry for your loss as well.. i appreciate the time you took to reply...my husband had bile duct cancer and it is calming to read how others are coping as it is hard to talk to family and friends who as much as they try to help really do not understand..Take good care and God bless you as well  

[ScotJ65]

Markou, I know exactly what you mean. It's good to have family and friends around, but they're always so busy getting on with their lives (perfectly understandable of course). Sometimes it can feel overwhelming coping with all the intense feelings of grief, as you'll know yourself. My darling was only 54 when she was taken away from me, she was so beautiful and lit up my life. Now there's just a void that I somehow have to try and fill. Sometimes I can hardly believe how cruel & despicable this world can be. It's good to know that we always have friends here that we can turn to. 
 

[Gail 8588]

Markou and ScotJ65, 

I am so sorry for your loss, each of you. I had a wonderful marriage to a great guy too and it shattered my life completely to lose him.  It has been a long road for me to find my life again.

Be patient with yourself, be kind to yourself. Your brain is trying to put all the broken pieces back together to make you a whole, functioning person again.  But it takes time.  It takes quite awhile to really internalize that they are gone. 

The one thought I held on to was how lucky I was to have had him in my life at all.  Not everyone finds their true love.

Gail

[ScotJ65]

Thank you Gail for your words of encouragement. I know that I'll never find anyone like her again, she's irreplaceable. But you're right, life does go on and we make the most of each day. I'm comforted by my unshakeable belief that we'll be together again, somewhere so much better than this world. I'm glad that you, as well as I, did manage to go on a wonderful journey with our respective partners. And that journey will continue, but next time will be for eternity. (((Hugs)))

James.

[KayC]

@Markou  I am truly sorry for your loss, I met my husband in our mid-40s and lost him just 6 1/2 years later, unexpectedly...he looked the picture of health, you can't tell by the outside what is going on in the inside.  That was nearly 16 years ago, never did I dream I'd find myself growing old alone without him, he was my soulmate and best friend!

I am glad you found this place and want to welcome you here.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Sparky1]

Markou, I'd like to also say sorry for your loss. I also lost my wife to the dreaded cancer and it happened so fast that it was like getting hit by a truck. My life has been shattered and I struggle to go on, not knowing what the future holds. Coming here has helped, and I hope that you can also get some comfort from  these posts from us that have similar experiences.

[Markou]

Thank you Gail, KayC and Sparky for taking the time to reply.  I am taking it day by day and know that it will take time to overcome this loss.  One thing that I keep trying to think about is what my sister has told me ...that I was lucky to have had 13 wonderful years with my hubby than 35 or 50 years and lived a miserable life as many do.  

 

 

 

 

[KayC]

6 hours ago, Markou said:

I was lucky to have had 13 wonderful years with my hubby than 35 or 50 years and lived a miserable life as many do.

I feel the same, I spent 23 years in a cold loveless marriage with a controller and when I met George, OMG, we clicked like I never have with anyone!  We had mutual adoration, love, and respect and I only knew him 6 1/2 years but it was the best years of our lives!  It carries me still.  You are right, some people never have what we had.

[Bennie Jets]

On 2/24/2021 at 6:47 AM, Markou said:

I miss him every second of everyday…his laughter, his hugs, his advice…..his presence.

Our only goal in our lives was for us to be happy and with all the mess going around over the world we had that..,,we were two happy people that loved each unconditionally

Waking up and not having him next to me is still something that I cannot come to terms with…I go to bed every night asking him to come see me in my dreams and tell me he is okay where he is in his afterlife but until now I have not seen him

 

 

I am so sorry, Markou. It is exactly as you say. Grieving is a terrible pain you cannot escape or make better. I have never felt anything like it.

This forum is such a haven to find people who understand. You put it so clearly and beautifully. You wrote my story as well, except the last 8 words since I did have dreams. Maybe yours will come? Every couple is different. See the post from Lars M, called "A wonderful dream". His dream/vision came 7 months after his wife died.

For me, it feels like I grew a set of antlers and turned green  - and then walked through a door to find a room full of people who have antlers and are green. Other people can't understand and it is so scary to go through this. But there are kind people on this forum who understand exactly and make me feel like a normal human being again. Oh, what I feel is normal. You tube has also helped me a lot, especially Bill Webster's posts.

Sometimes I am ok for an hour or so and it feels like the calm before a storm in the eye of a Cat 5 hurriccane because I know it can't be. Sure enough a little later I am destroyed by pain again. My world is gone.

[Markou]

Thanks Bennie Jets and I am so sorry for your loss as well

Your comment "Other people can't understand and it is so scary to go through this" is so true....Some acquaintances have told me "there are worse things that can happen" and I look at them and wonder what else is worse?  I want to tell them -are you for real?? Honestly what else can be worse for me at this point in my life??  They try to explain their remarks by saying all they mean is that he could have suffered more or that I could have had kids (which i do not) that would not have a father now but to me I cannot fathom anything more worse than losing the love of my life.

Sometimes I just tell people that I am fine when I am not because I get the feeling that they  do not want to hear again how I am not.,,7 months may have passed but to me it is as if I lost him yesterday.

As you, I as well am ok at one point and suddenly a memory, a photo, a thought .take me back and I am devastated once again.

I wish my immediate family was closer but they live in Canada and I am across the pond so to say in Greece but luckily for technology I can “see” them whenever I have the need but even then it is hard because my only wish can never come true. 

I take it day by day

 

 

[Markou]

Oh I just read the post you recommended from Lars M, called "A wonderful dream"....what a sweet dream that was for him...thank you for telling me about it

[DMB]

Sorry for your loss Markou.

I can relate to quite of few of the recent topics here.  It also seems a few of us are widowed a little sooner than would be expected. So which is harder to accept?  That our loved ones are gone, or that we have to traverse this earth for years without them?  

I am planning on doing taxes this weekend, which is a reason why I drop by here from time to time, especially if I'm feeling anxious.  Reading and sharing here absolutely makes me feel a bit normal and not so much like I'm completely losing my stuff!  This is last time I am able to file married/jointly.  So, there will be day drinking involved, and I picked out a crock pot recipe so I can just throw it in there which provides plenty of time to complete this task.  I hope I can do it.  Bringing back lots of memories.  Not all of them good.  We sometimes had little quarrels over the paperwork/receipts and such. We never paid an accountant, I did his books while he wrote his own invoices.  

[KayC]

@DMBI hope you know you can claim your spouse the year they died whether they lived one day in it or all year.  I would not have known that if not for the grief forum I was on.

 

[Maria_PI]

6 hours ago, DMB said:

Sorry for your loss Markou.

I can relate to quite of few of the recent topics here.  It also seems a few of us are widowed a little sooner than would be expected. So which is harder to accept?  That our loved ones are gone, or that we have to traverse this earth for years without them?  

I am planning on doing taxes this weekend, which is a reason why I drop by here from time to time, especially if I'm feeling anxious.  Reading and sharing here absolutely makes me feel a bit normal and not so much like I'm completely losing my stuff!  This is last time I am able to file married/jointly.  So, there will be day drinking involved, and I picked out a crock pot recipe so I can just throw it in there which provides plenty of time to complete this task.  I hope I can do it.  Bringing back lots of memories.  Not all of them good.  We sometimes had little quarrels over the paperwork/receipts and such. We never paid an accountant, I did his books while he wrote his own invoices.  

@DMB your husband passed 2 days before mine. I am so sorry we have to be on this painful journey! I can absolutely relate to everything you say, especially the realization that I am widowed at a stage in life where it would be hard to find a new partner or even companion, and there are too many years ahead living without my soulmate. I also did our taxes myself, I am an accountant, and can relate to that topic as well. I filed our 2019 taxes after he passed due to the extension. I was in a complete fog then, I remember being anxious to sort all paperwork related to his passing in the hopes that then I can focus on the good times and the good memories we had. I don't think this will be possible for a while. So this year I though I would start early and get it over with. I am a bit more clear-headed now, I think. That doesn't mean the pain doesn't hit me every time I am reminded of what I have lost, and the last months of his suffering. At least our taxes were not complicated. But for 2020 I couldn't file online, the IRS rejected the return twice, so I had to print and mail them. I have no idea if they have been accepted. That is another story for the long haul...

I miss him so much, more with every day that I have to deal with life without his input, encouragement and advice. Not to mention without his voice and his hugs.

[Bennie Jets]

7 hours ago, Maria_PI said:

I miss him so much, more with every day that I have to deal with life without his input, encouragement and advice. Not to mention without his voice and his hugs.

Exactly. That is why I don't think I will "get better" - you can't get better from death - it is not like the flu - it is a permanent loss. People who have not had one do not understand that. I think I would be better in 6 months, if he would be back in 6 months but I don't think that is going to happen. 

I would add to your list the amazing gift of having his presence in your life and him wanting to share it with you and share yours, no matter what. The song "All of me loves all of you" was one of our favorites. I was on his "magical mystery ride" - now it's over - I hope we will meet again, if not in this life than in the next. He picked a great life this time and I was so happy to be part of it!

"What's goin' on in that beautiful mind?
I'm on your magical mystery ride
And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me
But I'll be alright

[Pre-Chorus]
My head's under water, but I'm breathing fine
You're crazy and I'm out of my mind

[Chorus]
'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginnin'
Even when I lose, I'm winnin'"

[Bennie Jets]

22 hours ago, Markou said:

Your comment "Other people can't understand and it is so scary to go through this" is so true....Some acquaintances have told me "there are worse things that can happen" and I look at them and wonder what else is worse?  I want to tell them -are you for real?? Honestly what else can be worse for me at this point in my life??  They try to explain their remarks by saying all they mean is that he could have suffered more or that I could have had kids (which i do not) that would not have a father now but to me I cannot fathom anything more worse than losing the love of my life.

Sometimes I just tell people that I am fine when I am not because I get the feeling that they  do not want to hear again how I am not.,,7 months may have passed but to me it is as if I lost him yesterday.

As you, I as well am ok at one point and suddenly a memory, a photo, a thought .take me back and I am devastated once again.

I wish my immediate family was closer but they live in Canada and I am across the pond so to say in Greece but luckily for technology I can “see” them whenever I have the need but even then it is hard because my only wish can never come true. 

I take it day by day

 

 

I think other people mean well and want to make us feel better. If there is a good time to say it, maybe it would be best to let them know that it would be best if they could just listen and not say too much. There is no relative thing here that can make us feel better, so that train of thought does not work and actually hurts. It seems to imply that our loss is not that great - I am sure nobody really means to tell us that - but it does come accross that way.

Yes, I also sometimes tell people I am ok or I say "as well as can be expected". A trick I learned to still be true to myself is that I say something like "Well, I guess the polite answer is that I am ok, but I am really not ok. I miss him so much. How are you?" and shift over to them, so they know I can say 'I am ok' for them but I still acknowledged my truth as well, and we don't need to talk about it. If they are really close and want to know more, they can get into the "I am really not ok" part of my answer some more, but most people will just take the out and go for talking about themselves next, which is fine with me.

One day at a time is good for right now, yes. ((((hugs))))

 

[Bennie Jets]

@Markou there may be some helpful words in here:

(17) Living with Loss Series: Loneliness - YouTube

 

[KayC]

Thank you for sharing that, @Bennie Jets

[Markou]

Sorry for not having replied to thank you for the recent  kind words but the weekend and the next few days are hard....feb 27th was the day we woke up and noticed the jaundice in his eyes and march 2nd was the last time my hubby slept in our bed and the last day we were in our home together. .march 3rd he was diagnosed ....we decided that I would stay at my house where I lived before getting married to be closer to the hospital ...and that is where he wanted to stay while doing his therapy...i can hardly write from the tears ...this is so hard....I wish he had taken me with him.

[KayC]

Oh Hon, I think we all wish that.  

[Markou]

Thanks Kay C.....my mother in law passed away  5 months after he did and a neighbour  that was with her heard her call his name 3 times 

[Markou]

He had not seen her and she was not told when he passed a decision  my brother in law took as she suffered from dementia and her health was poor