Am I Going Crazy?

[CNCBoogie]

Six months ago I lost the love of my life who I walked through this journey with for the last 8 years. She was my everything. She was my soulmate who inspired me to become a better person today than I could have ever imagined.

Everything I worked for through the years was for my partner. She passed at such a young age and was about to turn 30. We were finally given the opportunity to look towards getting our first home together with the hope of starting a family unfortunately due to inheritance from the passing of her father last year in March. It hit us incredibly hard as I hoped he would eventually become my father-in-law. It was the first time she ever saw me shed a tear.

We never had much and most of our income went to expenses and basic living costs. She had very expensive medication on top of our bills and was also dealing with personal demons that spiraled out of control. I was borderline bankrupt through most of our relationship. I have been fortunate enough to hold a job during this traumatic time and I know most people would be ecstatic right now to even have a job. This time last year I only had a few hundred dollars to my name and now I have enough for a down payment on a home I thought we would get to share together. Nothing seems to bring me happiness in this world anymore. I had a several year plan in place for us until it all went up in flames. Now I'm stuck living through each day not knowing what I should do.

Our lease on our apartment ended on the exact date of her birthday this past November and since I have been living with my parents. I have been hesitant to find my own place because I honestly do not know if I want to live around here anymore even though my parents may not have much time left. I selfishly chose to live near my friends and family during our relationship. I'm so desperate I often offer to take my friends out to eat and pay for everyone's meal just so I have something to do. I never thought I would become the person you see at the restaurants dining alone. I took so much for granted and miss her deeply. These same friends I once considered my extended family were supportive in the few days following her passing, but have since disappeared and no longer reach out to me. It is almost like I no longer exist as they continue moving forward with their loved ones. It is a very lonely life now without my significant other. I wish we could have left together.

I recently turned 30. I had to experience the entire holiday season and both of our birthdays last year alone. I could potentially have a long road ahead of me. I use to look forward to growing old and creating memories with my partner, but now it seems as if I just count the days until I am reunited with her again. It seems like every breath I take causes pain knowing she is no longer by my side to share them with.  I wanted to grow old with this person and see the world together. I do not want to carry this pain for another 30 years. I never even got to say goodbye.

All I have left from our time together is some pictures of us and some from her childhood along with our first pet cat she took in over a year ago that I did not originally care for who I have grown attached to. I returned most of her belongings to her family as we shared no children to pass anything onto. I worry her memory will be forgotten in a box somewhere as her family rarely communicated with her. For most of our relationship I was only aware of about 4 surviving family members and at her funeral roughly 30 people were in attendance.

I was ready to drop everything and relocate in the months prior to her passing. I would have done and tried to do as much as I could for her. All she wanted was to live somewhere beautiful, in our own home with a fence so that she could have a dog, and have children. I do have many regrets and wish I could have offered her a better life that she deserved. I feel as if I failed as her protector.

The most heartbreaking end to our story is that she is currently buried about 6 hours away with her mother and father, which is two states away from where I have called home throughout my entire life. Since her passing I have visited her several times, but have been seriously considering leaving behind all of my loved ones to be closer to her. It's very difficult to schedule time off or plan a whole weekend trip just to spend an hour or two by her grave. All of my relatives are buried locally and I envy my family that they are able to visit them anytime they want. I do not have a job lined up or living accommodations yet nor do I know anyone in the area aside from her extended family who I do not regularly communicate with. Does it sound irrational to want to pack my life away to stand by the one I love? I know she would want me to be happy and not dwell in the past, but I have found it incredibly difficult to find purpose or direction. I feel at peace the closer I am to her and when I am around her. The family we finally started came to an abrupt end. I do plan on cremating our pet when it passes away and will bury its ashes across her grave. I hope that my loved ones will also honor my wishes and do the same for me when it is my time to pass on.

[Maria_PI]

@CNCBoogie I am so sorry you are going through this! I wish there was some magic pill that those of us who have lost their soulmate could swallow to be able to live on a full life, but alas! I understand the urge to be closer to your love but if that will separate you from family and friends, I’d say give it a bit more time. I think you made the right decision to move back with your parents for the time being. It’s very hard to be alone and isolated in the months after such loss. I can speak from experience. You can always come back here and read, vent or just find souls who understand. But in the real world in times like this it’s good to be surrounded by people who know you and whom you know. Take it slowly, you will know when you are ready. (((Hugs)))


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[jmmosley53]

Hello CNCboogie,

I am sorry for your loss.  I don't think your crazy, I think you are grieving.  At 6 months along this terrible journey, I am thinking that you are still in shock and brain fog.  It is probably the worst time to make life changing decisions.  Give yourself time. 

I think it is pretty normal during grief to question if you did everything you could have done for your loved one.  Also to have regrets, and worries.  But you have to understand that the memory of her will never be lost because,  you have it.  You will carry her in your heart forever.

[KayC]

I am so sorry!  My heart goes out especially to people so young facing this, it is so unfair and hard.  I am glad you found this place, it helps to know there are others going through it that get it and what you're experiencing is normal for grief.  I hope and pray you find some peace and comfort.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.