Sleeping in her bed tonight

[Perro J]

I am seated in her bed right now, using the same laptop I used when I very first joined this forum. She was still alive when I joined - she was in the hospital - and I was poised to leave her country in a matter of days - each of us knowing that would be the last time we would touch, kiss, or even just be in close proximity to one another.

I leave here tomorrow and begin my journey home to the USA.

I have sat in the spot in her home where she died, reliving the moment I looked at her face and realized she had let go - and been the one to leave first.

To say this trip has been difficult would be an understatement. Most of that being actually getting here, missing flight connections. Of course it is hard to visit her tomb. I wept and cried as I said I would. I so badly want to hear her voice, to feel her spirit, to have her still be here. The cemetery was very quiet with only the whispers of the breezes and the call of faraway birds. Her family has been very kind to me. They shared a notion with me that one of the ways they cope is that they imagine she is still with me in the USA, just as I like to pretend she is here with her family when I am back home. The problem is that she is not here, nor there.

Her and I discussed once what the afterlife might be like. We agreed that the body stays here and the soul moves on to the next.

Once upon a time, I bought a pair of lapel pins, each with the flags of our countries intertwined. I put one of the pins on my jacket and kept the other in my pocket in reserve so she could have one too. I remember we were at a home store, looking at some Christmas decorations and such, when her eyes locked in on my lapel. She stared intensely for several seconds, then looked at me and flung her arms around my neck and kissed me hard. Wherever we might go when we die, I have decided I want to be greeted by her, just as she was in that moment, with that look on her face and that kiss, to welcome me to the next place. Anything else is less than heaven.

[Gail 8588]

Safe travels home. 

We will be thinking of you and sending you strength to get through these days. 

Gail

[KayC]

Perro, thinking of you and thank you for sharing that memory, I believe that is what you will have welcoming you into heaven, hold that thought.

[Mark loves Sandra]

11 hours ago, Perro J said:

The problem is that she is not here, nor there.

Perro,

I understand what you're feeling completely (though I sure wish I didn't).  This is beyond heart-wrenching. To be in Ecuador without your beloved has to be crushing.  I have never visited Ecuador, but I imagine it is similar to Brazil.  So you are there in late summer right now, with the palms slowly twisting in the gentle wind and the call of tropical birds in the distance.  The cemetery would be particularly quiet, haunting, with the warm breeze flowing past your skin.  When you first visited her country I'm sure you found it to be almost enchanting and the people kind and welcoming.  Now it creates an aching feeling -- all the wonderful characteristics are still there, but something critical is missing.  What is Ecuador without that special Ecuadorian who meant everything to you?  How can someplace so beautiful, with such good memories, feel so empty now?  The people are still kind and welcoming, but now they seem to just be so many strangers passing you on the streets -- having no inkling of what you've lost.  How can something with so much promise have evaporated before your very eyes?  Hearing the Spanish conversations all around you only serves to reinforce the feeling that there is a hole in your life, that someone once gleefully spoke Spanish to you with a twinkle in her Latina eyes, but now there is only English in your life.  Something is missing.  Someone is missing . . . . 

Safe travels Perro.  I am there with you in spirit.

--Mark

[jmmosley53]

Hello Perro,

I wish you safe travels.  I believe that your beloved will be waiting for you in heaven with that same look on her face as you described when you get there.  I know, that we carry our loved ones with us where ever we go, in our hearts, in our minds, and of course they will always share a part of our souls with us.

[steveb]

21 hours ago, Perro J said:

I have decided I want to be greeted by her, just as she was in that moment, with that look on her face and that kiss, to welcome me to the next place. Anything else is less than heaven.

Powerful and beautiful words Perro. Thank you

[Perro J]

I am home now. The return journey went normally in stark contrast to the trip there. I thank you all for the well wishes.

It was nice to visit her family. Still, now that I am home, I am questioning whether I should have taken the trip at all. I realize now that I had hoped by visiting her tomb I would have felt something from the great beyond. It was stillness and silence. In some sense I think perhaps I opened the wound again, not just for myself but for her family too. I am home and acutely feeling the absence of her. I feel very sad today. I was planning to go back in July but today I am not so sure that is a good idea. I think I will reserve judgment for later on that matter. I am hopeful my feelings will change in the months between now and then.

On 2/19/2021 at 8:44 AM, Mark loves Sandra said:

So you are there in late summer right now, with the palms slowly twisting in the gentle wind and the call of tropical birds in the distance

Ecuador is proud of the fact that it has four separate climates you can visit. Your description could be either the coastal region or the Galapagos Islands - but she was a mountain girl living in a town at an elevation of around 8000'. Sweatshirt or jackets in the morning. OK for a t-shirt in the afternoon. The seasons don't change much where she is - wet season and dry season maybe a more apt description. The eastern part of the country is encroached on by the Amazon - and that part is probably has the most in common with Brazil. I've not been able to visit that part but pictures I have seen show it flatter and less jungle-like than I was expecting. Still, Brazil is huge and I suspect there are parts of it that do line up better with how I imagine it.

I wrote complaint to the airline. The trip there was supposed to take shy of 16 hours. The actual time was a little more than double that and included such highlights as sleeping on the floor at MIA and sitting in a plane on a taxiway for an hour. I realize it is a challenging time to travel but I think I deserved better than what I got. I'll be curious to see what comes of that. I tested negative for COVID just prior to my return and I am still feeling fine health-wise. Whatever health risks I may have taken traveling at least seem to have fallen in my favor. I am hopeful that this cursed pandemic ceases soon. My sympathies are with those of you who have lost loved ones to it or were limited in your capacity to be in contact with them when it counted even more. I recall my frustration in not being able to visit her in the cancer hospital due to protocols and my particular frustrations with one particular security guard.

Thank you all again for thinking of me during my travels.

[KayC]

Perro, I'm glad the flight is over, you are right, shouldn't take that long.  I flew to DC & NY with a group of teens and they put everyone but us up in a hotel for the night, whereas our group had to sleep on the floor of the airport, VERY uncomfortable & no sleep!  They refunded others but not us.  I do hope you hear back from them.

You made it through it.