Covid took my high school sweetheart of 37 years together

[Wink Hall]

I lost my love on 1/17 as the after effects of Covid caused cardiac arrest. She'd tested negative the week of Xmas and her job only worked half that week .She'd come home pissed off during the beginning of the week because she knew another office employee had been exposed by two of his family members and still came to work.Manelly was my wife's name, my son and daughter in law were going to stop by on Xmas to pick up gifts (she's due March 9 with our first grand child) keeping everything safe and the proper PPE be worn by the five of us(our daughter lives with us). Manelly had the sense to call them off from coming since she had concern. Xmas eve and morning came around and she started receiving texts from coworkers with reports of them getting sick with Covid. She woke up the day after Xmas and had a runny nose , congestion, and a 99.1 fever, never loosing taste and smell. She then decided she would get tested and while waiting her turn another coworker came out and had  tested positive,her turn and she was positive. Home we went,she isolated in our bedroom monitoring her oxgen and temp which fluxuated as high as 100.4..Towards the end of the week she developed a slight hack,Saturday became more of a cough and a chore to get from the bed to the bathroom.We decided that when she woke up Sunday we would decide on the hospital.I came in and she told me she needed to go.I packed her up and got top the ER and gave her a kiss on her head and left her at the door. I pulled away and pulled over and cried so much my eyes hurt. Later that day I received a call from the doctor and she was stable but criticle , I felt my heart crumble.I received twice daily reports from the nurses and a daily call from a doctor. They loved her,she was compliant with a great attitude ! I would see the increasing number of covid deaths and say everytime that"she's not going to be one of those numbers" We would facetime ,with my family doing most of the talking since she got winded easily.She would respond with hand gestures.I have this facetime call with her that plays over and over in my head. Her first week in the hospital she moved her mask aside and told me " I'm scared, I don't want to die", I assurred her that wasn't how this story was going to end, keep fighting ,it's about small victories and reminding her we're going to have a grandchild to spoil (always got a smile). the next week came with continuing favorable reports but never being able to handle less oxygen. The morning of the 17th we facetimed, I told her I spoke to the doctor last night and they want you to keep on fighting and got a good report, I asked her how her night was and got a thumbs up and a text that she was going to have something to eat and drink, We parted with blowing eachother kisses and an I Love You. An hour later I get a call from the doctor,Mr Hall we're performing emergency CPR on your wife (my world crashed)how would you like us to proceed. He explained what to expect,I told him I had to call my children which I did and he called back a few minutes later to say they brought her back for a couple of minutes but she crashed again. He then explained options and Manelly and I knew eachothers wishes if ever in that position.I opted to make her comfortable,nurses facetimed us and I promised to always tell our grandchild about their "Lita" that was what she wanted to be called.I'm so sad !

 

[Bennie Jets]

I am so sorry, Wink Hall, I don't know what to say. Manelly did not deserve this and neither did you or your family. She sounds like a very responsible person, protecting your son and daughter-in-law and their baby. She was obviously a very hard working woman, too.

I am sorry she died so unexpectedly, after things were looking good that morning. It must have been a great shock for you. I am so sorry she won't get to be there for your grandchild in person now.

Please try to be kind to yourself. These days are hard. But you are not alone. There are people on this forum who know how you feel.

 

 

[Gail 8588]

Wink Hall, 

I am so very sorry for your loss. It is tragic and so unfair. 

Come here to vent or rage or whatever you need to post.  It is sometimes  easier to talk to us, who understand what it is like to lose your spouse, than it is to talk to friends and family. 

All of our grief journeys are unique due to our own circumstances. You have a daughter at home who needs you. Your son and his wife will soon have the baby.  These relationships will impact how you process this terrible loss. 

Of course you are sad.  The pain of grief can be so intense you may wonder if you can survive it. We get that, our lives have been shattered too. 

I am sorry you have reason to join our group, but welcome.  We will try to provide what help we can.

Gail

[KayC]

That is so hard, I am so sorry!  All because someone chose to ignore the guidelines and exposed so many people, so unnecessary and unfair!  I'm glad you found this place and hope you will continue to come and read/post as it helps to know what you are feeling/experiencing is normal for grief and you're not alone in how you feel.

I'm glad you have that small ray of light coming, a grandbaby can be a definite help, mine don't live near here but I love to see them when I am able to.  

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Caseyc]

Your heading says it all. I too lost my high school sweetheart of 37 years April 2020 due to Covid. He was my everything. At the time I could not see him in the hospital and I cannot accept that he died alone. I wasn't even allowed to have a funeral. I struggle daily and just get through day by day. I am doing everything to keep his memory alive. I talk to my grandchildren about him all the time. At family dinners they set a place for him. Do whatever feels right to you. There is no timeline or way to grieve. It is very individual. I pray you find peace.

[KayC]

@Caseyc  I am so sorry that you too are going through this, and I hope you can have a memorial service when Covid simmers down, I think this is one of the very if not hardest years to go through this.  My heart goes out to you.

I hope you will save the tips article I listed here as grief really does evolve and what hits you later on will differ from what speaks to you in the beginning.  I am glad you have grandchildren, I don't get to see mine very often as they don't live here but it's a positive just knowing they're there.

[Wink Hall]

On 2/19/2021 at 3:18 PM, Caseyc said:

Your heading says it all. I too lost my high school sweetheart of 37 years April 2020 due to Covid. He was my everything. At the time I could not see him in the hospital and I cannot accept that he died alone. I wasn't even allowed to have a funeral. I struggle daily and just get through day by day. I am doing everything to keep his memory alive. I talk to my grandchildren about him all the time. At family dinners they set a place for him. Do whatever feels right to you. There is no timeline or way to grieve. It is very individual. I pray you find peace.

I’m sorry for your loss and thankful for sharing, the similarities are saddening and maddening at the same time. I hope I will offer peace to the other sad souls that unfortunately have to go through this heartbreak.. Thank you .

[jmmosley53]

Wink I am so sorry you have lost your love.  COVID is a monster, it has taken so many wonderful people.  My heart breaks for you and your family.

[LoveNeverDies]

@Wink Hall Im so very sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you. ((( Huge Hugs )))

[Sparky1]

I am also very sorry for your loss Wink Hall. My wife passed away 4 months ago and I still can't believe how fast it happened. It doesn't seem real and yet I am devastated and can't fathom how to live the rest of my life without her. The covid situation was a factor for her passing as well. She was adamant that she didn't want to go to the hospital earlier last year because of the covid situation. Then when she finally went, it was too late. The restrictions that were in place made it difficult for me to visit her more than I wanted. Three times a week for 1 hour at a time. Please come here and all of us will try and support one another. Over here, you are not alone.

[bunny mc]

wink my story is similar. i lost the love of my life 1/29. we were together since teenagers and he was only 57. he was healthy and happy. our rock(i have 2 boys in college) always happy and laid back. EVERYONE loved him!  you know how they say opposite attract? we were complete opposites. i was the serious, not break the rules type and he was the fun one! I am missing so bad and feel like i cant move on. while in 2 weeks my family and friends did:(   I am going to get some counseling soon and hopefully it will help. i have not left the house since we went to the hospital on 1/28 to look at him on the vent unconscious. we facetimed(he didnt see us) me and the boys told him we loved him and it wasnt goodbye. but in the morning they called and said he passed. one of the hardest parts is not being able to hold his hand and whisper in his ear. 2 days in at the hospital he was able to txt and talk and he promised me he would never stop fighting (he was a tough guy). but honestly the docs never had one positive thing to say. it was very scary. they said he gave up! I know he didnt. l tried to move him to another hospital but it was too late. praying for all of us....

[Bennie Jets]

23 hours ago, bunny mc said:

wink my story is similar. i lost the love of my life 1/29. we were together since teenagers and he was only 57. he was healthy and happy. our rock(i have 2 boys in college) always happy and laid back. EVERYONE loved him!  you know how they say opposite attract? we were complete opposites. i was the serious, not break the rules type and he was the fun one! I am missing so bad and feel like i cant move on. while in 2 weeks my family and friends did:(   I am going to get some counseling soon and hopefully it will help. i have not left the house since we went to the hospital on 1/28 to look at him on the vent unconscious. we facetimed(he didnt see us) me and the boys told him we loved him and it wasnt goodbye. but in the morning they called and said he passed. one of the hardest parts is not being able to hold his hand and whisper in his ear. 2 days in at the hospital he was able to txt and talk and he promised me he would never stop fighting (he was a tough guy). but honestly the docs never had one positive thing to say. it was very scary. they said he gave up! I know he didnt. l tried to move him to another hospital but it was too late. praying for all of us....

bunny mc, I am so sorry for your loss, my heart goes out to you - 2 weeks is just a second when it comes to losing the love of your life - people on this forum understand that - I am so sorry you are here, but also glad  you found this community - people here really understand and are here for you day and night if you want to share something or just read what others say or if you need help with a particular feeling

(((big Hugs)))

[KayC]

On 2/22/2021 at 4:36 PM, bunny mc said:

wink my story is similar. i lost the love of my life 1/29. we were together since teenagers and he was only 57. he was healthy and happy. our rock(i have 2 boys in college) always happy and laid back. EVERYONE loved him!  you know how they say opposite attract? we were complete opposites. i was the serious, not break the rules type and he was the fun one! I am missing so bad and feel like i cant move on. while in 2 weeks my family and friends did:(   I am going to get some counseling soon and hopefully it will help. i have not left the house since we went to the hospital on 1/28 to look at him on the vent unconscious. we facetimed(he didnt see us) me and the boys told him we loved him and it wasnt goodbye. but in the morning they called and said he passed. one of the hardest parts is not being able to hold his hand and whisper in his ear. 2 days in at the hospital he was able to txt and talk and he promised me he would never stop fighting (he was a tough guy). but honestly the docs never had one positive thing to say. it was very scary. they said he gave up! I know he didnt. l tried to move him to another hospital but it was too late. praying for all of us....

Bunny, I am so sorry.  I didn't meet my husband until our mid-40s, we clicked right way, were perfect together!  He was my soul mate and best friend, he had barely turned 51 when he died.  We were not expecting that, we thought we had years left together.  
The porch swing we bought to grow old together sits alone, it was taken over by a cat but now even she too is gone.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[bunny mc]

Thank you so much. All of this is very helpful. And makes sense to me. I have to try real hard
 

[KayC]

Some days will be better than others, it helps to ride the waves.

[DMB]

That GD covid wave is like a tsunami!!!  

I am so very sorry to the members in this thread that have suffered loses from covid19.   I really can't imagine not being able to say goodbye in person.  I wish all of you much peace.  I know you would of been right there if you could.  Please be kind to yourselves.  No reason this virus had to get so out of control if you think about all we know now.

As hard as it was for me (cancer), the hospital did let me in an hour per day, and on that last day my kids were also allowed in.  I can only assume because there were no covid patients in that ward.

[KayC]

I'm glad the hospital at least let you in to visit, so many are not allowed.   

[bunny mc]

Yes but we couldnt go in the room. Watched him struggle through the glass door

[KayC]

OMG, I am so sorry.