How Long?

[BBB]

How long does it take before you stop saying "I can't believe this happened". How long until you don't feel that it is all a bad dream? Years? How many?

 

[Bennie Jets]

I don't know, BBB. But I imagine it may depend. Depend on how close you were, how great your losses are (can you stay in your home, will you lose couple friends, how many daily chores did your partner do for you, do you still have a job, children, family near, good friends or not, do the people around you understand you or not, etc.), how long you lived alone before you shared your life, how much you love yourself and can be compassionate and forgiving with yourself, how much help you have or can find, etc.

To some degree, I don't think I can ever understand or accept what happened. Unless I will be able to see it when I die, I guess. I have not heard of anything on earth giving me a satisfactory explanation and I certainly will always miss Alan.

I think my question is: will I be ok on my own? I am working on that and giving myself lots of room!

I know when my grandmother died (we were very close and I could not go to the funeral, only saw her in the hospital at the end) it took me ten years of dreaming vivid dreams that she was alright (at first, for about 5-6 years) and then that I went to see her and she was sick (a few more years) and finally I stopped dreaming about her. Every time I woke up during those ten years, I could not tell dream from reality and thought - phew!, she's ok, I have to tell those who thought she died that it was a mistake... - then I slowly started thinking, wait a minute, no, she is really gone and the dream was a dream and reality is she is gone, not the other way around. 

When Alan died I made sure there was a viewing and then I even went to witness the cremation. I wanted my subconscious to "see" that he was gone. It did not eliminate the feelings you describe. I have them, too. I don't know for how long it will last with the same urgency. I suspect the intensity of the pain will subside a little with time.

(((many hugs)))

 

 

[KayC]

No one can say how long anything takes, we're all different and it depends on so many factors, our attitudes, grief work, counseling, own coping ability, heck, even our family placement probably factors in! 

1 hour ago, Bennie Jets said:

I think my question is: will I be ok on my own?

Yes, but it's a process, and can be quite lengthy.  I've learned much about myself and this journey, being on my own nearly 16 years now.  My sister was married 50 years and had not lived alone but one month of her life when she was young!  She's very disabled but somehow is getting by with mine and a friend's help and even her neighbors.  She will until she can't any longer, and then we'll have to do something else.  One day at a time!