My boyfriend thought I was a demon and jumped out of our building.

[Hannah San Andres]

My partner had been struggling with his mental health but he always refused to consult a psychiatrist. He was paranoid about the people around us so we moved to many apartments multiple times. Because of too much stress from work, his anxieties, and financial problems, he couldn't control his mind anymore and he thought I was a demon who's going to kill him. He strangled me and I thought I was going to die at that moment. But when I got the chance to say that I love him, he cried and suddenly ran to our balcony. I couldn't believe that he's gone now. It's been 3 months, and I keep crying every single day. My memories of him always flash on my mind every minute. Sometimes I couldn't focus and I feel like I am also going to die soon. Everything can happen in a snap, and I can't do anything about it. He is my whole life. We were obsessed with each other. I can't think of a future without him. 

[LoveNeverDies]

Hannah , my deepest condolences  .I hope you find some comfort here in this forum.Please never feel alone in your grief, we’re a supportive group and hopefully we can help you through . (((Huge Hugs))) 

[Perro J]

Hannah, that is a heart breaking story. I am very sorry to hear of it. The list of people I know who have died by suicide is far too long.

I hope you understand when I say I wish you weren't here - that I mean it in the kindest way.

I wish you comfort and solace.

[Gail 8588]

Hannah,

I am so sorry for your loss.  I am so sorry for the pain you both went through as he struggled with mental illness, but I am sure that was only one small part of his collective unique self.  His kindness, humor, creativity or whatever attributes he had were the reason you loved him so.  I am sure he felt your love was an enormous gift. That you saw him, and loved him, even though he had this problem. 

Life is so unfair.  Why do some people have so many enormous challenges. Why can't they have a life with contentment, especially when they have found their soulmate.  I have no answer.  I am just so sorry for your tragic loss.  You both deserved better. 

Our stories are different from one another here, but that heartbreaking loss of having our lives shattered to pieces, we all share. 

Gail

[KayC]

Hannah, I just heard of someone doing something similar, some athlete, beat his GF horribly, she'll live with it for life, it was mental health issues, he was having an episode.  I don't think he willingly commit suicide but rather was so out of it he didn't realize what he was doing in reality.  I am so sorry this happened to you!  That a moment in time can affect our whole lives. 

 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[ScotJ65]

Hannah, I'm so sorry for your loss and what you must be going through at the present time. So many people try and cope on their own, and as we all know this life can be terribly stressful and demanding at the best of times. I can't imagine the emotional turmoil your partner was going through when he ran towards that balcony. Please don't try and manage this on your own. Consult a doctor and explain how your feeling. Help is out there, and you'll see the difference it will make to your own wellbeing. Your friends are here for you as well, so reach out and don't ever feel alone. God bless you and take care of yourself.

[Hannah San Andres]

Thank you for all of your messages. Reading your comments makes me feel that I am not alone and there are people who are willing to listen to my story.

Today I had a psychotherapy and my therapist said that I could be experiencing the same symptoms as my boyfriend, delusions. I am internalizing what my boyfriend went through mentally because I wanted to understand him. I have been feeling guilty that wish I knew what was going on in his mind, and I wish I knew how to help him at that moment.

I want to be strong and I want to survive this.

[KayC]

Hannah, this is a process and a long journey for which there is no ending, but I promise you it won't be as intense years down the road as it feels right now.  We want to be here for you as you go through this.  It's good that you're giving voice to your feelings.  What your therapist said makes sense to me.

[borbzgirl]

Hi Hannah, I don't think he jumped out of the building because he thought you were a demon.... I think he jumped out to protect you from himself. He might have thought you were a demon but he did come to a halt when you managed to say I love you, which probably brought him back to reality & some level of awareness, that he was hurting you but also knowing he can't control his mind, so I think he made a split second decision to jump to keep you safe from him possibly hurting you. I think that could have been his main reason...

I have no words of comfort to offer, I'm hurting too... But know that you're not alone in this long & agonizing journey. We're all on the same boat, and I wish us all the best of luck on our way to recovery.