Tegan took her life because of me!

[tegansmum]

This is the first time I have been on this site.

My 24 year old daughter (Tegan) suffered with BPD (mental illness) and she took her own life. She argued with me on the night she died and she hung up on me. And in the morning I got a phone call at work that the police were at my house. She had hung her self from her balcony of her apartment. . She had attempted suicide so many time and she was finally successful. How do I live with that? How do I cope? I am lost in this mess. I just want it to stop.... the pain....the guilt....the sadness....the loss....the anger......the hate. I am soooo angry. I have had such a hard time and I am lost. I can't see any time I will feel better. Has anyone else had a similar experience of not just losing your child but them dying because of you? I need something.

[westleysmom]

Tegan's Mum-I'm so sorry for your loss. My 20 year old son Westley died in his sleep last January. It was an accident, he had a couple of beers and took a prescription painkiller and the combination slowed his breathing down. He also had sleep apnea and I think that also contributed to his death. The last time I ever saw him was Monday night, and we fought because he'd been drinking and it was very late. The next morning, he got up and went to work with his Dad and I never saw him alive again. I spoke to him on Tuesday night, and he was supposed to be home in an hour. I told him I loved him, and he told me the same. The next morning, we got a call that his friend couldn't wake him. He'd stayed at her house and slept on the couch since it was so late and he'd had a couple. We rushed to the hospital, but the EMT's said there was nothing they could do, he was already gone when she had tried to wake him to go to work that morning. I still struggle when I remember that Monday night when we were fighting on the back porch and I didn't let him hug me goodnight because I was so angry that he had driven home after drinking. I still wonder if he had come home the night that he died if we would have found him in his own bed not breathing, or he would have had an accident on the way home, or a thousand other scenarios. On the "loss of Adult Child" thread there are a lot of us who have been through (what I think is) the worst loss anyone can ever experience. There are some on there who lost their child due to suicide, but we all share in the guilt and the what if's and why didn't I's that a child's death brings on the parents left behind, wondering what we did wrong or didn't do that we should have. This group of parents has been a lifesaver for me. I have been coming here for over a year now and they have helped me so much. When I'm feeling guilty, I can hear from someone who has been here longer who has worked through it and let go of the guilt, and it gives me hope. I won't say it gets better every day, because some days are still pretty bad. The first year is so very hard, coming to grips with the reality and finality of death of one of our children. I hope that you will come back and post more, and if you want to go the "loss of Adult Child" thread, its very active and the group there is so wonderful and understanding. There is no judgment or blame, just love and support. I wish you peace, which may be a long time coming. I wish it for all of us.

[shorty16]

Tegan's Mom

So sorry about your loss. But you are not to blame. "She had attempted so many times before" were the words you used.

Blame - guilt - that is easy to do. Being strong enough to say "I did not do this, I am a good Mom and loved my daughter." Those words are hard to say and even harder to believe at times.

Hang in there, my friend. You are not to blame.

Colleen

[shellyku]

Tegan's Mom - I am soooo sorry to hear of the loss of your dear daughter. If you say she attempted

suicide before, I don't see how it can be your fault. Forgive me, but, maybe with her mental illness

this is something that you could not have done anything about, no matter the circumstance. Just

an observation on my part. Guilt can eat away at your soul...I pray you find some relief from the guilt.

My daughter, Sarah, died one year ago yesterday from leukemia. We were there for practically every

minute of the 11 months she went through chemo, baldness, fevers, low blood counts and on and on...

and I still do have twinges of guilt like: why didn't I walk down the hall with her gurney when she was

going for a procedure, why didn't I talk more to her about whether she was scared, and so on. It is

something, like someone said in an earlier post (sorry, I forgot who it was exactly) that I believe each

and every parent who's lost a child feels to one degree or another.

You are in my prayers, Tegan's Mom! The advice that was given you to come to the Loss of an Adult Child

thread of this website is very good advice. The people there are genuinely caring, compassionate folks

who are walking the same path as you. As you are able, tell us about Tegan and we will listen and

walk with you. May you find some peace...one day at a time. Shelly

[wyomingsal]

Tegan's Mom....I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter to suicide. My husband of 15 years, also diagnosed with BPD, took his life last month, 4 years to the day that my son died. I don't know all of the dynamics between you and your daughter but I can bet they were difficult because of the BPD. So many emotions and feelings must be swirling through your head. The worst is the guilt. Please don't allow yourself to feel responsible for this. This is not your fault. I blame the illness itself for the loss of my husband. He struggled so long with the misery, anger, depression, and thinking that people didn't love him or care about him and yet he was the one who drove them away. The good wonderful person underneath would get lost because of the mental illness. The illness took your beautiful daughter's life! Not you! I am having all ranges of emotion in dealing with the loss of my husband including feeling guilty. Could I could have done something different? Could I have validated my husband more and maybe he would still be here? But I know that hindsight gives us a much better view. It is much clearer vision then we are allowed as we move forward each day...You do the best you can each day living with someone with BPD...and that is all you can do. I know this is different for me with my spouse then you for your daughter. So hard to lose you child. I lost a son 4 years ago in a drowing accident and that is the worst loss I have ever experienced. I am so sad that the terrible pain of losing your beloved daughter Tegan is complicated with the suicide and the bpd. With my husband, mixed in with the terrible sadness, I am also feeling some relief because I no longer have to live with the constant fear and anxiety that something I do or say will set him off. No more fear that I will have to take the kids to a hotel because my husband is freaking out. But if it were my son....oh how much harder that would be. I pray you find comfort and are surrounded by loving caring people. My faith is what has helped me through these hard times. Be kind and gentle with yourself. This is the hardest thing you will ever face. Don't let the what ifs and the guilty feelings overtake you. We are only human. Not perfect. No parent is perfect not one. You didn't cause this. The illness did.

[Joyce Newman]

Tegan's Mom, I am so sorry for the emotional devastation Tegan's suicide created. I can totally relate to what you are experiencing as my daughter and only child (she was 27) committed suicide December 28, 2006. I have just recently come to accept her decision though I will never understand it. I have let go the why's, what if's, if only I'd and the circumstances of her death and try to focus on her life and cherish the 27 years I did have her phyiscally in my life. It is a long hard journey, the hardest one you will ever travel but slowly every so slowly you will take tiny steps forward to emotional healing. Please know that you are in my thoughts as you journey forward.

[deepbluezz]

Tegan's Mum, My son took his life in Feb. I have blamed myself for not being a better mother, better person, thought I am being punished for things I have done or not done. I have felt them all. My son's depression caused a lot of fights, things said to each other I can never forget. He lived with me last year due to the closing of his business. He as so ashamed that he had to move back and take money from me for things. Nothing I said convinced him that I loved having him here, and reminded him that he would have given me his last dime if things were reversed, but he felt less of a man.

We know our children love us, even if they are mad.They love us enough to argue and not ignore, never see us or talk to us. I remember my son and I had an argument, it was a whopper...I was seething, he walked into the kitchen 10 minutes after the argument was over..looked at me and said.."Good grief Mom that was 10 minutes ago, let go of it, it's in the past". I didn't know if I should storm out or laugh...I laughed.

I know the hole in your soul is full of guilt, mine is too, but not as much as it was because I decided to fill that hole with funny things Jeremy said or did, but it's not easy. Nothing is easy any more , nothing is normal. But, thank God I stumbled onto this site the other night. I finally found people that know how I feel, I wish they didn't need to be here, I wish I didn't need to be here, but God placed me here for a reason.

I am so very sorry for your loss, it's not just something to say when this happens, I really mean it, my heart breaks for your loss.

[ModKonnie]

This is the first time I have been on this site.

My 24 year old daughter (Tegan) suffered with BPD (mental illness) and she took her own life. She argued with me on the night she died and she hung up on me. And in the morning I got a phone call at work that the police were at my house. She had hung her self from her balcony of her apartment. . She had attempted suicide so many time and she was finally successful. How do I live with that? How do I cope? I am lost in this mess. I just want it to stop.... the pain....the guilt....the sadness....the loss....the anger......the hate. I am soooo angry. I have had such a hard time and I am lost. I can't see any time I will feel better. Has anyone else had a similar experience of not just losing your child but them dying because of you? I need something.

Tegan's Mum,

Tegan did not die because of you. She had a mental illness that you could not be blamed for in any way, shape or form. The other parents here who have experienced similar tragedies will be able to offer you advice, encouragement and support. My heart goes out to you and your family. Please feel free to come here and share.

ModKonnie

[Susie_q512]

Hi Tegan's mom. My name is Susan. My 16 year old daughter, Shannon, was killed in a car accident on September 20, 2011. I understand your pain, confusion and loss....but that is not why I am responding to your post. I am responding because like your daughter, I too suffer from bi-polar disorder. I can honestly say to you, that her death is not your fault. A person with BPD experiences such extremes....like a roller coaster ride....plunging from depression into mania and back again. Anger, moodiness and impulsiveness are part of the disease. I have been suicidal since a teenager, and I am now 46. I have attempted suicide 3 times in my life, and begged for God to let me die too many times to count. It's a mess inside our brains...there is rational in the irrational. I have told my family and friends many times not to be surprised if I take my own like, not to blame themselves, not to carry guilt. The times that I have experienced the extreme urges to harm myself are just that....extreme urges that are very hard to resist...it would only take a moment in time for me to cross the line and act on the urge or impulse. My message to you is very simple: It is not your fault. The battle was inside of your daughter, she found herself in that moment of extreme pain or anger, she acted on the urge or impulse. The action made perfect sense to her at that moment. No one could have stopped her, just as no one will be able to stop me if I get too caught up in that consuming urge and act upon it...it's very hard to win the battle against it when you are experiencing it. I am very concerned that the death of my daughter will cause me to spiral out of control. I worry that I will act on that urge at some point in the future. I hope that I do not...I have another daughter who is also losing her father to cancer...if I kill myself, she will be alone in this world, but having BPD is serious, and it is a very real possibility that the disorder will take it's toll on me. I understand your guilt, as I too have played the last moments with Shannon over and over in my mind....if I had just hugged her a little longer, if I had just driven her myself, if I had told her a different time to leave the house, if I had just told her that she couldn't babysit that day....if I had just done something, anything differently, she would still be here with me. I will be praying for you and hoping that one day you will understand that your daughter's death was not your fault. Blame the illness, but not yourself. My heart breaks for you.