Acceptance

[BBB]

Acceptance or adjusting is the goal as I understand it, not 'getting over it' because I think we'll all agree that we will never get over the loss of a soulmate. However, what if you just get stuck and can't accept it? My therapist is talking to me about things like I need to move forward, live my life, etc. My brain is still in a fog and continues to have trouble wrapping itself around the fact that she is gone and never coming back. Are there people that never accept the loss?

[KayC]

Yes and I know one, she's six years out and hasn't accepted or moved forward, it's made it all the harder for her and I worry about her, she has no family/friends and very bad health.

[BBB]

That is how I feel that I will be. Time will tell of course. Only people here understand when I say that a literal part of me has died. Others just think I'm being over dramatic.

 

[Bennie Jets]

I don't think you are being over dramatic. I think life and death are much more dramatic than we can ever be in our reaction. You are hurting and you cannot just turn that off. 

Not every counselor is right for everyone all the time.

Here is another brief input:

(805) Aren't doing it properly - YouTube

What helps me is to explore, on this forum, on you tube, sometimes in person with people when there is a chance - to see how I feel and how I want to carry my feelings forward, seeing examples from others and trying on ideas that I can discard as soon as I feel that they don't fit me. No pressure. I think, now, more than any other time in my life, it is very important for me to listen to *me* about what I need, since I am so wounded.

[Bennie Jets]

@BBB this one may also be helpful - listen to minute 1:40 especially....

(810) Am I Going Crazy? - YouTube

[Bennie Jets]

13 hours ago, BBB said:

Acceptance or adjusting is the goal as I understand it, not 'getting over it' because I think we'll all agree that we will never get over the loss of a soulmate. However, what if you just get stuck and can't accept it? My therapist is talking to me about things like I need to move forward, live my life, etc. My brain is still in a fog and continues to have trouble wrapping itself around the fact that she is gone and never coming back. Are there people that never accept the loss?

I think listen to yourself: what you said is "My brain is still in a fog..." If that is where you are, I would not push but just accept that. Another kind of acceptance, I suppose.

[widower2]

 

13 hours ago, BBB said:

Acceptance or adjusting is the goal as I understand it, not 'getting over it' because I think we'll all agree that we will never get over the loss of a soulmate. However, what if you just get stuck and can't accept it? My therapist is talking to me about things like I need to move forward, live my life, etc. My brain is still in a fog and continues to have trouble wrapping itself around the fact that she is gone and never coming back. Are there people that never accept the loss?

Frankly I can't say your therapist sounds like a good one; you might consider seeing another (unless you're otherwise happy with him/her, I can't obviously say, just my .02 based on what your said above...). 

I don't think it's a yes or no question. I know she's gone. But there is a part of me that will never accept that. It's too insane, too ridiculous. I keep waiting to wake up from this absurd nightmare. I don't know if that's good or bad or neither. 

 

13 hours ago, BBB said:

Others just think I'm being over dramatic.

"Others" are obnoxious morons without a clue in their alleged brains. That's the kindest way I can put it. If someone had told me that in those early days, their loved ones might be mourning their loss now. 

 

  

 

[Yoli]

Acceptance can go and get f#$@ed.

[KayC]

Acceptance is a psychology term that does NOT mean we're okay with it, which of course we are not!  It simply means that we realize something happened and have incorporated that change into our life, which we have had to do...I remember in my early grief crying out to my son, "George is not here!  Trust me, I looked!"  And I remember doing that, I looked in every room of the house and the shop, he was not there!  It takes much time to process our grief, it's just hard to wrap our heads around it.  I remember not understanding how the sun could go on shining without him in it!  How can people go about their business, don't they understand the biggest tragedy has just occurred!  This is so like brain trauma, it shakes us to the core, it's hard to think, focus, make decisions, go to work!  Everything is emotional, going to the grocery store without him, going out to eat on my own, facing nights, weekends, sleeping, fixing meals, EVERYTHING was hard!  I've gotten used to those things, to being alone, it's been 15 1/2 years after all, but the missing him and loving him part never goes away.  We carry grief inside of us every minute of our lives, it becomes part of us.

Honestly, I prefer the term "realize" to "accept."  

[BBB]

Kay, I too have looked everywhere. I even went back to some of the places geographically that we used to go. Even went back to the place where we first met. 

[jmmosley53]

I accept that my husband died.  It is unacceptable that it happened.  I accept that he isn't coming back.  It is unacceptable that I am here without him.  I accept that in an after life I will see him.  It is unacceptable that I didn't go 5 seconds after he did.

[foreverhis]

On 2/10/2021 at 6:06 AM, BBB said:

Are there people that never accept the loss?

Definitely.  For a while, I thought I'd be one of them.  But I do want to differentiate what I mean by acceptance.  After about 15-16 months, I was able to admit the reality that he is gone.  At somewhere around 2 years, I fully accepted that I will not find him here and that he won't be walking in the door some time soon.  Some days it still seems unreal, but the foundation of knowledge is underneath those days now.  Some days, when I'm missing even more than usual, I cycle down into telling him I can't live this life without him and that he needs to "come home now" or "come get me."  Even though I know that's wishful, fanciful thinking, I say it aloud to him anyway.

What I do not and never will mean is that I accept his death being fair or right or just.  It wasn't.  My anger there hits especially hard when I see dishonest or violent or greedy people thriving, while my good, honest, kind, and yes, imperfect love was taken from us.  I don't think I'll ever move forward from that anger, but I have been able to soften it so that it's not quite as "in my face" as it was at first.

I will never judge someone else for how they grieve.  I do hope that most of us are able to accept reality, though it takes a long time for many--including me.  I've realized that once I did say and mean, "This is the life I must live now," that I was able to open my heart and self just a bit more to the people around me who care and who love me/us.  It helped me quite a bit to have that circle of comfort and patience.

[ScotJ65]

@jmmosley53 

41 minutes ago, jmmosley53 said:

I accept that in an after life I will see him.

You're so right about that, and I know that I'll see my love again too. It was a very cruel disease that robbed her of her life, she was only 54 and suffered a great deal. One thing I'm confident you and I agree on - the next world will be infinitely better than this cruel and unjust place. God bless & take care of yourself.

[Sparky1]

2 hours ago, jmmosley53 said:

I accept that my husband died.  It is unacceptable that it happened.  I accept that he isn't coming back.  It is unacceptable that I am here without him.  I accept that in an after life I will see him.  It is unacceptable that I didn't go 5 seconds after he did.

I go through these same thoughts every day. My logical side knows my wife passed away, but my heart still holds out hope that it's not real. I definitely can't accept that she was taken so fast, from going in to have an operation that would cure her to being told she had cancer and passing away a month and a half later. When I come home from work and open the door I look at the same spot that she used to be and hope by some miracle that she will be there. About the afterlife, I consider myself living to die so I can be with her as soon as possible. I always say that I should have had a massive heart attack when I saw her passed away, that way we would have been together right off the bat. Losing your loved one makes one think so irrationally because we can't come to grips with what happened.

[BBB]

I don't accept much of anything yet. I'm the 5 year old kicking and screaming for things to change. If I'm being honest.

[Roxeanne]

11 hours ago, BBB said:

I don't accept much of anything yet. I'm the 5 year old kicking and screaming for things to change. If I'm being honest.

I am a little girl too...screaming and crying to have my favorite toy back!

Universe is not moved, still there as usual...hard as stone!

I have a mantra to remember me that i can't control my life, an ancient latin phrase:

"Ducunt volentem fata,

Nolentem trahunt"

"The fates lead the willing

Drag the unwilling"

[BBB]

Well in most cases, life is hard and I go along with the willing BUT not in this case. When it comes to the death of my beloved, I am kicking and screaming the whole way.

 

 

[KayC]

I think we all would be but no one asked us what we wanted.  They were just taken from us.

[Bennie Jets]

9 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

I am a little girl too...screaming and crying to have my favorite toy back!

Universe is not moved, still there as usual...hard as stone!

I have a mantra to remember me that i can't control my life, an ancient latin phrase:

"Ducunt volentem fata,

Nolentem trahunt"

"The fates lead the willing

Drag the unwilling"

Thank you for posting this!

It does not help me with Alan's death (because that is just too shocking to digest as an option) but it *does* help me with my daily decisions now, to not resist life so much in protest. It also goes with Alan's ways a bit, since he was so easy going and I can honor his life by learning from him still and have more peace and happiness. He did not have an agenda, often, but just let life happen, including other people's actions and what they needed to do. He wanted me to be happy and have peace in life. Hard to do when you put yourself into a position where you are being dragged. Often fighting like a badger to get this or that done (lately the medical treatments as a patient advocate - and I feel so stupid now since he died - I did not save him with all my efforts). I think that is all he wanted to tell me. Not that I was wrong - not at all - but that he wanted me to have less worry and more happiness and that you could get more of that by going along with life and its adventures and trusting that it will be alright.

Of course I could not let up when it was something that would have helped him, but that's over now, so I can relax a little and let things happen. What I cared about the most is lost to me now. The rest does not really matter anymore. I see the world how he saw it more now. He is my hero. I did not want to learn it like that, but he would still want to help me ease my time on earth every day. That is huge for me. Just that tiny bit of pressure off, since I feel like I am dying under the strain at the moment. I always tried so hard, sometimes to our detriment and I wish I could go back and do those times over so we could have had more peace and happiness together but I also know that he did not want me to blame myself, wanted me to be who I was. What a fantastic miracle to have someone like that in your life!

Your words added to that in a good way. Thank you so much for that, for sharing!

[Roxeanne]

I am so sorry Bennie...i know what it's hard pain...your loss is recent and pain breaks your heart!

Maybe take life as a river that flowing as your Alan did, can help us to endure the unbearable

I hope you can find some comfort  in our community

A big hug

[foreverhis]

9 hours ago, BBB said:

Well in most cases, life is hard and I go along with the willing BUT not in this case. When it comes to the death of my beloved, I am kicking and screaming the whole way.

 

 

Exactly.  I think that's one reason it took me so long just to admit the reality staring me in the face every day.  My heart and mind were throwing a 2 year long tantrum, complete with "I can't hear you!  I can't see you!" denials aimed at that reality.

[Roxeanne]

2 hours ago, Bennie Jets said:

What a fantastic miracle to have someone like that in your life!

Your words added to that in a good way. Thank you so much for that, for sharing!

Yes it was a great gift from life having had our loved ones with us for sometime

We take everything for granted but it was a miracle indeed!

Thank you for sharing with me some hard truth and a little joy! Ciao Rox

[Sparky1]

7 minutes ago, Roxeanne said:

We take everything for granted but it was a miracle indeed!

You know Roxanne, I keep thinking this all the time. After so many years together, you sort of  "take everything for granted". Now that my wife is gone, I keep having the guilt of not having done more things together, and of not having spent more time together. The love was always there through thick or thin. The bond becomes so strong that you assume it will always be there. I still believe that the bond is still there, as I feel it's an eternal one. But not having it in the physical realm right here, is so damn difficult. Our only hope is to rejoin our bond in the spiritual realm.

[jmmosley53]

9 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

I keep having the guilt of not having done more things together

I too have the guilt of not doing more together.  One thing I do know is that in my case our love had evolved to a point we were comfortable in each others company.  We could sit in the same room and relax with no need for conversation.  It was not unusual for us to do a click sound to signal back and forth  - the sound meant 'Hi, I love you, all is well with me'

Since my husband was pretty sick right before he died, we couldn't go any where - we would just sit and watch old Gunsmoke episodes for hours and never really talk.  We would just be together.  I miss that so much.

[BBB]

Know exactly what you mean jm. My wife was in a home hospital bed for months. We would always watch Love it or list it or Northwoods Law after dinner, every night, Man I miss that. Honestly that is the hardest time of day for me, after dinner in the evening.

 

[Roxeanne]

14 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

You know Roxanne, I keep thinking this all the time. After so many years together, you sort of  "take everything for granted". Now that my wife is gone, I keep having the guilt of not having done more things together, and of not having spent more time together. The love was always there through thick or thin. The bond becomes so strong that you assume it will always be there. I still believe that the bond is still there, as I feel it's an eternal one. But not having it in the physical realm right here, is so damn difficult. Our only hope is to rejoin our bond in the spiritual realm.

Sparky you are feeling now the loss terribly!

The absence is the most unbearable burden of the loss! So much so that in the first moths after my loss i was questioning the cruel laws of universe..why is so necessary?

Over the time you resigned to the harsh reality even if i look for him every day among the people, at least someone who looks like him

And i am sure that if i can see him only for two minutes   i will take again my breath of relief that means everything is fine.

Yes we would like to change a lot of things of our past time with our loved ones..but who knew at the time that life was changing and so definitely ?

Hold on my friend! Un forte abbraccio ciao Rox

 

 

[Sparky1]

1 hour ago, Roxeanne said:

Hold on my friend! Un forte abbraccio ciao Rox

Grazie Roxeanne. A big hug to you as well.

[Bennie Jets]

Yes, that is the worst "the absence of their presence" as we said before from the Bill Webster you tube series.

I, too, feel like I was this care free laughing child playing in the playground (work, grocery store, gas station, another room, kitchen...), curious, playful, outgoing, always knowing my mom and dad would call me for dinner at night and I'd go to sleep in my bed in their house, safe and loved (always knowing he would be there and we would talk later and I could share all my day's adventures and misadventures and we'd have dinner and curl up together to sleep).

Now the world has stopped - it's like an A-bomb has taken everything away - there is no light, no sound, and no home to go back to - I am in the playground alone and don't feel like playing anymore. Very afraid. This is not right.

The laughter got stuck in my throat and I am choking on it. And it seems like it will be gone forever because they tell me he is not coming back. Not sure what to do now. Breathe?

[AnnRA]

Gosh, Bennie Jets - Your writing is SO beautiful...you have captured what is in each of our broken hearts and minds....Thank you.

YES....BREATHE.....get as many hugs as you can....and know that there are all of us, here on this site, who are on the edges of the playground, too, just breathing for now.    Bless you.