Not better but different

[LMR]

I know this will not help everybody but maybe just one person will find some comfort.
I know I haven't been taking care of myself. It has been hard to think of anything but how much I miss my love, almost 6 months of hell to date. I still miss him with every ounce of my being but things changed.
I walked to the store in my usual 'going through the motions' mode, not paying attention. I slipped on some ice and fell. Was taken to emergency with foot and arm injuries. Broken wrist, severely strained ankle. I had thought I couldn't feel worse but I did. Its severely incapacitating. Just try washing your hands with one hand!
I got to wondering if my husband was trying to explain to me why he had to leave. I think that might well be the case, I do understand better, somehow on a deeper level. I feel a little  calmer. Maybe this is just another grief stage that will pass and I will return to the quivering wreck I had become. Only time will tell.
On a more practical level for those of you with people loving and/or depending on you, you need to pay more attention moment to moment.

[ScotJ65]

Hi LMR

I know that what I'm about to say you've probably heard a thousand times before, and may even sound a bit clichéd. But time really is the ultimate healer. You lost your love almost 6 months ago and I suffered a similar fate 3 months ago, and my heart is aching. But in another 3 or 6 months or a year then who knows how life will turn out. It's different for everyone. But one things for sure, your heart will eventually feel lighter, and your life will go on. And, if you're believer like I am, then we certainly haven't seen the last of those we have lost in this world. Stay strong and God bless. Oh, and I hope your wrist and ankle get better soon.

[KayC]

Been there, 2011 was a bad year for me, broke my nose and upper front tooth (I was out of work) when I fell on a rock on my face.  One week later I fell on asphalt while walking two Huskies (not their fault), I tripped on a hump in the road I couldn't see, broke my right elbow.  They don't cast them and I had a stick shift car.  Trying to get groceries, get dogfood from car to house, etc was really hard.  It was my right arm, naturally!  Then four years ago I fell again, at the vet's office, someone had stuck a floor scale in front of the door, when I was leaving the employee was on her cellphone blocking my way so I was waiting for her to move and focused on her and when she moved I stepped out and down I went, on cement, many injuries, the worst to my knee.  Medicare wrote and said they wouldn't cover it.  My own doctor wouldn't attend it!  It was a very tough time, I live with the pain and can no longer do yard work.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Somehow we get through these things.  One thing I've learned is that I have survived much and it's built my confidence, somehow we figure out a way through it.  I certainly have a lot of empathy for what you're going through.

[LMR]

Thank you Scotj65 & KayC. I am getting a little used to being semi invalid. Thank heavens for a couple of really good friends 

I am still crying but not the debilitating tears of 2 weeks ago when I couldn't manage to go out at all. I suppose this might be acceptance. I have been in denial until now. Realising the hell he was going through has given me a different perspective. I needed to release him, reluctantly but I think I am doing that.

KayC, I can't imagine how you dealt with so many set backs. You are a very strong person. Blessings

[ScotJ65]

LMR, You're so right when you say 'concentrate on the moment'. I think that's the key to recovery. Mindfulness and living in the moment isn't easy to teach yourself, but with practice & patience it can be done. I used to spend so much time thinking about past events that I sometimes thought I was losing my grip on reality. Of course, even now, I sometimes get negative thoughts which would usually have dragged me down. But learn how to disempower them, and life will become so much easier, and happier. Just like you, I think I'm now beginning to accept that the love of my life has gone from this world, and I'll have to wait until the next life to see her again. As your friend I'll always be here for you to reach out to. God bless.

[LMR]

@ScotJ65

Thank you so much for your kind words. It makes me feel like I am doing something right.I too felt I was losing my grip and I needed that wake up call.

There is a creeping guilt at not being the quivering wreck but I know I love him as much as ever and I always will. I will be waiting for our reunion, however long it takes, just as I know you will be waiting for your love.

Hugs

[Sparky1]

LMR, I hope you get better. I know the feeling of going through the motions and not paying attention. A few weeks ago while driving to work, I proceeded to make a right turn and this bus came out of nowhere and just at the last second, I looked again and slammed on the brakes. He would have hit me square on my side. What else was I doing? Thinking of my wife. I strongly believe that she helped me out in that situation. To tell you the truth, if it had been instantaneous I probably wouldn't be here but a lot more happier than I am now. At least I'd be together with her again.

[steveb]

I hope you heal fast LMR.  Our grief can certainly take our eye off the ball so to speak.  Please be careful  

[KayC]

19 hours ago, ScotJ65 said:

LMR, You're so right when you say 'concentrate on the moment'. I think that's the key to recovery. Mindfulness and living in the moment isn't easy to teach yourself, but with practice & patience it can be done.

This has been key for me!  In fact it was transforming.  

18 hours ago, LMR said:

There is a creeping guilt at not being the quivering wreck but I know I love him as much as ever and I always will.

It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.  I read an article similar to this one in my early grief that helped me...
http://www.aliveinmemory.org/2013/05/30/learning-how-to-smile-again/

[Diane R. E.]

LMR; I hope you heal well and quickly! I cannot imagine being alone with your injuries. I broke my wrist and elbow within 6 months of each other, both required surgery and splints. My dearest Doug was there for me 24/7 and I don't know how I would have done it otherwise. My heart goes out to you!

[LMR]

Thank you all for your well wishes. I am having surgery tomorrow. I am a little scared.

In a strange way I am worried that my husband has some influence on what happens next. I'm not scared for myself, I want to be with him whenever I can be but I would never do anything to hasten that reunion. I am afraid of causing my sister pain.

[KayC]

@LMR, you are in my prayers today as you go through your surgery.  I hope you can rest knowing you're in good hands, and that God shows you every step of the way how to handle things, even as He did me.  The unknown feels scary to us, but you will get through this.  I never dreamed I'd have to live with incapacitated hands so young, but I'm doing it, even while maintaining my place on a limited income.  

Are you using voice commands for typing?  When I broke my wrist I used ice to rest it on while I typed, propped it up on a board on a pullout drawer, it worked.  I was out of work but one day a week but having to look for work which was like a full time job plus a boss emailing me to do this and that all the time.  Wanting to hang on to my thread of a connection to a job, I had to comply or be let go, not getting paid for it but he thought he owned me.  Taking out the garbage and getting groceries was the hardest.  I didn't have anyone to do those things for me but if you do, use them.  Going through hand surgery has been even harder to get through this year as my broken bones healed quicker than this trauma, I still have complete numbness in my thumb and part of three fingers.  It drives me nuts but I live with it.  At 30% strength, nothing will help as it's arthritis.  I know this is scary, it's major, but you'll get through even this.  

[LMR]

Thank you KayC.

I have been preparing "just in case" notes and instructions. The hardest thing is that only the patient is allowed in the building so I have to do it all by myself even while being incapacitated and feeling shaky.

I appreciate your prayers.

 

[steveb]

8 hours ago, LMR said:

appreciate your prayers.

You will have many prayers heading your way LMR!!

[KayC]

I hope you're home doing okay, I also hope someone checks in on you.  I didn't have that, it made me feel VERY on my own.

[LMR]

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.

I am currently in a lot of pain despite the heavy duty painkillers but hopefully things will improve over the next couple of days.I had to have a nerve shot to numb my arm so they wouldn't let me stay home alone. Thankfully my steadfast friend was willing to sleep in my armchair and stayed with me until this evening.

I did not see my husband and sadly I did not dream either but I'm sure he was watching over me.

[steveb]

32 minutes ago, LMR said:

I did not see my husband and sadly I did not dream either but I'm sure he was watching over me

I’m sure he was LMR:)

[KayC]

I'm so thankful for that friend!  I had someone spend the night with me after my hand surgery, she got up here late and slept in late and left shortly after so didn't help build a fire or walk Kodie but it was reassuring to have her here all the same.  I understand the numbness following the shot, my hand felt super huge and dead!  I hope as that wore off you aren't in a lot of pain, my doctor did not give any painkillers, just OTC Tylenol or Ibuprofen, had to quit taking around the clock as it hurt my stomach, just take a little with food now.

[LMR]

I'm very lucky that I was able to talk to the doctor last night (on a Saturday evening!). He told me I could add otc ibuprofen and this has made a big difference. I am now comfortable.

I am talking to my husband and I am still feeling the new calmness. This has really shaken things up. I do know that he clearly wants me to carry on here or he would have taken me to be with him. I miss him so much but I am less desperate. I can wait. I can wait forever if need be.

[KayC]

Oh LMR, so glad to hear it.  It's just scary coming home from surgery and being on your own, not know if/how you can manage by yourself.  I'm a planner and it sounds like you are too, but we do what we can ahead of time, there's still other things we have to figure out how to do.  So many things to think of!  I found that hand surgery really took me out of commission, typing has been hard since, opening jars/cans, walking my puppy, vacuuming, getting wood in, but somehow I've managed.  The alternative isn't good.  Not ready to give up my independence/dog/place, HAVE to live and give myself the gift of good health if possible.  Too many things we can't control, so I've learned to control what I can.

You know, it doesn't matter if it's been a month, a year, ten years, we do continue to miss and love them, always will.