Functioning

[BBB]

Honestly, I can't believe that we're expected to function in any sort of a 'normal' manner after losing your spouse. They should have a special SSDI category for loss of spouse. I've since gone back to work but acknowledge that I do a shitty job of things and it's frankly because I honestly don't care. I'll probably wind up getting fired but I just can't seem to focus or care.

 

[SDC]

I'm in complete agreement with you. Now I understand why people wear markers of grief in other cultures. It signifies to others to not expect much from the person, to treat them with gentleness, and to give them a wide berth. American society fails grief beyond miserably. People are given, generally, 5 days paid leave after losing a spouse, child, or parent?! It's insane. Forcing people to treat grief like a flu they recover from after a few days is woefully misguided and cruel. 

[KevinM]

Yep. When my wife died my boss said "Take as long as you need." I laughed and said "Thank you, but you *really* don't mean that." She has been very understanding over the last year, but I am still worried that her patience will run out.

[Gail 8588]

My boss was very supportive, but I really was a poor employee  after my husband died. I came in late, or would just call in that I wouldn't be coming in at all today.  Even when I was at work, I couldn't focus. After about 9 months, I told my boss I would retire in 6 more months. 

I could see he was so relieved.  There was light at the end of the tunnel for him.  He would be rid of me without having to fire me. 

I was grateful that he let me stay on for another 6 months.  I really was only working for the health insurance at that point.

[jmmosley53]

It seems to me the problem is more than just employers.  Business's like credit card companies, utility companies, doctors even the government agencies don't understand how incapacitated a person becomes with the loss of a spouse/partner. 

I was retired when my husband passed away so I escaped the boss issue, but I have run into some really terrible experiences trying to accomplish what I thought would be a simple task.

If I ran the world there would be Grief classes in schools.  They would cover the loss of friends, grandparents, parents, siblings, partners plus  classes in how to handle property, wills, taxes, all the normal things that we have address as people on the planet that will eventually lose someone dear to us.

[AnnRA]

jm, I agree with you completely re education on grief and loss.  Here in New Zealand, it turns out that many of our cities/towns do NOT have grief support groups.  I think that is terrible and I hope to be able to do something about that.  I am attending the first session, this year, of the group in my city (Wellington).  However, their communication (website, fb page, phone calls) has been so slack that I am scared I will be the only group member to show up.....

A friend of mine who works in social service is concerned and thinks this is a concerning mental health issue.  I know that many folks on this site do not want to attend groups.  But as we all know, NO ONE can understand our agony without having been there. That is why I hope to connect with others in a group setting.

Back to your point, jm, I totally agree that there should be education about reality.   This could be done without offending religious or personal beliefs.  In fact, we are all having to encounter ALL of the issues you note, plus our beliefs, etc etc.    So devastating for us all..... 
 

 

 

[Sparky1]

7 hours ago, KevinM said:

When my wife died my boss said "Take as long as you need."

That's basically what I was told too. The HR girl was pretty supportive and used to call me once in a while to see how I was doing. When I called to go back to work , she said that there was no rush and when I told her I wanted to go back, she asked if I was sure. I told her that I wanted to try it and she agreed and said if I couldn't do it to let her know. Going back to work  has helped a bit but I still think about my wife all the time.

[KayC]

My boss told me that too but I felt pressure from within to get back to work as I knew it was a hardship on him.  I went back in two weeks, actually went in on day five and did payroll.  A few months later the business went under, Bush was president and he cut spending on military airplane parts, which was our business, with no notice, overnight, it was the beginning of the recession to come.  A helluva time to look for work and I experienced age discrimination for the first time in my life.  By then I was 53 but they wanted people newly graduated from college.  Never mind my years' experience and knowledge.  So glad to be out of the work force now!

I agree that we need more education about grief in our society!!