Is grief really survivable?

[Dawn Wms]

It has been nine months now and I don't feel any further along.  I hurt so much and people think I am stuck, which I am.  I don't want to go on without my husband.  He was so much more to me.  He was everything.  I am an independent woman, but I need him emotionally and I am just so incredibly hurt that his life got cut short.  He was a wonderful man with so much more life to live.  My pain is intense and unrelenting.  I'm really not sure I will survive.  I can't say I won't just kill myself one day.  Is there someone out there who has done this for along time who can tell me it can be done?

[jmmosley53]

Dawn Wms,

I lost my love April 2020 - oddly, we both have survived.  We don't feel that any thing has gotten better since we lost our loves, but we did survive the ordeal.  I too ache with longing for my husband.  I cry every day missing him.  But 10 months later I am sitting here doing something, just as you are.

My life will never be good again.  But I have hope that someday when I see his photo I'll smile and say 'isn't he the most adorable man you ever saw' instead of the current flood of tears and heart breaking pain.

Can you imagine the fury your husband would have if some one killed you?  You can't possibly want him furious with you.

I'm starting to think that the pain I feel now, is equal to the happiness I once knew.  The two extremes are slowly inching towards each other.  When they meet I will have peace. That is going to be the day God calls me to be reunited with my husband.  I just have to hang on and endure this pain.  The reward will be bliss.

[ScotJ65]

Dawn Wms,

I am so sorry for your loss & I have some idea of what you're going through right now. I'm only 3 months since losing my lovely partner, she was my world, my everything. Not a moment goes by when I'm not thinking about her. The memories, the good times and the struggles. My world feels empty, and I'm also searching every day for reasons to go on. But there must be a purpose, because we're still here - although sometimes it feels like we don't really want to be. So please don't ever feel alone or hesitate to reach out for support, because we're all in this together. And together we can help each other make the pain more bearable. God bless.

[KayC]

8 hours ago, Dawn Wms said:

It has been nine months now and I don't feel any further along.  I hurt so much and people think I am stuck, which I am.  I don't want to go on without my husband.  He was so much more to me.  He was everything.  I am an independent woman, but I need him emotionally and I am just so incredibly hurt that his life got cut short.  He was a wonderful man with so much more life to live.  My pain is intense and unrelenting.  I'm really not sure I will survive.  I can't say I won't just kill myself one day.  Is there someone out there who has done this for along time who can tell me it can be done?

I've been at this 15 1/2 years and could NOT see how I could do it a week, let alone the whole rest of my life, which I estimated (from my genes/family) to be 40+ years.  I'm doing it ONE DAY AT A TIME.  Just get through today, that's all we have to do, today.  I've made it through surgeries alone, loss of jobs alone, best friend moving away to another state, alone.  I've made it through health issues, financial trouble, retiring without warning, you name it.  I've suffered other losses, my mom's dementia & subsequent death, my sister's death, loss of my beloved companion dog, and so much more.  Look for something good in today..  Something/anything, no matter how small, isn't too insignificant to count.  Be it a neighbor's wave, an unexpected check, a call from a friend, a bite of chocolate...look for and embrace whatever little bit of good comes your way, any kindness.  Eventually be that kindness to someone else, it builds sense of community and well being.  We are all doing this together and I hope that our support can bring you comfort and a sliver of hope to you...

[Dawn Wms]

Thank you to all of you who are reassuring me I can survive.  Although I am lonely, I know I am not really alone in this suffering.  It is a shared human experience.

[Sparky1]

Dawn, I also want to say sorry for the loss of your partner. I sympathize with you as I am going through the exact same emotions as you are. You definitely aren't alone in your grief, this is something that is common to all of us who have lost their partner. I do know about the loneliness being unbearable at times. I cry out to my wife that I need her, that I miss her, that I love her and I know that even though I want her to come back, it's not going to happen. The only way to be with her is for me to go forward and meet her. But it's so difficult and excruciating like time is standing still. I have some really bad days and let me tell you, I don't know how I get through it. Sometimes when I'm at home and look around, I feel overwhelmed because my wife's not here to share the responsibilities of running the household. It's not easy but I guess we all have to keep going and be thankful we made it for another day.

[Missy1]

I am generally sad every day, one year has somehow gone by, I barely remember anything from the last year except marking time each day, doing my work and chores. He was and is my light and my reason for everything I ever achieved or dreamt of. I am dead now, I make myself functional but there is nothing inside me but sorrow and longing. 

Sadly I noticed as I caught a glimpse in the mirror today, my face has aged and has changed to a sad sullen expression, I almost didn’t recognize myself. I am so emotionally washed out and faded. My wish is to continue to hide in our house alone, I go months without seeing people except online for meetings. It was weird at first, not touching a person or being with people, but ever so slowly I have become accustomed to being alone, I think I prefer it now. 

 

[Dawn Wms]

Thank you to all of you who are reassuring me I can survive.  Although I am lonely, I know I am not really alone in this suffering.  It is a shared human experience.

[Dawn Wms]

I also struggle to remember where the months have gone.  I am functional, but it is a haze.  I forget things and I know that I'm not doing a good job.  I can't bring myself to put laundry away or clean the house.  I am normally a good housekeeper, but the place is pretty grungy now.  I just don't know what to do.  I keep asking, how could this have happened?  How do healthy, fit people die suddenly?  I have so many questions for which there are no answers.  What am I going to do with the rest of my life that was planned with him?  I can feel people getting impatient with me.  They don't want to hear about it anymore.  They want me to move on.  But I can't.  And that also makes me solitary.  I don't want to leave the house and I don't care if people come around.  They don't get it anyway.  They think you can go back to normal.  I don't like saying it, but I sometimes hate these people who still have  normal lives and who think I should move on.

[borbzgirl]

Tomorrow, it's going to be a month since I last talked to him. No, I don't think I can survive this, not even being on this forum helps. I don't know why but today I googled time traveling, in case there was a sudden progression in Science that supports the theory of its possibility. I want to go back in time. I feel doomed right now, there is no joy anymore. And I have so many regrets, decisions that I could have made that would have changed everything.

[KayC]

Just do today.  

[KevinM]

I think of my wife's death as like my having had open heart surgery - except nobody can see the scars. At first there was the debilitating pain and sadness. Then, once I was on my feet again, came the long slow "physical therapy" of going through life one day at a time. I am clearly not recovered--last week was terrible--but overall I can see some improvement. I know that countless other people have been through this too and managed to recover some semblance of a normal life. Until then I will keep my head up, largely for my 13yo son, and hope that things continue to improve.

I will say, though, that cocooning in my house seems to make me more depressed and that going outside and getting exercise helps. The most helpful thing for me so far is the walks I take with a few other people I met in a local grief support group. The exercise, social connection and shared experience almost always helps me feel better.

[Gail 8588]

Dawn, 

I want to give you and others hope.  I was where you are and I have gotten better. 

Sadly, it took me a long time.  It may not take you as long. We each progress at our own rate.

For the first 3 months I was not functioning well at all. I was in shock, pain, guilt ridden, it was impossible to think of life without him

Fairly quickly the financial reality,  of the fact that I really couldn't afford to live in the home we had for the past 14 years, sank in. So I pushed my grief down and got very busy staging my house for sale.  It was an enormous task as my husband and I were both pack rats. After 40 years we had quite a hoard. I sold the house. Moved. Finished up working and retired. Moved again.  All in a zombie state of feeling no connection with the world. No point in living. No joy. Frequent bouts of dispair. 

So a year and a half after my husband's death, I was retired, in a new town.  I had lots of time to think. I was lonely, felt completely vulnerable, I couldn't sleep.  My conclusion was always the same.  I can't live without him.  I have no life without him. I don't want a life without him.

This went on for another year and half. 

I did do some grief work during this time.  I came to terms with my guilt for not having saved him.  I still have regrets, but I no longer held myself responsible for his death in the way I did before. But even with the guilt removed, my life was not worth living. I didn't know how to live without him. I was either in my zombie state of numb - going through the motions of life -, or I was in deep despair and pain. 

At the end of the first 3 years, I was pretty much at rock bottom. 

At the beginning of my 4th year, I was resolved to make a change. I had to find a way to live.  I made plans to be engaged in life, to be with people.  Then the pandemic hit.  All my plans went out the window.

But somehow, inspite of the pandemic, my life did get better.  I can't really explain how or why, but I did rejoin the living.  I am not a zombie any more.  I still have some bad days, but in between I am a regular living person.

I will always love my husband. And  I would much rather be living my life with him as we had envisioned.  But I can live this new life without him. I am happy much of the time now. 

I hope this somehow helps you.  I found my way back to life.  You can too.  Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Gail

 

 

[Dawn Wms]

Thank you, Gail.  Yes, it helps.  It helps to know that it is possible but that it also takes some people a long time.  It is good for me to hear that others were as "rock bottom" as I am, but then somehow made it.

[Missy1]

21 hours ago, Dawn Wms said:

Me to, I realized how angry I am and I have feelings of jealousy when I see other older couples and resentment.
I even hear myself telling other couples, “ we all die and someday one of you will be alone like I am now” WTH. No wonder I am not invited to parties lol.
I know I am mentally not healthy. I have enough self awareness to look at how pathetic I am now. I can’t stop feeling the way that I do. He has my heart and soul forever, only him. I am s lost and broken, this is a life altering transitional event we all have to find our own way. 

[Dawn Wms]

Totally understandable.  We can't be expected to be our best selves when we're grieving.  I am full of rage, envy, resentment, jealousy and self-pity.  But I can forgive myself for the time being.  

[Roxeanne]

Along the centuries millions of people survived a loss! And even they had not photos or video to help remember...

We are in this tradition.

We all survive even if we don't want to

[Gail 8588]

1 hour ago, Roxeanne said:

Along the centuries millions of people survived a loss! 

Roxeanne,

During my 3 years of not wanting to live, this thought did give me some small glimmer of hope.  

I knew that it was not possible for all the millions of people who had lost their spouse to have lived out the rest of their lives in the pain and dispair I was feeling.  They must have gotten better.  They must have transitioned to a state where they could actually live. 

This 4th year I made that transition too. I don't know why it took me so long or why this year it happened. I think it was some sort of shift in my brain in how it perceives the world. 

It is not that I have forgotten my life with John or our love. Those memories are now a bundle I can carry with me and cherish,  no longer an enormous load that crushes me.

Gail 

[KayC]

22 hours ago, KevinM said:

I will say, though, that cocooning in my house seems to make me more depressed and that going outside and getting exercise helps.

I agree, I am not solely introvert or extrovert, I like solitude but also need time outside and with other people...this year has been a challenge as it has too much alone time.  My puppy helps tremendously!  So do the doggy dates I arrange for him.  We walk every day, 2-3 times/day.  I miss summer and its hikes.

[KayC]

Gail, I can relate so much to your story except I haven't braved moving yet, I know it's not likely I can weather living here in the mountains alone as I continue to get older, but with no help moving do not think I could tackle it, the physical pain I live with in my hands, etc...but I admire you for accomplishing that feat!  I've been here 43 1/2 years, my kids' dad was a huge pack rat and when he left, he left me with all his junk.  I always thought George and I would tackle it when we retired, ha!  I need the back of my garage replaced and the contractor said it'd have to be cleaned out first, how is the big question.

It took me years to build a life I could live, then Covid came and knocked it all down.  We continue to do our best and hope our survival skills are enough to be what it takes to get through even this.

[Roxeanne]

47 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

Roxeanne,

During my 3 years of not wanting to live, this thought did give me some small glimmer of hope.  

I knew that it was not possible for all the millions of people who had lost their spouse to have lived out the rest of their lives in the pain and dispair I was feeling.  They must have gotten better.  They must have transitioned to a state where they could actually live. 

This 4th year I made that transition too. I don't know why it took me so long or why this year it happened. I think it was some sort of shift in my brain in how it perceives the world. 

It is not that I have forgotten my life with John or our love. Those memories are now a bundle I can carry with me and cherish,  no longer an enormous load that crushes me.

Gail 

Gail it's the same for me. After 3 years of hard pain, i surprised myself with the desire of laugh again...

I can see  his warm smile!

[Mark loves Sandra]

@Dawn Wms, @Missy1, @borbzgirl

Dawn, Missy, Borbzgirl,

I'm right there with you.  Rock bottom.  No desire to do anything.  Well, not true -- have a desire to leave this world (am still ambivalent about this option, but likely won't do it for the same reason that keeps @KevinM going -- my 20 year old son).  Anyway, just like you all have said about your significant other, Sandra was my world.  We had plans till the cows come home.  Her radiant smile lit up my world and made it a joy to wake up each day.  And now that's all gone.  Just utter emptiness.  I wear the same clothes every day.  Just don't care.  I'm sad, bitter, angry, hurt, lonely, depressed, scared -- you pick the negative adjective and that's me.  I can't fathom how this happened.  How I allowed it to happen.  As I often quote @Perro J:  this cannot be.

The scary thing for me is that@Gail 8588, @KayC @Roxeanne have been recovering for a looooong time.  I can't imagine living with this pain for as long as they have. 

On 2/9/2021 at 12:24 AM, Dawn Wms said:

I can feel people getting impatient with me.  They don't want to hear about it anymore. 

Yep, I can imagine other people being tired of me already.  I'm depressing to be around.  So I don't talk to anyone, except the minimum to do my job.

 

On 2/9/2021 at 1:12 AM, borbzgirl said:

don't know why but today I googled time traveling, in case there was a sudden progression in Science that supports the theory of its possibility. I want to go back in time.

I have to say this almost made me smile today -- only because we seem to be equally desperate.  I am willing to grasp at any straw to have Sandra back.  Have had the time travel thought many times.  I have thought about an old 80's Superman movie where Lois Lane dies and Superman flies around the world backwards at the speed of light to make time go backward until just before the moment where she dies.  There's some terrible penalty for him for doing that, but he's willing to pay the penalty.  Yep, sign me up for the penalty.  In my grief, I have even gone quite a bit darker:  I have laid in bed and said out loud that if there is any way I can trade my soul to bring Sandra back, well, hand me the contract, I'll prick my finger and sign in blood.  Sorry if that sounds macabre -- that's my bottom of the barrel.

So anyway, yeah, bottom of the barrel -- check.

--Mark

[KayC]

23 hours ago, Mark loves Sandra said:

The scary thing for me is that@Gail 8588, @KayC @Roxeanne have been recovering for a looooong time.  I can't imagine living with this pain for as long as they have.

I would not say I'm "recovering" still but "surviving" without him, a different stage perhaps but perhaps a harder one in it's own way as it's the rest of my life and growing old alone, and it does get old.  Our loss is the rest of our lives, whether that be ten years or fifty.  It does not stay in the same intensity of pain as at the beginning years though.  Our bodies amazingly adapt to even the unthinkable as I have learned.

[Gail 8588]

Mark,

Three years was a long time, but not everyone languishes in the zombie/dispair phase as long as I did.  Our journeys are unique due to our life experiences and circumstances. 

If I had not had to move twice in the first year and half, maybe I would have worked through my grief earlier.  I had never lived on my own, basically moving from my parents home to being married to John.  Being alone was very overwhelming. I have some uncommon mental challenges (we all have challenges, physical, mental, social) that I needed to  understand and develop coping skills for.  All this took time.  

Your journey may not be as long as mine. Don't be discourage by how long my journey was.  Just know that I was where you are (enter long lost of negative adjectives) not wanting to live without my love and now I am nolonger in that pain, guilt and dispair.  I am okay now. Alive and engaged in life.  It is a really different feeling than the numb zombie I was before. 

I haven't forgotten John or "gotten over" his death, but I have moved out of that soul crushing longing to just be with him.

Don't lose hope. 

Gail

 

 

 

[luckystarhongkong]

sometimes we wanted to cling on to the past when our love ones were by our sides: that was too good/sweet, as compared to the bitterness that we are now facing; that is natural; but it seems the more we want to dwell in the past, the more painful it is. Perhaps when we've acknowledged that what happened have happened, and whether we like it or not, we have been thrust into this new reality and have to learn to live with it, then we may begin the process of working towards some normalcy in life. 

[foreverhis]

21 hours ago, luckystarhongkong said:

Perhaps when we've acknowledged that what happened have happened, and whether we like it or not, we have been thrust into this new reality and have to learn to live with it, then we may begin the process of working towards some normalcy in life. 

This is definitely true.  It takes time, more for some than others, but we generally do get to the point where we accept the reality in front of us.  We do not have to accept that losing the loves of our lives was fair or right.  It wasn't.  It never can be.  But once we accept that we did lose them in this life, on this earth, then we can start to figure out how to make a life we can live without them.  It's painful and difficult.  For me, it took well over a year to even accept that I'd have to do it.

I don't consider it clinging to the past exactly.  It's more clinging to the presence of our soulmates in our everyday lives.  I am sure you are right that dwelling on the past makes today more painful for some.  For me, the opposite is true in a way.  I don't live in the past, but John is with me in the present every moment.  It took nearly 2 years for my heart and mind to allow all the that was wonderful, happy, and loving, and even the boring day to day memories to come forward and mix in with the devastatingly painful memories and images of his last 15 months fighting his cancer.  For me, bringing the past into the present was beneficial.

As I look toward 3 years out, I can see I have a long way to go.  But I've also made many steps forward.  I will never "get over" losing him and I will never "move on" from our love.  He will be with me always.  Sometimes I did feel as if my grief could actually kill me, as if my broken heart didn't want to beat even one day more without him.  I'm not sure exactly how I made it through so far, except that I took "one day at a time" to heart and still do.  And so I get out of bed every day and live that day.  One day I realized that it did matter to me whether I lived or died.  Maybe it was because of COVID, even though this past year certainly pushed me backward quite a bit.  I read a haiku that really made me think:

We isolate now

So when we gather again

No one is missing

It was a bit of a shock to realize that not only did I not want to lose anyone else I loved, but that I didn't want to be the one missing.  That wouldn't have been true the first year or more.  I consider that slow change to be a big step forward.

[KayC]

On 4/25/2021 at 5:17 PM, luckystarhongkong said:

sometimes we wanted to cling on to the past when our love ones were by our sides: that was too good/sweet, as compared to the bitterness that we are now facing; that is natural; but it seems the more we want to dwell in the past, the more painful it is. Perhaps when we've acknowledged that what happened have happened, and whether we like it or not, we have been thrust into this new reality and have to learn to live with it, then we may begin the process of working towards some normalcy in life. 

Amen!