why is breathing without him so hard?

[Twolost]

I lost my boyfriend 27 days ago. his death was unexpected and has completely torn my life apart. We dated when we were younger and after almost 20 years we were reunited and fell in love with each other. We loved each other in a way I have never experienced and it changed both of us. He made me want all the things in life  I never cared about like marriage and he has a 10 year old that I have just grown to love. He never planned anything and he finally said he wanted us to buy a home together this spring, 2021 was supposed to be our year and then I lost him. My life doesn't feel right now. I can barely breath since he passed. its been the worst struggle of my life. People keep telling me it gets easier, but it hasn't. They tell me Ill make through this, but I have doubted myself every day that I will. The pain of losing him is unbearable and no one understands. I need him, he was my rock. He gave me hope and brought me joy. He treated me in a way I have never seen a woman treated and losing him is breaking everything I have inside if me. Not just my heart but my mind. I'm tired of people telling me he wouldn't want to see me cry, if he was here he wouldn't but he's not. He would tell me that my smile kept getting bigger and my blue eyes brighter and he just didn't understand it was because of him. I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself at all. I don't understand why life has to be this hard. He was only 40 and promised  me  forever and now I have to figure out how to live without him. I can barely figure out how to breath without him.

[LoveNeverDies]

I’m so very sorry for your loss. I hope you find some comfort in this forum, we’re a very supportive group and understand the horrible pain of losing someone we loved so much . Please try to take care of yourself, and don’t be afraid to reach out to your doctor if you need something  to sleep or just to get through the day. I’m so sorry you’re going through this pain too ... (((( Huge Hugs ))))

 

[KellyAdalee]

I feel you on this one as I have been finding it very hard to breathe it’s like my mind forgets to breathe honestly without my boyfriend of two going on three this year I’m so sorry for your loss it’s pain that is indescribable losing a irreplaceable love, none of us on this sight deserve the pain we are feeling, I wish I knew how to make us all happy but sadly I don’t even know how to make myself happy at the moment I try to think of my love at his happiest moments and our happy memories only it gives me some peace knowing I got the honor to love him and he loved me back  I’m sorry you didn’t get your wedding that you longed for ,I as well never got the wedding we had always talked about so I feel your pain so much on that we had plans with our amazing men plans we don’t want to ever have with anyone else all my condolences

[Dawn Wms]

I am so sorry for your loss.  I understand the difficulty breathing.  It is a real and physical thing.  I think it is because the weight of the grief really is like an elephant sitting on your chest.  I am also struggling with the question of why such horrible things have to happen.  I know things can't always be perfect, but can't we all just live a natural life span?  Why oh why do people have to die young?  I don't know yet what to do with my future without my husband.  I can't rush myself to figure it out.  People who tell you it gets easier mean well, but it is way too early for your pain to subside.  I lost my husband over nine months ago, and I have not yet felt my grief ease.  I still can't wrap my head around the fact that he died.  And it is definitely not linear.  It actually got worse for me after the initial shock.  Nothing can hurry the process or make it any easier.  But sharing on a site like this is at least something.  My heart goes out to you.

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Twolost said:

I lost my boyfriend 27 days ago. his death was unexpected and has completely torn my life apart. We dated when we were younger and after almost 20 years we were reunited and fell in love with each other. We loved each other in a way I have never experienced and it changed both of us. He made me want all the things in life  I never cared about like marriage and he has a 10 year old that I have just grown to love. He never planned anything and he finally said he wanted us to buy a home together this spring, 2021 was supposed to be our year and then I lost him. My life doesn't feel right now. I can barely breath since he passed. its been the worst struggle of my life. People keep telling me it gets easier, but it hasn't. They tell me Ill make through this, but I have doubted myself every day that I will. The pain of losing him is unbearable and no one understands. I need him, he was my rock. He gave me hope and brought me joy. He treated me in a way I have never seen a woman treated and losing him is breaking everything I have inside if me. Not just my heart but my mind. I'm tired of people telling me he wouldn't want to see me cry, if he was here he wouldn't but he's not. He would tell me that my smile kept getting bigger and my blue eyes brighter and he just didn't understand it was because of him. I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself at all. I don't understand why life has to be this hard. He was only 40 and promised  me  forever and now I have to figure out how to live without him. I can barely figure out how to breath without him.

I am so sorry for your loss.  It takes MUCH time to process this, when they say it gets easier, it never gets easy, we continue to miss and love them, but the pain begins to lessen eventually, although that can be a long time, 27 days is not enough time to expect anything, it took me a good three years to process his death, more years yet to find purpose, more years yet to build a life I could live, and then Covid with it's social isolation came overnight and destroyed all I had built.  I am alone, sometimes feeling I'm back to square one...but not quite.  I do carry with me what I've learned along the way.

I remember when my George died, also suddenly/unexpectedly, way premature.  I didn't see how I could live one week without him, let alone the rest of my life.  It's been 15 1/2 years and I wrote this after about ten years out.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.