Struggling to grieve for mum

[Dancarter88]

Hi, I’ve never posted on anything like this before but I feel I need help.

My mum passed away 4 weeks ago unexpectedly at the age of 49. My dad came home from work to find her gone, they are saying it was her heart.

My mum, although only 49 had suffered terribly with Fibromyalgia for the last 3 years, COPD and most recently a mild form of heart disease

Her mental heath has always been a struggle for her and in the last year more so, has been very suicidal due to how much pain she was in and unable to do many things for herself anymore, she couldn’t even walk from one room to the next without falling or being in agony

I was very close to my mum, we spoke several times a day, however since her passing I can’t seem to grieve. I’ve had a few moments where I get upset but I haven’t let it all out yet and my dad is worried about me. Even when I saw her in the chapel of rest, I couldn’t cry, at her funeral 3 days ago, again, no tears. 

I don’t know what to do. I have my own history of mental health and I know it can be dangerous for me to bottle up my emotions but I’m not actively trying to do so

i have three children and I’m scared if I let go then I’ll be useless to them

[Monty]

An unexpected loss is a shock and our minds try it protect us from all this information and emotional turmoil. We process things at a slower pace as we try to make our way through the fog. You may be in denial and this is your way of coping.

 There is no right or wrong way to grieve. My sister questions that she has not cried much after our Dad passed. She keeps waiting for it to hit her. Maybe this will never happen for her. It does not mean she loves him any less that his other children. 

In saying this though, allow yourself time to just be with your thoughts. To sit with your loss. To find a space for it in your heart. That is where I hide my losses. Deep within me.

Take care and be kind to yourself. 

 

 

[JessW]

Hello Dancarter88,

I feel like I could have written this myself. My mom passed away unexpectedly in 2019. She was diagnosed with COPD and had chronic pain. She too, was depressed and wanting to die because of all her pain. 
 

My mom was my best friend. She was everything to me and we never went a day without talking/texting. I remember finding out about her death, I went completely numb. It was one of those moments where it became so quiet (I was at a department store) around me and all I could hear was ringing. 
 

I have not grieved because I refuse to. I wont allow myself to, because if I do, it really means she’s gone. I have not accepted her death and I refuse to. I can write, “My mom is dead” but I refuse to actually believe or accept it. I live my life thinking she’s at work and can’t respond to me because she was a major workaholic. 
 

I have a history of depression and I’m medicated now but if I grieve, I’m terrified what will happen. I have three children as well and I have to be strong for them. 
 

I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone. I share your pain and confusion about it all. 

[Mufclad]

Hey guys

We have so many similar stories. I’m so sorry for your loss. I feel like I am at a crossroads and I’m scared. I’m a very private person so this is very much outside of my comfort zone. My mum died Oct 2020. She was only 66. She had been suffering with her health for about 5 years. Got through a couple bouts of cancer then COPD took hold. I live in Boston, MA but am originally from England. I’ve lived in the US since my mid 20’s so about 15 years full time. I am close to my family and have typically managed a visit home twice a year, sometimes more. But I also joined the US Army Infantry when I moved to this Country so my service interrupted things a little. I suffer from my own combat PTSD and now with mum passing away it feels hopeless. My wife and are hoping to start a family this year and I want to be good for her and our child. I was able to be with mum when she passed, all over us were with her so i feel blessed and I know she would have loved having us all around her bed. The first few weeks were bad and I figured it would ease up by now but I think it’s getting worse. Im not suicidal or anything like that I just feel weak for feeling so sad but I don’t know how to get out of this hole??? Any help is appreciated. 

cheers guys

Mike

[Lost20210131]

On 2/10/2021 at 8:46 AM, Mufclad said:

Hey guys

We have so many similar stories. I’m so sorry for your loss. I feel like I am at a crossroads and I’m scared. I’m a very private person so this is very much outside of my comfort zone. My mum died Oct 2020. She was only 66. She had been suffering with her health for about 5 years. Got through a couple bouts of cancer then COPD took hold. I live in Boston, MA but am originally from England. I’ve lived in the US since my mid 20’s so about 15 years full time. I am close to my family and have typically managed a visit home twice a year, sometimes more. But I also joined the US Army Infantry when I moved to this Country so my service interrupted things a little. I suffer from my own combat PTSD and now with mum passing away it feels hopeless. My wife and are hoping to start a family this year and I want to be good for her and our child. I was able to be with mum when she passed, all over us were with her so i feel blessed and I know she would have loved having us all around her bed. The first few weeks were bad and I figured it would ease up by now but I think it’s getting worse. Im not suicidal or anything like that I just feel weak for feeling so sad but I don’t know how to get out of this hole??? Any help is appreciated. 

cheers guys

Mike

Mike,, I just lost my mom a couple of weeks ago and still having a hard time coping, it is so much harder than anything I have been through. I find the only thing that is keeping me in somewhat of a good place is keeping busy, reading  a lot on here has helped and people reaching out has helped. I try to reach out to people as well because helping others really helps “you”, a friend on here has suggested a book called “ it’s ok not to be ok” I ordered it from Amazon, it is a book that will certainly help, check it out.  I’m trying to focus on planting seeds for my vegetable garden, doing artwork , reading, anything that you love doing helps and certainly exercise of any kind to help you sleep better, please don’t forget to eat and take care of you.

[Lost20210131]

On 2/7/2021 at 10:52 AM, Dancarter88 said:

Hi, I’ve never posted on anything like this before but I feel I need help.

My mum passed away 4 weeks ago unexpectedly at the age of 49. My dad came home from work to find her gone, they are saying it was her heart.

My mum, although only 49 had suffered terribly with Fibromyalgia for the last 3 years, COPD and most recently a mild form of heart disease

Her mental heath has always been a struggle for her and in the last year more so, has been very suicidal due to how much pain she was in and unable to do many things for herself anymore, she couldn’t even walk from one room to the next without falling or being in agony

I was very close to my mum, we spoke several times a day, however since her passing I can’t seem to grieve. I’ve had a few moments where I get upset but I haven’t let it all out yet and my dad is worried about me. Even when I saw her in the chapel of rest, I couldn’t cry, at her funeral 3 days ago, again, no tears. 

I don’t know what to do. I have my own history of mental health and I know it can be dangerous for me to bottle up my emotions but I’m not actively trying to do so

i have three children and I’m scared if I let go then I’ll be useless to them

Dancarter, everyone grieves differently, don’t stress about things you have no control over, it all takes time, like a friend told me here,”give yourself grace” be good to yourself and try to focus o things you enjoy , any kind of exercise will help you sleep and I find meditation helps a lot and reading others story’s about what they have gone through and mostly, helping and talking to others does wonders, I ordered a book that was suggested to me called “ it’s ok not to be ok” which would help you with coping.

[imissmydad55]

Hi OP

I lost my dad almost four weeks ago too.

I don't think I've really truly started the grieving process. I wouldn't rush anything. I saw another guy in a different form say his dad passed away 8 months ago and he's only now maybe reached the acceptance phase.

Don't be hard on yourself about the numbness either - I WENT THROUGH THE EXACT SAME THING AS YOU / STILL AM.

I'm no longer at home with my mom and am back in my own world on the other side of the country which has helped in the grieving process but don't be worried if you're numb. You clearly LOVED your mother.

 

Vibes to you.