I feel so lost..

[MissyLaLaLa]

He was only 39 years old it wasn't his time to go.. My heart hurts so badly I try to stay strong for our Son, but today I couldn't hold back the tears. I got a call from his bank today asking for a payment for his truck and I had to tell them he passed away. So I got worried thinking they will repo it soon. So I went out and cleared everything out of his truck just in case. While bringing things into the house my Mom started spraying lysol on everything. (I know she didn't mean anything by it) So I said "My Husband wasn't a disease" and I started crying uncomfortably. 

Now I just keep thinking about the day he passed away. They wouldn't let me in the ambulance. When I called the hospital and asked if I could go visit my husband they said No. When I called back a few minutes later that's when they told me he was gone. After he was dead that's when they let me go to the hospital, but they wouldn't let me go before. (It pisses me off so badly) Then they had me wait 2 hours before they would let me see him. Saying things like "Are you sure you want to see him you know he had Covid?" What kind of question is that?  Of course I want to see him. The only reason they let me see him was, because I said I wasn't leaving until I did. 

I have so much anger.. I have so much pain.. Mani I miss you more than anything...❤️❤️

[Perro J]

MissyLaLaLa,

I am about to say something that I did not like hearing not long after I lost my love. "Oh, you're just starting out..."

I want to be encouraging but I also want to be truthful. It is going to take a while for the intensity of what you are feeling to subside. I remember it feeling like my ship sank and the shore, if even visible, was further away than I thought I could swim. There is no quick way to get better that I know of. There is a sea of hurt that you have to traverse and right now is simply enduring. I can't tell you exactly how long it will take. Your experience will be your own.

A few days ago, I was on the sofa, hugging a pillow and thinking of my lost love. I had placed one of my hands over the other and started thinking of her. I imagined her head on my shoulder, her hair brushed against my face. As crazy as this sounds, I swore I could feel her hand in between mine, warm and safe. For a few moments, I felt her spirit. I remembered her as she was and it did not make me break down nor weep. It made me feel better.

I am by no means to the shore yet and I don't know if I ever will be. There will still be down days. There will still be tears. It doesn't hurt as bad as it did.

One day, you won't be feeling as bad as you do right now. Hang in there.

[Missy1]

Sounds like one of the bad days, some days are like that, overwhelming and filled with grief. Sometimes I try to think about what triggered this. For me it’s connected to when I’m struggling with bills or work stress. Some days it helps to get out of my head and sit outside and breathe, listen to the sounds, look at the smallest or largest things in nature, live in the moment. It’s new to me but helps me get of the funk.

[KayC]

I doubt it helps to know what's ahead, that's why I stay in TODAY.  It's enough to breathe, get dressed, drink water, remember to pay a bill.  If one is doing that, they're surviving.  Let tomorrow handle tomorrow, today has enough trouble of it's own.  Yes there's a glimmer of hope in tomorrow, it's hard for new grievers to see that, I hope it helps to take our word for it. 

[Gail 8588]

MissyLaLaLa, 

I am so sorry you are in such pain.  None of this is fair. None of it is right.  Your anger and frustration are completely understandable, at least to those of us who have suffered a similar loss. 

Grief is a terrible roller coaster of twist and turns and sudden drops.  At times you will be going along sort of okay and then suddenly you're a basket case sobbing or angry.  Regret and guilt can build up becoming an impossible burden to bear.  Anger at everyone and everything can flare up. Even anger at him.  Your mind struggles to make sense of this new reality often placing blame - because this has to be someone's fault.

You will work through your grief at your own pace.  Do what you can to comfort and support your son, as he is on this grief journey too. I'm glad your mom is there to lend a hand to both you and her grandson.

Come here to vent and rage, cry or question. We understand better than most and will do what we can help. 

Hugs

Gail