His funeral was today, and now it’s real.

[Rashell]

I’m sure everyone is sick of hearing how awful his family has been, I’m sick of it as well. Today, everything came to a head. They had told me his funeral would be at the end of February, and it would be “family only” so I could not go. I don’t know why, but the reality of it hadn’t set in because it hadn’t happened yet. There was still this shred of hope in me that someway, somehow I would see his face one last time. His funeral was today. I found out from all his friends posting it on social media. It was not family only. Every single one of his friends were there, even people that were not close with him at all. People he hadn’t talked to in years. All these people that got the chance to see him one last time, that I was denied of. They all lied to me. They lied to make absolute sure there was no way I would be there. Lied about what day it was, lied that it was family only, lied about everything- just to keep me away. Just to keep me from seeing him one last time. Even though I wasn’t there, it just hit me- he’s really gone. He isn’t coming back. And there is now no possible way I will ever have one last look at him. I had been in shock until this point, and I was fine with that. This is so much worse. I haven’t stopped crying for almost 24 hours. My face is swollen and cracked and bleeding from being so dry from all the tissues. I feel like I can’t breathe. Realizing everything is really gone, it’s worse than that night. Worse than when I found out. I tried to hold it together and sit through one of my support groups tonight and I got about 15 minutes in before I just left. It all feels pointless, it won’t bring him back. I wanted so badly to see him one last time, even if it wasn’t really “him”. Now that he is buried, I realize I will never see him. Will never see his face. Will never get to hold his hand. Touch his face. He is gone, and now I have to live like this. He has been gone, but there was still the chance of seeing his face one last time. That was taken from me. He was taken from me, everything was taken from me and I’m stuck here having to live with it. I know it’s one day at a time, but one day is too much. Every breath is too much if he isn’t here. I just wanted one last second with the person, the body, the face I knew. I just wanted to hold his hand one last time. To see with my own eyes and know he is at peace. I will never ever get that, I will never ever know. I can’t believe he’s really gone. 

[steveb]

Rashell ... that family is a obviously a bunch of heartless fools.  It is so sad to see how they have brushed you off, denied your last moments with him, and made your grief worse.  My heart ❤️ goes out to you dear.  And, vent as much as you need to on here.

[SDC]

I'm so sorry that his family's cruelty has no bounds. Their behavior increases your pain and trauma. It's terrible. It's impossible to comprehend why people behave the way they do and it's fruitless to expend energy trying to understand them. I hope you continue to vent here and that you have a support network. 

[KayC]

It is hard for me to comprehend this family's despicable  treatment.  Everything has been taken from you except for ONE thing!  His LOVE.  That can never be taken away, no matter what they pull.  Try to rest in that.  Try not to let his horrid family have the power to change who and how you are.  Do not waste one moment in even wishing bad for them, as tempting as it is for ALL of us to wish, but instead, let them all be dead to you.  They are of no consequence.  It amazes me how someone as wonderful as him came from THIS but it speaks of his resilience, even as my George's.  It's too his credit, not theirs.  You have us behind you 100%.  

[jmmosley53]

Rashell,

I am sorry that the opportunity you hoped for has been lost.  It is hard to imagine why his family and his friends  would conspire to keep you from the funeral.

If there is one solace for you, it is that you have wonderful mental images of your love.  Beautiful moments you both shared.

You do not have to have the cruel mind numbing image of you beloved's face dead.  You will not have to remember how they body that you so loved so much looked laying in a casket.

Those people that kept you from the funeral will have the last memory of your love as a corpse.  You are the one with the beautiful images.

I know it is hard to appreciate what you have gained by not attending right now, but going forward you might be glad.  

[yvo4848]

I was just wondering why this family was so mean to you ,what were they hiding maybe hes x wife .Maybe something to protect another. So it may be you have hes heart .Take has hair brush and take few strains of hes hair and put it in a locket. If not maybe a piece of clothing .something he wear.Im so sorry sweeheart.amen

[Nicolecm]

I'm so sorry to read that you had to go thru this at such a difficult time. People can be so mean and selfish. You dont have the closure of seeing him or touching him one last time. But he is with you now. Take time to talk to him and share with him. Know that even though you cant see him now, he is there with you.

[foreverhis]

On 2/4/2021 at 4:01 AM, Rashell said:

I’m sure everyone is sick of hearing how awful his family has been,

I'm sorry I'm late with this, but I just want to say that while we and you are of course sick of the horrible treatment you have received and no doubt continue to receive from his family, we are not tired of you coming here to talk about it, vent your anger and pain, and "scream" verbally when you need.  We will always, always listen, give advice when asked, and offer whatever comfort we can.

((HUGS))