I hurt so bad its physical but a tiny part of me is ok because

[Cindyd]

I lost my husband December 17th 2020. He was my childhood sweet heart.  I know the idea of true love and only one for me is true. We had that. I realized I never will replace him but I can start a new path and carry him with me. It made me feel like although I'm mostly broken hearted there is a part that's ok. I'm ok because he loved me so much, because he asked me to be ok the day he died. I'm ok because I have our memories always.  I'm ok because its what he would have wanted. I hurt so bad sometimes its physical though. I'm scared of a future without him and I'm already lonely but that tiny part is ok.

[Diane R. E.]

Hello Cindy; I am so very sorry for your loss, but glad that you found this forum - it has helped me so much. (My husband passed away October 6, 2020.) I know oh so well about the physical pain of grief. Our hearts hurt so bad we actually have chest pains or other physical ailments. And yes, grief is very lonely! I commend you on being ok - you are right in that you will never replace him. When you feel able, please tell us more about your husband, and keep coming here to post and/or read other posts.  

[Gail 8588]

Cindy, 

I am so sorry for your loss.  I lost my true love after 38 years of marriage. I also feel truly blessed for having the gift of sharing my life with him. I am glad you can focus on the love you shared right now and feel that a part of you is okay.  

There may be times when it is more difficult to feel okay.  Dispair can come in waves. Whether you are feeling strong or lost, we are here for you.

Gail

[Cindyd]

I should have edited that post. In not the best at expressing what I feel in writing. Right now my thoughts are everywhere. I'm not ok. I hurt like I never knew I could. I just mean along side of that despair I still have a tiny part of me with hope. My husband gave it to me before he died. I feel so grateful to him. He thought only me on his death bed.  He had so much heart. He was the most incredible unselfish loving man in the world. I had everything.

[Sparky1]

Cindy, I am very sorry for your loss. My wife passed away in October and for me the hardest part has been the loneliness. I'm alone in the house with our little dog and at times the loneliness is overwhelming. Today was a very bad day for me as I thought about how much I miss my wife and I broke down countless times already and the day is not over yet. The grief is unrelenting and there are good days and bad days for me. We're all here to hopefully help each other with advice and by sharing our feelings which are very common to all of us.

[Cindyd]

I'm sorry for your loss. Thank you for the kind words. My landlord made us give away my husbands and my much loved pet when we moved in. I needed Bella now more than ever. Everyone else in neighbor hood has a dog. I seem to hurt more everyday he's away.  I thought I'd felt loss pain and death before but this is far worse. I lost who I was and him my companion. Sometimes I think I won't make it past this..

[KayC]

22 hours ago, Cindyd said:

I'm scared of a future without him

When my George died, I was terrified, in a panic, anxiety through the roof!  We were everything to each other, we were a TEAM!  I learned to take one day at a time.  I can't bite off the whole "rest of my life" as it's too much.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own.  Ain't that for sure!  So I stay in today.  Yes we have to make plans for some things, but beyond that, I don't go there, everything is tentative, I just do TODAY.  It helps me a lot.    I've discovered an added bonus to that too, living in the present helps us to fully appreciate what IS.  Grasp anything good and fully embrace it.  My big joy, George, is gone, but I keep my eyes out for the "little joys", nothing too small to count.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Bennie Jets]

Cindyd, I am so sorry for your loss. I think I know what you mean. I picked up my husband's remains from the cremation and his death certificates from the funeral home today and I thought I would die. Talked to a friend on the phone before going in, and that helped a ton, so I did not feel so alone.

On the way home, I could hear him in my mind: 'Awr-right, let's get som'thin' to eat! Can we stop for a drink on the way home?' He was diabetic and always thirsty for a cold soda and somewhat irreverent to bad news in life - he was always so easy going and I am sure he wanted me to be alright. Hearing him in my head made me smile and I was a ok for a tiny moment, too. He would not have wanted me doubled over in grief.

I miss him so. With him everything was alright. Coming home from that dreadful trip would have been fine, too, with him. Right now I cry again. Can't help it.

The song "All of me loves all of you" was one of our favorites and it says..."You've got my head spinning, no kidding, I can't pin you down
What's going on in that beautiful mind
I'm on your magical mystery ride"

He always surprised me and got me out of a panic or bad situation and while he is not here now, I can sometimes honor his ways and be ok for a moment when I remember what he would have done or said or what he would have wanted me to do. Just be ok. Let it go. Let life happen. Not always the way you want. He was ok with that. Just wanted some peace. Wanted me to have some peace. 

He did not want to die. There was nothing either one of us could do about it in the end. 

[Bennie Jets]

On 2/2/2021 at 4:27 AM, Cindyd said:

My landlord made us give away my husbands and my much loved pet when we moved in. I needed Bella now more than ever. Everyone else in neighbor hood has a dog. 

Could you get the dog back?