Members borbzgirl Posted January 30, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 30, 2021 I found this poem and I feel like sharing it with everyone. I think a lot of us are in this state right now, going through the motions to survive the day but breaking down at night. I force myself to function at work, to function as a human being, but it exhausts me so much. I hold back tears all the time, because I find myself emotionally triggered so easily, even when doing the most mundane tasks my tears just fall. I'm a very sad person right now, and I don't know how to escape it. My boyfriend's sister seems to be coping well, she posts food on social media now. And I'm jealous, I wish I was healing too. She told me to just think that he is happy now, at peace. And that's what she's thinking to feel better... But I can't think that, because I know that he is just gone. He's not happy or sad or anything... It's the saddest thought, that somebody who meant the world to me is just gone completely. Nothing is left of him, his thoughts, his opinions, his hopes & dreams, they're all just gone. There is no thought that consoles me... I cannot delude myself into thinking that he's happy now. I feel like I'm drowning most of the time, it's so hard to let gim go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LoveNeverDies Posted January 30, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 30, 2021 I can totally relate. I think about him constantly, during the day at work I try my best to stay busy so I don’t get triggered and fall apart.Then it hurts just driving home knowing he’s not going to be there. Every night when I’m alone in bed I think about him , there’s a deep emptiness and an indescribable pain that will never leave me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sparky1 Posted January 30, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 30, 2021 This pain we're all experiencing is horrible. I read everyone's stories and what they're going through and it just hurts me because I have the same feelings and know how terrible this journey is. Borbzgirl, I love that poem and it is so true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jimmylost Posted January 30, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 30, 2021 I just lost my wife being a man people seem too think it’s not as hard but believe me it is. I can’t even get myself to look at pictures of her without the tears so I try not too but my kids just don’t understand I really hope you don’t have to go Through that too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 30, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted January 30, 2021 1 hour ago, Jimmylost said: I just lost my wife being a man people seem too think it’s not as hard but believe me it is. I can’t even get myself to look at pictures of her without the tears so I try not too but my kids just don’t understand I really hope you don’t have to go Through that too @Jimmylost I am so sorry that you also are going through this. Our families/friends may care but not truly understand the magnitude or the feelings we experience...they can't "get it" until they've experienced it themselves, and we don't wish that on anyone. I am glad you found us and hope you will continue to come here, share your story when/if you're ready. We want to be here for you. I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MissyLaLaLa Posted January 30, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 30, 2021 I can totally relate to that poem. Alot of times I feel like I am walking around in a fog. People try to cheer me up, but I just don't have it in me to smile or laugh anymore. I try my hardest to help his Family feel better, because I know that's what Mani would want me to do. His Mother was always his number one so I try to comfort her in the best way I can, but I am so lost.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Diane R. E. Posted January 30, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 30, 2021 Yes, your brain is in a fog right now being your grief is so new. It took me a number of weeks before I could truly engage in a meaningful conversation. Please be good to yourself though and grieve in a manner you need. It's wonderful that you can be of some comfort to Mani's mother, but that's doubly hard than being able to focus on yourself. My heart goes out to you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 31, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted January 31, 2021 16 hours ago, Diane R. E. said: Yes, your brain is in a fog right now being your grief is so new. Our brains go through much trauma, it's not quick/easy for it to recover from. I'm not sure mine has ever fully been the same but it did improve eventually. It made it harder to do my job or focus. http://www.refugeingrief.com/grief-crazy/ https://mikeunkelhaeuser.weebly.com/blog/widows-brain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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