Hatred towards the world

[borbzgirl]

Is it normal to feel so much hatred at the world? My first close experience with death was when my dad died in a vehicle collision when I was 18. My dad was everything to me, I grew up with him since I was 7 years old when my parents separated. We were inseperable until that accident. That was my first time to realize death really could happen to people I love.

I thought I had gone through it all already, then my boyfriend was killed 3 weeks ago. I don't understand how this could happen to me twice. It has been years since my dad's death but I can't help but feel being unfairly bullied by this life... I know it's a selfish feeling because no one's supposed to be exempted from death, but these were 2 of the most major people in my life that I loved so much. How could it happen to me twice? What are the odds? I feel betrayed by a very unfair world

[jmmosley53]

Hello Borbzgirl,

I am sorry you have suffered a 2nd loss in your life.

The world is very unfair.  No one should ever have to lose any one they love. But, it happens, and it stinks every single time.

Don't worry too much about being selfish.  That's kind of natural.  A lot of people get angry, some get depressed, some get over whelming sad and cry till they make them selves sick.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve.  This site has helped me endure my loss a little better.  Sometimes I read, sometimes I post, please do what gives you the most comfort.  Everyone here has been supportive and they have shared their experiences  - it helped me to know I was not alone and, I was not going insane.

[Roxeanne]

When my loved one died i wanted that the earth stopped spinning, that the sun turned off

I hated that the sky remained blu and people continued their life as if nothing had happened!

It's normal....you are the lost star and you want the whole firmament is extinguished

[KayC]

We feel what we feel, that doesn't make it right or wrong, it just is.  It's not fair, nothing is fair.

When my husband unexpectedly died (we didn't meet until mid-40s and he died five days after his 51st birthday) I did not see how the sun could go on shining.  How did people continue with their lives when the very ray of sunshine left the world!  He was my life, my world!  I did not see how I could live a week without him, let alone 40 years.  I had to learn to take one day at a time.  Elsewhere I posted this for you but want to post it again in your own thread to make sure you have easy access to it.  There's no rhyme or reason to the order, just things I've learned over the years and throw out there.  There is no one-size-fits-all to this journey.  What one person finds comforting, another can find upsetting.  Some things in this article can apply now, some don't resonate until years down the road, this is a journey that is ever-evolving.  No time frame, as we're all unique.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[ScotJ65]

Hello Borbzgirl, I've recently lost my partner who died in November at the age of just 54. For almost 6 years my world revolved around her. She was my everything. Now I just feel desolate and empty. I fully understand how you're feeling right now because I feel the same way. The world is indeed a cruel, unjust and at times despicable place. My partner was the loveliest, kindest most gentle woman I've ever met & I cherish the day I met her. But never lose hope, because if you're like me, then you'll strongly believe that we'll meet our loved ones again in a far better place than this.

[KayC]

@ScotJ65  Welcome here, although I wish you had no cause to be here.  It is the hardest thing I've ever been through but I've also learned more about myself in the years since and developed confidence in handling things on my own...still, I would trade everything to have him back for even just five minutes!  Just having him hold me was the best thing in the world, I've never felt that with anyone but him.  I hope you also were able to get something out of my article above.  It's about all I know in a nutshell.

 

[Cindyd]

I feel the same. Every time I am happy and content something happens right before Christmas to totally destroy me and my life. I have cussed God, luck and the fates for playing with me like this. Part of me knows that death and the other things just happened to me are just stasticaly likely but what's the chances of it occurring a few days before Christmas every time. I needed him bad. He healed my heart over and over.

[borbzgirl]

@Cindyd You know what's weird? My dad died on Christmas, he was out of town when it happened (he went to spend Christmas at his hometown - with his siblings). I decided to stay behind with my mom & brother that time. This was back in 2013. It was the most horrible holiday I ever had to endure. 

 

And then my boyfriend was murdered 3 weeks ago. I feel that this is all so unfair, for these tragedies to happen to them and to me... I was picked to experience it twice, even though I feel like once was already enough. What a cruel world I live in...

 

[KayC]

On 2/2/2021 at 7:26 AM, borbzgirl said:

I feel that this is all so unfair, for these tragedies to happen to them and to me.

And it is unfair.  I don't know that we're singled out or picked on, but life happens and nothing "fair" about it.