Intense sorrow

[borbzgirl]

I came here because sometimes the pain gets overwhelming..... I feel like I must be the only one in the world with this kind of pain, so I'm here trying to find comfort from people who are going through the same thing as I am... & Perhaps I won't feel so alone...

My boyfriend died 3 weeks ago. He was murdered with 3 other people in the room all of them shot to death, the target was not him but he just happened to be there.

I am still so in love with him, and we had so many plans. He was my best friend, my only confidant, and all my plans for the future revolved around a life with him. I am in so much pain, sometimes I cannot breathe because it's so intense. It's so hard to accept that he is completely gone. I blame myself because he wanted to come stay with me starting December (we were going to start living together) but I told him only after the holidays (January), even though he badly wanted to come last December. It was my decision to keep him there until January. It could have been prevented. How do I forgive myself? How do I start to heal from something like this? I cry all the time, I miss him and long for him so much. I have so much pain in my heart.

 

He was only 35. He has his whole life ahead of him.

 

 

 

 

[Elsa]

I’m so sorry to hear about your loss what an absolutely tragic way to go. You are in shock right now and it will take time for your consciousness to catch up with reality. Blaming yourself is a phase I went through too, I think many people go through. I gave my boyfriend aspirin when he was having a stroke and I kept thinking I probably killed him - certainly caused the bleeding to be much worse. I didn’t take him to the hospital when he asked, told him to take a nap. I beat myself up for weeks.
The guilt is not real. It’s a natural human response to tragedy, but try to let go of it as much as you can. The guilt you feel is just love transposed. A grief counsellor would tell you that people die: we are all going to die. Some die more tragically than others but it’s never anyone’s fault. It’s the natural order of things. Make sure there are people around you to witness your grief, that helps. And be patient with yourself. You are so early in this process. Just get through day by day, week by week. I promise it will get better, the pain will not ever be as violent as it is today. ❤️

[LoveNeverDies]

@borbzgirl Im so very sorry, my heart breaks for you. Please come here and write, we’re all on this crappy road together and understand the pain you’re feeling. Don’t be afraid to reach out to your doctor for help, sometimes we need something to help us get through the day or to sleep. We all tend to blame ourselves in some way, it’s not your fault!  you loved him and was doing what you thought was best. I’m glad you found this site and I hope you find some comfort here .. (((((Huge Hugs)))))

[Perro J]

I assure you that you are not the only one in the world with this pain. Yet I also know that is a thimble full of comfort in a bucket of sorrow. It helps but it is not enough.

There is no justice, nor fairness, in what happened to him - and in turn you and those who loved him.

The intensity of the grief will last for awhile. I cannot say exactly how long - everyone experiences it differently. It will be longer than you want it to - that much I think is universal. Please believe us when we say it will one day lessen even if never go away completely. Nor is it a linear, constant improvement. It is movement forward and backwards, up and down. I hope that the murderer gets what is coming - but I cannot predict how that will turn out.

My sincere condolences.

[KayC]

I am so sorry, this is a true nightmare on all counts, my heart goes out to you.  You are younger than my kids, I can't imagine.  Perro is right, there is nothing fair about this, no resounding answers to the question, "why," I asked the whole first year but finally quit asking.  Nothing changed what happened.  You have found a good place and I hope it helps you to express yourself and read other's posts.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Anaana]

My dear I'm sorry for your loss. I assure you you're not alone in this, I lost my love 5days ago, he just died in my hands. He was 30 years old as was I. We were so happy together, he was half my life. I don't know how I'm ever going to go on without him. The pain is unbearable. Two things I will say to you, first, you are stronger than you think. Second, please reach out for help if you haven't alrady. A health professional will be a great help to you. We must stay strong, we must keep going because that is what they would want us to do. I'm always here to talk.