Death related tasks/business

[SDC]

I just need to vent about the endless tasks after death. Every flipping task is an emotional gut punch even when you tell yourself you won't lose it this time. This morning I wept in an icy alley near the bank after I finally closed my spouse's bank accounts. I didn't think I'd cry this time (he's been dead 9 months), but alas, there I was removing my mask so I could loudly weep in a alley. It's such lonely work and no one else--at least in my life--thinks about it or checked in to see how any of that was going (I'm in my 50s and we didn't have kids). I feel like a child wishing someone patted me on the back every time I completed something off the long list.  (Who knew grief would often make me feel like a needy child?! Ugh. Something else weird and unfamiliar to process.)  I'm sure everyone here dreaded and suffered through each task like me---so many accounts to cancels, phone calls to inattentive service reps, sending/showing up with a death certificate, trips to banks, etc. It's strange too how depleting each task is---I feel totally wiped out every time I get something done. 

[foreverhis]

I'm afraid that kind of thing doesn't really change.  At least, it hasn't for me.  Each time we change or close accounts, fill out forms, and sign our names, it's a tangible reminder, that gut punch, that we really have lost them and they are not coming home.

Several months ago, I decided to have my sister's name added to our every day checking account and safe deposit box so that if something happens to me, she'll have immediate access.  She's my executor now, so it seemed the smart thing to do. 

Up until then, I hadn't removed my husband's name from those accounts, though I had had to change investment and other accounts because of government regulations.  At the bank, we discovered that in order to add my sister, my husband's name would have to be removed from the checking account.  Apparently, every person on that type of account has to approve of adding another signer.  Of course I told the banker to go ahead because the reality part of my brain knew it had to happen.  But my heart and the emotional part of my brain barely held it together. 

I've never cried easily in front of other people, not even my husband, so that stoicism got me through and back home.  Once I was alone, I broke down.  The finality of it, of removing him from an account that represented all the mundane things like paying bills and writing checks to contractors, hit me hard.  And this was a full 2 years after he died. 

I don't know, I guess it just feels like every time I have to have his name removed from something, a little piece of his life disappears and along with it, a little piece of us together.

[Sparky1]

I can relate to the stress involved in getting things in order. I'm still not finished and trust me it has been very emotional and stressful. Cancelling cards, paying them off, going to a lawyer, going to the bank a million times . I closed our joint account and I told the banker that it was very painful, he told me to not worry about it. I didn't say anything but was very upset at how he didn't '' get it''. I still have to go get the vehicle ownership transfered to my name. This doesn't include the many phone calls I've made for everything imaginable. It has been hectic since my wife passed away, and I've had to force myself to get these things done. It hurt quite a bit emotionally, but I want everything all cleared up so I can concentrate on grieving for her. I'm sure she approves everything I've done.

[foreverhis]

Here's another little story to maybe make you feel not so alone.  The plain truth is that I've left John on all the utility accounts unless I had to switch to an individual account. 

About 5 months ago, I finally got around to switching some of our tech services, something we'd talked about shortly before he got really sick.  I'll be saving more than $150/month--a huge difference, especially with my reduced budget--and getting as much or more/better than before.  Yay.  All was going well until I realized that the home phone hadn't been transferred to the new company.  Hm.  I called and found out that because I wasn't the primary account holder of the original account, I couldn't authorize the transfer.

So off I went, death certificate in hand and as instructed, to initiate the transfer in person.  It was supposedly processing and would be complete within a week.  A week went by and it hadn't happened.  I called and for the next 3 weeks got transferred from person to person, all of whom gave me a little song and dance about how it would be completed as soon as fill-in-the-blank and fill-in-the-person/department had processed it.  By the 5th or 6th time I had to call, I just couldn't take it.  I was angry and upset, so I told the phone rep that every time the company dragged it out and told me one thing or another that didn't happen or blamed some other department, forcing me to go through everything yet again, it hurt me.  Despite my best efforts, I simply lost it.  Finally though I had gotten a rep who knew what to do and did it while I was on the phone.  So the account was transferred at last.

That should have been the end of it, but it wasn't.  Once the phone number was transferred to a new account in my name, it should have been shifted to the new company automatically.  It wasn't.  So I had to call the new company, again, only to discover that "someone" had "mistakenly" closed the request--even though it was already part of my monthly bill!  Off we go again.  I had to tell the whole story and once again simply couldn't handle it when the rep said that I'd have to close something, start something else, and blah-blah-blah.  Nope, no way.  I told her flat out that, while I didn't blame her personally, two phone companies had put me through hell for more than 6 weeks by then.  I told her (well, kind of angrily sobbed really) that I needed her to figure it out RIGHT NOW and give me an official confirmation.  She did and 5 days later everything was closed, opened, or transferred.

All that emotional pain just to transfer one lousy phone number.

[Yoli]

I am also in my 50's with no children. No one has asked me about all the business things that need done. I would love for that pat on the back and say You Are Doing a Good Job. I know Indy would tell me that. We are nearly 9 months in and there are some jobs I still can't even think about facing yet. I miss that feeling of safety you have when you are with your One.

[steveb]

I had to sign some paperwork yesterday at my bank to remove my wife as a CD beneficiary and then add my kids. I thought I got this done a few months ago, but obviously not.  The pain at the moment of signing was pretty bad.  It was like a fresh emotional scab being removed from my heart. 

[jmmosley53]

I so relate to what every one is saying.  I'll be 68 and I'm not very tech savvy.  I am often told to go to some app.  and fill out some form, they never work as I think they should.  I am so tired of tears spilling down my face as I try to explain to some voice on the phone that I want the same account not a new one.

I will not, erase my husband's name from the face of the earth.  I'm just leaving some accounts as they were.

This is the 1st time I will have to file income tax with out him.  Since he was alive a few months during 2020 I have to file jointly.  The online tax thingies won't let me file in my name because his name was first in 2019.  It is so upsetting I can't even fill out the forms for the tears blurring my vision.

It seems that the account department at every single place make it as hard as possible to accomplish tasks like this.  I want to scream at them - just do what I tell you to do - but I don't want to take out my anger and frustration on some poor person on the other end of the phone line.

Doing those kinds of tasks kill me.

[SDC]

10 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Here's another little story to maybe make you feel not so alone.  The plain truth is that I've left John on all the utility accounts unless I had to switch to an individual account. 

About 5 months ago, I finally got around to switching some of our tech services, something we'd talked about shortly before he got really sick.  I'll be saving more than $150/month--a huge difference, especially with my reduced budget--and getting as much or more/better than before.  Yay.  All was going well until I realized that the home phone hadn't been transferred to the new company.  Hm.  I called and found out that because I wasn't the primary account holder of the original account, I couldn't authorize the transfer.

So off I went, death certificate in hand and as instructed, to initiate the transfer in person.  It was supposedly processing and would be complete within a week.  A week went by and it hadn't happened.  I called and for the next 3 weeks got transferred from person to person, all of whom gave me a little song and dance about how it would be completed as soon as fill-in-the-blank and fill-in-the-person/department had processed it.  By the 5th or 6th time I had to call, I just couldn't take it.  I was angry and upset, so I told the phone rep that every time the company dragged it out and told me one thing or another that didn't happen or blamed some other department, forcing me to go through everything yet again, it hurt me.  Despite my best efforts, I simply lost it.  Finally though I had gotten a rep who knew what to do and did it while I was on the phone.  So the account was transferred at last.

That should have been the end of it, but it wasn't.  Once the phone number was transferred to a new account in my name, it should have been shifted to the new company automatically.  It wasn't.  So I had to call the new company, again, only to discover that "someone" had "mistakenly" closed the request--even though it was already part of my monthly bill!  Off we go again.  I had to tell the whole story and once again simply couldn't handle it when the rep said that I'd have to close something, start something else, and blah-blah-blah.  Nope, no way.  I told her flat out that, while I didn't blame her personally, two phone companies had put me through hell for more than 6 weeks by then.  I told her (well, kind of angrily sobbed really) that I needed her to figure it out RIGHT NOW and give me an official confirmation.  She did and 5 days later everything was closed, opened, or transferred.

All that emotional pain just to transfer one lousy phone number.

foreverhis: Thank you for sharing and reliving the long, painful slog of transferring one phone number. Unlike you, I'll cry anywhere. I laugh now at my public weeping in a Sprint store last summer during a ridiculously long wait to cancel his account. I finally got serviced when I started bawling. Haha  At least I can laugh a little about it now. 

It's strange how finishing each task feels like further erasing your person. They're gone---nothing can erase them further than their complete physical absence, but it sure feels that way. Thanks again for sharing with me. This internet stranger appreciates it! 

[SDC]

9 hours ago, Yoli said:

I am also in my 50's with no children. No one has asked me about all the business things that need done. I would love for that pat on the back and say You Are Doing a Good Job. I know Indy would tell me that. We are nearly 9 months in and there are some jobs I still can't even think about facing yet. I miss that feeling of safety you have when you are with your One.

B (my spouse) died 4/20 so you and I are also on similar grief timelines. I hit the 9 month mark last week. My work will be done after one more trip to the bank next week (although I. know there may be small things I haven't thought of yet). I too know B would tell me I'm doing a good job and I ask him to remind me of my strength every time I set out on a task related to his death. I don't know about you, but talking to him aloud helps. He's physically gone, but so present in my head and heart that talking to him feels both healthy and necessary. Thanks for replying to my post and validating all that I shared. 

[SDC]

12 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

I can relate to the stress involved in getting things in order. I'm still not finished and trust me it has been very emotional and stressful. Cancelling cards, paying them off, going to a lawyer, going to the bank a million times . I closed our joint account and I told the banker that it was very painful, he told me to not worry about it. I didn't say anything but was very upset at how he didn't '' get it''. I still have to go get the vehicle ownership transfered to my name. This doesn't include the many phone calls I've made for everything imaginable. It has been hectic since my wife passed away, and I've had to force myself to get these things done. It hurt quite a bit emotionally, but I want everything all cleared up so I can concentrate on grieving for her. I'm sure she approves everything I've done.

Sparky1: Thanks for sharing with me. Like I wrote to someone else, it's strange who completing a task feels like contributing to erasing your person. It isn't rational--we know they're gone and you can't further erase what is already gone--but still . . . the feeling persists. I hear you about the less than compassionate banker. It's helpful when who you're dealing with takes the time to be kind and show compassion. Some do, some don't. I've been touched by the kindness of so many strangers and appalled by the opposite from others. I see that your loss is still new (my spouse died 9 months ago). Be kind to yourself. 

[SDC]

7 hours ago, jmmosley53 said:

I so relate to what every one is saying.  I'll be 68 and I'm not very tech savvy.  I am often told to go to some app.  and fill out some form, they never work as I think they should.  I am so tired of tears spilling down my face as I try to explain to some voice on the phone that I want the same account not a new one.

I will not, erase my husband's name from the face of the earth.  I'm just leaving some accounts as they were.

This is the 1st time I will have to file income tax with out him.  Since he was alive a few months during 2020 I have to file jointly.  The online tax thingies won't let me file in my name because his name was first in 2019.  It is so upsetting I can't even fill out the forms for the tears blurring my vision.

It seems that the account department at every single place make it as hard as possible to accomplish tasks like this.  I want to scream at them - just do what I tell you to do - but I don't want to take out my anger and frustration on some poor person on the other end of the phone line.

Doing those kinds of tasks kill me.

jmmosley53: Thanks for responding & sharing. I'm sorry you're suffering through tasks too. I've had service reps on the phone give me similar unhelpful directives--for example, telling me to download his death certificate at their site even after telling them I already did or I tried and the function failed. So many frustrations on top of emotional turmoil. I'm always grateful when a service provider shows a bit of compassion. 

I understand your statement "I will not erase my husband's name from the face of the earth." Every time I cancel an account or take his name off something I too feel like I'm erasing him. I know it isn't a rational--he's gone and taking care of legal and business matters doesn't further deepen his absence---but the feeling remains. Wishing you comfort & strength. 

[KayC]

It is the hardest thing in the world!  These demands are put on us just when we are least capable of dealing with them or thinking straight!  I made a huge mistake in the beginning, I didn't realize until about five years later.

I'm in OR and each state can vary.  When George died we were disputing the bill on the life insurance as it was different than quoted, so we had no life insurance, wouldn't you know.  We had $120 in the bank and with the hospital/ambulance/doctor bills we owed out $72,000.00!  Sacred Heart Hospital was harassing me for their money, threatening 29% interest or some such ridiculous amount.  So I decided to remortgage my home as I could deduct the interest on my taxes and get a lower rate.  Made sense.  I later discovered that I would not have been responsible for his debts since I didn't sign anything!  Of course, they didn't tell me that part.  The endless things you go through when they die is horrendous, and doing that when all our friends disappeared overnight made it all the worse!

8 hours ago, jmmosley53 said:

This is the 1st time I will have to file income tax with out him.

The first year we file taxes after their death we can still do married filing jointly and claim them.

[Missy1]

On 1/29/2021 at 7:25 PM, foreverhis said:

Here's another little story to maybe make you feel not so alone.  The plain truth is that I've left John on all the utility accounts unless I had to switch to an individual account. 

Thank you, I left all utilities in his name, authorized on the accounts but he is still the prime. I was embarrassed that a year has passed and I have not felt compelled to fix these accounts lol. I feel better...

[SSC]

I feel the same about wanting to keep my husband’s name on my accounts.  I held my ground at the credit union when they wanted me to open a new account in my name only.  They finally let me keep my same account but took his name off even though he was the main account holder.  The biggest reason to take our partners name off the accounts is the potential  of identity theft.  I’ve heard nefarious individuals track those who have passed away and will prey on the widow/widower and/or use the identity of their loved one.  It wasn’t a risk I was willing to take when I could barely function as it was.

my mother passed away a few months ago and she never took my fathers name off the utility bill.  She just continued to pay the bill for 15 years.  My sister needed to take over the utilities as she was still living in the house at the time.  It was a tedious mess trying to get the account put in her name as she was told she didn’t have the legal right.  

emotionally I understand keeping our partner’s name on all our accounts forever!  However, in the long run it can have potential problems.
 

[KayC]

Taking his name off the bank account, insurance (his rate was high), and the second year filing taxes I had to check the single/widowed box, that was hard.  I didn't want to remove him from anything!

It felt like we'd just put our lives together, only to have to undo it all!