Members sandor_hound Posted January 29, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 29, 2021 Hello, my mother passed away 17 days ago due to cancer. Because of the pandemic she couldn't be treated properly in the Eastern European country she was a national of, was misdiagnosed and dismissed several times, which made me seethe with anger intermittently. Then apathy took over since when the doctors finally got their heads out of their rectum it was too late already. Leading up to her death, I always imagined the impossibility of going on with my life, hardly being able to get up in the morning and go to work. But when it came to pass it left me ... cold? No more tears. Whenever I contemplate pictures or videos - nothing. I've also stopped blaming myself for not having saved her (we consulted two oncotherapy clinics, to no avail) any more, which I used to do on a daily basis, calling myself an unworthy, useless son. Even the wish to follow her instantly has subsided for some reason, which makes me feel like a traitor. Will the flood gates open one day or am I effectively screwed up emotionally? Could I still be in a state of shock, is this a coping mechanism of my mind/body protecting me and keeping me functional throughout every-day life? Should I consider grief counseling anytime soon? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members AnnieHB Posted January 29, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 29, 2021 Hi Sandor, I lost my mom on December 6th. She was on hospice and they exposed her to Covid. She already had dementia but when the Covid hit her it sped up the dementia and she was gone within a week and a half. I think that we all respond to death differently and how you respond is just how you respond. I mean, I think that we all grieve and grieve in our own way. I was with my mother when she passed. My sister and I gave her morphine and kept a 58 hour vigil. Her passing was not peaceful. It was long and drawn out and painful for us all. My dad could not be in the room for more than 10 minutes at a time. I was angry, and mean to my siblings. I was freaked out and I did not feel like I cried very much and was in shock for over a month. They say that you really never get over losing a parent. You feel like there must be something that you could have done to save them. If you're a believer in Heavenly Father and Heaven like I am you just tell yourself that it was their time to go, but that doesn't really numb the pain. I find that it has helped me to talk about her, to talk to her even when I am thinking about her. I was haunted by her last breaths and by sitting with her still body afterward. But something weird happened. My sister wanted to dress her and ready her or her casket. It didn't concern me to actually do that but when I got to the funeral home and saw her she actually looked so much better than she had in her final moments. She was peaceful. I was glad that we could be there to fix her hair and makeup and put on her favorite dress so that when people saw her she would actually look very. much like she did in real life. I think when someone else readies the deceased they often end up looking nothing like they did in real life. How could they? The person readying them did not even know them! Anyway, there was something very comforting about knowing that I could care for her in that way. That being said, it was still a very difficult experience. Give yourself a break. Your mother knew how much she loved her. She would not want for you to feel bad, or want to follow her. She would want you to use the rest of your life remembering how much she loved you and she would want for you to be happy and at peace. I will pray for that for you. Annie HB Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members sandor_hound Posted January 30, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted January 30, 2021 23 hours ago, AnnieHB said: Hi Sandor, I lost my mom on December 6th. She was on hospice and they exposed her to Covid. She already had dementia but when the Covid hit her it sped up the dementia and she was gone within a week and a half. I think that we all respond to death differently and how you respond is just how you respond. I mean, I think that we all grieve and grieve in our own way. I was with my mother when she passed. My sister and I gave her morphine and kept a 58 hour vigil. Her passing was not peaceful. It was long and drawn out and painful for us all. My dad could not be in the room for more than 10 minutes at a time. I was angry, and mean to my siblings. I was freaked out and I did not feel like I cried very much and was in shock for over a month. They say that you really never get over losing a parent. You feel like there must be something that you could have done to save them. If you're a believer in Heavenly Father and Heaven like I am you just tell yourself that it was their time to go, but that doesn't really numb the pain. I find that it has helped me to talk about her, to talk to her even when I am thinking about her. I was haunted by her last breaths and by sitting with her still body afterward. But something weird happened. My sister wanted to dress her and ready her or her casket. It didn't concern me to actually do that but when I got to the funeral home and saw her she actually looked so much better than she had in her final moments. She was peaceful. I was glad that we could be there to fix her hair and makeup and put on her favorite dress so that when people saw her she would actually look very. much like she did in real life. I think when someone else readies the deceased they often end up looking nothing like they did in real life. How could they? The person readying them did not even know them! Anyway, there was something very comforting about knowing that I could care for her in that way. That being said, it was still a very difficult experience. Give yourself a break. Your mother knew how much she loved her. She would not want for you to feel bad, or want to follow her. She would want you to use the rest of your life remembering how much she loved you and she would want for you to be happy and at peace. I will pray for that for you. Annie HB Thank you, Annie. I'm sorry for your loss as well. But you've inadvertently bummed me out even more because I live almost 1000 miles away from my parents and I couldn't attend the funeral due to travel restrictions (plus my mother's reiterated wish to be entombed with no funeral guests whatsoever). Also, she was readied by strangers. So now I feel I've failed her to even less foregiveable degree. But still, it doesn't manifest in tears, just a generalized, dampened variety of remorse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Trikwuchi Posted January 30, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 30, 2021 On 29/01/2021 at 5:17 PM, sandor_hound said: Hello, my mother passed away 17 days ago due to cancer. Because of the pandemic she couldn't be treated properly in the Eastern European country she was a national of, was misdiagnosed and dismissed several times, which made me seethe with anger intermittently. Then apathy took over since when the doctors finally got their heads out of their rectum it was too late already. Leading up to her death, I always imagined the impossibility of going on with my life, hardly being able to get up in the morning and go to work. But when it came to pass it left me ... cold? No more tears. Whenever I contemplate pictures or videos - nothing. I've also stopped blaming myself for not having saved her (we consulted two oncotherapy clinics, to no avail) any more, which I used to do on a daily basis, calling myself an unworthy, useless son. Even the wish to follow her instantly has subsided for some reason, which makes me feel like a traitor. Will the flood gates open one day or am I effectively screwed up emotionally? Could I still be in a state of shock, is this a coping mechanism of my mind/body protecting me and keeping me functional throughout every-day life? Should I consider grief counseling anytime soon? Sandor, I'm so sorry for your loss. We all go through grief differently and there's no right or wrong. It may be shock and it could all hit you later. I think it's quite soon for bereavement counselling, but if you feel ready to talk to a counsellor now, then give it a go. I lost my dear mum 3 weeks ago. It is still so raw and painful. My heart hurts and I feel so sad when I realise she's gone and I'll never see her again. No words can describe how this feels. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BEQUET93 Posted February 1, 2021 Members Report Share Posted February 1, 2021 On 1/30/2021 at 3:39 PM, sandor_hound said: Thank you, Annie. I'm sorry for your loss as well. But you've inadvertently bummed me out even more because I live almost 1000 miles away from my parents and I couldn't attend the funeral due to travel restrictions (plus my mother's reiterated wish to be entombed with no funeral guests whatsoever). Also, she was readied by strangers. So now I feel I've failed her to even less foregiveable degree. But still, it doesn't manifest in tears, just a generalized, dampened variety of remorse. I do not believe that what you are feeling is inappropriate or shows that you are a traitor to your mother's memory or are failing her in any way. There is "instrumental grief", which is less emotionally expressive, and "intuitive grief", which is more so. You just might be an instrumental griever and there is nothing wrong that. Still, it might be best to take each day for what it brings you and be aware that your emotional experience might change suddenly. It has not yet been three weeks and the beginning of the process can be a very strange time. You have experienced a life-changing loss and I hope you will accept my condolences. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members sandor_hound Posted February 3, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted February 3, 2021 On 1/31/2021 at 12:38 AM, Trikwuchi said: Sandor, I'm so sorry for your loss. We all go through grief differently and there's no right or wrong. It may be shock and it could all hit you later. I think it's quite soon for bereavement counselling, but if you feel ready to talk to a counsellor now, then give it a go. I lost my dear mum 3 weeks ago. It is still so raw and painful. My heart hurts and I feel so sad when I realise she's gone and I'll never see her again. No words can describe how this feels. Trikwuchi, I'm sorry for your loss. Is it a constant burden to you and you find yourself reminded of quirky character traits of hers by the smallest things? Because I wish that were the case for me. Sometimes I try forcing the emotion, grief bubbles up briefly but subsides immediately. Thank you for your precious time and the support. On 1/31/2021 at 2:30 AM, Valerie Lockhart said: Dear Sandor_hound, I'm sorry for your loss. Each individual grieves in his or her own unique way. While acknowledging and expressing grief can have a healing effect, there is not one “right way” to grieve. The intensity of grief does not last forever; it eventually subsides. This is not to say that one fully “recovers” or forgets his or her loved one. However, little by little, sharp pangs of grief soften. They may resurface when certain memories arise unexpectedly or at certain times such as anniversaries. But eventually, most people come to a point of emotional balance and can focus once again on life’s daily activities. This is especially so when the bereaved person has the support of family members or friends and takes reasonable steps to cope. Talking about your feelings to “a true companion” who will listen patiently and sympathetically can bring a measure of relief. If you're not comfortable with talking to someone, try writing a letter to your mother. Pour out your heart in writing and say those things that you didn't get to say when she was alive. Whether by talking or writing, communicating your feelings can help you to release your grief. It can also help to clear up misunderstandings. And, don't forget the power of prayer. The Bible assures us: “Jehovah is near to those that are broken at heart; and those who are crushed in spirit he saves.” (Psalm 34:18) Yes, more than anything else, a relationship with God can help you to cope with the death of someone you love. Valerie, I appreciate the sentiment inherent to your words and cherish their bittersweet, poetic cruelty (pertaining to the inevitable softening of grief and emotional distancing from both the loss and the loved one themselves). Up until now I've found words to be insufficient and incapable of doing justice to my mother. But I'll explore new avenues to get to the bottom of all the numb confusion inside of me. On 2/1/2021 at 11:38 AM, BEQUET93 said: I do not believe that what you are feeling is inappropriate or shows that you are a traitor to your mother's memory or are failing her in any way. There is "instrumental grief", which is less emotionally expressive, and "intuitive grief", which is more so. You just might be an instrumental griever and there is nothing wrong that. Still, it might be best to take each day for what it brings you and be aware that your emotional experience might change suddenly. It has not yet been three weeks and the beginning of the process can be a very strange time. You have experienced a life-changing loss and I hope you will accept my condolences. BEQUET93, thank you for your analysis. Did you come up with that terminology by yourself / through personal experience? I wish to offer my belated condoleances to your mother's passing. Something I'd like to put out there for all of you and anyone who happens upon this thread of mine: Yesterday I dreamt of returning to my childhood home, which within the framework of that dream, seemed to be my mother's abode. I never got to reunite with her because I couldn't, for the life of me, find my face mask - which is a peculiar mash-up of timelines, biographical chunks and world events. What would be your off-the-cuff take on this 'narrative'? Am I not prepared to face her (and the full extent of my grief) yet? Or is there something I'm not seeing for the time being? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Trikwuchi Posted February 3, 2021 Members Report Share Posted February 3, 2021 Sandor, It doesn't feel like a burden, it just feels terribly sad right now. I'm spending a lot of time with my dad at their house, so it's a constant reminder of her. It doesn't feel the same being there without her. I continue feeling like she shouldn't have died. Covid took her and it's broken our family in pieces. She was a fantastic mum. She should still be here, but I can't get over the evil nature of this disease. On 29/01/2021 at 5:17 PM, sandor_hound said: Hello, my mother passed away 17 days ago due to cancer. Because of the pandemic she couldn't be treated properly in the Eastern European country she was a national of, was misdiagnosed and dismissed several times, which made me seethe with anger intermittently. Then apathy took over since when the doctors finally got their heads out of their rectum it was too late already. Leading up to her death, I always imagined the impossibility of going on with my life, hardly being able to get up in the morning and go to work. But when it came to pass it left me ... cold? No more tears. Whenever I contemplate pictures or videos - nothing. I've also stopped blaming myself for not having saved her (we consulted two oncotherapy clinics, to no avail) any more, which I used to do on a daily basis, calling myself an unworthy, useless son. Even the wish to follow her instantly has subsided for some reason, which makes me feel like a traitor. Will the flood gates open one day or am I effectively screwed up emotionally? Could I still be in a state of shock, is this a coping mechanism of my mind/body protecting me and keeping me functional throughout every-day life? Should I consider grief counseling anytime soon? Sandor, I'm so sorry for your loss. We all go through grief differently and there's no right or wrong. It may be shock and it could all hit you later. I think it's quite soon for bereavement counselling, but if you feel ready to talk to a counsellor now, then give it a go. I lost my dear mum 3 weeks ago. It is still so raw and painful. My heart hurts and I feel so sad when I realise she's gone and I'll never see her again. No words can describe how this feels. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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