Today...

[MissyLaLaLa]

So I was talking to my fiancee's cousin today and she was asking me if I had any videos of him. So I started looking all through my phone seeing if I had any videos. I found a video of my fiancee and our son... Now I'm crying and hyperventilating. I feel like any tiny steps forward I have made are all gone and I am at day one again. I wish I could understand  WHY.. I feel like I have been a good person who cared about people. So why am I being punished in this way? I just want to go back in time so I can hold him and never let go... God I miss him so much....

[Anaana]

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my angel. I don't know when I will be ready to look at his pictures or videos and not collapse. You did not deserve this, we did not deserve this. Be proud of what you accomplished until now. Try to keep moving forward and living, keep living until you have only healed scars. 

[KayC]

5 hours ago, MissyLaLaLa said:

I feel like I have been a good person who cared about people. So why am I being punished in this way?

I'm so sorry, I know this pain all too well, we never forget our early grief, it was the hardest thing in the world.  I asked WHY the first year and never got any resounding answers and finally quit asking, I guess there were no answers.  It's not anything any of us did wrong, life/death is just downright unfair, no ifs, ands, or buts about it!  Is it fair my friends, siblings still have their spouses and I'm left alone these last 15 1/2 years to grow old alone?  No.  I don't even look for answers anymore, just more what do I do now...getting through each day is enough to handle.  I can't focus on the whole "rest of my life" as it's too much, just get through today, I've been living that way all this time and will the rest of my life.  None of us have guarantees about anything so we just get through this the best we can.

I'm pretty sure I posted this for you, but maybe save it for when you're more ready...no particular order, something might help you today, something a year from now, maybe something else in five years, it's just things I've learned through the years.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[KevinM]

Quote

So I started looking all through my phone seeing if I had any videos. I found a video of my fiancee and our son... Now I'm crying and hyperventilating.

Someone I know that also lost his wife told me to expect "grief bombs" like this. I hit one last week. When cleaning up around the house I found a letter from my mother-in-law, Donna, to my son consoling him for the loss of his mother. Donna died a month after her daughter, so reading the letter was a double grief attack for me. I just closed the door to the room and cried.

This isn't all bad, though. Those tears need to be shed before I can pick myself back up again. Bottling it up just makes the whole awful thing last longer. At least that is what I have been told.

[Meloncholy]

So I started looking all through my phone seeing if I had any videos. I found a video of my fiancee and our son... Now I'm crying and hyperventilating.

Someone I know that also lost his wife told me to expect "grief bombs" like this. I hit one last week. When cleaning up around the house I found a letter from my mother-in-law, Donna, to my son consoling him for the loss of his mother. Donna died a month after her daughter, so reading the letter was a double grief attack for me. I just closed the door to the room and cried.
This isn't all bad, though. Those tears need to be shed before I can pick myself back up again. Bottling it up just makes the whole awful thing last longer. At least that is what I have been told.

Yes we are finally going to have our last family Christmas out here in the country and it has been a hard week. I have also been packing and finding cards and reading sweet memories and crying. However I have also realized what an amazing life and love I was blessed with for 23 years[emoji3590]


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[MissyLaLaLa]

Thank you everyone who replied to my post. I have just been feeling so alone. I am at the beginning stage where people are calling and texting me checking up on me, but I know after all the services are settled alot of them will disappear. People try to bring you up and make you feel  better, but they don't understand that this isn't something I will just "Get over". Mani was my everything for 16 years. Since I was 17 years old he has been all I Know and now he is gone. People keep telling me I have to stay strong, but it's easier said then done. Why do some people die young while others live until they're 90? I guess I will never know....

[Perro J]

I have a few videos and also some voice notes - and they stung for several views/listens.

Now I occasionally listen to them and they do mostly comfort me. Yes, I can still be brought to tears - but sometimes those now soothe me. Hang on to them.

I have copied them to separate disks and media to ensure I never lose them.

I hope your experience will be like mine. These recordings are priceless to me now.