My cat went missing and found him killed by street dogs, and now I feel so much guilt and sadness

[Beot]

On a Sunday my cat "Misi" went missing, an uncle unaware left the door open like at 7pm and I found out like 3 hours later when I went to look up for him at the usual places at home where he used to fall sleep to take him with me to bed, but he was not there, I climbed the roof to call him, went outside in the neighborhood calling him but nothing, I even wake up neighbors asking if they can look up for him in their houses but nothing, everyone telling me is cat he will find his way back home but in his 5 years with me he never went outside the house. I was worried, I left the upstairs door open just in case, one of the worst nights in my life, I couldn't sleep and the few times I did I dream about him only to wake up more sad, the next day I design the "Missing Pet" papers and went to put them in every light post nearby, and in the drug store, and continue to ask the other neighbors, the hardest part is that I had to travel to a business trip for one day, that make me lose a lot of hope for finding my cat, the next day when I came back, I still climb up the roof to call him but nothing, later I heard some cats fighting outside and ran out to see, but only find one street cat and it was not Misi, when I came inside grab my phone and found one missing call and some messages, one of my neighbors was trying to reach me, in their security cams a Black cat appeared, and I ran again to my neighbors house but the cat was gone and I see the recordings and it look more fat than my cat, and also seemed very calmed, So I thought this isn't him, he always act nervous when outside, like I said he always stayed inside the house (and this is one of the things that haunts me), the next day I went outside again to look for him I even found another black cat on a roof but wasn't him, when I received a call, was the drug store owner saying that a lady saw the "missing cat" poster and told him that she saw a dead cat on the sidewalk that looks like him, near the house of the neighbor that contacted me the night before, my heart turned ice cold, all the way saying "Please don't let be him, please don't let be him" when I reached the sidewalk, It was him, he was all beaten up, with wounds on his back, dog bites, I still didn't believe it was him, until I reached for his right ear, he had a little bump from a scar that he got when fighting another cat, an there was the little bump, just then my heart shatter into million pieces, I and started crying like kids do when they miss their air, for 3 days he was near the house and I didn't found him and it was too late when I did. And now I have all this feeling mixed up at the same time, I feel Joy and grateful for sharing my life with him, but feel sad because he is no longer here with me, but the the feeling that is killing me is guilt, to my head came all this thoughts of "What if just looked for him early that sunday", "What if I just left the front door opened", "I shouldn't  have had that trip", "What if I just spend a little more time looking for that cat that didn't look like mine (but I guess it actually was mine)", "I shouldn't have fall sleep that night"... all this thoughts haunt me, and I have this feeling that I failed him, that I didn't try hard enough, that his dead was traumatic and I wasn't there to help him, that I'm a terrible person. And I miss him a lot.

[KayC]

I am so sorry, I have been there, unfortunately, only my Missy Mocha was never found.  I am certain, where I live, that a cougar got her.  She was the sweetest heart of them all, even had a black heart shape nose.  

I am so sorry for your pain, I love this picture of the two of you.  Try to keep those thoughts of the good life you gave her, the love she had.  The one moment does not signify your relationship, we all come to death that does not make you horrible, it makes your situation horrible.  

We all go through the what-ifs in early grief, as a way of trying to find some different possible outcome than the one that happened because this one is too hard for us to absorb, but there is only one reality and that's the one that happened, it takes much time to process it.  I lost my husband 15 1/2 years ago, suddenly, unexpectedly, way too young, and I went through all the what-ifs too, and also with my animals that have passed.  Death is very hard for us to process, it's traumatic to our brains.

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

[Beot]

@KayC 

Thank you very much for answering, means a lot to me, I'm sorry to hear about your husband and your Cat, but your words helped me, I can't say that I'm fine now, but they surely help.

That makes a lot of sense about guilt, is like trying to escape reality because it's to awful, and our brains are trying to confort us in a bizarre way.

Also the links helped me a lot and the video about the rainbow bridge made me cry like a kid.

Again thank you very much for answering, I reached for help online because people around me only tell me: "Get over it", "Get another one", "Is just a cat". But finding people that have gone trough similar stories is comforting. and makes me feel that I'm not the only one dealing with things like this.

Right now I'm writing a letter to my cat, I guess is helping.

Thank you KayC
Much love

[Gary55]

I'm really sorry to read this. Such a traumatic experience to go through. The guilt is something that seems to go with our loss, we try to think of anything we could or should have done. I lost my boy Goldie 7 weeks ago and I've been thinking about anything and everything I could have done, not just at the end but throughout all the time I had him. You were great to him though his life and he knew that. The links KayC sent are good and I'm glad they have helped. 

[Beot]

I'm sorry to hear about Goldie, I'm really amazed and scared at the same time the paths my mind takes, even thinking about time travel (that's just so dumb) but like KayC says I'm trying to avoid or fix this reality because I don't like it, and it's hard to see his stuff and no one using them or remembering the things he used to do all his daily rituals... It's hard to accept that he is no longer here. 

Thanks for answering @Gary55@Gary55, means a lot to me.

[KayC]

I know it's hard and painful, the hardest thing in the world coming home to an empty quiet house, their presence absent is so palpable.  The habits/rituals we had together are huge triggers.  I used to get up at 4 am and cook for Arlie, it'd take about an hour, he had acute chronic colitis all his life.  I missed doing that.  We walked twice a day, every day, ice, snow, heat, no matter what, and I missed him there with me.  He had certain places he laid around the house, it didn't look right seeing them empty.  He had a recliner by the window and also a loveseat which he'd take up the whole thing, he was so big, I miss seeing his beautiful eyes and smile, looking out the window.  Putting up a Christmas tree was so hard, he loved laying on his bed behind the loveseat and staring at the lights and ornament, he didn't even mind giving up his loveseat for the tree for a month.  I buried him with his first stuffed toy, a duck.  I removed his collar and hung it by the door.  His coat hangs on a chair, where I go by and hold it, a reminder of my boy.  

These memories continue to haunt us, long after they're gone.  The emotions are hard to describe, bittersweet as we remember the good memories of the most wonderful animal in the world...and also miss them, more than anything in the world.  The pain lessens in time, but it's so gradual as to hardly notice, and it takes more than than I can say to adjust.  But then I've lost 24 dogs and cats in my adult life and this was the hardest to get through.  I was so tempted to dig up his grave to get one more look at his sweet face, I'm glad I didn't (it was about two weeks after we buried him), I know it would not have been like the day he was buried.  It's just so hard.

I wish there was something we could say to help you but I know this is a battle each of us fights on our own.  Just know I am sending my prayers and thoughts for comfort and peace your way.

[Gary55]

@Beotthank you. I'm not keen on my new life without him at all. All the thoughts, I've not really got anywhere near the good memories, which I know there obviously are however. This forum has been amazing, there is always someone  hereto talk to. 

[Beot]

@KayC I really appreciate the prayers and thoughts, I know are reaching my heart to bring me peace, like you said the bittersweet memories are wonderful and sad at the same time, I took him to the pet crematory and had many but so many doubts doing it, but was the right choice. But from the bottom of my heart I want to thank you, for sharing your stories and your pain with me, It's weird but makes all of this more real, not this random event that feels like I'm the only one going trough. Also you @Gary55 thanks for listening and sharing with me, I hope we all find our peace and remember our loved ones with joy. One thing that I learned is only the ones who made a meaningful connection with another living being go through this. So we are here in some way sharing that connection that one day we made.

So of my grief you came to my life and helped expecting nothing in return and for that I'm thankful for it. And I bet you is because we had amazing teachers that taught us about empathy and compassion.

[KayC]

They were our teachers and companions.  

[AJWCat]

Hello @Beot I am so sorry to read your story, my heart breaks for you on every level. I lost my cat in a tragic way (not like this but I understand the shock). 

So you have the loss as well as how it happened. I very much understand what you're going through.  

[Beot]

@KayC Yes they where, I miss him so much...

@AJWCat Thank you for your words, like you said the shock haunts me and I can't get out of my head the image of his little body there in the sidewalk, makes feel so angry, sad and frustrated and my room feels so empty with out him.

[KayC]

You might try a pet grief counselor and ask them about EFT or EMDR to help with the haunting memories...it can be very traumatic to see images like that.  It was hard enough for me to watch my Arlie's botched Euthanasia because they under anesthetized him, causing him tremendous pain at the end.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/03/using-emotional-freedom-techniques-eft.html
https://www.healthjourneys.com/blog/ask-belleruth/have-you-heard-of-emotional-freedom-technique-eft.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-using-eye-movement.html

[Beot]

Thank you for all you support, sadly the tragedy wasn't over yet, yesterday my sister found her beloved "Picket" a 4yrs old cat also killed by dogs and this hurt me so much, bringing back the one week before memories, She ask me for help to pick him up, again all beaten up and hurt, and taking him to where I left my cat a week before, is not fair, here in my city are a problem with street dogs, and I really don't blame them they are just being dogs but the people who get them and just leave them in the street, makes me angry, and here there's almost any to none pet regulations. I'm really angry and sad for all of this.

[KayC]

Beot, I don't blame you for being angry, you have every right to be!  I'm so sorry your sister is going through this also, it's awful.  I know Jackson (My Cat from Hell) recommends indoor cats but it's hard when you adopt an older cat who is USED to being outside!  They can be unrelenting at their demands to be let out.  I let mine come/go daytime but never night.  Even so I've lost two to cougars over the years.  Here we have animal regulations and they require licensing & shots but we have wild animals living on the edge of forest & creek.  You would not expect that in the city.

[Anna J]

I am so so sorry for your and your sister' s losses.I have recently lost my cat in an unexpected and traumatic manner( that by no means can be compared to the way your friend is gone) so I know how you feel.Please try not to beat yourself up for not doing enough or/ and for making certain decisions,ifs and if nots,couldas and shouldas.Forgive yourself.Your cat wouldn't like to see you sad and crying your eyes out.Your Misi would like  you to heal and feel better. I am in the process of early grieving too and it seems to be a little bit easier every day.Horrible moments still come and will be coming.There is definitely a sense of emptiness and sadness around the house.But there is also recovering .So, hopefully it will be with you.Misi was loved and she knew it.That love you gave her is and was the most important thing.Cherish all the good memories,be strong and when you recover find place in your heart for another cat.They will never replace Misi but will bring lots of joy and happiness.I am sending my regards and big hugs to you and your sister.