Sudden death

[Anaana]

My partner of 5 years and the love of my life passed yesterday in my hands. It was his heart. He was 30. I tried to save him, I keep thinking I did everything wrong and it's my fault that he died, when the ambulance came he was already passed. I still have vivid images and sounds of the events I cannot get off my head. I cannot think how I am supposed to live with this and be healthy. I have been a cancer patient in the past and I am afraid I will die too. He was my support, my everything. I think I cannot bear this. How am I supposed to cope? 

[jmmosley53]

Hello Anaana,

I am sorry for your loss however I am glad you came to this site.

I am sure you did the best you knew how to do caring for your love while waiting for the ambulance.  You could not have done more, his death is not your fault. 

The images and sounds that are etched into your memory must be very painful.  For today, try not to dwell on them.  Focus all your energy on breathing, make sure you get some nutrients and rest.  Everything else can wait.

I too have been a cancer patient.  We know that guarding your health is paramount. 

Do not even try to think about the future.  You are in shock.  You will be in shock for awhile so this is not the time to plan your future.  

If you have a friend or relative you trust do not be afraid to lean on them right now.  For today just BE. 

Again, I am very sorry you have had this terrible loss, this site has helped me a great deal and I hope it helps you as well.

[Anaana]

Thank you so much for your words it means a lot to me, my friends and relatives are close to me but I have the feeling that noone understands and noone can help. I'm on the way to his parents now I feel like I need to see them very much. I will hang around with you guys too

[KayC]

Anaana, I am so sorry.  It is in hearing of young people dying that is the hardest to me.  I felt severely gypped when my George suddenly died, way too young, we had our whole lives before us!  We only got to know each other 6 1/2 years, be married 3 years 8 months.  But at least we got that, at least we had that wonderful reciprocal all encompassing love of our soul mate.  Some never do even if married for 50 years.  We were lucky.  It didn't seem very lucky when he died though.  It was a shock, the end of my world as I knew it.  I didn't know how to go on, how to make it through this.  That was 15 1/2 years ago.  I've done it one day at a time, I do still.  

My relatives also did not understand, they still have their partners today, except one sister who recently lost her husband of 50 years.  One year or 50, loss is loss, and it hits us hard, the adjusting, the learning how to do it, nothing harder.  At least I can be there for her, to listen and understand.  To know what stupid thing NOT to say.  To know how to encourage her in her day.  I hate that she's having to go through this now.  She always thought she'd go first.

You are young, it seems damned unfair.    I am glad you found us here, there are a lot of people that "get it" here and I hope you will feel comfortable to come here and express yourself, cry, scream, just "be" but we will be here for you as you do.

 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[SDC]

I'm so sorry about the sudden death of your love. You're in shock and your brain is overwhelmed by the trauma you experienced. As someone else wrote, don't expect anything of yourself other than being right now. You did all you could during his medical emergency and there is nothing you could have done to prevent it or save him. But thinking you could have done something differently and saved him is a normal thought--I bet everyone on this site did/does the same. It's a weird way our brains try to make sense of what happened--it's too hard to accept the randomness of our loved one's death so we create false scenarios where we could have controlled the outcome "if only." 

Focus on basics--drink water, eat something healthy, say no to people who want something from you that you can't give. Be very careful driving. It is incredibly difficult to focus when processing death, especially a sudden one. Read posts here to validate that your emotions and thoughts are normal. Doing so helped me stop thinking I was legit going crazy. 

[Diane R. E.]

Hello Anaana; I am so very sorry for your loss. You are right, no one really understands unless they have faced this loss of a loving, supportive partner. This forum has been of tremendous help to me, so please visit often. And yes, I was overwhelmed with guilt for quite a long time. Please know that you did the very best you could do at that time, which I had to learn was true of me, too. I can't say the twinges of guilt have completely gone away, but in time have realized that at that time, it was out of my hands. I wish you a small measure of comfort.

[rte148]

That you are here, sharing, means you are taking the first steps towards understanding what you are truly going through.  Huge step, never lose sight of that.  It's ok to want to feel better.

[Anaana]

I am getting out of shock very slowly and coming to the realisation. Its extremely hard, I feel like my insides are ripped off my body. Being with his family kind of helps, because I know they feel the same pain, but I'm not sure if suppressing it and not thinking about it within the day, is doing me any good. I am devastated. I think when I push the thoughts away, they come back harder next time. I am starting to get emotional with things In the house now and stuff that remind me of him, I'm not ready to deal with those though. I don't know if it's a good idea to start working again next week, I am thinking too much of the future while I shouldn't. I still feel guilt and that I may be responsible, I express those feelings because I can't keep them inside, and everyone tells me that this is not true but my brain won't listen. 

[rte148]

I was literally run over by a tractor trailer.  Losing my wife hurt worse, physically.

Your pain is your's alone, you are entitled to it without having to measure it to other's suffering or justifying it.  It is as real as the ground beneath your feet and we all grieve differently, at our own pace.

But by seeking recognition of your loss, is so, so important towards your eventual healing.  Heck yeh, you're gonna have a scar, but I promise, promise, promise this.  One day, probably not tomorrow, but one day, you will feel less worse. 

And it's ok to feel less worse.  It will be ok to laugh or find pleasure again.

 

[edit]  I'm still trying to get the guts to post of my loss.  Anaana, you're stronger than me for sharing and I'm a tough old SOB.

[Dawn Wms]

Annana,

I am so sorry for you!  I relate to your situation, as my husband's passing was also sudden and unexpected.  I was also with him and thought I was doing the right thing by giving him an aspirin because it appeared to me like a stroke.  He was taken by ambulance to the hospital and I was upset but sure he would be fine.  He was not.  HIs death shocked everyone who knew him.  It has been nine months and it still shocks me everyday.  I also feel guilty that I couldn't save him or that I didn't do the right thing.  And everyday I ask the question, How can I do this?  I have no answers, but I do feel for what you are experiencing and my heart goes out to you.

[Sparky1]

25 minutes ago, Dawn Wms said:

And everyday I ask the question, How can I do this? 

Anaana, I'm sorry for your loss. Losing my wife has devastated me. Like Dawn says, how can I do this? I keep saying that I can't do this, it's too hard and overwhelming. Going to work, taking care of the house as I am alone, cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. My wife had a physical disability but she tried the best she could to help out. I fight on and hope for the best, that's all we can really do.

[KayC]

On 1/28/2021 at 7:03 AM, SDC said:

Focus on basics--drink water, eat something healthy, say no to people who want something from you that you can't give. Be very careful driving. It is incredibly difficult to focus when processing death, especially a sudden one. Read posts here to validate that your emotions and thoughts are normal. Doing so helped me stop thinking I was legit going crazy. 

I wish II could frame this!

Diane, I know how hard those birthdays can be without them.  (((hugs)))