What just happened?

[Steveo55]

Hello 

im 35 my wife was 36. She was one of the healthiest people you would ever meet. The type that would only order one Taco at a place and not even eat the Tortilla. She stayed away from greasy foods I mean she even hated chocolate. 2 weeks ago she developed a stomach ache. She went to the Doctors and they said it was something she ate. They said it was an infection so they gave her antibiotics. The fevers hit the pain got worse. She goes to doctors again they says its the same thing so the give her IV and different antibiotics. 2 days later in the middle of the night she wakes me up saying she can’t take the pain any more so we rush to the hospital (this is on a Monday) She is there for few days they are doing all sorts of tests her condition gets worse she starts just sleeping and is totally out of it. Doctor calls me on Friday and tells me that she might not make it because they found Tcells in her blood and multiple organs are shutting down Hold on what? They do a liver biopsy and tell me I have to wait for an Oncologist to get back results. I finally get a call on Tuesday telling me the worst news ever. My beautiful wife has stage 4 Tcell lymphoma and there is sadly nothing they can do. My wife’s pain gets worse. The next day at 11:20 my wife passes away. So my life is now changed forever. We have 2 kids. How does this even happen? How can someone get so sick so fast and die? 

[Devastated Husband]

Hi Steveo055, I'm truly sorry for your loss. I lost my wife just over 7 weeks ago and she went in her sleep at home, no warning at all and she was only 36. I'm sure your brain is going a million miles an hour with the pit of your stomach aching. The only way i've made it this far is to take each hour at a time, don't rush in to anything. Keep your family and friends close and lean on them, you'll need all the help you can get. No words can ever help in times like this so the main thing is you take care of yourself so you can take care of your kids. Stay strong. 

[Perro J]

Hello Steveo55,

My sincere condolences. My fiancee was also someone who "did everything right" and yet I still lost her to stomach cancer. She was 46. I have no explanation for you. It remains a mystery to me and I doubt an answer is forthcoming. Even if I could have counsel with God directly, I don't think there is an answer that could ever be acceptable to me. She was a better person than me and if there were some way I could trade places with her and let her be the one to live, I would.

You have now been thrust into a life that you would not have chosen and I hope you understand that I mean it in the kindest way that I wish you weren't joining us here.

"Why?" is perhaps the most difficult question we face, in my opinion. Again, I don't think we'll get an answer. The most encouraging thing I can offer in this moment is simply this: Even though they have passed away, we don't stop loving them. We get to continue loving them and hopefully we will be reunited with them again in the future.

I know that is not enough for you in this moment. May you find solace.

[KayC]

Steve, I am so sorry, it's unreal to me that that can happen, and yet it does, every day.  You're younger than my kids.  I didn't even meet my husband until our mid 40s and he died all too soon, barely 51, we never dreamed it'd end so soon, that was not the plan!  Now I'm growing old alone.  It's hard to comprehend, it was so sudden, so premature.  Life sure isn't fair.  I imagine you'll have all kinds of emotions running the gamut, including anger, let yourself feel them, cry, scream, vent, they're all valid.  I'm glad you found this place, it helps to have somewhere where people "get it" as young friends can't possibly unless they've been through it..  All my siblings still have their spouses except one that just died, and it's been 15 1/2 years for me...most of my siblings are much older than me.  They were married 50 years, I feel gypped but it is what it is.  I am happy for them even while wishing we could have had longer than the 3 years 8 months we got to be married.  We only knew each other 6 1/2 years.  You're likely still in shock and disbelief...

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[SDC]

I'm incredibly sorry for your loss Steveo55. It's impossible to understand how and why someone young dies so quickly. It is too much to process. It sounds trite, but just get by hour by hour now. You're in shock, your mind is racing, and you suddenly have an unwanted long to-do list. You'll surprise yourself and do all that you need to do to take care of the tasks related to your wife's death. I lost my healthy spouse (56) after an accident last April--I had 8 days to process the severity of his brain injury before removing his life support. It's a trauma to lose someone unexpectedly. Be sure to drink water, eat something healthy at least once a day, and be very careful driving (it's hard to focus behind the wheel in fresh grief and you don't need a car accident). Coming to this site helps. it doesn't diminish or take away pain, but it's a reminder that loss--even sudden loss--is universal and it helps to know to get validation that how you feel is normal. I thought I was going mad in the early days of grief and readings posts at least stopped me from questioning my sanity. 

 

[jmmosley53]

Hello Steveo55,

What an incredible heart break you have just experienced.  I am very sorry.

I am sure your mind screams word like NO or WHY.  There is no answer, it just is.

I imagine that the stress of losing your beloved and caring for your children is over whelming.  It is so normal to rage and cry until you are sick right now.  If you are able, try to stay focused on seeing to your and your children's health.  Breath, eat, rest.  Those are large goals right now.  Allow your relatives and friends to help you care for your well being.

I have found that this site gives me a platform for my vents and it is also reassuring to know that  the people here understand.  

 

[luckystarhongkong]

On 1/27/2021 at 8:33 PM, Perro J said:

Hello Steveo55,

My sincere condolences. My fiancee was also someone who "did everything right" and yet I still lost her to stomach cancer. She was 46. I have no explanation for you. It remains a mystery to me and I doubt an answer is forthcoming. Even if I could have counsel with God directly, I don't think there is an answer that could ever be acceptable to me. She was a better person than me and if there were some way I could trade places with her and let her be the one to live, I would.

You have now been thrust into a life that you would not have chosen and I hope you understand that I mean it in the kindest way that I wish you weren't joining us here.

"Why?" is perhaps the most difficult question we face, in my opinion. Again, I don't think we'll get an answer. The most encouraging thing I can offer in this moment is simply this: Even though they have passed away, we don't stop loving them. We get to continue loving them and hopefully we will be reunited with them again in the future.

I know that is not enough for you in this moment. May you find solace.

 

On 1/27/2021 at 8:33 PM, Perro J said:

My fiancee was also someone who "did everything right" and yet I still lost her to stomach cancer. She was 46. I have no explanation for you. It remains a mystery to me and I doubt an answer is forthcoming. Even if I could have counsel with God directly, I don't think there is an answer that could ever be acceptable to me. She was a better person than me and if there were some way I could trade places with her and let her be the one to live, I would.

My wife passed suddenly when she was recovering well from sepsis. She was discharge from ITU. I walked with her everyday, training her up for better muscle strength. She was so wasted after 1 month in hospital. She was doing well, improving quickly. She worked hard and didn't want to be a burden to me. We were looking forward to some simple peaceful days ahead. Then suddenly she passed away because of another illness. I am still in shock. That is hard. How am I suppose to live without the love of my first love for 32 years, my soul mate, my best friends? 

[KayC]

We all wonder that, it takes time to process and figure it out, you will, little by little.  It's the hardest thing I've ever been called upon to do.