Lost my soulmate

[ShellyNeff]

Two weeks ago I lost my fiance. It was Tuesday morning, he was going to run to the store to get some heartburn medicine, he kissed me, said he would be right back, we said our I love yous he walked out the door and I didn't see him alive again. He was at the store when he collapsed, they said it was cardiac arrest and he was gone before he went down. He was 10 days away from turning 52. We were together 24/7 for over a year and I am completely lost and alone and the pain is so unbearable. I don't know how I'm supposed to go on without him. He was my finally forever, he was my person, my once in a lifetime love. Everyone is saying it will get better, but it's not, I'm missing him more as each day goes by, I can't see going on months or years with this pain and loneliness, I just want to be with him.

[Gail 8588]

ShellyNeff, 

I am so sorry for your loss.  You are so early in this grief process when grief is so raw and painful. Don't try to imagine growing old without him.  Just focus on getting through today. 

Wanting to die  is a very common response to grief.  I think our brains struggle to fine a way to fix this tragedy. 'We were happy together and since our loves can't come back to be with us, it makes sense for us to join them and be happy again.'

  Of course that is a fairy tale. Our minds will figure that out in a bit. It takes time. 

In the mean time, be kind to yourself.  This is a difficult, heartbreaking, painful journey you are embarking upon.  I wish you didn't have reason to be here.  None of us wants to be on this journey. We wish we could have our old lives back.  But at least we are not alone. 

Hugs

Gail

 

[Dawn Wms]

I am so sorry.  I am in the same situation.  I don't know what to do.  How to go on.  I wish I could offer you something, but the truth is, this is simply the worst thing and there are no answers. Just know that others are going through the same.  It doesn't help, but it is something.

[Perro J]

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my love back in July 2020.

You will grieve on your own timeline and I don't think there is much value in comparing yourself to others in that regard but please know that I was unable to go a day without crying for more than three months. It may be similar for you. The easing of the hurt was not a linear progression to better. It was some days manageable, then back to some days terrible, then some days manageable, up and down, forward and back. It comes in waves.

This is not an easy path to walk. Try to keep your perspective to no more than getting through the day. This will eventually ease up some. At two weeks it simply hurts.

I wish you solace.

 

[KayC]

14 hours ago, ShellyNeff said:

Two weeks ago I lost my fiance. It was Tuesday morning, he was going to run to the store to get some heartburn medicine, he kissed me, said he would be right back, we said our I love yous he walked out the door and I didn't see him alive again. He was at the store when he collapsed, they said it was cardiac arrest and he was gone before he went down. He was 10 days away from turning 52. We were together 24/7 for over a year and I am completely lost and alone and the pain is so unbearable. I don't know how I'm supposed to go on without him. He was my finally forever, he was my person, my once in a lifetime love. Everyone is saying it will get better, but it's not, I'm missing him more as each day goes by, I can't see going on months or years with this pain and loneliness, I just want to be with him.

My husband just had his 51st birthday when he died of a heart attack, he made it to the hospital but the third day I saw him having one again and ran for help, they threw me off the ward and locked the door behind me, I never saw him alive again.  I am so sorry this ever happens to anyone.  He was my soul mate and best friend.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[ScotJ65]

ShellyNeff, 

I lost my partner to Huntingdon's only last November. We were together for 6 years, inseparable, she was my world and her passing has left me practically inconsolable. I'm really struggling with life in ways that I never could never have imagined. Turn the clock back 1 year and we were talking, laughing and cuddling. Now she's gone, and I'm totally devastated. But I firmly believe that we are all destined for greater things, and that one day we'll be reunited with those we have lost. Keep going, and find strength in whatever ways you can.

[Diane R. E.]

I can certainly identify with this. I got out of my car this afternoon to go into the grocery store, and for some reason I stopped because it hit me that I never, never would have believed my life would be this way. 

 

1 hour ago, ScotJ65 said:

But I firmly believe that we are all destined for greater things, and that one day we'll be reunited with those we have lost

 

I believe this too; thank you for being an inspiration. 

[KayC]

@ScotJ65 That's all the longer we had too, but once we met, we knew the other as our best friend and soul mate.  We were always together when not at work.

I believe as you do.