Pain

[Carolyn h]

Sometimes I just don't know what to do with the pain. Hard to be patient but I suppose that's a big part of it. I lost my partner in love of my life about two weeks ago. I just need to be okay. 

[Yoli]

Time, is all I can say. At 8 months in I can say the days are not as painful as they were in the first days, weeks, months. There is still plenty of pain and tears though. At two weeks I was still in shock as I suspect you probably are too. At two weeks I couldn't see myself as far ahead as 8 months but here I am. At two weeks all I could manage was to show up for each new day. Keep showing up.

[steveb]

56 minutes ago, Yoli said:

At two weeks all I could manage was to show up for each new day. Keep showing up.

Very well said Yoli. 
 

Carolyn h, you will get through this initial onslaught of intense pain and suffering.  It’s been almost 6 months for me.  Most anything can trigger me to cry, but that’s ok.  Take things as they come. Go through this period at your own pace. God bless ... Steve 

[Perro J]

I am sorry to hear of your loss. My experience has been that I cried every single day for more than three months. It took that long until I had a day without crying. Some of those days were howling, terrible cries. Other days were trembling whimpers. The intensity varies. It comes in waves. Sometimes suddenly, triggered by something you did not expect. Other moments you feel it building up.

I totally get the "I want to be OK" sentiment. I feel it too. I also wanted to go back - to before - when I was happy. I also felt angry about the loss, cursing God, trying to bargain for the return of my love. Those are feelings I would expect you to have right now and I would even say you should have them.

I'm at 6 months plus now. It still hurts. I am still sad. I have been able to smile at some things and even recently had an actual, not faked, laugh. Being OK is still out there somewhere past the horizon. I can't say if I will ever make it there again - but I do know that the pain I feel now is less than what I was feeling in the first few weeks. It will not be as bad as it is now for you in the future. I know how much I hated it when people would tell me "Oh, you're just starting out..." and how discouraging it felt. I came here for a cure. Why are you telling me I have to wait? If you can endure it, in a while, and I don't know exactly how long it will take because it is different for everybody, you will one day look over your shoulder and see that it is so.

I hope you find solace.

 

[Carolyn h]

Thank you. Thank you so much for your words. It's been very hard to reach out. It wasn't even sure what I was looking for but I definitely appreciate you. Thank you. 

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Carolyn h said:

Sometimes I just don't know what to do with the pain. Hard to be patient but I suppose that's a big part of it. I lost my partner in love of my life about two weeks ago. I just need to be okay. 

@Carolyn h I am so sorry, none of us would wish this on anyone, it's the hardest thing we've been through.  It will take time to process this to the point where you'll feel "okay."  And during this pandemic all the harder to build a life for yourself when we're isolated so much.  I thank God for platforms such as this to help us know we're not alone in our feelings.  I hope you'll continue to come here and read/post.  It was a site such as this one that literally saved me when I lost my husband suddenly, unexpectedly and all too young 15 1/2 years ago.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Diane R. E.]

Yes; in time we will learn how to move forward, but I will never be ok with the loss of my husband. As others having said, we will adapt to this new life. and will be "ok" physically and mentally, even if it's hard to see right now.

[Carolyn h]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

@Carolyn h I am so sorry, none of us would wish this on anyone, it's the hardest thing we've been through.  It will take time to process this to the point where you'll feel "okay."  And during this pandemic all the harder to build a life for yourself when we're isolated so much.  I thank God for platforms such as this to help us know we're not alone in our feelings.  I hope you'll continue to come here and read/post.  It was a site such as this one that literally saved me when I lost my husband suddenly, unexpectedly and all too young 15 1/2 years ago.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

Thank you so much for sharing that with me. Getting on the site alone was extremely hard for me. I just didn't know what else to do except for just trying to throw it out there. Gotten a lot of really good reads. I am so appreciative. you're so right. It's not the grief that binds us it's the love we had. Going to try and hold on to that one and your other words as well. 

[Yoli]

In addition to dealing with my own pain, it is so heart wrenching to see more and more people joining this forum and joining the rest of us on this most appalling of journeys.

[steveb]

You are so right Yoli.  This forum has helped me tremendously in dealing with my pain. I can’t thank everyone enough for sharing their stories, providing advice and comfort, etc.  this site is a refuge for me.

[KayC]

@Carolyn h  By the way, my first name was Carolyn but my family called me Kay so I had the names turned around legally, hence the KayC. 

I think it helps to just "throw it all out there,"  here we understand the pure raw stuff, as we've all dealt with or are dealing with it.  Grief is my constant companion, not necessarily bad, just different, I'm forever changed and carry it inside of me...we were innocent before but now there is a knowing we are forever aware of.  Hard to explain to someone who hasn't been through it.  Here we "get it."  (((hugs)))

[foreverhis]

22 hours ago, KayC said:

It was a site such as this one that literally saved me when I lost my husband suddenly, unexpectedly and all too young 15 1/2 years ago.

With one change, the same is true for me.  That change is that it was this site specifically.  I found it while floundering around at about 6 months, lost and starting to feel like no one understood and not knowing what to do.  Even the people who love us/me most were all too aware that they couldn't fully understand. 

One night I was so angry about people making comparisons (like "I know how you feel. I lost my uncle/dog/mother/friend.") that I couldn't handle it.  I started a search for something like "grief comparisons and anger."  I checked out a few, but this site really spoke to me.  So I joined and created my first thread.  Then I wondered, "Will anyone even respond?"  Several members did and in such a way that I didn't feel stupid or judged.

Over time, everyone here helped me so much.  If I needed to vent, I did.  If I needed to question, rant, or even "scream" in the middle of the night, I did. Understanding that we are unique in our grief and in our journey, but that we are walking the same road together almost literally saved my life.  It was a grace in my life and still is.

On 1/25/2021 at 4:39 PM, Carolyn h said:

Sometimes I just don't know what to do with the pain. Hard to be patient but I suppose that's a big part of it. I lost my partner in love of my life about two weeks ago. I just need to be okay. 

As other members have mentioned, 2 weeks is but a small breath, a moment, on what will be a long, difficult journey.  I do not say this to discourage, but to encourage, to let you know that what you are feeling, thinking, and experiencing now is to be expected.  At 2-1/2 years, I look back and sometimes wonder how I made it this far.  I wasn't sure I'd even make it through the first month.  Yet, here I am, still breathing, still working on moving forward (not moving on) taking my love, our life and memories, with me.

What I'm trying to say is that our grief does not stay the same.  Over time--and lots of it--it evolves as we learn ways to cope better, as we begin to see small bits of light and hope, and as we figure out how to grasp them.  It's a long road with twists and turns and unexpected hills to climb, but I am no longer walking alone.  When I need a "hand," I can come here and know that others will help lift me up so that I don't fall into the dark pit forever.  Let us help you too.  Read, post, and don't hold back.  This is the one place where I know my voice is heard and understood.

I miss my husband every minute of every day.  I always will.  But now that missing, the pain of losing him in the here and now, is part of my life, instead of the all encompassing, crushing weight it was in the first year or so.  It's not an easy journey, to be sure, and it's not for the faint of heart.  They (whoever "they" are) say that the deeper the love and stronger the connection, the deeper and stronger the pain of loss.  It's the risk we take when we give ourselves fully in love and life.  Many people never find that.  And I don't regret for one minute that he and I found each other and that we jumped in together, heart and soul.  I will bear the grief because we had and have our love.

I am so very sorry you find yourself here with us, but you have found a good place to be.  ((HUGS))

[Sparky1]

On 1/25/2021 at 7:39 PM, Carolyn h said:

Sometimes I just don't know what to do with the pain. Hard to be patient but I suppose that's a big part of it. I lost my partner in love of my life about two weeks ago. I just need to be okay. 

I am also sorry for your loss. For me it's a daily struggle to cope with my wife's passing. Like some have said, the grief comes in waves and the last week or so has been pretty rough for me. I look at it that I have no choice but to struggle on, and just let the grief take it's own course, whether it's good or whether it's rough some days. I think about my wife every minute of the day, sometimes some of those thoughts break me down and I don't mind because yes, it does hurt. This is a great place here, with a lot of good people that have helped me out emotionally, and I'm sure we will all help you out as well. Hugs to you.

[kay TX]

I am just in so much pain this evening.  6 months now, I cry everyday.  Crying all the way in the car back home.  I hate to say it, but what's the purpose of living this way? 

[KayC]

6 hours ago, kay TX said:

I hate to say it, but what's the purpose of living this way? 

Getting through it...until the day comes you do have something to live for.  Right now it's horrible and you can't see anything good, try to hang in there long enough tto get a glimmer of hope of anything better.  Grief evolves, yes it takes a long time to get there, but I think back to how I felt when George died, had I thrown in the towel then, I never would have met my grandchildren or the puppy I have now, I never would have known Arlie, my last dog, or Kitty, Miss Mocha, or Chappy.  As you can tell, animals have brought me much comfort.  It's been 15 1/2 years for me.  In that time I've learned so much, gotten to know myself better, have more confidence.  Would I throw it all in to have George back?  Who of us wouldn't, but that's not an option availed to me.  I am glad I'm alive and for the gift of each day, I only wish he was here to share in it with me.

[foreverhis]

19 hours ago, kay TX said:

I am just in so much pain this evening.  6 months now, I cry everyday.  Crying all the way in the car back home.  I hate to say it, but what's the purpose of living this way? 

I can't say I know how you feel because we're each different, but I can say I know how hard the 5-6 month mark is.  That's one of the things that pushed me to search for help.  I'm not comfortable with in-person group therapy so this seemed like a really good option.  It definitely is.

For whatever reason, that 5-6 month mark seems to almost universally push us backward from any small progress forward that we've made.  We can make all kinds of guesses about why, but I think it's combination.  The initial shock of losing our soulmates has progressed to, "How am I supposed to do this alone?"  The people in our lives have gone back to their own lives.  Even though they love us and are often grieving too, it's not the same because their worlds spin on, many go home each night to their own loves, while we're floating, adrift and alone.  The bulk of the legal work is usually finished.  And there we are with nothing to distract us from the overwhelming, crushing reality that our lives and hearts have shattered and we have no idea how to or even if we can build a new life out of the remnants of the one we lost.  It's a time we start to accept what happened.  By that I mean only that we accept our altered lives, not that it's fair, right, or just because losing our one essential love will never be.

I spent a good part of the first year or so wondering why I should go on living, what purpose did my life have now, how was I supposed to find my way forward.  There were so many days when I wondered if my broken heart would actually kill me.  I was surprised at how much my emotional pain affected my physical pain.  Yet time and help from the members here and the people in my life have allowed me to start finding more reasons to live.  The truth is that I already had two: Our daughter and granddaughter.  I realized that our girls still need me around for a while longer.  Looking back, I'm honestly not sure how I made it through these past 2-1/2 years, but I am also glad that I didn't give up.  It will be up to you to find your reasons to keep going, even small ones.  As times go by, you will likely find more small reasons for living.  With even more time, you will likely discover a strength you didn't know you had.  I don't mean the false "put on the brave face" strength.  I mean a real core that you can build upon as you make your way forward.

The truth is that I still cry at some point every day, but now it's not all day.  I talk to my husband every day, but not as much at first.  My waves of grief don't come as often and aren't as deep, though I still have days when I wonder "What's the point?" and when I cry out to my husband, "I don't want to do this.  You need to come and get me now."  I accept that grief is a permanent part of me now, but it is no longer all I can see or feel.  Over time, I've been able to see not just our painful, devastating last months, but also all of the wonderful, joyous times and even the ordinary day to day life we shared.

I'm sorry to say that I'd be surprised if you weren't asking those questions and feeling this way.  But please don't despair.  You're still early in your grief and at a really difficult time.  If you can, try to stay in today, right now, and quiet the voice that asks the big questions.  I still don't look too far down the road because it is overwhelming and brings on waves of grief and pain.  At first, I had to take it one day and even one hour at a time.  As my grief has evolved and the edges have softened, I have been able to make little plans for the near future.  It's a long journey that I think will take the rest of my life, but it is easier to bear now and I am embracing the bits of light and hope that find me.  I am learning to make my grief part of the life I am living now as I move slowly forward taking our love and memories with me.

Even if all you can do is get out of bed, breathe in and out, get dressed, and find one tiny bit of good, no matter how small, then that is your purpose for now.

My heart hurts for you and for all of us.  ((HUGS))

 

[kay TX]

I truly don't see any purpose of living.  Why should living be filled with constant daily, or even hourly griefs?  I have already lilved my life with my husband.   It's done now.  I used to love the days just by watchig him doing whatever that he's doing, even though he might not realize how miuch he really meant to me.  

[kay TX]

I started telling myself "this is only temporary" to calm myself down, hoping for the day when I can leave this place!

[Carolyn h]

2 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I can't say I know how you feel because we're each different, but I can say I know how hard the 5-6 month mark is.  That's one of the things that pushed me to search for help.  I'm not comfortable with in-person group therapy so this seemed like a really good option.  It definitely is.

For whatever reason, that 5-6 month mark seems to almost universally push us backward from any small progress forward that we've made.  We can make all kinds of guesses about why, but I think it's combination.  The initial shock of losing our soulmates has progressed to, "How am I supposed to do this alone?"  The people in our lives have gone back to their own lives.  Even though they love us and are often grieving too, it's not the same because their worlds spin on, many go home each night to their own loves, while we're floating, adrift and alone.  The bulk of the legal work is usually finished.  And there we are with nothing to distract us from the overwhelming, crushing reality that our lives and hearts have shattered and we have no idea how to or even if we can build a new life out of the remnants of the one we lost.  It's a time we start to accept what happened.  By that I mean only that we accept our altered lives, not that it's fair, right, or just because losing our one essential love will never be.

I spent a good part of the first year or so wondering why I should go on living, what purpose did my life have now, how was I supposed to find my way forward.  There were so many days when I wondered if my broken heart would actually kill me.  I was surprised at how much my emotional pain affected my physical pain.  Yet time and help from the members here and the people in my life have allowed me to start finding more reasons to live.  The truth is that I already had two: Our daughter and granddaughter.  I realized that our girls still need me around for a while longer.  Looking back, I'm honestly not sure how I made it through these past 2-1/2 years, but I am also glad that I didn't give up.  It will be up to you to find your reasons to keep going, even small ones.  As times go by, you will likely find more small reasons for living.  With even more time, you will likely discover a strength you didn't know you had.  I don't mean the false "put on the brave face" strength.  I mean a real core that you can build upon as you make your way forward.

The truth is that I still cry at some point every day, but now it's not all day.  I talk to my husband every day, but not as much at first.  My waves of grief don't come as often and aren't as deep, though I still have days when I wonder "What's the point?" and when I cry out to my husband, "I don't want to do this.  You need to come and get me now."  I accept that grief is a permanent part of me now, but it is no longer all I can see or feel.  Over time, I've been able to see not just our painful, devastating last months, but also all of the wonderful, joyous times and even the ordinary day to day life we shared.

I'm sorry to say that I'd be surprised if you weren't asking those questions and feeling this way.  But please don't despair.  You're still early in your grief and at a really difficult time.  If you can, try to stay in today, right now, and quiet the voice that asks the big questions.  I still don't look too far down the road because it is overwhelming and brings on waves of grief and pain.  At first, I had to take it one day and even one hour at a time.  As my grief has evolved and the edges have softened, I have been able to make little plans for the near future.  It's a long journey that I think will take the rest of my life, but it is easier to bear now and I am embracing the bits of light and hope that find me.  I am learning to make my grief part of the life I am living now as I move slowly forward taking our love and memories with me.

Even if all you can do is get out of bed, breathe in and out, get dressed, and find one tiny bit of good, no matter how small, then that is your purpose for now.

My heart hurts for you and for all of us.  ((HUGS))

 

Thank you for your words. It's just hard. I've lost both of my parents siblings and best friends but this is different. Way worse than I thought it would be. I have his kids now. That keeps me going but it also makes it really hard for me to find my own time to breathe. I'm trying. I'm very grateful for this group. I can say that. 

[kay TX]

I can't even think what tomorrow will be like...more tears, more heartaches, ... to think and imagine years down the road without him is such a scary thought! 

[Missy1]

@kay TX No judgement here, many of us wish we could be with our soulmate and follow them. I am on 1 year and I still don’t have a purpose or feel anything for this world without him in it. I am so desperately in love with him, it will never be okay. 
i want more than anything to be with him, follow him, I am not afraid. I understand where your coming from..

I don’t understand why or how things are, but I think about how much he loved me, I feel him by my side watching and waiting for me. I feel that for some greater reason we are still here, to honor them we have to trudge on. 

[kay TX]

I am just feeling so weak and miserable; I will just be all sad and miserable, I can't fight. I would tell him, if you love you, just make me feel better.  It's so surreal.  I still question, how can that be true!!? 40 years of marriage, gone in 10-20 seconds?! 

[Missy1]

Your grief is fresh, it feels like yesterday but honestly your grief will evolve. Yeah it is so shocking they were just here and now gone!  It’s so messed up, how can this be our life now!?!?
I understand, I have survived by taking this journey one harsh day at a time. I wake up and my first thoughts are of him, where is he? Then I know I must push myself to participate inI this life because I love him so much, I want him to be proud of me. I know this life will be over in a blink of an eye, my faith knows we will be reunited. 
 

[Perro J]

7 hours ago, kay TX said:

I can't even think what tomorrow will be like...more tears, more heartaches, ... to think and imagine years down the road without him is such a scary thought! 

This is why we repeat the mantra "one day, or even one hour, or one minute at a time". If we try to imagine more than that - it does quickly become unbearable.

I miss my love terribly too. The lure of catching up to her in the next place does hold some appeal. Yet I know she would want me to stay - to take care of my Mom - to keep faith in God. If there is an eternal afterlife, then the time spent here without them is but a blink of the eye in the grand scheme of things. I know she would wait patiently for me. If there isn't anything after here - then it is up to me to keep the memory of her because her being forgotten by this world is yet another death.

I am very sorry for your loss. I wish you peace and comfort.

 

@Missy1 One year. I know it isn't something you are celebrating - but it gives me a little bit of inspiration today. May today be filled with the good memories for you.

 

[KayC]

2 hours ago, Perro J said:

One year. I know it isn't something you are celebrating - but it gives me a little bit of inspiration today.

Honestly, even though one year doesn't mean we've made it over the hurdle, all the same I felt I deserved some kind of badge or trophy for having made it tthrough that first year!  It is the hardest thing and surviving isn't for wimps!  Just know we will continue to be here with and for you.

[CSN51]

Carolyn, I lost my husband, Steve, three weeks ago, on January 3rd. We found each other later in life, after we were both divorced. We would have been together for 28 years this coming Valentine’s Day. Sometimes I forget that he is gone, when I am in the middle of doing something; sewing, taking a bath, thinking about what to have to eat, I will think of something I need to tell him, or ask him, or I think I hear him moving around in another room. Then I remember, and it is like a physical blow. Each day is a struggle, I am drowning in tears, and I know I must get through this one day at a time. My husband was only 65 years old. By rights, we should have had many more happy years together, but that isn’t going to happen now. It’s a hard thing to accept and deal with. I have children and grandchildren, my 88 year old mother is still alive and needs me, and my husband wanted me to continue to live and try to be happy. He told me that several times while he was still with me. That is my reason for getting up every morning and getting on with the rest of my life. I have talked to several friends who have also lost a spouse, and this seems to be something that they have all gone through. We can only hang on and hope that it will get easier somewhere down the line. 

[foreverhis]

9 hours ago, Perro J said:

it is up to me to keep the memory of her because her being forgotten by this world is yet another death.

That's a true and lovely sentiment.  If we think about being the keepers of their lives, love, and memories, I don't think it matters whether there is or isn't a life beyond this one. 

My husband and I had shifted away from organized religion to a more encompassing faith.  Not that I'm saying specific religion isn't a good thing.  We were raised Episcopal and Methodist-Episcopal. It simply ended up not being right for us.  I still have faith that there is much we do not understand in this mysterious, wonderful universe of ours.  We have been sure there is something more, something eternal beyond the here and now.

But even if I didn't believe I would be with my love again, I'd still want to keep his memory alive now.  I want people to remember he was a good man, an honest man, an imperfect man, who lived and loved and tried to make the world a better place.  You're right, if he is forgotten, he will have died all over again.  I don't think I could take that.

[Perro J]

 

@KayC

7 hours ago, KayC said:

I felt I deserved some kind of badge or trophy for having made it through that first year!

It's not much but I hope you'll accept this.

[KayC]

On 1/29/2021 at 8:28 AM, CSN51 said:

Carolyn, I lost my husband, Steve, three weeks ago, on January 3rd. We found each other later in life, after we were both divorced. We would have been together for 28 years this coming Valentine’s Day. Sometimes I forget that he is gone, when I am in the middle of doing something; sewing, taking a bath, thinking about what to have to eat, I will think of something I need to tell him, or ask him, or I think I hear him moving around in another room. Then I remember, and it is like a physical blow. Each day is a struggle, I am drowning in tears, and I know I must get through this one day at a time. My husband was only 65 years old. By rights, we should have had many more happy years together, but that isn’t going to happen now. It’s a hard thing to accept and deal with. I have children and grandchildren, my 88 year old mother is still alive and needs me, and my husband wanted me to continue to live and try to be happy. He told me that several times while he was still with me. That is my reason for getting up every morning and getting on with the rest of my life. I have talked to several friends who have also lost a spouse, and this seems to be something that they have all gone through. We can only hang on and hope that it will get easier somewhere down the line. 

I can relate...you do seem to have a very positive outlook, it's amazing you can writing comforting thoughts to someone else so early in your journey.  I am very sorry for your loss.  My husband and I met in our mid-40s (both divorced) and were so happy!  He was definitely my soul mate and best friend.  He died suddenly, unexpectedly, right after his 51st birthday, I've lived 15 1/2 years alone now.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

17 hours ago, Perro J said:

 

@KayC

It's not much but I hope you'll accept this.

Ahh, thank you, that's so sweet!  I think many of us feel that way after surviving the "year of the firsts without..."

[CSN51]

On 1/30/2021 at 11:26 AM, KayC said:

I can relate...you do seem to have a very positive outlook, it's amazing you can writing comforting thoughts to someone else so early in your journey.  I am very sorry for your loss.  My husband and I met in our mid-40s (both divorced) and were so happy!  He was definitely my soul mate and best friend.  He died suddenly, unexpectedly, right after his 51st birthday, I've lived 15 1/2 years alone now.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

Thank you so much, KayC. The tips you posted are very helpful. It sounds as if you and your husband had a wonderful relationship...how very sad to lose him at such a young age. I’m so sorry. My husband was diagnosed with an ocular melanoma about 6 years ago. Three years ago, he had to have his eye removed. We always knew that there was a chance that the melanoma would metastasize to his liver, and that if it did, there was no cure. When we got the results of the genealogy study of his tumor, it said that only 27% of people with that type of tumor would survive longer than five years. Steve made it for six years and six months. Every one of those days was a gift, even if we didn’t know it at the time. I don’t think I’ll ever get over losing him, but I hope that some day it will be easier to bear. ❤️

[steveb]

It’s because of the heart touching threads such as this one that this site has become my morning sanctuary before work and through  out the day.  

[kay TX]

I told myself I don't want to grieve any more. I called it "Grief Torture Chamber".  

[KayC]

11 hours ago, CSN51 said:

When we got the results of the genealogy study of his tumor, it said that only 27% of people with that type of tumor would survive longer than five years. Steve made it for six years and six months. Every one of those days was a gift, even if we didn’t know it at the time. I don’t think I’ll ever get over losing him, but I hope that some day it will be easier to bear. ❤️

We get melanoma in my family, I've had several.  Treatment for that is what brought on my dad's fatal heart attack, he was 62.  I just had one removed this month, have to go in every three months.  You are so right that every day was a gift, even if you weren't aware of it at the time.  I'm glad you also had that special relationship with your husband.  I've learned that it's not the length of relationship but the quality, and that we had.  It will get easier in time although we never stop loving and missing them and no one can say when because it can be different for all of us, too many things factor in to our adjustment...support, our own adaptability, the grief effort we put in, learning, reading articles/books, counseling, heck, even our family placement probably factors in!  Sending prayers and thoughts of comfort and peace to you.

[Caitin]

 

If anyone has been through losing a partner please let me know. This happened quite a while ago, when I was 28. I’m now 37. I just want some people as support. Support that goes both ways. 

[KayC]

@Caitin We all have as this is a loss of partner section.  We are here for you if you care to share your story.  As you already know, this is not something we get "over" and done with, nor do we "move on" but rather have to learn to live with the changes it means for our lives and begin to adjust to those changes and learn to cope.  It helps to hold hope.  I'm glad you found this site, it does help to express ourselves in a place where we know others hear and "get it."

[Carolyn h]

well. I finally found my old feed. That makes me happy. I love the people on here. Its been a few weeks. Life just keeps throwing it out there. First him with his cancer and now me. I just hope Im half as strong as he was. Its been 3 months since he left us and one month since my own diagnosis. Breast cancer. My mother passed from the same diagnosis at the same age as me. Anyways I guess Im just feeling it all today. I dont want to do this and I miss my partner so much. I guess thats all I got for now thanks for reading.

[Gail 8588]

Carolyn, 

Geez, I am so sorry for your diagnosis.  It is one of the things I fear, what will I do if I get sick? The answer is, I would plod on as best I can. 

So much progress has been made with breast cancer.  My sister-in-law is in year 7 of remission. I have a good friend who is in year 15.  So many people are long term survivors.  Your outcome is likely to be much better than your mom's. 

I'll be praying for you and wishing you well. 

Gail

[KayC]

Me too, praying you through this!!

[Carolyn h]

13 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Carolyn, 

Geez, I am so sorry for your diagnosis.  It is one of the things I fear, what will I do if I get sick? The answer is, I would plod on as best I can. 

So much progress has been made with breast cancer.  My sister-in-law is in year 7 of remission. I have a good friend who is in year 15.  So many people are long term survivors.  Your outcome is likely to be much better than your mom's. 

I'll be praying for you and wishing you well. 

Gail

Thank you. I'm just glad that I was healthy enough to take care of my partner at the end of his journey. I miss him with all my heart like I said I'm just glad he didn't have to go through this alone

[widower2]

Carolyn, I'm so sorry to hear of your latest bad news, as if you haven't had enough...but breast cancer has a high survival rate, so (knocking on wood as I type this) your odds are very much in your favor. You can do this. And we're all here cheering you on. Kick that #@$! thing on its ass.

[luckystarhongkong]

On 1/29/2021 at 9:35 AM, foreverhis said:

I can't say I know how you feel because we're each different, but I can say I know how hard the 5-6 month mark is.  That's one of the things that pushed me to search for help.  I'm not comfortable with in-person group therapy so this seemed like a really good option.  It definitely is.

For whatever reason, that 5-6 month mark seems to almost universally push us backward from any small progress forward that we've made.  We can make all kinds of guesses about why, but I think it's combination.  The initial shock of losing our soulmates has progressed to, "How am I supposed to do this alone?"  The people in our lives have gone back to their own lives.  Even though they love us and are often grieving too, it's not the same because their worlds spin on, many go home each night to their own loves, while we're floating, adrift and alone.  The bulk of the legal work is usually finished.  And there we are with nothing to distract us from the overwhelming, crushing reality that our lives and hearts have shattered and we have no idea how to or even if we can build a new life out of the remnants of the one we lost.  It's a time we start to accept what happened.  By that I mean only that we accept our altered lives, not that it's fair, right, or just because losing our one essential love will never be.

I spent a good part of the first year or so wondering why I should go on living, what purpose did my life have now, how was I supposed to find my way forward.  There were so many days when I wondered if my broken heart would actually kill me.  I was surprised at how much my emotional pain affected my physical pain.  Yet time and help from the members here and the people in my life have allowed me to start finding more reasons to live.  The truth is that I already had two: Our daughter and granddaughter.  I realized that our girls still need me around for a while longer.  Looking back, I'm honestly not sure how I made it through these past 2-1/2 years, but I am also glad that I didn't give up.  It will be up to you to find your reasons to keep going, even small ones.  As times go by, you will likely find more small reasons for living.  With even more time, you will likely discover a strength you didn't know you had.  I don't mean the false "put on the brave face" strength.  I mean a real core that you can build upon as you make your way forward.

The truth is that I still cry at some point every day, but now it's not all day.  I talk to my husband every day, but not as much at first.  My waves of grief don't come as often and aren't as deep, though I still have days when I wonder "What's the point?" and when I cry out to my husband, "I don't want to do this.  You need to come and get me now."  I accept that grief is a permanent part of me now, but it is no longer all I can see or feel.  Over time, I've been able to see not just our painful, devastating last months, but also all of the wonderful, joyous times and even the ordinary day to day life we shared.

I'm sorry to say that I'd be surprised if you weren't asking those questions and feeling this way.  But please don't despair.  You're still early in your grief and at a really difficult time.  If you can, try to stay in today, right now, and quiet the voice that asks the big questions.  I still don't look too far down the road because it is overwhelming and brings on waves of grief and pain.  At first, I had to take it one day and even one hour at a time.  As my grief has evolved and the edges have softened, I have been able to make little plans for the near future.  It's a long journey that I think will take the rest of my life, but it is easier to bear now and I am embracing the bits of light and hope that find me.  I am learning to make my grief part of the life I am living now as I move slowly forward taking our love and memories with me.

Even if all you can do is get out of bed, breathe in and out, get dressed, and find one tiny bit of good, no matter how small, then that is your purpose for now.

My heart hurts for you and for all of us.  ((HUGS))

 

thank you very much for your sharing. You've laid out a roadmap for us who are in the early phases of grief. Your realistic account of what one may go through is very helpful. But it also demonstrates that our lives will never be the same and sooner or later, we have to accept this new reality however difficult it seems to be, for life to go on. I am in the process of figuring out what has happened/numbness to beginning to accept my love of my life/my soulmate/best friend, my beloved wife married to me for 25 years has left me forever; I am still wondering how life can be so harsh: those carefree days when happiness is so easy/natural when she was there are gone in less than 12 hours.

Me and my wife did everything together; she's the cheerful optimist who made our home warm and full of joy; now the apartment we live in seems so strange to me; I changed my work schedule so I can dine with my 14 yo daughter every day; when my wife was there, dinner was a happy happy time for 3 of us; after dinner I'll spend the evening chattering with her for an hour or more on the balcony; a lot of our friends were surprised or even jealous of us that after so many years together we still had such a good relationship; she was my first love; she was always there when I was at the lowest point in my life and I supported her in her difficult times; our love have been tried by storms; and after so many years of struggle we were able to have a relatively good and stable life; we planned to retire next year; we would send our daughter to UK to study and start the new phase of our lives elsewhere in the world; in Jan 2021 we stayed in our favorite country for 2 weeks; we looked for new homes and visited various places; we had a good time; alas, who can imagine that was our last trip...

Last year she had severe sepsis after surgery and was admitted to the ITU; miraculously she recovered and came home on X'mas day; we were so grateful that god had saved her and our little family; we look forwards to some peaceful days after this tribulation; we vowed to do more to help other people and we did; and we did it wholeheartedly until the moment she had another unrelated acute illness and passed within a few hours.

As the situation here changed for the worse drastically last year, I was worried and a few days before she was gone, I told her in a restaurant that all I cared about was the 3 of us and asked if we should emigrate to another place. She reassured me that god has saved her from her illness and I should not worry too much as everything was in his hands. I thought,' that's right'. She always made be feel better no matter what happens. We then went to have a walk on the seafront, visited her favorite flower market and I bought her a few potted plants for our little garden. 4 days later, she passed away. 

Now at dinner time, the sound of the utensils echoed in the empty hall; yeah my daughter and I do talk about our days; and she's a mature and lovely girl I am so proud of;  but without her it seems so empty. And the idea that I shall be all by myself when my daughter goes to college in 3 years time makes me nervous. I feel vulnerable. I have not had this kind of feeling even since I met my wife 32 years ago.

I'll carry on, one day at a time. I'll try. I am a pessimistic kinda person. My wife always told me not to worry too much. But I continued to worry. Now I know why: because when she was by my side, whenever I worried too much she would comfort me; in a way I used to have the luxury to worry. Now I don't have this anymore. I no longer have the capacity to cope with that. I have to do it 1 step at a time. No choice.

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, luckystarhongkong said:

a lot of our friends were surprised or even jealous of us that after so many years together we still had such a good relationship

Welcome to the best, kindest place none of us ever wanted to be.

I too have always been a worrier.  It's been one of the things that made some days more difficult as I'd worry about anything and everything.  When I first read KayC's (and others) advice to focus on today, just today, it helped.  Not right away, but slowly day by day.  It's helping with my guilt as well.  I'm super good at blaming myself for everything bad or wrong that happens.  (Thanks mom and dad!)  But I'm working on regretting that there were things I could have done better and accepting the things I couldn't help.  I do not accept that John dying was fair or just.  It wasn't.  But I have learned to accept the reality in front of me and try to move slowly forward from there, taking both my grief and my love with me.

You'll get really tired of hearing this, but it's the truth: You are at the beginning of a long, difficult journey.  If telling about my experience helps in any way, then honestly, that makes me feel better too.  When I was new here, so many members helped, advised, comforted, and just listened.  I did not expect to have this grace in my life where I could talk, rant, question, and even "scream" when things were at their worst and know 100% that I was understood and not judged.

I put your quote above because that was our experience too.  My SIL (his sister who we're very close to) and others commented on it.  More than once over the years she'd tell me how clear it was even when John and I were just sitting on the sofa teasing each other or talking that we had something special.  She'd say she envied us that in a way.  Not that she resented it or anything, but that while she loves her husband, she knows they don't have that kind of bond.  Were we perfect?  Oh heck no, we're fallible human beings after all.  But a constant thread of love bound us together and I have faith it binds us still. 

Even in the worst of times, we were there for each other.  His home health nurse even commented on it one day.  She had done his post-surgery check up and was making notes.  We were on the sofa, casually touching and teasing.  We laughed at something funny he said.  We were just at ease with what made us uniquely "us."  She looked over and said she had rarely seen a couple so connected and able to smile at each other during these worst of times.  John replied, "That's because we don't just love each other.  We still like each other too."  I would rather have been with him than anyone else in the world and, though everyone needs a touch of "me" time, we were happy spending most of our time together.

That makes losing him all the harder.  It's another cliche, but also true, that the deeper the love and the stronger the bond, the deeper the pain and the stronger the grief of losing it.  But I would still have jumped in with my whole heart, even if I'd known I'd be where I am now.  He was worth everything to me.

One thing you can count on now that you're here is that you will never walk this painful road alone.  We may be on unique paths, but we are walking together.

[luckystarhongkong]

foreverhis : thank you for your kind words. Good to know I'm no alone. It makes grief less unbearable. I used to think that when people lose their love ones, after some time they'll be OK and should get going. Now I know that I am grossly mistaken. Learning to live without the love of my life in a gloomy world, trying to collect little pieces of joy/happiness to replace the 'big joy' when she was there doesn't sound attractive, but that seems to be the only thing to keep me sane, the only way I am left with. That's sad. 

[chincube]

1 hour ago, luckystarhongkong said:

foreverhis : thank you for your kind words. Good to know I'm no alone. It makes grief less unbearable. I used to think that when people lose their love ones, after some time they'll be OK and should get going. Now I know that I am grossly mistaken. Learning to live without the love of my life in a gloomy world, trying to collect little pieces of joy/happiness to replace the 'big joy' when she was there doesn't sound attractive, but that seems to be the only thing to keep me sane, the only way I am left with. That's sad. 

I believe we are from the same city - and I hope your friends around you understand what you'd be going through. I especially resonate on what you wrote "I used to think that when people lose their love ones, after some time they'll be OK and should get going". In most of the cases here, when you go to funerals nobody would really cry, maybe a tear or 2 in total that you can see but that's all. I also feel that we are so encouraged not to talk about bad things, appear to be well put together and successful, that is maybe why we get the idea that after some time people will be OK again.

This has affected me greatly, after my boyfriend died I returned to work I have to be pleasant and cheerful, after I told and cried to my mom we never talked about it or him again and I act normal at least in front of my parents. I act normal in front of my friends, and because it is tiring, I try to meet them less but act as I was before all that happened. I avoid thinking about what happened when I could, sometimes even I can appear to myself that I'm OK again. But then from time to time when it hits me I can't get out of bed for the whole day.

I hope to say to you that it really is not how it appears in our surroundings, God knows what others around us who has been through what we've been through do to cope with death of loved ones. I guess we are pretty much the same not quite OK, but try to put on a brave mask everyday. I am sorry for your loss and what you're going through.

[luckystarhongkong]

2 hours ago, chincube said:

This has affected me greatly, after my boyfriend died I returned to work I have to be pleasant and cheerful, after I told and cried to my mom we never talked about it or him again and I act normal at least in front of my parents. I act normal in front of my friends, and because it is tiring, I try to meet them less but act as I was before all that happened. I avoid thinking about what happened when I could, sometimes even I can appear to myself that I'm OK again. But then from time to time when it hits me I can't get out of bed for the whole day.

 

that is something understandable: I used to ignore the fact that death could be just around the corner; when my wife was there, I wanted to cling to our happy lives together and don't want to think too much about negative things, even though deep in my heart(especially after my wife's health getting worse in recent year) I know death can happen anytime, anywhere. I choose to turn away from that and naively thought that by doing so that won't happen to us. That's the reason why people don't want to be in the company of widow/widower: on the one hand they don't know what to say: what if she/he cries etc; on the other hand that remind them of their own mortality which people resist in general. 

Thank you for your kind words. Our roads ahead are hard. There will be a lot of ups and downs. But at least we know we are not alone.

[KayC]

@chincube  I'm sorry you feel you have to put on a brave front, I hope you have at least one friend, sister, someone , you can let down with, we all need it.  Grief support groups are wonderful for that too!  (Damn Covid!)  I can't even do zoom here, slow speed limited internet. 

12 hours ago, luckystarhongkong said:

But at least we know we are not alone.

Nope, not here anyway!

[Carolyn h]

I am happy to say that I do have a good support system it's just been extremely hard trying to juggle both. My heart aches every day for my partner. I'm still waiting for a surgery date. How can I have one soon. Thank you !!!

[KayC]

It seems medical care is so hard right now.  I've had four months of lesions on the back of my tongue and sores in the back of my throat, possibly allergy, not sure, did away with known allergen, and discontinued inhaler, but it's been 1-2 months since and it continues, yet hard to get in to doctor and referrals right now.  Will be glad when Covid is behind us, IF it ever is.  I hope you get a date soon that you can set your sights on!!

[Carolyn h]

I got a date now for surgery is going to be June 2nd. I'm also starting other forms of grief counseling now. Things have just been so hard buried or I had two kids when he passed away of course but now that I have cancer it's been a little tricky. I miss him more then words can say. 

[Sparky1]

Carolyn, I pray that your surgery goes well. I also hope that you benefit from your new grief counseling, I'm sure that finding the right counselor will make a difference for you. I know in my case, the one I have now has helped me more than the first one I had.