Starting to feel like I can’t remember anything

[Rashell]

I’ve had a really rough last few days, and am starting to just feel so detached from myself and my life. My partner passed only 2 weeks ago, and unless I think about it, I don’t remember anything, I don’t remember that he died, and I also don’t remember that I was with him or even anyone for the last few years. It feels like these last 2 weeks have been my entire life. I’ll just feel off and I won’t know why and then I’m like, oh yeah, I have a partner, where is he? And then, oh sh*t, he died. I feel like I’m losing my mind. The thing scaring me the most is not just that I don’t remember that he’s passed, but I don’t really remember him that much. And maybe it’s confusing (it’s confusing to me as well) because I do remember him when I’m sitting here thinking about everything, and all our memories together are very vivid-however they feel like they happened to someone else, like it was a movie I watched that really resonated with me. When I talk about him, or our memories together, it feels like I am telling a story, or talking about something that happened to someone else. But when I am just going about my day, or watching TV, I don’t think about any of this. And when I wake up, I’m always like, “Why do I feel so off? Do I always feel this way?” and then it’ll hit me. And not just the fact that he died will hit me, but the fact that my life hasn’t always been this way- sitting on my couch all day, alone- and only 2 weeks ago I had someone to share my life with, who made me so happy. I don’t understand why it isn’t etched in my brain the way it was before he passed. I never had to REMIND myself I had a partner when I wasn’t with him. Is this normal? Is this from my brain trying to push my feelings away?

Also, the only emotions I really feel 98% of the time is confused, and numb. Of course, when I see something that reminds me of him, I start crying no matter where I am. I finally forced myself to go to a store yesterday to get some food for my cupboards, and when I walked down the cereal aisle I started bawling. Had to leave the store. The one thing that gets me is seeing things or doing things that we used to do together, alone. And then I realize that is how it is now. But another part of me feels like I’ve been alone my whole life, and I’m so scared that I’m forgetting how much love I had and was given, and I don’t want to forget.

[foreverhis]

I'm sorry to say that this is very common.  I sometimes thinks it's our minds protecting us from emotional overload 24/7 for too long.  I sometimes think it's because we have limited brain power, brain fog, and hardly any energy.  We have to use what we have just to get through the day, so our minds push everything else back.  I sometimes think it's because all memories have a way of fading, no matter how much we try to hold on to them.  But most of the time, I think it's a combination of all of those reasons.

I have to admit that there are times when 37 years of my life seem like a dream or something I made up from a fantasy.  I can still picture the very moment I first saw him, laughing with his eyes crinkled and his face lit up.  I can remember the first time he asked me out after we'd become friends (even what I was wearing when I answered the phone!).  I remember the first time he kissed me--really kissed me--in the kitchen of my apartment, where we were when we proposed in his own silly way, his smile when he slipped my wedding ring on my finger, the way he'd sneak up behind me in he kitchen and kiss my neck, and yes, even the moment he took his very last breath.  But there are times I feel like an outsider looking in on someone else's life or as if I'm watching a movie that plays over and over.  Some members have talked about how it feels as if our loves are moving further and further away as time and the lives we are living now march on and the world keeps spinning.  I guess it is a little like that.  They are present for us in our memories, but the rest of the world doesn't see them.  And so to live in our current reality, we have to engage with what is and not with what should be.

Getting upset and having to leave stores is also typical.  It's happened to most of us at one point or another, and usually because of something specific.  For me, the deli counter was impossible.  My husband had this one premium uncured Virginia-style ham he loved, but it was pricey.  So I'd buy a small amount sliced thin and he'd have a little with his breakfast or lunch.  When it was on sale, I'd pounce and buy him at least 1/2 lb.  The first several times I absolutely had to go shopping, I'd end up sobbing if I had to walk by the deli.  Then I'd see this or that favorite thing of his and cry some more.  This went on for months until those feelings became pangs of sadness and regret, instead of basically bringing me to my knees.  But as with so much, it takes time.

Your loss and grief are still so new, raw, and confusing that it's natural you'd wonder "Am I normal?"  While "normal" has lost most of its old meaning for me, in this context, yes, what you're feeling and experiencing is so typical as to be nearly universal.  And I am so very sorry that you have to be here with us as we go on our painful, unwelcome journeys.

[Anaana]

I feel so similar. I think it's very normal, it's our brains trying to cope with this, this terrible feeling after u see something that reminds you of him, is like a punch in the stomach. My wound is more fresh than yours, I'm trying not to think about the future but it's impossible. I'm thinking about you, we're going to hang on together. 

[Missy1]

I used to feel this way the first few weeks, I would get up in the night looking for him, thinking he must be up watching T.V. or reading in the living room. Then it would hit me, that he actually died! No, it can’t be true, my body would then go into full panic mode, this happened over and over. My mind just couldn’t accept he was dead, it sounds so horrible and messed up! I would scream, this can’t be my life!

I was, and am still an in distress, my hair is falling out, I have stomach aches, my chest aches, I have anxiety attacks, I now have high blood pressure and feel sad every day. I want to give you hope, I survived a whole year  by coming here, keeping my mind distracted as much as possible and yes, drinking a bit. Not the model of mental health but I am still alive today.
Every day is a challenge and a struggle, sometimes a bird landing by the window makes me feel like I can keep going. Look for any thing that makes you feel alive, like the sunrise, a rainbow, open your mind. I feel him by by side, waiting for me patiently knowing I have stay here a bit longer, but that’s okay. 

 

[KayC]

As I posted elsewhere this morning...

https://mikeunkelhaeuser.weebly.com/blog/widows-brain
http://www.refugeingrief.com/grief-crazy/

11 hours ago, Missy1 said:

I was, and am still an in distress, my hair is falling out, I have stomach aches, my chest aches, I have anxiety attacks, I now have high blood pressure and feel sad every day.

It's a real thing, many of us have experienced this. 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/08/voices-of-experience-how-grief-can.html
https://whatsyourgrief.com/physical-grief-symptoms/
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/03/physical-reactions-to-loss.html

[Rashell]

11 hours ago, Missy1 said:

my hair is falling out, I have stomach aches, my chest aches, I have anxiety attacks, I now have high blood pressure and feel sad every day.

I relate to all of this. I have a bad habit of repressing my feelings and internalizing my stress, have done it my whole life. It’s caused me SERIOUS physical and mental health problems throughout my whole life. Right now, my hair is falling out in handfuls (my bathtub won’t even drain anymore, I have to snake it everytime I shower which was very much my partners job!), I broke out in rashes all over my body, I have an ulcer in my bladder (have a condition, sometimes my flare ups are caused by stress), extreme gastrointestinal issues (don’t think I need to go into detail with that one), and a bunch of other things- and this is not the first time in my life this has happened. I usually have a less intense version of all these things about once a year when things get really hard (anxiety and bipolar are not very fun, especially in the past during my college finals), but obviously right now it is much worse. I spent 4 years with a rash covering my entire legs, from my ankles to my thighs, tried all different kinds of creams and treatments from my dermatologist, only to find out it’s stress induced. I’ve done a lot better in the last few years with not internalizing my stress but a lot of that had to do with my partner helping me through things. I know all these things are normal(ish) when going through extreme distress, but it’s still scary and not fun, and at least I know I am not alone in this. I hope all these things start to clear up for the both of us.