Just heartbroken, still cant believe it

[Ziggy stardust]

On 5th Dec 2020 my husband who was only 52 slipped and banged his head inside the house. On December 19th his life support was turned off. We have two daughters 23 and 21.Seeing them grieve is breaking my heart. I have lost my soul mate and best friend. We had been together since i wad 18.How on earth do we move forward without him

[Shirin2027]

I am so sorry for your loss. There is no easy way to deal with it. I lost my boyfriend 3 years ago, we had been together for 10 years. It’s still difficult. One thing I have realized is the grief is always there even though each day is different. Dealing with it one day at a time and keeping busy with mundane things helps me keep my sanity. It’s always there but I am not focusing on it when I am busy. Everyone deals with grief in a different way. You will know what helps you just hang in there. 

[Ziggy stardust]

51 minutes ago, Shirin2027 said:

I am so sorry for your loss. There is no easy way to deal with it. I lost my boyfriend 3 years ago, we had been together for 10 years. It’s still difficult. One thing I have realized is the grief is always there even though each day is different. Dealing with it one day at a time and keeping busy with mundane things helps me keep my sanity. It’s always there but I am not focusing on it when I am busy. Everyone deals with grief in a different way. You will know what helps you just hang in there. 

Thankyou for your advice and for listening

[SDC]

I'm so sorry. Our experiences are similar. Last April my healthy spouse (56)  fell, sustained two skull fractures and brain damage, and didn't wake from an induced coma. I removed his life support 8 days after his accident. The suddenness of it was traumatic. It's also hard to feel connected to his death even though I know unequivocally removing life support was what he wanted. I know rationally that a sudden death is the best way to leave this world, but it's brutal for the people left behind. I take comfort that his death didn't include
suffering--he didn't wake that morning in pain or in fear of a scary diagnosis, etc. He was just living his life and one misstep brought him to his end. We met our first year of college at 18/19 and it's incomprehensible that I'm here without him. I can tell you that the intensity of overwhelming feelings lessen in time--I'm not knocked over as regularly by them now. Again, I'm sorry you too lost your person in such a sudden and traumatic way. 

[KayC]

3 hours ago, Ziggy stardust said:

How on earth do we move forward without him

I am so sorry for your loss.  My husband had just had his 51st birthday when he died on Father's Day, 2005.  It was sudden and unexpected...the hardest thing I've ever gone through.  I didn't have a clue where to start, how to survive this.

Now it's 15 1/2 years later.  It doesn't hurt as intensely as it did in the beginning but not one day has gone by but what I think of him, love him, and miss him.  I've had to go through so much processing and adjustments, had to survive so much without him here, and now I'm growing old alone, that was not in our plans.  We had the porch swing bought, we were supposed to grow old together on it, it sits idle.  Nothing about this is fair.  I hear people complain about their husbands, I never did or would have.  

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[steveb]

I am so very sorry for your pain and loss.  Seeing our children grieve coupled with our own grief can at times feel unbearable. Thank God you all have each other to lean on.  

[Elsa]

I’m so sorry for your loss. My fiancé and I argued in June and he was drunk. He fell and broke his glass which shattered on his skull. I rushed him to the hospital thinking I was losing him as he was passing out. He had to have 13 stitches and the CT scan miraculously revealed no fracture. The internal bleeding was scary, he had a bruise covering half of his face and his eye was closed shut like a boxer. I thought it was such a close call. We both did. What no one told us was that there is a 6-fold risk of stroke in the following months. He survived.. then died of a massive stroke on Dec 3rd of the same year.

so even if he had survived this fall, you just don’t know what the longer term outcome might have been.

I take comfort in the thought that he never would have wanted to live disabled. In a way, we were blessed. I know it’s hard to see it that way.

[SDC]

10 hours ago, Elsa said:

I’m so sorry for your loss. My fiancé and I argued in June and he was drunk. He fell and broke his glass which shattered on his skull. I rushed him to the hospital thinking I was losing him as he was passing out. He had to have 13 stitches and the CT scan miraculously revealed no fracture. The internal bleeding was scary, he had a bruise covering half of his face and his eye was closed shut like a boxer. I thought it was such a close call. We both did. What no one told us was that there is a 6-fold risk of stroke in the following months. He survived.. then died of a massive stroke on Dec 3rd of the same year.

so even if he had survived this fall, you just don’t know what the longer term outcome might have been.

I take comfort in the thought that he never would have wanted to live disabled. In a way, we were blessed. I know it’s hard to see it that way.

Elsa. I just want to say I'm sorry you endured that scare in June--and felt relief when he recovered--and then lost him in December. That's a lot in 7 months. 

[LoveNeverDies]

21 hours ago, Ziggy stardust said:

How on earth do we move forward without him

I often ask myself the same question. There is no easy way to move forward without them , looking towards the future can be excruciatingly painful without our loved ones. I try to take one day at a time , on extremely hard days that would be one hour or one minute at a time. Coming here and writing out what I’m going through helps me get through the hardest days . People here understand, and are supportive. I’m so sorry you and your daughters are going through this pain. I hope you find some comfort here . ((Huge Hugs )) 

[Mouseyme]

21 hours ago, Ziggy stardust said:

On 5th Dec 2020 my husband who was only 52 slipped and banged his head inside the house. On December 19th his life support was turned off. We have two daughters 23 and 21.Seeing them grieve is breaking my heart. I have lost my soul mate and best friend. We had been together since i wad 18.How on earth do we move forward without him

I am so very sorry about your loss.  My husband of 43yrs passed last April we were together since we were 14..seems like a life time ago but  we have 2 grown daughters  and 6 grandkids and it is so hard to watch them grieve was so difficult, I put my thoughts on hold to help them through it...It isn't the easiest thing to do but I had to help them the best I could.  Now it is my turn and not sure where to start..just dont forget no one can take your memories away from you..cherish them always..I wish I could help you out as well..talking about them is the best medicine...for Xmas I made my whole family pillows out of his shirts with their names on them...they had some tears of joy to be able to still have a piece of him..take care of yourself...

 I think to move forward is to start your own traditions honouring him whether it is eating the foods he liked or doing the things he liked to do as well as just sitting talking about him...We will all get better one of these days it will probably take a long time but hang in there you sound like a good person and to me family is everything..

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Elsa said:

I’m so sorry for your loss. My fiancé and I argued in June and he was drunk. He fell and broke his glass which shattered on his skull. I rushed him to the hospital thinking I was losing him as he was passing out. He had to have 13 stitches and the CT scan miraculously revealed no fracture. The internal bleeding was scary, he had a bruise covering half of his face and his eye was closed shut like a boxer. I thought it was such a close call. We both did. What no one told us was that there is a 6-fold risk of stroke in the following months. He survived.. then died of a massive stroke on Dec 3rd of the same year.

so even if he had survived this fall, you just don’t know what the longer term outcome might have been.

I take comfort in the thought that he never would have wanted to live disabled. In a way, we were blessed. I know it’s hard to see it that way.

Elsa, I love that you are trying to see something positive in this, I know it's hard to, and I can't tell you what that means to me to hear you say that.

My husband had a heart attack and died 12/19/04, he was driving his new car and it totaled...the airbag going off gave the thrust to the chest that restarted his heart and gave him another six months to the day, he died Father's Day 2005 (June 19).  The surgeon figured it out, his primary care doctor never referred him to a cardiologist, maybe they would have been able to do a heart transplant but maybe he wouldn't have lived, we'll never know, that's not what happened.  I know it does no good to look back, we only have what is.  I did talk to his PCP and made him promise me another patient would not die for lack of referral.  George was his second one to in the same month.