Remembering dates

[SDC]

 

Do other people remember hard dates other than the date of death? (and wish they didn't).  I took my spouse off life support on April 23 ('20) and that day every month is as hard as his death date (4/25). The experience was more traumatic because of COVID restrictions--there was no visiting him in the hospital the week he was in a coma and only one person could see him in the ICU after giving the directive to remove life support so I did that hard task alone. I wish my brain didn't remember that date on top of the day of his death. 

[KayC]

Yes, the days that remain hard for me are his birthday, our anniversary, Christmas, and always his death day, Father's Day.

[Yoli]

I did a charity walk for Motor Neuron Disease today (ALS to you folk in the States ). I took a mystery raffle where you pick out a number, I dug deep and rummaged around and pulled out the number 13 - Indy passed on the 13th. I just stared at it.

[Sparky1]

I have the last 2 months of my wife's life recorded in my brain. I remember almost every day of when certain things happened, when she went in the hospital, when she got diagnosed with cancer, her treatments, the whole timeline. Thinking about those dates is very painful, especially September 15 when she called me to tell me that they told her she had cancer. I was driving home from the dentist and was balling my eyes out.  Because of covid, I couldn't be with her that day. Arghh. They say that the first year as you go through all the special occasions is the toughest. So far it's true.

[jmmosley53]

Oh yes, there are dates that are burned into my mind.  He died on the 3rd.  Every month on the 3rd I feel like I am re-living the the call telling me he had died.  All the dates about when he went into the hospital, the day when different thing the doctors and nurse said.  It all seems like slow motion.  And, the special days like his birthday and our anniversary no longer bring happy memories.  Those days seem to magnify the loss.  I seem to be doing counts, keeping track in my mind that it has been so many days, so many weeks, so many months.  The impact of COVID is hateful to me.  It kept me from him.  I despise that virus.

[Gail 8588]

5 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

I have the last 2 months of my wife's life recorded in my brain. I remember almost every day of when certain things happened . . .

Me too.

When I arrived home from work on February 7th,  I saw my husband colapsed in the yard from his stroke. From that moment to his death 25 days later,  every moment is carved into my brain. So many lasts. The last time he ate food, the last time he spoke, the last time he showed me a thumbs up, the last breath he took. So many procedures I authorized, stints placed, oxygen, ventilator, feeding tube, pace maker, 3 times he coded, do not recessutate order.  That movie runs in real time every year for those 25 days. I wish I could make it stop. 

Gail

[widower2]

Her birthday and Valentines Day. 

[Sparky1]

8 hours ago, widower2 said:

Her birthday and Valentines Day. 

Yes, those are the next ones for me. Her birthday is in March. It seems like every month is going to be tough. Then Easter, Mother's Day, Father's day, and that's only the first half of the year, the last half is the bad part.

[JaynEm9220]

15 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

I have the last 2 months of my wife's life recorded in my brain. I remember almost every day of when certain things happened, when she went in the hospital, when she got diagnosed with cancer, her treatments, the whole timeline. Thinking about those dates is very painful, especially September 15 when she called me to tell me that they told her she had cancer. I was driving home from the dentist and was balling my eyes out.  Because of covid, I couldn't be with her that day. Arghh. They say that the first year as you go through all the special occasions is the toughest. So far it's true.

Me too - every day from diagnosis on 27/7/20 to death on 24/9/20 are etched in my memory.  When triggers flip the memory on,  I feel like the air has been sucked out of me.  They have been worse than my birthday, Christmas, new year so far.  Far far worse. 
much love 

10 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Me too.

When I arrived home from work on February 7th,  I saw my husband colapsed in the yard from his stroke. From that moment to his death 25 days later,  every moment is carved into my brain. So many lasts. The last time he ate food, the last time he spoke, the last time he showed me a thumbs up, the last breath he took. So many procedures I authorized, stints placed, oxygen, ventilator, feeding tube, pace maker, 3 times he coded, do not recessutate order.  That movie runs in real time every year for those 25 days. I wish I could make it stop. 

Gail

Oh god Gail,  I am with you wholeheartedly with this.  Every single last moment. It is torture. The PTSD is very real in this situation; flashbacks and triggers that initiate flashbacks are horrendous.  They are brutal.  
much love 

[JaynEm9220]

11 hours ago, jmmosley53 said:

Oh yes, there are dates that are burned into my mind.  He died on the 3rd.  Every month on the 3rd I feel like I am re-living the the call telling me he had died.  All the dates about when he went into the hospital, the day when different thing the doctors and nurse said.  It all seems like slow motion.  And, the special days like his birthday and our anniversary no longer bring happy memories.  Those days seem to magnify the loss.  I seem to be doing counts, keeping track in my mind that it has been so many days, so many weeks, so many months.  The impact of COVID is hateful to me.  It kept me from him.  I despise that virus.

Yes I would have been there in the AMU ward had it not been for Covid.  I have been denied that.  
sending love 

[Gail 8588]

I didn't appreciate it before Covid, but I really do cherish that I was able to be with my husband nearly 24/7 for his last 25 days.  They were of course heartbreakingly terrible days, but we were together, which was a blessing to us both. 

I feel so badly for those of you who were not able to be with your love due to covid. 

Gail

[SDC]

On 1/23/2021 at 8:25 PM, Sparky1 said:

I have the last 2 months of my wife's life recorded in my brain. I remember almost every day of when certain things happened, when she went in the hospital, when she got diagnosed with cancer, her treatments, the whole timeline. Thinking about those dates is very painful, especially September 15 when she called me to tell me that they told her she had cancer. I was driving home from the dentist and was balling my eyes out.  Because of covid, I couldn't be with her that day. Arghh. They say that the first year as you go through all the special occasions is the toughest. So far it's true.

Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry you endure multiple difficult dates (beyond the expected hard special occasions and holidays). I know that time will lessen reliving trauma experienced on certain dates, but that knowing doesn't help in real time. And I know that just getting through is an accomplishment the first year after losing a love. I wish you strength and the ability to be kind to yourself. 

[SDC]

On 1/24/2021 at 12:41 AM, jmmosley53 said:

Oh yes, there are dates that are burned into my mind.  He died on the 3rd.  Every month on the 3rd I feel like I am re-living the the call telling me he had died.  All the dates about when he went into the hospital, the day when different thing the doctors and nurse said.  It all seems like slow motion.  And, the special days like his birthday and our anniversary no longer bring happy memories.  Those days seem to magnify the loss.  I seem to be doing counts, keeping track in my mind that it has been so many days, so many weeks, so many months.  The impact of COVID is hateful to me.  It kept me from him.  I despise that virus.

Thank you for sharing. I feel a bit mad every month as the 23rd approaches and I relive seeing him for the last time. I feel the same about COVID. The virus's impact is vast. My love had an accident away from home and was put in an induced coma in the ER. Because of COVID restrictions I had to identify him via FaceTime. And like you, was only able to talk to the team of doctors and nurses caring for him on the phone. The disconnect made the situation impossible to process. No one was able to visit him. I was initially told that family (multiple people) could visit once I gave the directive to remove life support, but days later the rules changed and only one person could be there. COVID added layers of trauma to everyone who lost someone in 2020. Thanks again for sharing. 

[SDC]

On 1/24/2021 at 1:43 AM, Gail 8588 said:

Me too.

When I arrived home from work on February 7th,  I saw my husband colapsed in the yard from his stroke. From that moment to his death 25 days later,  every moment is carved into my brain. So many lasts. The last time he ate food, the last time he spoke, the last time he showed me a thumbs up, the last breath he took. So many procedures I authorized, stints placed, oxygen, ventilator, feeding tube, pace maker, 3 times he coded, do not recessutate order.  That movie runs in real time every year for those 25 days. I wish I could make it stop. 

Gail

Gail, Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry you relive so many painful last & agonizing decisions every year. I like your analogy of wishing it was a movie in your brain that you could stop. I feel a bit mad in the head when I spiral the 23rd-25th of every month, but knowing others experience the same helps me stop beating myself up for it. Take good care. 

[Diane R. E.]

I was able to be with my husband when he passed away on October 6, 2020, but was alone due to visitor restrictions. Doug was on life support when he died (the ICU doctor said CPR would be futile).I knew the moment he passed, even without the heart monitor showing no heartbeat. It was traumatic siting there afterwards watching his chest rise and fall due to the ventilator. He died on a Tuesday, so every Tuesday is difficult for me, let alone the date of his passing. His birthday is this week on the 28th, which will be another difficult date.

[Soulmate8]

Today is my soumates birthday and it hasn't been 3 months since he passed, Christmas was so hard but he's birthday is far harder, I never got to say goodbye to him as he was working away and was found in a hotel room (blood clot to the heart) so I feel no closure, I can't except that he's gone and I feel so alone and angry right now, Iove him so much my heart feels like its actually broken 

[Diane R. E.]

I'm so very sorry Soulmate 8. I wish I could take some of your pain away. I can identify with your feelings, being alone and angry, and yes, the physical pain is very real. You will always love him and I feel we will never accept the loss of our partner. In time we will find a way to move forward in this new life, but the loss will always remain. ((Hugs))

[BBB]

Date of death and anniversary are the hardest for me. Other dates also stick out like the day she started to lose her cognitive abilities.

 

[Soulmate8]

1 hour ago, Diane R. E. said:

I'm so very sorry Soulmate 8. I wish I could take some of your pain away. I can identify with your feelings, being alone and angry, and yes, the physical pain is very real. You will always love him and I feel we will never accept the loss of our partner. In time we will find a way to move forward in this new life, but the loss will always remain. ((Hugs))

Thank you so much for your kind words I agree it will just be living with it, I will never accept it just adapt to it xxxx

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Soulmate8 said:

Today is my soumates birthday and it hasn't been 3 months since he passed, Christmas was so hard but he's birthday is far harder, I never got to say goodbye to him as he was working away and was found in a hotel room (blood clot to the heart) so I feel no closure, I can't except that he's gone and I feel so alone and angry right now, Iove him so much my heart feels like its actually broken 

I am so sorry, my husband was born 6/14, died on Father's Day 6/19 (most years I get a double whammy) plus my dad's bdy was 6/10 and so was my parent's anv. so June is my tough month.  To make it worse my SIL (my daughter has been with him over 20 years) left her and filed divorce and his bdy was 6/6.  Too many reminders in June!  I'd like to fast forward past the month. 

You will be in my thoughts and prayers today.  I think our hearts do break when we lose them.

[SDC]

11 hours ago, Soulmate8 said:

Today is my soumates birthday and it hasn't been 3 months since he passed, Christmas was so hard but he's birthday is far harder, I never got to say goodbye to him as he was working away and was found in a hotel room (blood clot to the heart) so I feel no closure, I can't except that he's gone and I feel so alone and angry right now, Iove him so much my heart feels like its actually broken 

I'm sorry Soulmate8. The first bday after death is brutal. I just went through it in December (he died 4/20). I relate to your anger and feeling alone. I'm surprised by the physical pain of grief-- it sometimes literally feels like something inside me is broken. I know none of that is comforting, but know you aren't alone. Try to take care of yourself in any way you can. He'd want you to do that. Hugs from an internet stranger.