Members LoveNeverDies Posted January 23, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 23, 2021 I’m having such a horrible day, I woke up at 3am and couldn’t get back to sleep. I have the weekend off from work, these are the days I used to enjoy the most because I got to spend them with my love ...we would mostly just watch tv, eat , laugh and enjoy each other’s company. Instead I went through his voicemails and text messages to me, it made me miss him even more... I miss him so much it hurts . I don’t know how to live the rest of my life without him , he was my reason for living . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Flowrax Posted January 23, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 23, 2021 I'm so sorry for your loss.. i just lost the love of my life three weeks ago.. People say you should sleep and eat.. rest.. BS! we manage in different ways.. i'm not even three weeks out but i'm better than the first week.. it sucks! it's not ok but it's better compared to the first week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LoveNeverDies Posted January 23, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted January 23, 2021 It’s been about 7 weeks... it’s hard to believe that much time has passed already, it seems like it happened yesterday. I’ve had some days that weren’t bad, but then I have days like today where I can’t even cook my daughter some bacon without ending up in tears . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sparky1 Posted January 23, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 23, 2021 My wife passed away exactly 3 months ago today and the last three days have been horrific. It seemed like it was getting better and then the grief seems to come back with a vengeance. I've had a few of these episodes and I can't figure them out. There's lots of triggers, but the main one is knowing that she's not here. It hurts literally in the pit of my stomach, like something wants to explode. All I know is that it's not easy and I've even had a counseling session. Everything the counselor talked about, I already knew. I'm having another one in about a week, and I don't think it will help much. No one can replace my wife or alleviate the sorrow and grief I feel. That will never change no matter what. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LoveNeverDies Posted January 23, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted January 23, 2021 @Sparky1 I feel the same. I thought about counseling too, but I’m not sure anyone or anything can help me. It hurts so much, it feels like I’m not living anymore, I just exist. I just go through the motions to get through the day, then come home and break down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members AlwaysTogether Posted January 23, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 23, 2021 I has been a few bad days too. My dad leave this week, is the first time I be alone since my love death. The house feels so empty and I am so alone. I I don’t have close friend to spent time or try to avoid overthinking. I feel overwhelmed. I just hate going bed with his side of bed empty, and wake up in a world whiteout him. I hate covid, I would like can to USA with his family, but covid doesn’t permit to me. I already went when he pass, with a exception that was a miracle.. being with them Was a light in this darkness. Now I feel lost and lonely. I was avoiding seeing too many pictures or videos, make me so sad! Sometime o listen his voice notes, but it’s too painful! I just don’t now how to handle this alone. And people really don’t understand what grief could be.. I feel only people who live it can understand how hard is this! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LoveNeverDies Posted January 23, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted January 23, 2021 @AlwaysTogether ((Huge Hugs))) Please don’t feel alone, we’re here to support each other. I agree, it seems the only people who understand are others who are going through this too. Do you talk to his family on the phone or FaceTime? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LMR Posted January 23, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 23, 2021 @LoveNeverDiesIt feels like I’m not living anymore, I just exist. I just go through the motions to get through the day, then come home and break down. I feel exactly the same. I seem to be living my life in slow motion. I get up, shower and dress then find an hour and a half has gone by and I'm only just now getting ready to make breakfast. I do nothing much at all all day then just repeat it tomorrow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 24, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted January 24, 2021 8 hours ago, LoveNeverDies said: I don’t know how to live the rest of my life without him , he was my reason for living I know. That's how I felt too. I still do one day at a time, even after all this time. (((hugs))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sparky1 Posted January 24, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 24, 2021 4 hours ago, LoveNeverDies said: It hurts so much, it feels like I’m not living anymore, I just exist. I can relate to this feeling as well. It is so difficult sometimes that I have to force myself to do things. Getting out of bed, going to work, making dinner, cleaning the house, etc. I don't have any motivation left, but I say to myself that I can't change things and I must go on whether I like it or not. I feel like I'm detached from reality and just watch as the world keeps going on without skipping a beat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Elsa Posted January 24, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 24, 2021 I finally found myself completely alone in the house we shared which is very rural, middle of nowhere. Alone for the first time in 7 weeks. I cried and cried and cried. Finally I screamed at the top of my lungs. Wow. THAT was a release! Big advocate of the screaming, if you can find a place empty enough to do it. it’s definitely not linear and I read somewhere that the 3rd month is often a relapse into despair again before things get better. Hopefully you are on the right path ❤️ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Dawn Wms Posted January 26, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 26, 2021 I went out to the garage, one side empty now, and threw a ceramic mug just to break it and release my anger. I also bought a punching bag. I think I will break things and punch. I am so angry that he was taken before his time. I don't want to live without him either. It's been almost 9 months. I don't think there is a timeline. It depends so much on who you are, where you are in life and who you have depending on you. I understand we all must die, but why some die out of order perturbs me. If my husband had lived out his life to its fullest, I would also be elderly and could just wait until my time would come. But his death was so early, leaving me with another 25-30+ years. I don't want to live that long without him. He was everything to me. Without him, my life is nothing. I hate it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 26, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted January 26, 2021 On 1/23/2021 at 11:46 PM, Elsa said: it’s definitely not linear I think I just wrote that in another thread... 11 hours ago, Dawn Wms said: I don't think there is a timeline. No, we can go by averages but we're all different. Honestly I think our personality, coping skills, quality of relationship, perhaps even length of relationship although that seems to not be as much as the quality of, shoot, probably even our family placement enters in! Right now is particularly hard with the pandemic stifling in person support. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Yoli Posted January 27, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 27, 2021 Dawn, I am like you and can't get my head around having to spend maybe another 25 years on this earth without Indy - not only my partner but my best friend. Now feeling or rather knowing that not one person will ever know me as deeply and completely as she does. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 27, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted January 27, 2021 It overwhelmed me thinking about 40 years without him, it helps to take one day at a time. Why borrow trouble? After all, we MAY not live as long as we think and then we'd have worried for nothing. I'll keep doing one day at a time for however long this lasts... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sparky1 Posted January 27, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 27, 2021 2 hours ago, KayC said: we MAY not live as long as we think and then we'd have worried for nothing That's what I'm hoping. Another 25 to 30 years for me is a very long time. Longevity runs in my family and in my case I'm not looking forward to it and definitely don't want it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gail 8588 Posted January 28, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 28, 2021 I know that disconnected - going through the motions - zombie life that you are describing. I was there for 3 years, not wanting to live. During this time, whenever the news would report some tragedy of accidental death, a plane crash, mine collapse, robbery victim, whatever, I would feel so bad. Why were these people taken, when they had families to live for and who needed them, while I, a walking carcass, am still here. Take me! Leave those others to be with their loved ones who need them. I know that doesn't make any logical sense. But it was a recurring discussion in my mind many times during my zombie period. It's all so random and unfair. For what it is worth to you, I did finally emerge from my zombie state. I am actually a living person again. I still miss my husband and would rather be living the life we had together, but I am engaged in living this new life of mine. Hang in there. It does eventually get better, even though you can't imagine how that's possible. Gail Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 28, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted January 28, 2021 18 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said: For what it is worth to you, I did finally emerge from my zombie state. I am actually a living person again. I still miss my husband and would rather be living the life we had together, but I am engaged in living this new life of mine. This puts it all better than I could have! It's why we hang in there. We hang in by a thread for the hope that someday it'll be better for us even just a little bit, enough to give us hope of something good in our day... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Roxeanne Posted January 28, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 28, 2021 I'm feeling the same ...life goes on normally, day by day with the restrictions for covid...and then suddenly in the sun a thought transfixed me: how can i live without you ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Diane R. E. Posted January 28, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 28, 2021 Roxeanne; I feel the same way. Today would have been my husband's 65th birthday and I don't know how I can live without him for another 15 or 20 years. He passed away almost 4 months ago and I miss him so much! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Roxeanne Posted January 28, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 28, 2021 Diane i am very sorry...i understand...your pain is so hard now ! At 4 months i was closed in my house and in my desperation...over time the pain will lessen..but as you i'm still missing him after almost 3 years! It's the price we pay for loving so much our special person...take care of yourself hugs Roxi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rte148 Posted January 28, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 28, 2021 On 1/24/2021 at 2:46 AM, Elsa said: I finally found myself completely alone in the house we shared which is very rural, middle of nowhere. Alone for the first time in 7 weeks. I cried and cried and cried. Finally I screamed at the top of my lungs. Wow. THAT was a release! Big advocate of the screaming, if you can find a place empty enough to do it. it’s definitely not linear and I read somewhere that the 3rd month is often a relapse into despair again before things get better. Hopefully you are on the right path ❤️ I did just that the moment I was able to. Had a friend drive me to a mall parking lot, told them to get some coffee and come back in a few. I'm sure that the security video was puzzling but I was finally able to get all my eff words out. ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members borbzgirl Posted January 29, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 29, 2021 It has been 3 weeks since my boyfriend has passed, and I can relate about going through recordings and messages over & over again. I don't know why I torture myself, but I miss him so much. The sound of his voice gives me so much happiness and pain at the same time. I don't know how I can heal from this so I'm not any help, but hope you feel better knowing you're not alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Elsa Posted January 29, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 29, 2021 Thank you. 3 weeks is no time at all. Do what it takes to get yourself through the first two, three months. Even if it seems counterintuitive .. whatever it takes. Nothing will feel only good right now, so some level of pain has to come with the good. I am at 8 weeks and my pain is maturing, it’s like my brain has gotten used to the idea so is dulling the pain receptors. My heart still hurts just as much.. but somehow I don’t feel it as violently. There is hope. Sending you love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Cindyd Posted February 1, 2021 Members Report Share Posted February 1, 2021 I feel the same. Today I come to the realization that I really won't ever replace him. I don't want too not now but even if I see someone else its not a replacement for Doug. Its not possible. The history and memories should never be replaced. Maybe someday ill start a different new journey with someone else but it will have nothing to do with Doug. I will never give up his last name and ill never forget how special what we had was. It was a relief to me to realize I don't have to replace him. Its not possible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rte148 Posted February 1, 2021 Members Report Share Posted February 1, 2021 1 hour ago, Cindy Davis said: I feel the same. Today I come to the realization that I really won't ever replace him. I don't want too not now but even if I see someone else its not a replacement for Doug. Its not possible. The history and memories should never be replaced. Maybe someday ill start a different new journey with someone else but it will have nothing to do with Doug. I will never give up his last name and ill never forget how special what we had was. It was a relief to me to realize I don't have to replace him. Its not possible. My wife and I shared a morbid sense of humor, and she'd joke that I'll be just fine without her, that I'd probably bring a date to her funeral. 28 years together, I can't even contemplate moving forward without her by my side. We went through too much $**t , fought side by side together at some of the worst that life could throw at you for it to have come to such an abrupt end. "They would grow old together, broken together. And as long as they don't completely shatter at the same time, they might find a way to pick each other up off the ground." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members luckystarhongkong Posted April 24, 2021 Members Report Share Posted April 24, 2021 On 1/27/2021 at 10:44 AM, Yoli said: I am like you and can't get my head around having to spend maybe another 25 years on this earth without Indy - not only my partner but my best friend. Now feeling or rather knowing that not one person will ever know me as deeply and completely as she does. I've the same feeling. That's heartbreaking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members luckystarhongkong Posted April 25, 2021 Members Report Share Posted April 25, 2021 On 2/2/2021 at 2:34 AM, rte148 said: My wife and I shared a morbid sense of humor, and she'd joke that I'll be just fine without her, that I'd probably bring a date to her funeral. 28 years together, I can't even contemplate moving forward without her by my side. We went through too much $**t , fought side by side together at some of the worst that life could throw at you for it to have come to such an abrupt end. "They would grow old together, broken together. And as long as they don't completely shatter at the same time, they might find a way to pick each other up off the ground." Me too. My wife and I have gone through 32 years of ups and downs. Looking back, I feel it was sweet that she was by my side even at the worse of time. Now with her gone, how am I going to pick myself up and get going? This is so cruel. On 2/2/2021 at 12:54 AM, Cindyd said: I feel the same. Today I come to the realization that I really won't ever replace him. I don't want too not now but even if I see someone else its not a replacement for Doug. Its not possible. The history and memories should never be replaced. Maybe someday ill start a different new journey with someone else but it will have nothing to do with Doug. I will never give up his last name and ill never forget how special what we had was. It was a relief to me to realize I don't have to replace him. Its not possible. I agree. No one can replace the love of my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members TLN Posted April 25, 2021 Members Report Share Posted April 25, 2021 On 1/24/2021 at 1:46 AM, Elsa said: Finally I screamed at the top of my lungs. Wow. THAT was a release! Big advocate of the screaming, if you can find a place empty enough to do it. Dear @Elsa, I scream in my mind constantly; but I am reluctant to do so out loud, as I don't want to disturb anyone and am self-conscious about doing so even when alone. I am glad you have found it to be such a good release. Be well, @TLN. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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