So angry

[LMR]

Last month I wrote some letters of complaint about the treatment my husband received. Today, I was following up on one that had not been delivered. I was reading through the many emails I had exchanged with the nursing home. It suddenly dawned on me who it was that was causing my husband so much distress. It was the staff doctor at the nursing facility. She actually wrote that she had discussed hospice care with my husband and he was worried it would leave me with no money.

The specialist had said he would make a full recovery. Why was she even talking about these things?

I am so devastated. If I had known it was her it might have made a difference. I could have warned her off! Had him moved, something. I hsd complained but to the wrong person. I failed him again.

[Gail 8588]

LMR, 

One of the cruelest aspects of deep grief is how the survivor suffers from the guilt of having failed our loved one.  We didn't save them, and that was our only job. It is soul crushing. 

I was trapped deep in guilt for a long time.  It has not completely lost it's grip on me still.  

If you are like me, no amount of people assuring you that you did all anyone could,  reduces the guilt at all. I knew I failed him, because he died. The proof was in the pudding.  

Eventually, you have to let yourself off the hook for being human. You couldn't be everywhere at once, talk to all the doctors and staff, foresee the outcome of every decision.  You did the best you could with the information you had at the time. You were under tremendous stress. It is not your fault, no matter what your grief brain is telling you.  

I so wish I could do something to help you out of the guilt bog. I know it is a terrible place to be. 

Gail

[jmmosley53]

LMR,

I feel a lot guilt about my husband's death. But, we are seeing all the things in hind sight.  There is no way to know if anything would have changed had you taken more/less action.  

We put the guilt on ourselves.  I believe we do this because we think 'they should not be dead'.  Someone must be at fault, the blame must be placed somewhere and we are the ultimate target.

Truth is, things happen.  

[widower2]

On 1/21/2021 at 10:46 PM, LMR said:

Last month I wrote some letters of complaint about the treatment my husband received. Today, I was following up on one that had not been delivered. I was reading through the many emails I had exchanged with the nursing home. It suddenly dawned on me who it was that was causing my husband so much distress. It was the staff doctor at the nursing facility. She actually wrote that she had discussed hospice care with my husband and he was worried it would leave me with no money.

The specialist had said he would make a full recovery. Why was she even talking about these things?

I am so devastated. If I had known it was her it might have made a difference. I could have warned her off! Had him moved, something. I hsd complained but to the wrong person. I failed him again.

I respectfully disagree. That joke of a doctor failed him. And our medical profession in general seems to be failing us. How could you have known? 

Be fair to yourself. 

[Roxeanne]

LMR my loved one died suddenly...for a long time i tormented myself with my sense of guilt....i should have been able to save him!

But we are only a human being not a superhero!

I agree with gail: we did the best we can !

Be kind to yourself