Anyone else?

[BBB]

I know that we're all here in the same boat, all hurting equally and tremendously. For me, I am in therapy at the moment and on medication. I've had depression for many years and also have suicidal ideations. What makes this doubly tough for me is that my wife was not just my best friend, knew me the best, knew what to say, etc but she was what kept me around. She was the person who helped me squash the suicidal thoughts. I stuck around for her. Anyone else in the boat? It's not fun. 

 

[KayC]

I think suicidal thoughts occur to most of us in the early days.  It takes much time to process their death and begin to adjust to living alone, discovering who we are instead of just viewing ourselves as half of a whole or incomplete, even while understanding that nothing will be a good as the 'team" that we were together!  That is a battle I think we face the rest of our lives.  No it's not fun, I'm sorry any of us are going through this.  I wish all of us could have gone at the same time as our partner, although in small children's case that would not be good, even with adult children it might be hard but they'd get through it, much better than we are!

[Perro J]

My Mom is 81 and still in seemingly good health. Despite losing a pet parakeet several days ago - I still have its mate. I have four cousins - but we're not particularly close. My beloved's family in South America care about me. I must stay for them.

Death is our ultimate, natural outcome. Yet I've wandered through life thinking I would at least get my "average life expectancy" and maybe a few years more. The evidence continues to pile up around me that achieving that is not guaranteed.

My experience has been that right after my divorce - I felt like my life was a failure. I had not gotten into the career I studied for. Three miscarriages during my marriage were the closest I came to procreating. I was unemployed and hit with a $50K spousal support payment due within one year of the finalization of the divorce in addition to half the assets. I was considering that an early exit from life might be a rational choice.

Had I quit then - I never would have met her. The one that I grieve now. As dismal as the future seemed at the time - I did not know what was coming up ahead.

One year ago, I felt on top of the world. I was a phoenix risen. Now here I am again, back down in the hole.

The cruelty is, I have paid the debt. I am positioned as I had hoped I could be after my divorce. Now that isn't good enough. Now I miss her - and there is no way to overcome that. I struggle with the observation that someone so pious and kind could be taken so young. It makes me wonder if dying is a way I can catch up to her - and I'd only be going someplace I am ultimately headed to anyway.

It may be that there is a reason or a purpose that I need to still be here a little longer. I may not see it yet. It may still be hidden. In addition to that I have a sense that as I did not choose to be brought into this world it probably ought not be my choice as when to exit it.

[Maria_PI]

53 minutes ago, Perro J said:

It may be that there is a reason or a purpose that I need to still be here a little longer. I may not see it yet. It may still be hidden. In addition to that I have a sense that as I did not choose to be brought into this world it probably ought not be my choice as when to exit it.

@Perro J well said! Thank you! The only time I had real suicidal thoughts was while I was taking some hormonal medication that had an unintended side effect. I stopped it immediately. I would rather have left the body untreated than have lost my mind over that treatment. As devastating the loss of a soulmate is, Love has many shapes and forms and Love is still out there, even the Love we had for each other, it's still in me. I would like to stay and find out what the reason is for my still being here.

[Gail 8588]

2 hours ago, BBB said:

. . .  my wife was not just my best friend, knew me the best, knew what to say, etc but she was what kept me around. . . .

 

I have struggled with similar issues.  After John passed, I became aware of some ways I am disabled, or at least not normally able.  During our 40 years together, John just filled in those gaps for me.  He never even spoke with me about it. He just knew there were things I couldn't do and he did them for me. I never noticed. 

After he died, there were so many things that were impossible for me to do. I soon realized how much he had enabled me to have a 'normal life'.

I really didn't know how to get through the mechanics of daily life without him.  I felt I couldn't ask others for help, as they wouldn't understand why I couldn't just do it myself.  I have just now started telling a close friend about some of my 'brain' problems and she has trouble understanding how this can be.

I know it is not the same as your situation, but I very much struggled with the idea I can't go on without John because he was the person that made it possible for me to function.  Without him, I am too incomplete to navigate life.  I still believe this is true to a large extent.  But I have decided to give it a go anyway. Sometimes I feel like a blind person launching off on a walk in a strange city saying I'm hoping for the best, but feeling like this may end up badly. 

I am just trying to find a way to live in this world without the guy who made a normal life possible for me. 

Not sure how it is going to work out for me.  I hope you can find a way forward. 

Perro's account of how lost he felt after his divorce, and yet he subsequently found his true love, is some inspiration to me. We only get to know what lies ahead if we keep going. 

Gail

[BBB]

The thing about is that I have no desire to give it a go. If I died tomorrow, I'd be content with the life that I had. I suppose we're all different in that regard. 

 

[jmmosley53]

Yes indeed those thoughts crossed my mind.  I wanted to be with my husband.  The reason I never acted on those thoughts was my religious beliefs.  I believed that suicide is a sin.  It is murdering yourself.  If I murdered myself I will have broken one of the 10 commandments and will not be able to repent.  So I will go to hell and not be with him for eternity. 

[Gail 8588]

BBB, 

I too would be content with the life I had with John.   But as Perro said, we don't know what lies ahead.  

Gail 

[BBB]

Beliefs vary. I've heard Fr Mike talk about someone committing suicide due to a brain malfunction and they wouldn't necessarily go to hell. But, as I said, beliefs vary. Everyone has to believe what they believe.

 

[Sparky1]

2 hours ago, jmmosley53 said:

Yes indeed those thoughts crossed my mind.  I wanted to be with my husband.  The reason I never acted on those thoughts was my religious beliefs.  I believed that suicide is a sin.  It is murdering yourself.  If I murdered myself I will have broken one of the 10 commandments and will not be able to repent.  So I will go to hell and not be with him for eternity. 

I admit that the thought came into my head but I wouldn't do it for the same reasons you mention jmmosley53. There is like a hidden hand that tells me it's wrong and stops any further thought about it. Trust me, there's nothing more that I want then to be with my wife and I hope that it won't be a long time. But then again, my side of the family had long lifespans, so it could be another 25 or 30 years. I live now for my wife and wait patiently to be rewarded. The days drag on and hurt without her.

[Yoli]

BBB, absolutely I have had suicidal thoughts. I don't really know what stops me, maybe it's the 'what if'. I can't imagine how you are coping if you already had these thoughts prior to your loves passing. I already had anxiety and I really don't know how it has mostly stayed in check. Sometimes I give myself timelines, next month we have a holiday weekend and I have plans for that - get to that mark. At the end of next month I fly to see my cousin - get to that mark. Points in time that are not so far ahead to be too daunting.

As Sparky said I live now for my wife and wait patiently to be rewarded. 

[foreverhis]

9 hours ago, BBB said:

The thing about is that I have no desire to give it a go. If I died tomorrow, I'd be content with the life that I had. I suppose we're all different in that regard. 

 

That's where I am now too.  But I'd be lying if I said it never crossed my mind to just end things in the early months.  I never made an active plan or anything like that, but I thought about it a lot in vague terms.  Over time, that evolved into the realization that I no longer fear death at all.  My hope is that when my time does come, I will be reunited with my love forever.  I don't want to live to a "ripe old age" though.

I know that a main reason I've kept going is that our daughter deserves to have her mom around a while longer and our granddaughter needs to finish growing up with me telling her stories about her adored and adoring grandpa.  She needs me to be there to cheer her on in life for both my love and myself.  I am the keeper of his memories, life, and love now.

[BBB]

Letting go, there it is. There is the issue. I'm stuck on disbelief and not letting go. I guess I haven't figured out how yet but I'm definitely stuck. 

 

[Sparky1]

That's my problem too. It happened so fast and unexpectedly that it's still a shock. She still had many good years left and now she's gone. No matter what, the hurt will always be there and nothing will change that.

[BBB]

I think for many of us, death occurred outside what we consider the natural norm. If my wife died at 90 years old, I wouldn't be so shell shocked. I'd still miss her of course but the bigger issue that one's brain tries to make sense out of and can't is that she died too young. Not at a "normal" age. For me that's a big factor.

 

 

[foreverhis]

7 hours ago, BBB said:

Letting go, there it is. There is the issue. I'm stuck on disbelief and not letting go. I guess I haven't figured out how yet but I'm definitely stuck. 

 

I've got to be honest.  I do not care for the term "let/letting go" because for me it's too much like "just get over it."

I consider it more as my grief evolving and shifting.  The raw pain is softening as I learn to cope better.  I am incorporating my grief into my life as a permanent part of it, rather than the all-encompassing, heavy burden it was at first.  But there will not be a letting go any more than I would be letting go of all the happy, wonderful memories and even the every day, mundane parts of our life together.

I suppose the one thing I am trying to let go of is my guilt over not saving my husband.  I've gone around and around with every little thing that I could have done better or should/shouldn't have done, and all the "Why did/didn't I/we/the doctors...?"  For me, it's proven to be a monumental task, but it is happening.  Some day it will be the regret it should be.

I do agree that in going through our grief journey, it's a good idea to focus on any little joy we can find.  In doing that, we open ourselves up to seeing light ahead, instead of only dark.

[Gail 8588]

Foreverhis, 

Nearly everything you wrote here is how I feel also.  Guilt was probably my biggest hurdle to crawling out of my black abyss of depression. 

I still feel he didn't have to die, if only I had gotten him to Mayo earlier.  But I waited too long and by the time they got him it was hopeless. 

My grief from losing him, coupled with my guilt for not having gotten him the best treatment early enough, left me in a pretty dark place for a very long time.  Words of condolence only made me feel worse, because I knew the terrible secret - that it was my fault. 

I have not been able to 'let go' of him or 'let go'  of my guilt.  It is all permanently tied together with my love for him and our 40 years together.  But I have finally been able to pull myself out of the pit of my grief and dispair and live in the light again. 

Looking for joy in even the smallest of places and calling it out -  out loud - helped me to turn my gaze outside my inner darkness and self-loathing. 

I don't understand really how I transitioned to this better place.  But I can live here, with the regret that I didn't do the things that might have led to his recovery.  I wish I could have a "do over" but I can live with my sorrow now.  

Gail

 

[Meloncholy]

I think suicidal thoughts occur to most of us in the early days.  It takes much time to process their death and begin to adjust to living alone, discovering who we are instead of just viewing ourselves as half of a whole or incomplete, even while understanding that nothing will be a good as the 'team" that we were together!  That is a battle I think we face the rest of our lives.  No it's not fun, I'm sorry any of us are going through this.  I wish all of us could have gone at the same time as our partner, although in small children's case that would not be good, even with adult children it might be hard but they'd get through it, much better than we are!

It has been 6 months and I am trying to get my act together by getting out some, making myself go eat in a restaurant alone just to feel like I have some company, going to work....but today I had to go to probate court to finalize his will and it was just like closing that door for the last time. I sobbed, screamed and fell apart. A really dear friend sent me flowers and it had a yellow rose which was what my love always got me and the waterworks started again. I am so sorry we are all on the sad,lonely path[emoji22]


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

[KayC]

2 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I've got to be honest.  I do not care for the term "let/letting go" because for me it's too much like "just get over it."

Me too, if we do any changing it has to be natural over time as it's a process, not contrived because someone else thinks or says to.  We get used to things gradually...or not.  No one should be telling us what to do or how to handle it.  We can offer each other suggestions/ideas, but realizing all the while, we do things our way in our time.

[Gail 8588]

I think we all look for and find comfort in many places.  Some times a passage will not resonate with someone at all, then 6 months later they read it again and find it very insightful and comforting.  

Our journeys are unique, including where we find comfort. 

Gail

[Dawn Wms]

@BBB, I saw your post yesterday.  I thought, if I just change the pronouns and switch the word from "wife" to "husband," I could have written it.  I have thought about suicide every day for the nearly nine months that I have been without him.  Of course, we are all entitled to our beliefs, but I do not think it is a sin.  I think it is the result of not being able to overcome the pain.  I have also always been depressed.  I have been happy and joyful and grateful, but my brain chemistry is simply such, that I am prone to a depressed mood.  I also have taken medication for this since I was in my early twenties (about 25 years).  My husband, our love, our life kept me going through the hard times.  And now, in my grief, I long for his comfort and yet, his absence is the cause of my grief.  I am incredibly lonely and hurting.  I have good friends and family, but no one can replace his presence in my life.  The feeling of just wanting to die is normal, but I do think there is another level that complicates it for those of us who have always lived with depression.  I don't think the thought or the action of suicide is about right or wrong. It's just a fact of our make-up.   I am also still stuck in disbelief.  It hits me like a dagger in the heart every day.  I know I have to adjust but there is no "letting go" of someone you love dearly.  When it gets down to it, it is a matter of semantics, but I do think the words reflect our attitude.  I'm also not comfortable with "letting go" or "moving on."  For many of us, our grief is incorporated into who we are and we do continue to live.  But don't feel wrong for any of your feelings.   

[jmmosley53]

I have a mountain of guilt about my husband's death.  Because of COVID I wasn't able to be with him the 2 weeks he was in the hospital.  BUT, I day the doctor called and said he would let me in to see if my husband would rally if he saw me.  I drove like a maniac to get to the hospital fast.  Ran to his room and held his hand, and told him I loved him.  He was unable to communicate but his eyes were open, I think he saw me but I don't know.  What causes my guilt is that after he fell asleep, I went home.  I could have stayed one more hour but I was exhausted from crying so much and left.to go home so I could smoke a cigarettes.  That 1 hour could have made a difference, I should have stayed not matter what.  I will never forgive myself.  They never let me in the hospital again. I did call his room every 4 hours and the nurse would hold the phone to his ear so I could tell him I loved him.  He never regained consciousness again.  I few days later he has a massive cardiac arrest.  It took the 20 minutes to revive him.  The doctor told me he had been deprived of oxygen for so long that he would never survive.  I day later he died.  I don't think that hour would have made any difference, but I failed him, by not staying till they threw me out of the ICU.  I am guilty.  

[Trebor222]

15 hours ago, Dawn Wms said:

@BBB, I saw your post yesterday.  I thought, if I just change the pronouns and switch the word from "wife" to "husband," I could have written it.  I have thought about suicide every day for the nearly nine months that I have been without him.  Of course, we are all entitled to our beliefs, but I do not think it is a sin.  I think it is the result of not being able to overcome the pain.  I have also always been depressed.  I have been happy and joyful and grateful, but my brain chemistry is simply such, that I am prone to a depressed mood.  I also have taken medication for this since I was in my early twenties (about 25 years).  My husband, our love, our life kept me going through the hard times.  And now, in my grief, I long for his comfort and yet, his absence is the cause of my grief.  I am incredibly lonely and hurting.  I have good friends and family, but no one can replace his presence in my life.  The feeling of just wanting to die is normal, but I do think there is another level that complicates it for those of us who have always lived with depression.  I don't think the thought or the action of suicide is about right or wrong. It's just a fact of our make-up.   I am also still stuck in disbelief.  It hits me like a dagger in the heart every day.  I know I have to adjust but there is no "letting go" of someone you love dearly.  When it gets down to it, it is a matter of semantics, but I do think the words reflect our attitude.  I'm also not comfortable with "letting go" or "moving on."  For many of us, our grief is incorporated into who we are and we do continue to live.  But don't feel wrong for any of your feelings.   

For Dawn:  Please seek professional help. You can feel better but need a very good doctor to help you. Your emotions are very strong and justified. Depression is a horrific situation and all of us need someone who will work with us because they care for us. Do not try to make it on your own. It feels helpless. Do not take your life. There is joy for you down your long and painful journey, but suicide is not the answer. I suspect you have spoken to a lot of folks you trust. If not then do it. Let them find a good doctor for you. If they haven’t been much help then talk to your priest or pastor. If you do not get help there go to another reputable pastor in your area. Someone will help you through this. Blessings to you. 

[Dawn Wms]

Thank you.

[foreverhis]

On 1/22/2021 at 7:21 PM, Dawn Wms said:

And now, in my grief, I long for his comfort and yet, his absence is the cause of my grief.  I am incredibly lonely and hurting.  I have good friends and family, but no one can replace his presence in my life. 

This is exactly right.  It's what others do not understand.  When the one you turn to for support, comfort, caring, and love is the one who is gone, your whole world has shifted and crumbled.  There are simply no words that can explain it to anyone else and so we are alone in our grief no matter how many people are in the room.

On 1/22/2021 at 7:21 PM, Dawn Wms said:

I have thought about suicide every day for the nearly nine months that I have been without him.  Of course, we are all entitled to our beliefs, but I do not think it is a sin.  I think it is the result of not being able to overcome the pain.  I have also always been depressed.  I have been happy and joyful and grateful, but my brain chemistry is simply such, that I am prone to a depressed mood.  I also have taken medication for this since I was in my early twenties (about 25 years). 

Yes, I do believe that pre-existing depression complicates our grief even more.  It's good that you understand that.  But of course that doesn't make what you're feeling and experiencing any easier.

Before my husband died I had (and still have) what is called situational depression because of my health conditions.  I had/have some depression because of how profoundly they affected my previously healthy, active life.  Mostly my doctor covered that with one of the medications for an auto-immune condition.  I've been taking a 1/2 dose for years, but at full dose it is a standard anti-depressant.  It gave me just enough assistance that I didn't need additional medications for depression--at least not then.  After my husband died, my doctor immediately increased it to the lowest full dose, which he knew would be okay as far as side effects because I really haven't had any at the 1/2 dose.  It's helped quite a bit, along with alprazolam for anxiety and to help with sleep.

I assume you've talked to your doctors?  It sounds like you may need an adjustment in medications or dosage, at least for now.  Please, if you have consulted with them and it hasn't made a difference or if you haven't talked to them, I urge you--strongly urge you--to do so as soon as you can.  It sounds like you are in danger of falling so far down into the dark pit of grief that you may not be able to find your way out.  After 2-1/2 years, I can say that I'm glad I didn't let that happen, as it so easily could have.  No, I am not "over it" and I haven't "moved on," but I am slowly moving forward, taking my love, our life and memories, and everything about him with me as I learn how to carry my grief as part of my life.  For well over a year, I was certain there were times I would die from my broken heart.  My grief was so heavy, it crushed me under its weight.  Of course there are still days that feel that way, but there are also days with some light and hope, and I have learned to embrace those times when they happen.

I do not believe suicide is a sin because we cannot know what is in another person's mind and heart, it is not our place to judge, and I do not believe a loving God would judge that as unforgivable.  I did think about just ending it all in the early months, but I never had any specific plans or anything. It was more a vague acknowledgment that I didn't know how to and didn't want to live without my love.  But each day when I get out of bed, breathe in and out, get dressed, and try to do "something" at some point in the day, I consider it a win.  I do it each day at a time, trying to not look forward too far as that makes my depression worse.

Please, please take our words to heart.  I do not believe suicide is the answer and I do believe you need to reach out to your doctors for help immediately.  And know that we are here to listen.  We understand each other in ways the people in our lives simply cannot.  When you are here, you are not alone. Your grief is yours alone, but we are all walking our own paths on the same road together.

((HUGS))

[Roxeanne]

On 23/1/2021 at 1:08 AM, MikeyD said:

Letting go does not mean just get over it. It means let go of all the negative feelings we have over the grief. That’s what the meaning is if you read the lines. I will always feel the pain but what this site has taught me is to look ahead  because that’s the only path we can take.  If we stay on a negative track it helps no one. 

Yes Mike i know is the right thing to do...let go the negative feelings!

And it's an incredible help do this: 'cos you know we live and we die, sometimes it's weird say that...it's  normal in life, everything not only everyone is destined to disappear

Even our beautiful star, the Sun someday will explode!

But sometimes our grief is the only emotional thing we have now in a life suddenly become empty lonely sad  and boring

.

[KayC]

I agree with the reaching out to doctors for help.  It does not mean there's a flaw in us because we're battling depression, as long as we struggle with it we have not given in to it fully!  I'm battling the battle today, right along with you, I want to say it is good and hopeful that you can talk about it here, to us.  We care and want to see you through...believe in hope even when you cannot see it.  That is faith.  Faith in not made of "lack of struggle" but rather struggling right through it even when you least feel it.  

[foreverhis]

8 hours ago, KayC said:

That is faith.

As you know, Kay, I am not a Biblical scholar by any means, but I have always loved Hebrews 11:1, Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.  Before I met him, I hoped some day to meet my soulmate.  I have faith that though I cannot see John today, he is just beyond this world in the mysterious, wondrous next one. 

[Dawn Wms]

Thank you to everyone for reassuring words.  I have seen a doctor and take the same medications that I was always on, but she has been hesitant to give me something to help with sleep.  And sleep is a problem.  I can't sleep at night, but I still have to get up to work and so I am always tired and spent my afternoons and evenings again doing nothing because I have no energy.  I may have to be more direct with her or find a new doctor.  

[Missy1]

@BBB I hear you, I feel so much the same! We have similar background, my husband saved me, I was searching for love and was hurt, abused and done....suicidal. I met him by chance, sat next to me, our connection was pure love, we met, never questioned the criteria about my past or his. We found each other, soulmates, it’s was an intense, instant connection that was so deep, we were both in awe and head over heals in love.

Tonight I went searching for any voice emails he has ever left me.  Mostly we texted each other and called each other, minimum once a day for calls and texted all day. I found a few voice messages and I’m saving them off but it makes me feel like our our life was so real, just to hear him, this really happened, I think my brain is trying to push it all away.

[Dawn Wms]

Before I met him, I was lonely and mostly depressed, but I managed.  With him, I still dealt with depression, but it was different.  I didn't feel alone in my depression,even if he couldn't really fix it.  I just knew there was someone there for me.  I never would have killed myself with him here.  Without him, though, I just don't know.  It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but it is also way more painful.  I can't believe that I endure this pain without simply dying from it.

[KayC]

22 hours ago, foreverhis said:

As you know, Kay, I am not a Biblical scholar by any means, but I have always loved Hebrews 11:1, Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.  Before I met him, I hoped some day to meet my soulmate.  I have faith that though I cannot see John today, he is just beyond this world in the mysterious, wondrous next one. 

That's how I feel.  I think of Hebrews 11:1 as stating the definition of faith, I've never heard a better description of it.  When George used to go on a trip across the states, I'd wait for him to come back...now it's just the longest waiting period of my life.  I have faith in his/our love, faith we'll be together again.

Anyone think I'm wrong??  Please don't tell me!  I need that hope, faith, whatever you want to call it!

21 hours ago, Dawn Wms said:

Thank you to everyone for reassuring words.  I have seen a doctor and take the same medications that I was always on, but she has been hesitant to give me something to help with sleep.  And sleep is a problem.  I can't sleep at night, but I still have to get up to work and so I am always tired and spent my afternoons and evenings again doing nothing because I have no energy.  I may have to be more direct with her or find a new doctor.  

I don't understand as most doctors will help esp. if we've tried Melatonin and it doesn't work for us.  Sleep is essential.  Yes, persist and if she won't oblige, she must not understand how far reaching is grief and how essential is getting sleep!  In those early days I often slept only an hour or two.  It was VERY hard to function at work!

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Dawn Wms said:

is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but it is also way more painful.

Right now it is, but there will come a day when those same memories will bring you a smile and comfort.  It just takes a while to get there.

[Anaana]

BBB, 

I did not have suicidal thoughts but I have been a cancer patient and I kept having anxiety attacks thinking it has come back, and he was the only person who could moderately calm me, he used to make jokes to make me feel better, he made me forget it for a while. He hugged me and he just squished the anxiety away. He was really tall and Im short. I would get lost in this hug. Forget any worry. Now I'm empty, I hug my friends and my parents but it's not the same. And I'm terrified, because it's been only 2 days. I'm terrified of what is to come. 

[rte148]

I hear you.  My wife of 28 years were the control rods of my reactor.  Yeah, we were co-dependent, but we kept each other on a running tack through the $*@#.

Where do I go from here.  Kinda hard to say that in the singular now that I can't say "where do WE go from here".

I'm trying to wrap my head around this and I don't have any family or friends anymore to reach out to anymore.  But here, I hope.

You're still in the game by expressing yourself.  Give it some time.  I will if you do.  This sucks, it is horrible, and I'm not sure that I do want to feel better, but until then, why not give it a chance.  The alternative is final.

[Missy1]

@rte148 you have found a very special place here, we are all in different places, some barely holding on, others seeing the light starting to come through this darkness. I am so sorry for your loss. It is very difficult to comprehend and even more difficult to accept. I still don’t accept it and feel angry and miserable, one year ago tomorrow and I have cried every day. 
People try, but they can’t understand what this Is like, losing your core, feeling devastated each day. 
Try to take and hold on to the best of times and honor her with your life. It’s easier said than done, for sure.

Be kind to yourself and take small steps and let yourself feel and grieve the way you need to, no one here judges we are all on the same path.

[Anaana]

On 26/01/2021 at 10:31 PM, KayC said:

When George used to go on a trip across the states, I'd wait for him to come back...now it's just the longest waiting period of my life.  

I feel so too, I missed him so much when he went away for a few days, and this is unbearable. But it's 1000 times worse because I don't believe we will be together again. It's just waiting without purpose. Standing still waiting while life goes on 

[KayC]

16 hours ago, rte148 said:

Where do I go from here.

I've read your posts, I am so sorry that once again someone else has to go through this.  It's been 15 1/2 years since I lost my husband, I didn't see how I could live without him for a WEEK!  I didn't have a clue where to start, I was caught off guard, thought we had years left together, he was way too young!  His birthday banner still up from his 51st birthday five days earlier.  People can't possibly get it if they haven't been through it.  All our friends disappeared overnight.  I was alone.

I'm glad you found this place, there are a lot of caring people here that do "get it."

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[KayC]

9 hours ago, Anaana said:

But it's 1000 times worse because I don't believe we will be together again.

You don't have to have religion to open your heart to the hope of being with them, I personally feel it was a miraculous fate we ever found each other and I'm not one to believe fate all that much as our choices do enter in but I've found that watching videos of the galaxies beyond helps increase our feeling of being part of something bigger, we found each other once, we will again.  Just don't close your heart to the possibility...

Personally, if you all know something else and I'm wrong...don't tell me, I NEED that hope!  It's all I have to cling to.

[Sparky1]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

You don't have to have religion to open your heart to the hope of being with them, I personally feel it was a miraculous fate we ever found each other and I'm not one to believe fate all that much as our choices do enter in but I've found that watching videos of the galaxies beyond helps increase our feeling of being part of something bigger, we found each other once, we will again.  Just don't close your heart to the possibility...

Personally, if you all know something else and I'm wrong...don't tell me, I NEED that hope!  It's all I have to cling to.

You know, I've been thinking about the relationship I had with my wife and realized that we were destined to meet and to be together. To me this means that although she is gone, we are still meant to be together when I pass on. I do believe that we do continue on, this is my hope as well and it gives me comfort. It's just that us that our still here have an indeterminate wait to reunite with our loved ones.

[BBB]

We all have and are entitled to our own beliefs

 

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

You know, I've been thinking about the relationship I had with my wife and realized that we were destined to meet and to be together. To me this means that although she is gone, we are still meant to be together when I pass on. I do believe that we do continue on, this is my hope as well and it gives me comfort. It's just that us that our still here have an indeterminate wait to reunite with our loved ones.

 

3 hours ago, BBB said:

We all have and are entitled to our own beliefs

 

While I relate to what Sparky1 says here, as it is my outlook also, of COURSE everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, BBB!  I am portraying my OWN outlook, not trying to convince you of anything!  Believe what you want to believe.  I have a dear friend of six years from another grief forum, she doesn't believe there's anything beyond death and it grieves her that she won't see her Steve again.  THAT is when I tell people to consider looking at videos of galaxies beyond, when we view the vastness of what is, it helps us realize we are not no man's island, we are part of something...you can take that to mean whatever you want.  It helps to have hope is all.

[Cindyd]

I'm exactly in the same boat. He was the best medicine for a life long battle with depression and anxiety.  He knew me and he knew how to help me and now that's gone. I'm scared. I had the only happy years I've ever had with him and because of him.  Its only been six weeks since he died. Everyday I wish I could follow him Where ever he's at even if he's no where. I have a lifetime to go on..

[Gail 8588]

For many of us, the difficult reality is that our lives will be much more difficult without our partner.  I know mine is. It is clear Kay's is. I am sure it is a fact that many of us eventually have to address. 

In my early grief, and in the years of zombie existence that followed, I wanted my old life back in part because it worked, I could navigate life with John. If I couldn't have that life back, I just wanted to die, because it was all too hard and scary without him. 

Eventually I made it to a place where I am working to  establish new safety nets for myself.  It is hard.  I wish I still had John with me as we could get through anything together.  But I am finding ways to navigate life without him.  And although life is harder for me alone, I am no longer a zombie cut off from the world.  I am living again, and it really does feel good to be alive. 

Keep the faith that you will feel better than you do now, if you just keep going. 

Gail

[BBB]

I'm in zombie state currently and it's not fun

 

[Gail 8588]

BBB, 

Oh, I know it is not fun.  I was truly at the end of my rope at 3 years.  I could  not go on. I really think if nothing changed I would have killed myself.  I could not endure the pain any longer. 

Somehow - I don't know how - something broke in me and I was able to  rejoin the living.  It wasn't immediate, but there was something fundamentally different.  I wanted to find a new way to live -to be alive - knowing it would be without John.

I have no idea why it didn't occur 2 years earlier, as I was lost in terrible pain then too.  I have no explanation.  It just happened. 

Hoping you rejoin life sooner than I did. 

Gail 

[Roxeanne]

1 hour ago, Gail 8588 said:

For many of us, the difficult reality is that our lives will be much more difficult without our partner.  

Gail i agree...we dream lifelong to find our soulmate, someone to share everything with..

it was a miracle we met them!

And now we have lost them!

And our life is hard, really hard...after despair and raw sorrow, i am resigned that my life will be no more so beautiful and easy.

But i can't help but hope again