Members Karelle Posted January 18, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 18, 2021 Hello, I am 20 and lost my mom two days ago and the circumstances have made it especially hard... For a little bit of backstory my dad has ALS which is a very difficult degenerative disease which left him immobile on a wheelchair. He needs a lot of care and our lives have changed drastically. He suffers a lot because of it and so do we, we're almost waiting for him to pass to alleviate his pain and for him to rest. The person who has been taking care of him the most is mom. Her life wasnt hers anymore. She sacrificed everything to take care of her family and sick husband. She was the one making everything a tiny bit easier. She played every role in my life : mom dad chauffeur sister... About 10 days ago she got covid. She seemed fine, she was confined it her room and she would text me every day. Later on she got unwell and hospitalized. I directly felt this was gonna happen and started crying. Everyone told me its just hospital she won't die but I felt this was going to happen. One night I couldn't sleep until 7AM. I started talking to her in my head, telling her mom please don't go we need you, stay. I get woken up a couple of hours later by my brothers telling me she passed. I was expecting it but I was still so shocked. I feel so alone. I feel cursed. I am the youngest of four kids, they're all proper adults with their lives figured out, I'm still an irresponsible kid who knows nothing. I have always been so jealous of my sister because she always had everything I didnt : the looks the success the love the gifts the car the room the everything, she was my parents perfect child and I am the black sheep of the fam... and now I find myself unconsciously hating her because my mom, dad and grandma were at her wedding and I know they wont be at mine. Because she has a kid and my mom loved him so so so so much. She wont be here to love my kids and teach me how to be a mom. I have no one to guide me. I am devastated, angry, lost. I have a history of depression and suicidal tendencies that no one in my family knows about because no one really knows me. So no one knows how triggering these times are for me. Its one thing to have my dad be so sick that he's just not the dad I knew anymore, its one thing to lose mom, but now I'm all alone and I miss her so much she was the only thing I had in this horrible situation. I find myself almost forgetting she's gone. I wake up from naps still numb and then I remember what happened and it hits me all over again. I am so worried about life, my mom had so many plans for me and she told me she knows she hasnt taken care of me enough (the way she took care of my siblings) but that she has plans for me and she will fix everything. That's all gone now. I just felt like putting all of this somewhere just to get it off my chest, sorry for the long text. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Trikwuchi Posted January 20, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 20, 2021 On 1/18/2021 at 1:13 PM, Karelle said: Hello, I am 20 and lost my mom two days ago and the circumstances have made it especially hard... For a little bit of backstory my dad has ALS which is a very difficult degenerative disease which left him immobile on a wheelchair. He needs a lot of care and our lives have changed drastically. He suffers a lot because of it and so do we, we're almost waiting for him to pass to alleviate his pain and for him to rest. The person who has been taking care of him the most is mom. Her life wasnt hers anymore. She sacrificed everything to take care of her family and sick husband. She was the one making everything a tiny bit easier. She played every role in my life : mom dad chauffeur sister... About 10 days ago she got covid. She seemed fine, she was confined it her room and she would text me every day. Later on she got unwell and hospitalized. I directly felt this was gonna happen and started crying. Everyone told me its just hospital she won't die but I felt this was going to happen. One night I couldn't sleep until 7AM. I started talking to her in my head, telling her mom please don't go we need you, stay. I get woken up a couple of hours later by my brothers telling me she passed. I was expecting it but I was still so shocked. I feel so alone. I feel cursed. I am the youngest of four kids, they're all proper adults with their lives figured out, I'm still an irresponsible kid who knows nothing. I have always been so jealous of my sister because she always had everything I didnt : the looks the success the love the gifts the car the room the everything, she was my parents perfect child and I am the black sheep of the fam... and now I find myself unconsciously hating her because my mom, dad and grandma were at her wedding and I know they wont be at mine. Because she has a kid and my mom loved him so so so so much. She wont be here to love my kids and teach me how to be a mom. I have no one to guide me. I am devastated, angry, lost. I have a history of depression and suicidal tendencies that no one in my family knows about because no one really knows me. So no one knows how triggering these times are for me. Its one thing to have my dad be so sick that he's just not the dad I knew anymore, its one thing to lose mom, but now I'm all alone and I miss her so much she was the only thing I had in this horrible situation. I find myself almost forgetting she's gone. I wake up from naps still numb and then I remember what happened and it hits me all over again. I am so worried about life, my mom had so many plans for me and she told me she knows she hasnt taken care of me enough (the way she took care of my siblings) but that she has plans for me and she will fix everything. That's all gone now. I just felt like putting all of this somewhere just to get it off my chest, sorry for the long text. I'm so sorry for your loss. I have a daughter your age...I can't imagine how hard it must be for you. I lost my mum this year and its devastating. Like your mum...she looked after my dad and did so much for him. We're all crushed.. I hope you have some family or other support. Even though your mum is gone...she'll never leave your heart. She will forever be looking over you...please know that thevpson will ease over time and you can one day smile again. Reach our if you need to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members reader Posted January 21, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 21, 2021 Dear Karelle, I am so sorry for your loss. It is deeply painful to lose a beloved parent. It sounds like your mom was the rock of the family and loved you all so much. Please don’t be sorry about your long text. Know that you can write as much as you want to us. It’s so important to express our feelings. I hope you can find some additional supports in the community or through church during this sad and difficult time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Karelle Posted January 21, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted January 21, 2021 16 hours ago, Trikwuchi said: I'm so sorry for your loss. I have a daughter your age...I can't imagine how hard it must be for you. 8 hours ago, reader said: Dear Karelle, I am so sorry for your loss. It is deeply painful to lose a beloved parent. Thank you so much for your support and understanding. It is extremely hard... right now I miss the food she used to cook. Some relatives are sending us some of their meals but nothing tastes like hers and it's breaking my heart I'll never eat my favorite meals ever again. I'm so lost and confused, it's like I had a plan for the next 5 years of my life and now it's all gone. She was my lighthouse in the storm. I don't know how anything works in life and I didn't need to, she took care of everything. I've been dissociating a lot since my mom passed. At the funeral I didn't even cry because I had distanced myself so much from the moment that it wasn't even real anymore. It must be some kind of defense mechanism but every time there's an emotional moment about my mom and everyone starts to cry I just block everything and dissociate from reality like if I'm watching this scene from afar. Because of the huge age difference with my siblings they really don't know me. We didn't exactly "grow up together" since they were all in a different stage of life. They don't understand I have a social anxiety problem and make me do stuff I don't want to do like speak to a lawyer or to a hospital on the phone. I start crying every time they do that because my mom understood I have a problem but they don't. When they used to boss me around, I just went to mom and she would tell me don't listen to them. But now that she's gone and they're the ones in charge I don't have a say in anything. I feel like I'm doomed to be miserable for the rest of my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Trikwuchi Posted January 21, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 21, 2021 My heart aches for you. Have you tried to access counselling? I really think it would help. Counsellors are working remotely vi's phone and zoom at the moment. I'm sorry your siblings don't understand you and the issues you're dealing with. I would think they would deal with the lawyers etc being older. Take care Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members reader Posted January 21, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 21, 2021 Dear Karelle, (((hugs))) It is an extremely raw time. It is normal to miss your mom's cooking and have all these worries for the future. But I want you to keep taking it day by day. I know it feels like nothing will ever feel right again, but be gentle with yourself. I remember one counsellor telling me it would take around 18 months for the intense feelings to lessen. Grief is a very long and tough journey. It's hard when friends and family aren't showing enough care and compassion, so I hope you'll reach out and see what community supports there. Please know we are with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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