like a wound that keeps opening

[Ken H]

I lost Mom in September.  I work where she lived (a retirement independent living facility) and at this point I've noticed that I am becoming where I get many times the overwhelming feeling that she is gone It's like someone punched me in the stomach taking the air away and at the same time a profound sadness.  Seems to hit me at night.  Everywhere I look I'm reminded of places I took Mom, It doesn't hit me so much at work but I always wonder did I say the words I needed to say to her when she was in her last hours.  I was very close to her and all I can say is losing a parent is nothing less than devastating and it's something I wouldn't wish on my worse enemy.  Funny thing is it has hit me more in the past few weeks then immediately after she passed.  I hold no grudges towards the caregivers and hospice nurses who took such good care of her and I know I could not prevent the inevitable (she was 90) but as I said I still have the what if questions.  I have family who lives out of state and has been concerned with only money and what was their "fair share".  Being the executor I have fulfilled those obligations so now they seem to have swept the death of her under the rug leaving me to just stand there and handle this on my own.  Not once have they asked how I'm doing in handling it.  Maybe I'm selfish for thinking they should but I am fortunately blessed with good friends who have been there.  I never let them see me break down or have one of those sad moments.  I've always been someone who thinks they can handle everything on my own.  Yes, both the care giving team and hospice team let me know they'd keep in touch to see how I was doing.  I got one call from each immediately after her death and then nothing.  At this point I'm realizing I'm in this boat alone and will eventually get through the storm but keep wondering how long this will last. I guess my question is, is this a normal process of grieving even after almost 4 months and also what coping skills could help (meditation, etc.)   

[tessa]

Hi Ken,
I'm so sorry for your loss.
How long grieving last is an individual thing. For me, the first year was awful.
What I did was I kept busy. Doing activities kept my mind off reality. I kept looking for activities to fill the hole left behind.
The relos disappearing is normal. Only real friends stick by us when times are hard.
You'll be fine. Just take one day at a time.

[Ken H]

Thanks Tessa!  Yes, I find when I'm kept busy I am able to keep my mind off the loss better.  I think it seems to hit me at night the hardest when I'm alone and my mind tries to play back memories of Mom.  I know this sounds odd but I want to always keep the memories alive in my heart.  I just right now want to keep them aside and think of them at a later time when I feel I'm ready emotionally.  I agree like you said that real friends stick by us when times are hard and I've been blessed with a neighbor friend who in the past years has become my best friend over time and she has been by my side the entire way both during my Moms decline, and in her passing and I am very close to both her and her family (as mentioned my family has taken a back seat in all of this unless it was regarding money of Moms) so to have a friend like this is to me God's way of sending an angel to help watch over me and help ease the burden. I've learned losing Mom was like a deep wound that has many layers that have to heal with time.  Sometimes the wound is open and it can be hell but the mind also helps to "file things away" and go on.  One thing I'll agree with many who experience a deep loss is that it is very exhausting so I'm making sure to just get enough rest and even taking some day trips away to regroup.  Thank you again for your support!!

[Monty]

Ken H,

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Grief has no timeline and I have heard it explained that it comes in waves and I think this is true. There is so much for us to comprehend, understand and process that our minds only let us think about certain things at one time and then the next wave hits.

I think it is nice that you think of your Mum to help keep her alive in your memories. Maybe you could write some of these memories down. That way you can free up thinking space in your mind.

Grief is lonely even when we have others around us. I find my siblings and I are dealing with our grief very differently which makes it difficult at times and feels lonely. I also feel like I am in a boat trying to weather the storm. 

Lean on your good, true friends. Your are not alone. People on this forum understand you and your pain. Take care and be kind you yourself.