My brother killed my mom

[Lostwithouther529]

Hello, my mother was killed by brother towards the end of November. I have so many different feelings that I feel like I am going insane. My mother was my everything she was the most loving and happy person you could ever meet. Without knowing you she would give you a huge hug and a kiss in the cheeks . Of course pre-covid. 

I wouldnt ever imagine that my own brother could have done this. The last time i spoke to my mom she seemed reluctant to go home that day. Which I didn’t blame her for about three moms months my brother was staying at my moms house and they weren’t getting along my brother came with his newborn baby boy and the babies mother and stayed until he can get a job and support for his family. Shortly after my brother‘s girlfriend was feeling suffocated and decided to go back to her mothers house in another state for a couple of days long story short my brother stayed with his son for approximately three months until she came with authorities and took the baby. Saying that my brother was devastated was an understatement his moods became erratic the things he was saying he was saying just didn’t really make any sense during the time that he had the baby he was very overprotective He never really liked anyone holding the baby for longer than five minutes he seem to have something towards my mother. Let me interject by saying that my brother has been hospitalized for psychotic episodes he has not been formally diagnosed but if I had to think of anything it would be schizophrenia. The symptoms that he experienced on his past hospitalization included auditory and visual hallucinations.

To continue after the baby left he was very secluded sad I am different emotions all at once one day I spoke to my mom telling her to come to my home to spend time with me and the kids she was acting a little weird that day but I didn’t think too much of it and stood late at night I sent her a message explaining that I was going to drop off one of my kids at her home she immediately saw the message and called me she explained to me that she has the devil in her house I asked her what does she mean she said your brother for the first time was walking naked in the house and telling me that he was the devil and to kneal.

As the religious person that she is she threw holy water and told him she wasn’t scared of him later on she found out that he burned and broke all of her religious Items she was stuck in her room the whole day on ThanksgivingAs the next day came by and dropped off my daughter and told my mother goodbye and hugged her for the last time I went to work until later in the afternoon she called me and told me she wasn’t at her home she didn’t want to be near him I told her to stay out as much as she can and that she’s welcome to come to my home .according to the timeline,

My brother was waiting for her  apxsiated her with a black bag choked her using cables and stabbed her neck.

This image is what I see constantly. I miss my mom so much, I cant talk to her see her or hug her anymore. I am so lost without her. Im in therapy , on antidepressant meds and i feel so empty.

I dont want to keep feeling like this, my heart hurts so much. I just want to hold her and apologize for not trying hard enough, she was alone , no one there that loved her. She died all alone, that breaks my heart. I dont know what to do. I have tried finding grief groups with no success but i came accross this forum to see if I can get any guidance/support. I am sorry for the graphic details and the long message.

Thank you 

[reader]

Dear Lostwithouther59,

(((hugs))) I am so sorry to hear what happened. Please know you can share as much or as little you want with us. It is important to get support after such a traumatic and painful loss. I want to suggest the following sites for additional supports:

GriefShare

Grief in Common - offer Zoom sessions for individuals and groups.

What's Your Grief

I don't know where you live but I would hope there is a additional grief support in the community or through church.

What happened is unimaginable. I hope you can find the additional love and support and guidance during this very sad and difficult time. 

Sending all my thoughts and prayers to you and your family. 

[Karelle]

I'm so sorry, not only for your loss but for the way it happened too. I am sorry you had to endure the consequences of your brother's mental illness. I have lost my mom about two days ago and I know what it's like to feel "lost without her"

Sending you all the love ❤ and listen, I am not really religious and I don't know if you are. But since your mom is religious (so is mine) you should try to comfort yourself in prayers and church. It's what she would have wanted.

[Lostwithouther529]

On 1/18/2021 at 12:01 AM, reader said:

Dear Lostwithouther59,

(((hugs))) I am so sorry to hear what happened. Please know you can share as much or as little you want with us. It is important to get support after such a traumatic and painful loss. I want to suggest the following sites for additional supports:

GriefShare

Grief in Common - offer Zoom sessions for individuals and groups.

What's Your Grief

I don't know where you live but I would hope there is a additional grief support in the community or through church.

What happened is unimaginable. I hope you can find the additional love and support and guidance during this very sad and difficult time. 

Sending all my thoughts and prayers to you and your family. 

I appreciate the extra resources. With the pandemic its hard to find anything close around my area. When i finally did they stated that I was the only one participating and wont be able to continue a group session. I just want to know how others have coped as well in similar situations.

[Lostwithouther529]

On 1/18/2021 at 8:36 AM, Karelle said:

I'm so sorry, not only for your loss but for the way it happened too. I am sorry you had to endure the consequences of your brother's mental illness. I have lost my mom about two days ago and I know what it's like to feel "lost without her"

Sending you all the love ❤ and listen, I am not really religious and I don't know if you are. But since your mom is religious (so is mine) you should try to comfort yourself in prayers and church. It's what she would have wanted.

Im sorry for your loss. Its hard to imagine that I wont be getting phone calls from her anymore. Weirdly enough as Im not that religious. I have been streaming my locals church sunday mass and listening to her favorite daily prayer in youtube. Just to feel somewhat close to her. I cried so much this morning, when commuting to work, I have this sense if hurt come out of nowhere, and I just cant stop crying when i think of her. I feel like part of me died . I miss her

[lostwithoutmymom84]

Hello-

My younger brother murdered my mother two weeks ago and I did a quick google search to see what I would find. I didn’t know if anyone else experienced such a traumatic and painful loss as well.

I am so sad, angry, and confused. My mother was the most giving and loving person. We had her service today and all I keep thinking is “what now?”. 

[Ksbe]

I am so sorry. That is a very hard situation to go through. Sending u love. Remember to breathe and try to take each day moment by moment. If your brain is getting frantic to find answers.. Understand that that is natural, but some things u may never figure out or understand. Be gentle with yourself. 

[tamethedragon]

Hey lostwithouther529 and lostwithoutmymom84!
I share your experience. My brother killed my mother when I was 20, that's 18 years ago now, due to an LSD-induced psychosis. I believe these kinds of situations are always very individually different, but maybe I have some pointers for you, as I'm currently in a phase of deep processing that I was not able to conduct until this point in my life. Losing a loved one is always horrible, but if it's murder within the family it reaches a next level.

Very general: you are likely to be suffering from a form of PTSD now. In my case it is complex high-functioning PTSD. If you do web searches, you'll find more info on that. I highly recommend you see a specialized trauma therapist as a first step. Family is the unit where we should normally feel safe. In my family there was always a lot of fighting and my mom was a very complicated person who herself suffered from mental disorders, but nonetheless I could rely on the safety that everybody was there.

This safety was completely nuked due to this event. If there's murder within the social unit that is the main giver of safety in your psychological system, it can get obliterated. I only realized this years later, but maybe you can explore your in your emotions if this applies to you too in some variant. In my case, I only feel safe when I'm clubbing and dancing and immerse myself in music.
What kept me relatively high-functioning over the years was doing Yoga three times a week. I do this with Youtube at home, because as part of my symptoms I have difficulties "getting myself out in the world", so to speak. Best thing would be if there's a trauma-related yoga teacher in your area, otherwise try Adriene's PTSD Yoga, the traumasensitive yoga channel or see what else you find that resonates with you. More recently, I also started guided meditations, which is super helpful.

Another thing is that i'm writing down a lot. As this is so long ago, I'm writing to my younger self what he should do in this situation, a half-child half-adult who is left alone by everybody in a situation nobody ever can prepare you for. Sometimes he joins me clubbing and we talk in my head. Must sound strange, but it's really helpful. 

There's a whoooooooole lot of hate towards my dad coming from that, since he directed all his energy to getting my brother healthy and nothing I ever expressed what I wanted and needed was heeded. I'm  containing my hate, he's an old man now and I know that he loves me do death nonetheless, even if I am probably unable to ever forgive him. So: I'm writing letters I never send to my dad to at least get that out of my system and also to my brother, whom I completely avoid, he's out of the forensic psychiatry since 2006. In addition, I'm writing letters to my mom I can't send anywhere, which sucks cause we have some open issues we only slowly began to resolve shortly before her death.

In addition, I'm reading "The body keeps the score" by Bessel van der Kolk, one of the most renowned trauma experts. That really helps me understand what's going on inside of my brain and body and gives me new routes to work with. The clubbing and dancing-as-therpay for instance now makes a lot of sense scientifically, because the pain sits in your body. Dancing for hours helps to release that and also feel myself fully. So one consequence of the book was to direct my energy more consciously towards healing while I'm clubbing, which I realize now I had subconsciously done for years already, but now it's a lot more effective.

If you have people in your life who are in a role where they can take responsibility for you in some way, "use the ressource". I have some friends to whom I can write about how I feel, if the day is particularly bad. It helps sometimes to just get it out and know that someone will listen and to whom your well-being is important. Back when it all happened, my friends were also my age, so nobody could really share much life experience about such an event or offer a wiser perspective. Adults around me mostly communicated expectations they have towards me, but I don't think I was often asked how I was feeling in the aftermath. I still have the impulse to process everything alone, but I'm warming up towards asking for help by now.

Lastly, there's no way to sugar code it: you will feel like **** for a while. And possibly, after that you'll feel nothing for some time. That's all perfectly normal. It takes a long time to heal after trauma of that scope. I can best describe the feeling as if there used to  be a pleasant background noise in my life which is now a disturbing white noise. The good news is, it has changed for the better, and it totally can change for the better for you too!

To sum it up: specific psychotherapy, directed yoga and meditation, self-expression, communication with people involved (unilateral or not, whatever works for you), understanding the science behind what's going on with you and connecting to the people who love you and dare to ask them for help, and consciously be aware of it that you'll need time. That kinda does the trick for me to feel half-normal by now.

I really hope this helps you somehow, in some way. Beware that there are no universal solutions, except for therapy as a part of it. Find what works for you, we're all very different individuals.

I'm sending you both the same kind of hug that I'm giving my younger self when we are together and wish you a lot of strength! If you can find out how to get better, you will! About that I'm 100% certain. 

[Souvenir]

That is such a lovely response @tamethedragon to these two girls who lost their mum. A lot resonated with me (the workaholic behaviour, dancing, clubbing) so I have just ordered the book you recommended! I quite often search ‘my brother murdered my dad’ looking for people who have experienced the same - it’s a niche loss that is full of shame and regret with so many layers to unpack - the violence, the hatred, so many questions unanswered that have to go into the ‘mental illness’ box that’s full of years of their weird behaviours. Music and riding my bike is my therapy. Have you got any advice about how to tell people? communicating it to my friends and acquaintances is the hardest. I feel like I have a dirty secret and I want the world to know but at the same time I don’t want to be judged wrongly (and I’m sure it’ll be a conversation stopper). 

[Searchingforsomeone]

Hi, 

My brother murdered my mother april 21 2021. He beat her to death with a hammer and rolled her body up in the living room area rug. He had just been recently discharged from a hospital because of a psychotic episode where he was hallucinating. I feel alone as well. I have been searching for someone who I can talk to about this. For someone to understand. 

[StormySeas]

My brother shot and killed our dad in April 2022. I, like every other commenter, am so shell shocked and heartbroken to see that anyone else shares my pain, but I am still relieved to have found some others who can understand the turmoil. 
 

Would anyone be interested participating in a discord group for us to connect?

[Fullmoonfire11]

I am very sorry for your loss.  My brother beat and stabbed my mother to death 3wks ago and I found her body.  I’m searching the internet for more people like us and came across your story - please reach out if u want to talk. 

[Marsha581]

hi

this thread is old but I felt like it wouldn’t hurt to share my story also. I have never thought to Google this topic it is comforting to know I’m not alone, though.

But the way I felt your whole story in my soul… ugh. 

my mom was also killed by my brother in 2016, I was 18.  He started having psychotic episodes when he was about 17 and I was 14. My parents forgot about me and only focused only on getting him better. At the time I was so sure that’s what was necessary though, that they didn’t have a choice. I never was mad at my parents though because I just wanted my brother back. That caused a lot of issues for me without me even realizing it. 
 

My brother slit his throat (twice) stabbed him self in the chest and eye when I was in the next room over, I saw him after and all of the blood and aftermath. I saw him being pulled out on a stretcher twice the second time he absolutely looked grey and dead… but both times my mom was the one who saved him. Also saw the aftermath of him taking a whole bottle of pills on a different occasion (my mom saved him then too) than finally he stabbed her to death a couple months after that. 53 times to be exact. Oh and not to mention my parents had just gotten divorced and my mom and I had just moved to start her a new life 6 months prior. My dad cheated on her and wanted a divorce after almost 30 years of marriage 

 

I got into save my angel 😇 momma mode and our relationship was finally starting to shift after me being a shitty teenager to us being friends. My brother was only here to visit and had a flight back to my dad (emotionally abusive alcoholic cheater) the next day. I begged to have him kept in a hospital, nobody listened and when he was hospitalized it wasn’t for long enough for any kind of significant improvement. 
 

It was a moral struggle sometimes wondering why it had to be my mom, my dad treated us all like **** most of the time but of course I wanted neither of them dead, especially not at the hands of their own child.

 

this was in 2016. Fast forward to today I have worked very hard to deal with my feelings and grief so I could stop drowning it all out with drugs and alcohol. But I’m not gonna lie, I did go down that dark road for a while. I thought it would help, it didn’t help prob made **** worse. I’m in the career I’ve always wanted to be in now, I’m engaged, own an house and I feel at peace. I don’t speak to my brother and I miss my mom so so so much every day. I try to just do what would have made her proud and that seems to help 

 

emdr therapy has also helped much more than I ever could have imagined. The nightmares stopped and I felt a lot less doom and hopelessness. Today I feel so grateful for all that I have still. And I remember how unfair life has seemed at times and how angry I was for feeling like why us. Why my family? But mostly I like to believe my soul and my moms soul will find each other again, for now I have work to do here and others to hopefully help ultimately. 

i hope you find your peace soon. I’m here to talk if you ever want to. Sending all the love. 🤗

[KayC]

I am so sorry you went through all this.  I no longer question why I had to go through the dysfunction of my birth family but I got counseling the first half of my life and am finally at peace and realize that some people just have a different path than others. 

EMDR is good, and I'm so glad you got some help.  You HAVE worked hard and well deserve the life you have made for yourself with your career, your home, and your engagement.  Wishing you the best. And for those who don't know what it is:
EMDR
Psychology Tools, CBT, EMDR
Brainspotting and EMDR

[KayC]

On 12/25/2022 at 3:23 AM, Fullmoonfire11 said:

I am very sorry for your loss.  My brother beat and stabbed my mother to death 3wks ago and I found her body.  I’m searching the internet for more people like us and came across your story - please reach out if u want to talk. 

OMG, I am so sorry!  How horrific!  I hope you also will seek treatment with this:
EMDR
Psychology Tools, CBT, EMDR
Brainspotting and EMDR