Loss of fiancé

[Campdpi]

Hi I’m brand new here.

I lost my fiancé to cancer this past July on his 36th birthday. I was holding him when he past. We fought hard for about a year, even going to Boston for special treatments, but it just wasn’t enough and I lost the love of my life. He truly was absolutely everything to me. His family made things a lot tougher, demanding what they considered ‘his things’ not even 6 hours after he had past. They straight out blamed me for his death and that has messed with me mentally. 

I’m struggling to move forward. I don’t know what to do, I feel empty and hopeless sometimes. I am talking with a therapist, but that takes time. 
 

There are some feeling I feel like I can’t talk to other people about and I bottle them up inside (hurt, rage, frustration, etc.). It’s hard. My friends and family are there when they can be, But they have lives too. So sometimes I am left alone, feeling sad and miserable and I Wish he was here cause he’d hug me So close and tell me everything is Going to be alright. 
 

I know that grief is a process, but it sucks so very hard.

[LoveNeverDies]

I’m so very sorry for your loss. I glad you have a therapist to help you through this. His family sound like they’re pretty cold hearted, how could they blame you for his death?!? Did you have to give them all his things?  
 

I hope you come back and write , people here understand and are very supportive!           ((Huge Hugs ))

[Rashell]

I’m so sorry you have to join us. I lost my boyfriend last week, his family came in 12 hours after he was murdered and cleared out our whole room, including my things, and took our dog. One minute we were sitting watching TV and he went to the store, the next he was gone and I had nothing, not even a bed. I understand how much harder it makes things when you lose every piece of them in a matter of hours. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy and I imagined every thing. These groups have helped me a lot. If you ever need to talk, I am here to listen and share experiences and I am awake at all hours of the night so feel free to message me anytime. 

[Perro J]

My condolences. I too lost my fiancee in July.

I have friends and family I can call - but so often I don't want to "get my sad on them" and I don't reach out. The weekends when I am not working and alone are the most difficult. My mental faculties feel hobbled. There are projects I ought start but I cannot motivate myself to do them. Sorrow seems to demand my free time.

You are not alone in how you feel. That offers some comfort but I know not enough.

May you find solace,

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, Campdpi said:

There are some feeling I feel like I can’t talk to other people about and I bottle them up inside (hurt, rage, frustration, etc.). It’s hard.

Welcome.  I am so very sorry you had a reason to come find us.  The first thing I want to say is that you can talk to us about anything and everything.  Please, do not bottle up everything when you are here.  Spew away!  We all do it when we need to let it out.

Everything you are feeling and thinking and doing is to be expected.  It's only been 6 months and that is very early on the grief journey.  Don't be disheartened and think that you will always be where you are, but it's a long road that takes lots of time. 

Being right there when he died is a huge shock, probably the worst you could experience, so that adds to your pain and grief.  It doesn't matter that he was fighting cancer and that his death wasn't completely unexpected.  Believe me, I know.  I was with my husband when he took his last breath after fighting cancer for nearly 15 months.  I sat there in stunned silence, shocked to my very core.  Let me be as clear as I can possibly be:  You are not to blame for his death. His family is so wrong on so many levels.  You were the one there for him.  You were the one who took care of him. You were the love of his life.  I can't even guess why they have been so horrible to you, but his death is not on you!  Even so, of course their behavior would add yet another layer to your grief and stress.  They aren't worth it!  They simply aren't.

Please, I urge you not to expect to move forward just yet.  Your grief is still raw, new, and all encompassing.  Feeling empty and hopeless at 6 months is so common as to be nearly universal.  I was at 6 months and feeling like that, which is what brought me here. 

Do keep with therapy if you feel comfortable with your therapist.  And don't feel you must stay with someone if you don't "click."  It's so important for you to feel supported, comforted, and helped in therapy.

My heart hurts so much for you to lose your soulmate at such a young age.  It's not fair; none of our losses are fair.  But now that you are here, you are also no longer alone on your journey.  We each walk a unique path, but we are doing it together.

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Campdpi said:

They straight out blamed me for his death and that has messed with me mentally. 

Oh my gosh!  Their families never cease to amaze me!  How horrible!  And knowing they never would have wanted that...my George's family treated me as if nonexistent after he died, no contact...his dad called and badmouthed him to me a year after.  He didn't even bother attending his funeral even though offered a ride!  I told him to call when he had something nice to say (after reminding him how kind George had been to him), he never did.  Years later I learned he passed.  One of his brothers (he was 2nd oldest of 11) wrote from prison wanting his coin collection for HIS son!  I wrote back that he no longer had it but he could have a hospital bill if he wanted something to remind him of George!  George had his own kids and my kids if he had something to pass down, which he did not.  Never heard from him again either.  Unbelievable.  All I could think of is THIS was the family he came from, yet HE turned out to be the most loving caring man I'd ever known!  

12 hours ago, Campdpi said:

There are some feeling I feel like I can’t talk to other people about and I bottle them up inside (hurt, rage, frustration, etc.)

You can express yourself freely here...it's likely stuff we've all felt at some time or another.

 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.