Members geetgeet Posted January 17, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 17, 2021 Within the past 10 years I've suffered a lot of loss. An ex, my grandmother, the best dog I've owned, my mom, my dad (6 months later) and now the love of my life. I lost my boyfriend of 7 years unexpectedly and it hurts 100 times more than all of the mentioned combined. I joke that I'm old hat with loss, but this time it's a whole different pain. I've spent my morning googling for help with grief and loss. Once a week for an hour with a therapist is not enough for me right now. After some googling, I found this place. Before signing up; I poked around and read a lot in this particular forum. I cried. A lot. I also smiled a tiny bit because I was reading stories that resonated with the pain I'm feeling. I have tons of support around me but none that have lost their life partner. No one that I talk to knows, nor do I ever want them to know. Many of them say "I'm sorry, I don't know what to say". I respond "That's okay, I don't know what I want to hear". However, after talking to some people.... I now know things I don't want to hear. Several of those things were covered in a post that I read here! It's still very fresh and raw. Today is day 28. I'm riding that rollercoaster with white knuckles. Just when I think I'm going up hill and having a not so crappy day, a wheel falls off and derails the whole process. I hop back in, buckle up and go for the ride again. We were each others everything. Best friends. Video game partners. Chef and sous chef. Baker and assistant. He hated cleaning toilets, I hate doing dishes. He did the dishes, I cleaned the toilets. We were in the same profession and lead teams to success everyday. There are times that I'm doing something so simple and it hits me; it was his job to do this ______, and now it's my job to do ______. It's so confusing, baffling, unimaginable how I'm going to be able to do everything again without him. I know I'll make it and figure it out. I just don't know when or have a plan. KayC I've printed out your tips, they were very helpful to read and I want to read them again and again. This site https://griefhelp.webs.com/know-someone-grieving struck a chord too. I sure wish I had this 3 weeks ago. Thank you for taking time to read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Diane R. E. Posted January 17, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 17, 2021 Hello geetgeet; I'm so very sorry for your loss, but glad you found your way to this forum. My husband passed away on 10/06/2020 and this forum has helped me tremendously. My husband and I shared different household roles too, and it's taking time to adjust to chores that he always did. As others on this site have said, we will never be without our grief, but in time we will be better able to manage it. Our lives are forever changed, right now we have to take one day at a time. We'll never "get over it", but eventually will find a path to move forward in life. I hope you find some measure of comfort here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 18, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted January 18, 2021 Hello, Geetgeet, I am so sorry that you too are going through this, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I know my George would be so proud of me, this is the hardest journey I've ever had to embark on, I didn't think I could do a week without him and now it's been 15 1/2 years, hard to believe. One day at a time...I still have to do one day at a time and know I will the rest of my life. It's getting harder in some ways as I age without him here, no support esp. now that Covid is here. People sequester. I used to be able to get out with friends, now always alone. I wonder if things will ever go back to pre-Covid... There are so many things George took care of, the vehicles, yard work, cleaning behind the refrigerator, etc. and now it's mine to do or hire. It seems a million years since he's been here. The difference between now and back then is the shock and now I no longer expect him to come through the door or call. I miss his holding me the most, the connectivity we had. I'm glad the article is of help to you. I wrote it at about ten years out so had had time to read posts, articles, advice, books by then along with collective experiences from thousands of people on forums like this. They're random order as all of our journeys, just like us, are unique and don't go in a particular set pattern but clearly some are for now and some for later on. And some may not apply to all. For instance, having a dog has helped me a lot but not everyone is a dog person. I hope you'll continue to read and post here... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members geetgeet Posted January 18, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted January 18, 2021 Thank you Diane and Kay C. I find it so weird that my brain still thinks this is one huge joke. One day he's going to walk through the door and blame it on a terrible prank. But there's a part of my brain that tells me that isn't true and quit being silly. The only person that I want to talk to, I can't. The one person that would be able to calm and soothe and help me through isn't able to. I want his hug bear hugs and sit to with me and tell me jokes to get me out of the pain. That's the hardest part for me right now. Thank goodness for dogs! My dogs are really the best companion and support I have at the moment. Yes, I'm having people visit (only 1 person at a time, every other day, with a mask, at opposite ends of the dining room) to help me keep from isolating. The tough part is, none of them knew him like I did. The stories they tell are nice and all, but they just didn't have the same kind of relationship we did. I know everyone means well. I get angry. Very angry and that makes me feel guilty. I've read several posts and links about the guilt. A lot of times the guilt is the second worst part of this. The guilt range is all over the place. Eating breakfast? Guilt. Playing with the dogs? Guilt. Sleeping in the bed? Guilt. Laughing at a podcast? Guilt. Then I feel defeated like I just CAN'T WIN. I know it's a process. There's no normal plan that will map out how to make it better in a faster time frame. Thanks for listening again. As heartbreaking as this is, it's helpful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Diane R. E. Posted January 18, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 18, 2021 You are right, there is no plan to move this along at a faster pace, but don't ever feel your anger or guilt is wrong. It's part of the process, and I think we have every right to feel that way. I had tremendous guilt at first, but have learned (mostly) to let it go. And yes, your brain knows he is gone, but our hearts feel differently, and it's not silly. A piece of our heart goes away with the loss of our partner and that loss will always remain. Again, in time we will learn to better manage it. (((Hugs))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 19, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted January 19, 2021 https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/06/in-grief-feeling-guilty-for-feeling.html http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/supersurvivors/202006/three-ways-address-guilt-when-you-re-grieving It takes much time to process. Our feelings, anger or otherwise, are just that: feelings. Neither bad nor good, just ours to contend with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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