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Which day is toughest?


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Yeah, it does. 

I am coming up on the 25 days from his stroke to his death.  Each of those days has numerous first and lasts that replay in my mind in real time. I don't want to relive those experiences again, but my brain can't seem to stop it.  I feel like I am headed back to the whipping post. 

Gail

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4 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

but my brain can't seem to stop it. 

Boy can I relate to this. My brain is on constant overload, trying to make sense of it.

 

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Everyday seems pretty crappy. I have really bad PTSD from the stress and sometimes loose myself in horrible memories. I will say the holidays were super tough too...the absolute worst though was that day that my fiancé and I were supposed to get married...my heart shattered that day. 

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After the first year and those "firsts," Valentines Day and her birthday were always the hardest for me. I have certain things I do on each as a sort of tradition. New Years barely passed and they started putting out the Valentines crap, ugh. It doesn't hit me like it used to but I still look the other way. The upside is it did get easier over time.

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22 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

I was at Walmart yesterday and the Valentine's stuff was out. I had to turn away from it, it was too much to take.

I'm glad I do my shopping on line and don't have to see the displays.  Valentine's was a huge trigger for me, still pains me, as it was a day George & I fully celebrated together, having found love together for the first time in our lives.  Our church used to have a Valentine's Banquet and we'd dress up and hold hands, and the love was so evident...after his death it was extremely painful to attend alone...

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LoveNeverDies

It’s been about 7 weeks since he died, every day has been tough. I used to look forward to getting out of work so I could could come home and see his face , now I come home to just a picture of him on the wall .Life is beyond lonely without him, it’s torturous.

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1 hour ago, LoveNeverDies said:

I used to look forward to getting out of work so I could could come home and see his face , now I come home to just a picture of him on the wall

I feel for you LoveNeverDies, the routine was the same with my wife. In the morning I would kiss her goodbye and tell her I love her, at lunch I would call her and tell her I love her. When I came home from work, I would kiss her and tell her I love you. Now I get up in the morning and cry under her portrait. When I leave I tell her I love her, no more calls at lunchtime ( this is very tough) and when I come home I cry under her portrait again. My life is pretty bleak without her, and very difficult at times. The future is so cold and lonely without her comforting presence.

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I feel like George is forever immortalized in his picture up on the wall, smiling at me, in his 40s...while I am nearing 69 this year!  I've aged but he hasn't.  A picture is not the same as them being here to hold us.  :(

 

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These posts are heart wrenching.  I only get through each day by telling myself that the next day will be better.

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I too think all the days are bad but  - it is the time of day that causes me the most sorrow.  Dinner time is the worst, we didn't have breakfast or lunch together but dinner time was the whole fixing the food while talking and sitting down to eat.  I feel his absence the most then.  Dinner for 1 is wretched.

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4 hours ago, jmmosley53 said:

I too think all the days are bad but  - it is the time of day that causes me the most sorrow.  Dinner time is the worst, we didn't have breakfast or lunch together but dinner time was the whole fixing the food while talking and sitting down to eat.  I feel his absence the most then.  Dinner for 1 is wretched.

I'm just making dinner right now. Got home from work, took a shower and now am making dinner. My wife would always have dinner ready when I got home, and we would sit down together and talk a bit as well. Eating alone is not fun anymore, and I really don't care for the food, I miss being home with my wife.

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My husband was the cook in our relationship, so yes, dinner is a hard time for me too. Cooking for one sucks, so I mostly rely on frozen meals, which really aren't all that great. 

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Going out to breakfast on Saturday morning was something my hubby and I did nearly every week for a decade, after we were empty nesters. We had 3 or 4 regular places we would randomly rotate between depending on if we were in the mood for huevos rancheros or french toast from homemade bread, or if we wanted a view of the ocean etc.  We were always so relaxed and happy to spend that time together just chatting.  

Just one of the many routines I really miss. 

Gail

 

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I'm missing our special life together...it's hard to remember how beautiful it was! 

And how many times i laughed with him!

"Nessun maggior dolore che ricordarsi del tempo felice nella miseria"

There is no greater sorrow than to be mindful of the happy time in misery."

(Dante the Divine Comedy)

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For me it was the weekends because that was always our time together.  Starting Friday night through Sunday night especially but I miss sleeping together, waking up together.

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On 5/20/2021 at 5:54 PM, foreverhis said:

Some day I’d love to be able to read Italian well enough to tackle the original.)

Thanks foreverhis..i'd like you can do it someday....though i have to say that even for an italian it is not so easy read Dante and understand... 'Cos he wrote in the ancient italian of 1300!

We missed our good laughs with our loved ones....for me nothing is better than a laugh from the soul...!

I forgot what it is to laugh heartily without him!

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2 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

We missed our good laughs with our loved ones....for me nothing is better than a laugh from the soul...!

How true Roxeanne!  I really miss Chong’s hearty laugh. And, the morning prayer, hug, and kiss before I went to work in the morning. It gave me the strength to go to work post chemo. I couldn’t have done it without her. 

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