Lost my fiance

[Flowrax]

Hello,

 

I'm new here.

I just lost my fiance a couple of weeks ago. We were in bed, it was Sunday morning. Suddenly I hear he's making funny noises. when I turned around he was looking at me, I called emergency and started with chest compressions and mouth to mouth... but his eyes were already closed and he wasn't making any sounds. I knew right away it was over but I continued with the compressions. When the ambulance came, it felt like it took ages for them to arrive. 

They did everything they could and told me it didn't look good. At the hospital they confirmed he was gone.

His birthday was supposed to be one week later... he left us and he was only 47.

No I have to go on but I only see darkness, as soon as I wake up I want it to be night so I can go back to bed.

We were supposed to get married in May, now we're planning a funeral in the same church we chose to have our wedding in. 

[Gail 8588]

Flowrax,

I am so very sorry for your loss. The death of your true love is such a life shattering experience, your brain struggles to comprehend what has happened to the world. I am so sorry this has happened to you.

Come here to vent, question, cry, rage or just read posts.  We understand how hard this is because our lives have been shattered too.  We will listen, support you as best we can, and let you know you are not alone. Our grief journeys are each unique but there is some comfort in knowing others have experienced what you are going through.

I am so sorry you have reason to join our group, but welcome.

Gail

[KayC]

@Flowrax  I am so sorry.  I can only imagine.  My husband had just had his 51st birthday five days before he died on Father's Day.  To be planning a funeral instead of your wedding, that's beyond words...

I am glad you found this place.  It was a group like this that was my lifeline when my George died 15+ years ago.  I never dreamed he'd die so young, I thought we had years left.  It took me a lifetime to find him and then as quickly as we put our lives together, it seems it was all undone. 

 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Flowrax]

Thank you for your kind words.

It’s been 2,5 weeks but it feels like it happened yesterday.  I know I should do things.. take a shower ... do the laundry but it feels like a lot of work. 
I leave my kids with my parents and go home... I want to be alone... I don’t feel like talking to people or having them around. 
The funeral is Friday... I will be able to see him again before the service starts.. one more time  

I still haven’t cried like I think I should... maybe when it’s time to say good bye I will be able to cry....

[Roxeanne]

Flowrax i'm so sorry you have to go trough this...i know what a sudden loss mean! In the first days i was like into a horror movie...i saw myself acting and do the necessary things almost without emotions...it was the shock! Everything was surreal...then came the tears  and the hard pain!

I would like to have some magical words to avoid the sorrow you feel now...but it's important  that you found our community...here there is always someone who understand who comfort you and give you some advices 'cos we are on this same path...welcome!

[KayC]

I have a friend who lost her husband of over 50 years, that was a few years ago and she still hasn't cried.  She's not trying not to, in fact she thinks it might be a release to, but she just hasn't.  There is nothing wrong with her.  We cry or we don't.  So long as we don't squelch it if our body needs to.

I'm glad you're able to express yourself here, that is helpful to our processing.  How old are your kids?  I'm glad you have your mom.

[Flowrax]

My kids are small, 5-7

I got a phone call yesterday, we can see him today if we want to.

The funeral is tomorrow and we will be able to see him then too.

I’m going to bring the kids with me today, I have explained to them he’s not there anymore and it looks like he’s sleeping. They have told me many times they want to say good bye..

So today.. I’m going to take a shower , change, do my make up and go see him.. we have a “date” :( 

 

[Perro J]

My fiancee was 46. It is too young. We were only just getting started. My condolences to you.

[KayC]

@Flowrax  Wishing you the best as you do the viewing with your children.  You explained it well to them.  (((hugs)))

4 hours ago, Perro J said:

My fiancee was 46. It is too young. We were only just getting started. 

Hugs to you too! 

[Flowrax]

I went to see him.. it wasn’t like I expected.. even at the hospital he looked like himself.. now... it was just an empty shell. I wanted to touch him but I couldn’t ... the funeral is in a few hours and I can’t... I want to be there but it’s going to be devastating... I cried yesterday when I saw him.. but not as much as I wanted to. I can’t get it out... I just want to disappear:(

 

[KayC]

I saw George right after he died, it was plain to see that "he" was not there, that was his discarded shell of a body that would no longer service him.  Granted, even his body means a lot to me as anything to do with him did, but it was not "him."  The him that he is, is his spirit, and it is that I look forward to being with someday.  The body we bury or ashes we cremate are more figurative for us as a sign of respect and honor but wherever they are, it's somewhere I can't see right now.  

I'm sorry this was so hard hitting for you, I think it is to all of us, it is at that moment that reality comes and slaps us upside the head, hard.  

[Flowrax]

I was able to cry at the funeral... when I came home I was exhausted, mentally and physically.

The kids and I are staying with my parents, I will have to go back to my house monday because I have to work (home office)

I don't know how long we are going to stay with my parents but it's better to stay here until I feel I can be home.

The door to our bedroom is closed.. I can't go in there. I just went in to get some clothes.... asked my son to go in and grab my make up bag... I needed to look presentable yesterday.

I did put away the tiny "altar" I had for him... with his picture and his shirt. It's all in a bag in the laundry room where I can't see it.

What happens now? Life just goes on .... 

I feel lonely and angry sometimes.. he promised we were going to raise the kids together and when they left the house we were going to enjoy our days together... we were supposed to grow old together... and now I will have to grow old with another person... a man I haven't met yet.

My fiance always told me that he never liked being alone, life is so much better when we are two...

[Gail 8588]

Flowrax,

For now, just do your best to get through each day. It is more of a challenge than you expect. Work will be harder to do, because it is hard to focus. It's hard to think.  

I am glad you have your folks to help out, especially with the kids.

Be kind to yourself. Grief is exhausting.  Rest when you can. 

Everything has changed and it is so unfair. It will take some time for your mind to figure out where the solid ground is, as everything seems like quicksand for awhile. 

Hugs

Gail

[Elsa]

Flowrax my fiancé died of a stroke exactly one month to the day before yours’ on Dec 3rd. I too have visions of horror in my head of finding him and his helpless attempts at speaking. I am one month ahead of you, so I survived an extra 4 weeks.. a month ago I really didn’t think I would. All of the mix of emotions - the despair, the sadness, the anger, the shock, confusion, it’s all a mishmash in the widow brain. You won’t be able to have a good cry and get over it. That’s the first thing I realise, you don’t get over it. You learn to function again and to start to have tiny, imperceptible glimpses of hope that one day you might enjoy life again, but there is nothing « over » about it.

crying.. it’s over rated! I cried and cried and cried every day for hours. Didn’t make me feel better. Just made my eyes extremely puffy and makes people tell you to start medication. 

The first 60 days or however many, I’m sure depends on the person, are just despair, you will eventually move out of despair into grief. 
We too talked about how much happier we were together and that we were going to grow old together. I am 46 which is a weird in between age to start over, a big difference with you is that I don’t have kids, which is both easier and harder.

Just do what it takes to get through these next few weeks. You despair will turn into grief then ever so slowly you will learn to live again.

don’t be angry at him. He never would have wanted this to happen, death happens and we have no way of knowing when anyone is next.

 

send you much love xx

Oh and by the way.. I was not allowed to see him, not when he died, not at the cremation and there was no service. COVID rules. So in a way, you are a step further. Seeing the shell of a body certainly helps with closure, even if you don’t feel it right now. And I still cry every day, and it still doesn’t make a difference. Take care

[Diane R. E.]

As several have said, the grief process is exhausting! After 16 weeks, I am able to go several days without crying, but am just going through the motions of life. Even if I don't do much or have a meltdown, by evening I am exhausted. However, when I go to bed, I can't get to sleep. I which I could just turn off my brain sometimes - I can't hardly keep one train of thought going; rather my thoughts jump all over the place, which is also tiring. 

[Sparky1]

20 minutes ago, Diane R. E. said:

As several have said, the grief process is exhausting! After 16 weeks, I am able to go several days without crying, but am just going through the motions of life. Even if I don't do much or have a meltdown, by evening I am exhausted. However, when I go to bed, I can't get to sleep. I which I could just turn off my brain sometimes - I can't hardly keep one train of thought going; rather my thoughts jump all over the place, which is also tiring. 

I'm still crying multiple times a day, and it did seem like it was slowing down but now it looks like it came back all over again. If I get 4 hours sleep, it's a good night for me. My brain has not stopped working overtime since my wife passed. You're right about the fatigue though, it's the emotional as well as the physical aspect of it.

[Flowrax]

It's going to be 6 weeks tomorrow.

I have been worse, trying to drink to just be able to sleep at night. I'm tired of that, I don't get drunk but it helps me fall asleep.

2 days ago I decided to take the anti anxiety medication i got from my doctor. That helped me falling asleep without having a few drinks. I went back to work 3 weeks ago (home office)

I can say I'm doing a little better but I still cry everyday.. I feel restless, I can't keep focus on what I'm doing.. my tasks at work take longer than normal. I'm tired of this... yet I can't seem to just do things I enjoy. I was talking to a friend today, asking me what I was going to do today, it's saturday. I told him I would probably stay in bed all day. I don't have to work so I see no reason to get out of bed.

I used to work out everyday, in my living room. I haven't done that since he passed. My friend told me that life goes on.. I can't just stay in bed. So I dragged myself to the living room and started working out, I cried the first 5 minutes... and when I was almost over... I just worked out for 25 minutes.. at least its something.

I don't know what to do with myself. I still don't want people around me, just my kids. I stopped going to my parents a couple of weeks ago, I send the kids over there and my dad drops them off at my place.

I don't want to go out, if I have to get something to eat I go out when it's dark. I hate being outside during the day. The darkness seems somehow comforting.

When does this end?

I got Tinder, I'm very clear i'm there just to talk and that I don't want to date. Most guys just stop talking to me, and to tell you the truth I don't care. I'm not there to find "love" but it gives me something to do. People to talk to.. even if I scare them away, who cares.

I talk to my cousins online, they are still there for me even though we don't live in the same country. At least they listen or tell me things about their lifes to have something else to talk about, to think of.

I'm very tired of this... extremely tired... We can't even travel because of the stupid pandemic.

[Anaana]

I feel you @Flowrax, what you described is pretty much my story but he was 30 and we have no kids. Right now, I am staying with 2 friends, well actually they are staying with me at our house. I can't imagine what it would be like to be alone at this time, they have helped me a great deal to not feel alone. It has been a little over 3 weeks for me now.

I thought about drinking too but my doctor said it's only going to make things worse, as it triggers depression feelings. So I just take the anxiety medication for as long as I feel I need it. 

Scrolling through dating apps is somehthing that crossed my mind too but the thought leaves soon because I don't think I am ready or will be for a long time, and it's just the empty space in my life and bed that makes me think about it. I keep thinking how I'm ever going to meet someone else, how I'm going to make love with someone else, right now it seems impossible. On the contrary, my body keeps with its natural course and I feel like I need it more often than I would imagine, which is weird and uncomfortable. But I guess it's natural. 

I would advise, keep trying to work out and just make yourself do stuff, do housework, go walking. That helps me a lot. Also seeing friends helps me although it is also normal not wanting to see anyone, just do what you want to do at the time. 

Hang on! 

[Elsa]

I’m 3 months this week. I don’t wish the last 3 months on my worst enemy, but I am starting to get my head above water with a few “firsts”, like first time going to the grocery store without collapsing and first time actually laughing like I mean it. Everyone’s timeline is different of course but it feels like my brain has finally processed the shock of the news and the extreme emotions are slowly subsiding. I don’t love my new life at all. But I can see how little by little it will get rebuilt. I tried a dating app then deleted my profile immediately, for me it’s too soon but I know I will eventually get back on there. Stay strong. It does get easier.

[Flowrax]

I guess I don't want to go out because it would be the first time I go out during the day..

This morning after working out I made myself a sandwich.. my "first" since he left, I was crying and eating.. I was thinking "everyday things without you like eating remind me of you"

Making a sandwich and actually eating eat was a big effort, it was my first time. It was painful. 

Later I'm not going to send the kids to my parents to eat dinner. I'm going to make dinner myself, an easy dish. I'm going to actually sit and have dinner with them, at least that's my plan. I have made dinner for them before, after he passed, but I never sit and eat with them.

We'll see how it goes..

[KayC]

Flowrax, Everything you said sounds like you're going through what most of us did at that early time...I hope you give yourself credit for going back to work.  You are trying and this is all so taxing!  Instead of trying to work out maybe just take a walk?  It does help us feel better to be outside and the exercise too.  How old are your kids?  Good for you for making the effort (dinner) for them!

[Flowrax]

@KayC My kids are 9 and 5. I made dinner.. I didn't sit down and ate with them but I was standing right there talking to them.

I guess sitting down and sharing a meal is something I can't do right now. Tomorrow I'm going to try again. 

Sundays are worse, it'll be 6 weeks tomorrow, at around 8:40 am. Terrible time

[Flowrax]

4 hours ago, Anaana said:

I feel you @Flowrax, what you described is pretty much my story but he was 30 and we have no kids. Right now, I am staying with 2 friends, well actually they are staying with me at our house. I can't imagine what it would be like to be alone at this time, they have helped me a great deal to not feel alone. It has been a little over 3 weeks for me now.

I thought about drinking too but my doctor said it's only going to make things worse, as it triggers depression feelings. So I just take the anxiety medication for as long as I feel I need it. 

Scrolling through dating apps is somehthing that crossed my mind too but the thought leaves soon because I don't think I am ready or will be for a long time, and it's just the empty space in my life and bed that makes me think about it. I keep thinking how I'm ever going to meet someone else, how I'm going to make love with someone else, right now it seems impossible. On the contrary, my body keeps with its natural course and I feel like I need it more often than I would imagine, which is weird and uncomfortable. But I guess it's natural. 

I would advise, keep trying to work out and just make yourself do stuff, do housework, go walking. That helps me a lot. Also seeing friends helps me although it is also normal not wanting to see anyone, just do what you want to do at the time. 

Hang on! 

@Anaana I think about the same, how am I going to fall in love again .. making love.. that feels so far away. I'm not old so I know someday I will find a guy that I will love, but just thinking of it makes me feel guilty

[Anaana]

4 hours ago, Flowrax said:

@Anaana I think about the same, how am I going to fall in love again .. making love.. that feels so far away. I'm not old so I know someday I will find a guy that I will love, but just thinking of it makes me feel guilty

Well, my doctor keeps telling me that this is not the time to think about the future, unless what I think is really positive or something to look forward to. But I can't help but think about it. It makes me nervous, just thinking about dating. But there's nothing to be guilty about, you are very young and it's absolutely normal to be thinking about a future partner in your life. It's a sign of optimism to me, the fact that our brains tell us we must go on and there can be love and joy someday in the future waiting for us. But for now, I try to focus on each day, no big plans, just getting through the days trying to stay healthy and keep myself busy. Baby steps. 

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Anaana said:

Well, my doctor keeps telling me that this is not the time to think about the future, unless what I think is really positive or something to look forward to.

Amen to this!  The Bible says tomorrow as enough trouble of it's own and I think it's right, I have enough to deal with today so I try to stay in today, this present moment.  

22 hours ago, Flowrax said:

My kids are 9 and 5. I made dinner.. I didn't sit down and ate with them but I was standing right there talking to them.

It's enough to be present with them, listening, talking, making mealtime pleasant for them, caring about them.  So many are too engrossed to spend time with their kids during mealtimes, so I'm glad you're making effort.  You don't have to sit if it's too hard!  We had an empty chair where he sat, no one sat in it for years.  We were well aware of his empty spot.

[yvo4848]

omgolly my dog passed away. cant imagine my hubby going away. Feel so bad for you. I get sad many times. that feeling cant explain all i no is I want to run but no place to go...hang in there also lost my x hubby 40 years ago I was 23.amen to you.

[Miss T]

On 1/19/2021 at 8:56 AM, Flowrax said:

Thank you for your kind words.

It’s been 2,5 weeks but it feels like it happened yesterday.  I know I should do things.. take a shower ... do the laundry but it feels like a lot of work. 
I leave my kids with my parents and go home... I want to be alone... I don’t feel like talking to people or having them around. 
The funeral is Friday... I will be able to see him again before the service starts.. one more time  

I still haven’t cried like I think I should... maybe when it’s time to say good bye I will be able to cry....

Hi,

I feel every bit of your pain.

My partner was taken into hospital on January 8th and passed away on the 27th January.

The pain is so raw, I can't sleep.

I'm grateful for lockdown so I don't have to be sociable with anyone.Im not sure how I navigate my way through each day bug I'm always grateful when the evening comes .T

 

[Flowrax]

@Miss T  I'm really sorry  I know the pain is unbearable . Somehow you learn to live with it and maybe one day it won't feel as painful. Or maybe we'll be able to  move forward with our lives... I don't know. I just to believe it's going to get better. It has to...

[Anaana]

@Miss T I'm very sorry for your loss. My love died on the same day as yours! Thanks to pills I have been able to sleep. 

So yes evening actually brings comfort in way, another day coming to an end. 

Agh well thats optimistic about the lockdown. I was actually thinking how I wanted to go by the sea today, but if the police stops me I'm gonna have to pay like 1/4 of my monthly income in fine because I have no business going around. The lockdown here is very strict and it sucks for me right now.

 

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Miss T said:

Hi,

I feel every bit of your pain.

My partner was taken into hospital on January 8th and passed away on the 27th January.

The pain is so raw, I can't sleep.

I'm grateful for lockdown so I don't have to be sociable with anyone.Im not sure how I navigate my way through each day bug I'm always grateful when the evening comes .T

 

I am so sorry!  To go through this in Covid with all of its restrictions seems inhumane.  I wish this never  happened to anyone.  I do hope you'll continue to come here and read/post, it was a forum like this that literally saved me when I lost my husband.
I realize you're probably still in shock and your head in a fog (most of us in early grief) so may not be able to process much right now, but I hope you'll print this out and save it to refer to later...our grief evolves and while part of this might speak to you now, some of it will not but very well may later on down the road in months or years.
 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

21 hours ago, yvo4848 said:

omgolly my dog passed away. cant imagine my hubby going away. Feel so bad for you. I get sad many times. that feeling cant explain all i no is I want to run but no place to go...hang in there also lost my x hubby 40 years ago I was 23.amen to you.

It must have been very hard to go through that so young especially.  (((hugs)))

[Miss T]

On 2/21/2021 at 9:07 PM, Anaana said:

@Miss T I'm very sorry for your loss. My love died on the same day as yours! Thanks to pills I have been able to sleep. 

So yes evening actually brings comfort in way, another day coming to an end. 

Agh well thats optimistic about the lockdown. I was actually thinking how I wanted to go by the sea today, but if the police stops me I'm gonna have to pay like 1/4 of my monthly income in fine because I have no business going around. The lockdown here is very strict and it sucks for me right now.

 

I'm finding it hard to sleep at night, constantly waking and the mind goes into overtime.Im making myself walk every other day but it's certainly a effort .Lockdown isn't helping .

T

[Miss T]

On 2/20/2021 at 2:04 PM, Elsa said:

I’m 3 months this week. I don’t wish the last 3 months on my worst enemy, but I am starting to get my head above water with a few “firsts”, like first time going to the grocery store without collapsing and first time actually laughing like I mean it. Everyone’s timeline is different of course but it feels like my brain has finally processed the shock of the news and the extreme emotions are slowly subsiding. I don’t love my new life at all. But I can see how little by little it will get rebuilt. I tried a dating app then deleted my profile immediately, for me it’s too soon but I know I will eventually get back on there. Stay strong. It does get easier.

Your words give encouragement to keep going forward x

[Wink Hall]

It's all new for me also and I haven't really begun to navigate the daily reminders .I'm very new to this site but have already felt some sort of comfort by the responses on my post. I hope you will find some comfort in knowing you're understood and supported by everyone in this forum ! Hugs sent your way !

[yvo4848]

I lost my dog,I feel so sad for all of you.My hubby is 65 and not so good shape ,,I worry about him going ,the dog maybe my hubby..Im scared to death because if he dies,im utterly alone ..omg now thats a nit mare to be alone ,well I do have my other dog ,I feel so bad for all of you that have lost a mate.please no I will say a pray that you woke up and at least think I'm going to be ok And you will.

[Roro]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your story is eerily similar to mine. I lost my fiance suddenly of a cardiac arrest in the middle of the night a week after you lost yours. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. It's so much harder than anyone ever imagines and don't be surprised if some people are uncomfortable with your grieving. Some days, I have to try to figure out why I should still live. Our wedding, our future plans, everything has been blown up and is gone forever. I will never see him again. It's tough to wrap my head around that concept. I've joined a bereavement group. I highly recommend it. These are the only people that truly understand what I'm going through. It's a relief. Hugs to you and I hope we both get through this and find some happiness in life, even though it seems impossible right now. 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Roro said:

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your story is eerily similar to mine. I lost my fiance suddenly of a cardiac arrest in the middle of the night a week after you lost yours. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. It's so much harder than anyone ever imagines and don't be surprised if some people are uncomfortable with your grieving. Some days, I have to try to figure out why I should still live. Our wedding, our future plans, everything has been blown up and is gone forever. I will never see him again. It's tough to wrap my head around that concept. I've joined a bereavement group. I highly recommend it. These are the only people that truly understand what I'm going through. It's a relief. Hugs to you and I hope we both get through this and find some happiness in life, even though it seems impossible right now. 

I am so sorry.  Mine also died of heart failure, we hadn't known he had it until that fateful weekend.  I was away w/o transportation, it was so hard, I did make it to the hospital before he passed but he started having another attack and they threw me out and locked the door behind me.  I was praying for him when I saw four doctors coming...I knew.

It helps to express yourself and know you are heard, which you definitely are here.  It was a group such as this that literally saved me, thank God for it.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[yvo4848]

Sometimes I wish my mind could be wiped out so I can go on.after I lost my hubby 40 years ago,,I just wanted the heart ache and pain in my tummy and heart to go away. Really .I dont want to forget him. But back than I just wanted the gut wrenching pain to stop.I lost my dog 4 weeks ago still hurting ,but nothing like losing a close human comanpeion.amen to all of us.your so true greif when will it end I miss my dog so much.been 4 weeks .

[Flowrax]

I have not been around lately... It will be 9 weeks tomorrow.

I don't know how I feel, I still have anxiety and I can't sleep. The sleeping pills the doctor gave do not help, I still wake up after a couple of hours.

I'm not drinking coffee anymore and have switched to herbs instead. I drink chamomile tea and other herbal teas, I have to give it some time to see if it works. I'm staying at my parents and I only "move back" when my fiance's daughter stays with us. I go to the office (home) every morning and when I'm done I go home to my parents. I noticed I was isolating myself and it was making me feel even worse.

Like I said, I don't know how I feel. I miss him terribly but somehow my mind has realized he's not coming back, he's gone and I'm never going to see him again. My brain tells me to move on but my heart is not ready, it's way too early.

Weekends are lonely and still suck, but I'm getting used to it. This is my new normal, my new life. This is how my life was before I met him and I was fine with it, I enjoyed my weekends with the kids... I guess I'll learn to do that again someday.

I miss him, I miss his company and hugs. It feels like my body needs human touch and not from my kids, 

I would love to go on a date just to have the company... but I would probably just sit there and cry.. feeling guilty.

I'm tired of this crap,,, but it's getting better.... if it was 100% crap a few weeks ago, now it's maybe 90% crap. Baby steps I guess...

[yvo4848]

I lost my dog 37 days later I feel 90%better but it is not a human .I no each month you will feel better I promise you .lost my hubby 40 year's ago took 9 months to feel that happy feeling and had some in between. Love to you.You will feel better.

[Anaana]

Hey @Flowrax,

I'm glad you are feeling better. I relate to everything you say, except coffee, I still have one in the morning. 

But today just as I was feeling a little better everyday(there were even days I didn't cry), I just woke up having the worse day ever, sadness was hitting me like a punch and I couldn't stop crying all day. 

Everything triggered me, all together with anxiety, with anger towards everyone and extreme sadness. Now as my day comes to an and I feel calmer, but still nothing like the other days. 

Sending hugs. 

[JohnB]

My heart breaks for you.  My wife passed away 5 days after your fiance.  I can't offer many more comments than those already shared, but I am really sorry to join this awful club with you.  

In some of what I've read, most of our emotions are able to be classified, basically, into one of the following:  Mad, sad, glad, scared.

Obviously, most of my feelings are sad these days.  But I'm scared.  I'm terrified.  Like you, I just want someone to talk to who "gets" it.  I'd love to go on a date, just for the company.  But also like you, I'd be a blubbering mess.

Finding this forum has been helpful for me.  I hope you've found some comfort and peace yourself, not matter how small or infequent they may be.

[Flowrax]

It’s been almost 6 months and I can say I’m coming back to life. 
I have small  projects like painting the living room? Buy a new wardrobe, taking care of the garden..

I’ve been making small changes around my house and it helps.

now I can think about my fiancé and even though I get sad and cry, I can control it. Sometimes I can think about him without crying… but that almost never happens. 
Life does go on :/

[KayC]

I'm glad.  People who can still do things can usually rebuild easier than those who cannot.  I have a friend from a grief group that is severely disabled and in a lot of pain, it's been over six years for her and she has not progressed and I think alot of it is growing old alone with unique circumstances, all friends/family gone, can't do volunteer work or even take care of herself.  Very hard!

I'm glad you're finding things to do that make you feel better, so important!

[Flowrax]

Thank you, I understand we all have different experiences, I’m glad the shock and the pain I felt in the beginning is gone. 
I’m still in pain and I miss him terribly but I manage to function. 
it’s not easy …. But I know he wouldn’t want me to cry all the time. I’m doing the best I can even though it’s hard 

[yvo4848]

my hubby has lun cancer stage 3-b they said we can cure him.i just dont belive it yes my freind has the same thing she going on 4 years same type same everything even same size trumur tehy got it all but 1 year ago little came back and they got rid of it fast ct scan evey 3 months than 6 monthe than 7 montha than 1 time a year after 5 years only 1 time per two years .so I should be happy im not she 10 year younger but my hubby is healthy pretty much thanks.thank god you feel better .hugs

[Gail 8588]

Yvo4849,

I am so sorry you are going through this difficult time.  My prayers are for his full recovery.  Enjoy the time you have together.

Gail

[KayC]

18 hours ago, yvo4848 said:

my hubby has lun cancer stage 3-b they said we can cure him.i just dont belive it yes my freind has the same thing she going on 4 years same type same everything even same size trumur tehy got it all but 1 year ago little came back and they got rid of it fast ct scan evey 3 months than 6 monthe than 7 montha than 1 time a year after 5 years only 1 time per two years .so I should be happy im not she 10 year younger but my hubby is healthy pretty much thanks.thank god you feel better .hugs

I am so sorry, my best friend has cancer lymph nodes and breast and she's opted not to go through surgery and chemo so worried about her.  I'll keep you and your husband in my prayers.
Anticipatory Grief and Mourning
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