Members Rashell Posted January 17, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 17, 2021 I feel like I am becoming very insensitive to some people’s situations. Hearing people talk about how sad they are over their “friends cousin’s girlfriend who was around my age” makes me angrier than I’ve ever been, and even those upset over grandparents, aunts, and the like. I was never like this before, I have always been extremely empathetic but I just don’t think I have the emotional capacity anymore. I have lost MANY people through my life, more people than I thought could be possible, especially at my age. All my grandparents, my father, close friends, acquaintances, aunts, many non-immediate family members, roommates, and nothing has compared to this. I think part of it is I’m jealous of the ones that have the emotional capacity to grieve the loss of anyone other than immediate family or those apart of their every day life, and the jealousy is coming out as anger. I don’t like the way this has changed me, but here I am, young and bitter. Has anyone else experienced this, and did it go away? Has anyone that lost their empathy gained it back? I do still feel very empathetic for other people in the same situation who have lost their partners, and also those who have lost immediate family members, so I know I didn’t completely lose all empathy which is a good sign. But I feel so awful about the way I feel towards others and how angry other people’s grief over non-immediate family makes me. Also I feel like I sound like a total A-hole right now and I feel awful about that and hate to think that that may be the person I’ve become. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 17, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted January 17, 2021 This is understandable at this time as it requires EVERYTHING within you to get through this, first and up front is YOUR loss! Everything else pales in comparison. Eventually you will have even more understanding/compassion for others going through this, but please don't expect anything right now from yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members steveb Posted January 17, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 17, 2021 Rashell, you are still emotionally drained and exhausted. It’s hard to be empathetic to others when you are in such despair yourself. This is just a phase your are going though. First and foremost, focus on your own healing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gail 8588 Posted January 17, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 17, 2021 Rashell, A feeling of anger /rage at everyone who doesn't seem to understand that your world had imploded, (and that is pretty much everyone in the world), is pretty common. A month or so after my loss, my friend was talking about how her dog tracked all this mud on to her new rug and I wanted to just scream at her. For quite a while I found it easier to just avoid people all together because I just couldn't be around people who were living normal lives. This will pass, it just takes some time. Gail Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Zee24 Posted January 17, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 17, 2021 I think it sets up your priorities too, for instance I don’t have a lot of empathy for people complaining about frivolous stuff. Cry me a river about your entitlement, the fact that your sister leads a far more fabulous life then you do while you’re busy doing the school run, how xyzs husband makes more money. People having a hard time with genuine problems, especially bereavement or ill health, i now have a lot of empathy for. To be honest, I have always been an empathetic person and I think it helps to be imaginative, a lot of people who are insensitive to anyone’s plight is because of their inability to imagine how they would feel in a similar situation. Also more personally, I have lost my sympathy for people who have not been understanding or been there for me. Like those relationships are clearly gone, I can’t excuse them at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members steveb Posted January 17, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 17, 2021 You hit the nail on the head Zee24. In fact, you hit it with a sledge hammer:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sparky1 Posted January 17, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 17, 2021 3 hours ago, Zee24 said: I have lost my sympathy for people who have not been understanding or been there for me. I was just talking about this with my sister in law today. When my wife passed away, I was answering texts and calls all day. People would say, if you need anything just call or I'll call you once in a while. That has gone down to maybe a handful of people I regularly keep in contact with. My sister in law has had the exact same experience with a different group of friends. Sometimes I wonder who true friends really are. I know everyone has their own life but don't promise to be in touch and then I never heard from you again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted January 18, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted January 18, 2021 I think it's reasonable to be angry about people grieving someone not nearly as close to them as your loss. It feels relative. Like "oh you lost your grandmother. waah. Lose the love of your life and get back to me." I think those feelings fade with time. As for so called friends I found out that I had no TRUE friends among "our" friends, frankly. Oh there was a little token contact immediately after the loss, but I found that was so people could say "look I contacted him after the loss" BS. In the months and years (and years) that followed, jack squat. Wow thanks. If one of them contacted me now or I bumped into them somewhere I would blow them off, being barely polite, if that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members steveb Posted January 18, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 18, 2021 3 hours ago, widower2 said: As for so called friends I found out that I had no TRUE friends among "our" friends, frankly. Oh there was a little token contact immediately after the loss, but I found that was so people could say "look I contacted him after the loss" BS. In the months and years (and years) that followed, jack squat. Wow thanks. If one of them contacted me now or I bumped into them somewhere I would blow them off, being barely polite, if that. It certainly is a let down that when you need others the most, they simply provide the “token contact”. You obviously find out who your real friends and family are. I have no time for those that can’t be a decent human being. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 18, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted January 18, 2021 18 hours ago, Zee24 said: I don’t have a lot of empathy for people complaining about frivolous stuff. For sure! It was hard hearing my sister always complaining about her husband when I didn't have mine anymore. For over 15 years I listened to her and tried to point out how he loved her and took care of her. And then Sept. 23 he died, he'd just been diagnosed with cancer a couple of weeks before, and had only known he wasn't going to make it five days before. NOW she appreciates him in retrospect! NOW she realizes what all he did for her (everything)! She's disabled and doesn't drive. I'm glad I loved and appreciated George while he was here. 18 hours ago, Zee24 said: I have lost my sympathy for people who have not been understanding or been there for me. Like those relationships are clearly gone, I can’t excuse them at all. I feel the same way. I'm not talking about people who just don't realize what we've gone through but I'm talking about my best friends who totally disappeared on me when he died! Who didn't even bother coming to his funeral! Who didn't return calls, didn't come by, nothing! Grief has a way of rewriting our address book. Basically I had to start over from scratch, just when I felt least up to it. Widower, I am sorry you went through the same thing I did. Not one of "our friends" stuck with me. I did gain a new bestie for ten years but now she's moved away to TX to remarry. I'm glad she's happy but it changed things, I could no longer drop in for a cup of coffee and chat. We no longer do things together. Haven't seen her since she moved five years ago. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted January 20, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted January 20, 2021 On 1/18/2021 at 8:18 AM, KayC said: Widower, I am sorry you went through the same thing I did. Not one of "our friends" stuck with me. I did gain a new bestie for ten years but now she's moved away to TX to remarry. I'm glad she's happy but it changed things, I could no longer drop in for a cup of coffee and chat. We no longer do things together. Haven't seen her since she moved five years ago. Thanks Kay and same to you. So sorry you lost a valued new friend. I became close friends for awhile with a couple, very nice, but socio-political BS of this past year got in the way and that was that (I am fine agreeing to disagree; didn't get the same in return). I doubt this is much comfort but it does help to know I'm not the only one who went through this. I've beat myself up more than once thinking "well I guess I must be one serious jerk of a person for everyone to universally ignore me so completely and in such a terrible lonely time to boot." Ironically, one of my beloved's closest friends was one who totally blew me off, but his cousin, who I was barely acquainted with, still emails me near her birthday and the time of her passing to say hi and hope all is well...i.e. the kind of thing I would have expected from people I thought were friends (she never brings up the jerk's name, I guess she knows better). Funny how you find out what people are really made of that you didn't expect. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members jmmosley53 Posted January 20, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 20, 2021 Rashell, As you know grieving takes energy. Having a friend takes energy. Brooding about other people's actions takes energy. You only have a finite amount of energy. You are in overload. You spend more energy than you had so - you need to step back.. Put yourself in a bubble - let hurtful things bounce off the bubble. Don't let anyone in your bubble but your beloved. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Diane R. E. Posted January 20, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 20, 2021 At first, I didn't think I had lost empathy for others, but then last night one of my sisters was texting me and one of our other sisters complaining about her husband. She has been complaining about him for years, and always talks about leaving him. Then she goes back to trying to save the marriage. There was no "how are you doing Diane?". She just talked about how horrible her husband treats her (not physically), I just wanted to tell her it's time to decide already! That's when I know I had little empathy for her, so I bit my tongue and tried to say something supportive. And yes, grieving is exhausting! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 20, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted January 20, 2021 16 hours ago, widower2 said: I became close friends for awhile with a couple, very nice, but socio-political BS of this past year got in the way and that was that (I am fine agreeing to disagree; didn't get the same in return). I doubt this is much comfort but it does help to know I'm not the only one who went through this No you are NOT a jerk! During the time I've come to know you, I've come to respect you as a thinking, compassion person. I have run into the same problem. Half of my friend/family are Republican, the other half are democrat, even more lean to Rep. in my church.. It's always hard going against the tide. I am an honest person that says what I think but I've had to learn to tone it down with politics, and all I ask is other also show respect but some are very in my face and obnoxious with it! Makes it hard. I actually re-registered this year as an Independent because that way I can truthfully answer that question without hearing a tirade from "the other side" when in actuality it is no one's business but my own! I get your dilemma, you are not alone in this! But it's not you, it's those that can't extend the same courtesy/respect. 5 hours ago, Diane R. E. said: I just wanted to tell her it's time to decide already! And nothing wrong with telling her that! A million years ago I was in a horrid marriage, he beat on me and cheated on me throughout our whole marriage, I was 92-99 lbs during this time, must take a real tough guy to beat on a woman so tiny, and no, I never brought it on, not that one can. One day I was complaining yet again to my neighbor/best friend and she told me to put up or shut up, something like that. I went home mad for a couple of weeks and then I realized she was right. I saw a lawyer...it wasn't easy getting out with my life but I finally managed it. Let him have everything, just wanted to escape. I've been very thankful over the years for her being so candid, I needed to hear it. He had rendered me impotent with his abuse, I would NEVER take that off anyone again! I had to learn to not be afraid! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gail 8588 Posted January 21, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 21, 2021 19 hours ago, widower2 said: I am fine agreeing to disagree; didn't get the same in return Widower2, I whole heartedly agree with the philosophy of agreeing to disagree. I don't understand why it has gotten so out of hand in America that the 2 political parties are so hostile. At this point it's like we are all 8 years old saying "They started it". People are complex multi-faceted beings. Their political leanings are just one part of their life. I can readily accept that I don't have to be aligned with someone on every aspect of their life to be friends with them. I don't drink alcohol, but I have many friends who do. Why should our difference on that one issue preclude us from being friends. Same thing with politics for me. We can agree to disagree without demonizing the other side. Here is to hoping everyone in the US can all dial it back a notch or two. Gail Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted January 21, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted January 21, 2021 6 hours ago, KayC said: It's always hard going against the tide. I am an honest person that says what I think but I've had to learn to tone it down with politics, and all I ask is other also show respect but some are very in my face and obnoxious with it! Makes it hard. I actually re-registered this year as an Independent because that way I can truthfully answer that question without hearing a tirade from "the other side" when in actuality it is no one's business but my own! I get your dilemma, you are not alone in this! But it's not you, it's those that can't extend the same courtesy/respect. Yes, exactly, thanks - here's to fellow independents 2 hours ago, Gail 8588 said: Widower2, I whole heartedly agree with the philosophy of agreeing to disagree. I don't understand why it has gotten so out of hand in America that the 2 political parties are so hostile. At this point it's like we are all 8 years old saying "They started it". Again, exactly. Childish and idiotic are the kindest words I can think of. My personal theory is this is simply the end result of decades of permissiveness and a "whatever" lowering of standards in our society When you coddle and promote spoiled brattiness in entire generations, what did you expect? That they would all suddenly be rational, disciplined thinkers in adulthood? The flaw in that logic is the elephant in the room. I'm afraid it will get worse before it gets better. I just hope not too deep crazy off the deep end worse. But who knows, maybe if covid chills out and things politically settle down, sanity will return. I hope so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 21, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted January 21, 2021 10 hours ago, widower2 said: maybe if covid chills out and things politically settle down, sanity will return. I hope so. This is my wildest dream and hope also! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Shirin2027 Posted January 23, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 23, 2021 I totally get this. I lost the love of my life and probably the only person who ever really got me about 3 years ago. I have been totally unable to empathize with people since then. I still care for the people around me but don’t emphathize with their troubles etc. Inside I am like this is no big deal and I am thinking they should be grateful for what they have. It’s as if anything else that people are sad/crying about seems overrated to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 24, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted January 24, 2021 4 hours ago, Shirin2027 said: I totally get this. I lost the love of my life and probably the only person who ever really got me about 3 years ago. I have been totally unable to empathize with people since then. I still care for the people around me but don’t emphathize with their troubles etc. Inside I am like this is no big deal and I am thinking they should be grateful for what they have. It’s as if anything else that people are sad/crying about seems overrated to me. My husband was the one who truly got me, understood me, loved me, cared about me, we were soul mates and best friends. It's been 15 1/2 years he's been gone now. Welcome to this site. I totally get your last statement. They don't know... I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Shirin2027 Posted January 24, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 24, 2021 18 hours ago, KayC said: I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. Thank you so much for this article. It seems really helpful. Some of these things I have been trying and the others will definitely help. I am sometimes scared that I will start forgetting all the little details of him. I have never had any strong suicidal thoughts because taking my life would be wrong to him. I can’t think of doing something wrong because of him. It will tarnish his life in a way if you know what I mean. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 25, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted January 25, 2021 4 hours ago, Shirin2027 said: I am sometimes scared that I will start forgetting all the little details of him. I know, don't worry about that though...it's been 15 1/2 years for me and I have not forgotten anything, his voice, his smell, how I felt when he held me, how our life was, nothing. 4 hours ago, Shirin2027 said: I can’t think of doing something wrong because of him. It will tarnish his life in a way if you know what I mean. I do know what you mean, that's a good way of looking at it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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