Mixed feelings about celebration of life

[Elsa]

Hi everyone

My fiancé’s family has decided to organize a Celebration of Life tonight, 7 weeks after his sudden passing. I was asked not to bring up anything tragic and only to focus on the good stuff. I am struggling with this for a number of reasons. 

1) I think it may be cultural. I am not American and this feels very American to me. The country was built on relentless optimism and it is one of the America’s most admirable strengths. But at a time like this it feels like we (including his brother and sister) are all hiding the terrible truth. He had been an abused child and died at 62 of a massive stroke, due to relentlessly high blood pressure from complex PTSD combined with addictions he could not kick. I feel like « celebrating » his life is so incongruous it hurts me. I want to scream, wail, punch something at the injustice of child abuse and how much it haunted him to the very end. Not celebrate. He did some amazing things - that should be celebrated.. but I’m stuck trying to untangle it in my heart. 
 

2) I worry that it’s too early for me to put on a brave face and focus on the positive. I worry that they want a cheerful review and I will just break down and cry.

I have no choice, nor do I want to back out.. I of course said yes and I have to present pictures and videos and speak for 15 minutes. Im just asking for help - can anyone help me to understand how to process this - whether you have been there or have insights - and get through the evening.

thank you

 

 

 

 

[Rashell]

I don’t know if I have great insight, my partners “celebration of life” is tomorrow and I am really lost about everything, unsure what it’s gonna be like, etc. As I have been to many funerals for people I love but never a celebration of life. What I will tell you though is that funerals & services bring up a lot of things that maybe haven’t hit you yet. It is a form of closure and with that comes a ton of feelings. Every funeral I have been to, I may feel okay in the days leading up and think I will be okay, but they hit me HARD and I am always a wreck. What they are asking of you, to not bring up any of yours or your partners grief, is absolutely ridiculous. Even during the most “positive” of services I’ve been to, there is always a point I break down. And your partner’s service is so much different than any other service of any other person out there. This is someone you’ve been with intimately, on a different level. I’m so sorry they are asking this of you, and I will tell you that, especially if you already think you won’t be able to put on a brave face, you won’t be able to the entire time. It may even be very traumatic for you to go through this. I’m not saying you should back out, but I really think you need to explain to them that you can’t promise you will hide your true feelings the entire time. I wish I could be of more help, and maybe after my partners service I might be a little more insightful 

[Elsa]

Thank you for your thoughts, actually it may be a very specific family thing. It’s sad because I realise it’s probably what his family had to do to survive - brother and sister were also abused so have had to « put on a brave face ». They’re in their 60s now but maybe nothing has changed. Yes you are right I think a gentle « I can’t guarantee my positive input throughout » will be enough to give me (and I guess anyone else) enough of a berth to break down. Good luck with yours. I have been to one before but it took place several months after the death and it’s probably easier to truly celebrate when the grief is a little more mature. It was in person - mine is by zoom, which is weird in itself - and it was a strange mix of emotions but mostly good. But I also was not close to that person. This is a totally different level for both of us I imagine. 

[Maria_PI]

@Elsa I feel for you, that you were put in a situation like this that early in your grief! I wouldn't have been able to not break down in tears talking about my lost Love and Soulmate. Once I went to one for my colleague's son and was a bit thrown off by all the joking and laughs at that service. Granted, his brothers and sister and friends were all young people, but still... Luckily I didn't have to go through one with my husband because of Covid and because practically both sides of our families are outside of the US and this is not in our tradition. Even now, 8 months into my loss, when talking about my husband with his daughter over Skype, I can't help feeling sad and crying sometimes. That's why, instead of Celebration of Life, I put together a short video of pictures and clips of him and posted it online and sent it out to friends and family only. But that took me 3 months to muster the courage to go through all the memories and select the best ones. Hope you got through this without major breakdowns! (((hugs)))

[Elsa]

Yes Maria that’s been the hardest thing, going through videos and photos. And his personal items. I am overseas but his family is in the US so we are doing it virtually. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to do... but much later?. It’s just so soon for me to be able to only be celebratory and happy. Thank you for writing about your experience. 

[KayC]

19 minutes ago, Maria_PI said:

@Elsa I feel for you, that you were put in a situation like this that early in your grief!

I agree, no one issued such commands to me and I'm afraid I'd have bluntly told them what I thought if they had.  It's not an American thing, I'm American.  It must be his family.  And even to have to speak 15 min. that would be very hard.  We will be undergirding you with support and thoughts as that day comes.

[Elsa]

@KayC it’s today.. in a few hours. Thank you.

[jmmosley53]

My husbands sister wanted very much to have a celebration of life on my husband's 70th birthday.  I agreed since we were unable to have a funeral because of COVID.  

Of course no one told anyone how to act or feel.  I was dreading the day, I had to bring my beloved's urn to this function. With images in my head of weeping and wailing that I didn't think I could get through I went.

It was a wonderful family thing, people said remembrances, there were tears but many more smiles and laughs at old stories being retold.  We ate pizza and cake and after had a balloon release.

What I thought was going to be a horrible day turned out to be a great day.  His family had their little closure.  I learned that there were other people on the earth that were missing him too. 

And it was really heart warming to do something nice in his honor.  I have been to real fancy funeral/wakes, but this celebration of life made me proud, and I felt loved.

[Rashell]

I hope this is okay to ask, but I want to check in, how are you feeling now, after it? I hope you were able to process and share your feelings and did not have to hide them.

Mine was today as well, and I thought I was going to get some sort of closure, but mostly it just made me angry. I’m angry at all the people that didn’t and will never know who he really was, behind his outward persona. I’m angry at all the people that said the wrong things. I’m angry that the lady who was singing was an absolutely horrible singer and I couldn’t turn to him and hear him say, “Who the F is this and why is she singing at my funeral?” because that is exactly what he would’ve said. And mostly I’m angry that life put me in the position to even have to go. It was nice to be around his friends, and while none of them have reached out to me since it happened, they were very supportive today, even though I basically sat there mute and tunnel vision while all these people talked to me and told me stories and all the things he had told them about his feelings for me, I just had nothing to say. I’m still very much in shock and can tell I am not processing that this is real, because how the heck can it be real? We were just in bed together watching a movie and talking over the whole movie because of how much we both had to say to each other at all times and eating snacks and just being in love with each other’s presence. Everything feels so weird and off, but it also feels like our whole relationship was just a far away dream.

Anyways, hope everything went okay today and you are doing as well as you can.

[widower2]

22 hours ago, Elsa said:

I have to present pictures and videos and speak for 15 minutes.

Good Lord. 15 MINUTES? I'm with Kay; I couldn't have talked for 15 seconds in those early days about the loss and if someone had asked me, they'd have been lucky to get a polite no. At her funeral service a few people got up and talked, there was no way I could have. I did put together a Powerpoint video for her service (which is the kind of thing she'd said she'd wanted) that had pics of her etc, but it was just launch and play, no commentary. Huge props to you for being able to do that!

[Elsa]

14 hours ago, KayC said:

I agree, no one issued such commands to me and I'm afraid I'd have bluntly told them what I thought if they had.  It's not an American thing, I'm American.  It must be his family.  And even to have to speak 15 min. that would be very hard.  We will be undergirding you with support and thoughts as that day comes.

 

1 hour ago, Rashell said:

I hope this is okay to ask, but I want to check in, how are you feeling now, after it? I hope you were able to process and share your feelings and did not have to hide them.

Mine was today as well, and I thought I was going to get some sort of closure, but mostly it just made me angry. I’m angry at all the people that didn’t and will never know who he really was, behind his outward persona. I’m angry at all the people that said the wrong things. I’m angry that the lady who was singing was an absolutely horrible singer and I couldn’t turn to him and hear him say, “Who the F is this and why is she singing at my funeral?” because that is exactly what he would’ve said. And mostly I’m angry that life put me in the position to even have to go. It was nice to be around his friends, and while none of them have reached out to me since it happened, they were very supportive today, even though I basically sat there mute and tunnel vision while all these people talked to me and told me stories and all the things he had told them about his feelings for me, I just had nothing to say. I’m still very much in shock and can tell I am not processing that this is real, because how the heck can it be real? We were just in bed together watching a movie and talking over the whole movie because of how much we both had to say to each other at all times and eating snacks and just being in love with each other’s presence. Everything feels so weird and off, but it also feels like our whole relationship was just a far away dream.

Anyways, hope everything went okay today and you are doing as well as you can.

Thanks Rashell. I held it together for about half of it then sobbed and sobbed for a few minutes then picked up again and finished my part. His best friend was actually great, he refused to « follow instructions » and talked about the incredibly difficult childhoods they both had and how it bonded them. So at least by the time I spoke I didn’t feel like it was a travesty. But no, I agree it didn’t help me. I didn’t find closure and I didn’t love people’s attitudes, i felt like a lot of them were there to pay respects of course but also to be entertained? It didn’t seem like many other people put in much effort to bring up anecdotes or good memories about his life other than the few speakers. I had to go through texts and pictures for days which triggered me to no end. We had an open mic bit and no one really spoke up. I am so raw still. And I guess they are too. And yes it feels like the relationship was a dream. I can’t find a trace of his smell which is really creepy - he had done all his laundry the day before which he never did then someone in the haze that followed his death stole his aftershave.. so I am left with no organic trace of him, it adds to the absurdity of just vanishing from my life, from our life together. Thanks for checking in and I’m sorry you felt so much anger and frustration. 

[KayC]

Do you have it on a pillowcase?  If you find anything with his smell, put it into a ziploc bag, I heard about that too late and bawled when nothing retained his smell.  Also any way to capture his voice, my machine recorded over his voice two weeks in, I was devastated.    It's hard to think of things like that when you're in shock.  Can you buy his aftershave?

I'm glad you got through it, I don't think anyone should have dictated to you how to handle this, it's so wrong!  To expect ANYTHING of you is wrong!  My heart goes out to you.  TG for his friend. 

[Elsa]

38 minutes ago, KayC said:

Do you have it on a pillowcase?  If you find anything with his smell, put it into a ziploc bag, I heard about that too late and bawled when nothing retained his smell.  Also any way to capture his voice, my machine recorded over his voice two weeks in, I was devastated.    It's hard to think of things like that when you're in shock.  Can you buy his aftershave?

I'm glad you got through it, I don't think anyone should have dictated to you how to handle this, it's so wrong!  To expect ANYTHING of you is wrong!  My heart goes out to you.  TG for his friend. 

 

38 minutes ago, KayC said:

Do you have it on a pillowcase?  If you find anything with his smell, put it into a ziploc bag, I heard about that too late and bawled when nothing retained his smell.  Also any way to capture his voice, my machine recorded over his voice two weeks in, I was devastated.    It's hard to think of things like that when you're in shock.  Can you buy his aftershave?

I'm glad you got through it, I don't think anyone should have dictated to you how to handle this, it's so wrong!  To expect ANYTHING of you is wrong!  My heart goes out to you.  TG for his friend. 

 

[Elsa]

We had just washed those too. I think 7 weeks in I will struggle to find his smell anywhere anymore but maybe and thank you for the ziplock idea! Yes I could buy the aftershave again. I guess I just wanted the bottle that he had used and held.  How anyone could steal that from someone grieving is absolutely unthinkable. I still have the cap! They just stole the bottle. 
This group is so helpful. Thank you all for your comments and support. I feel like I have lived my entire life blinded by the illusion of « getting over » a death., like I eventually felt like I got over the deaths that I had grieved before. I will never get over this. It really is akin to missing a limb. You never get over it, you learn to operate without it and over time the absurdity becomes your new normality. 
 

[Maria_PI]

10 hours ago, Rashell said:

I’m angry at all the people that said the wrong things. I’m angry that the lady who was singing was an absolutely horrible singer and I couldn’t turn to him and hear him say, “Who the F is this and why is she singing at my funeral?” because that is exactly what he would’ve said. And mostly I’m angry that life put me in the position to even have to go.

Oh, @Rashell, I am so sorry you were subjected to this! If it was me I would be angry too! And my husband would have risen from the dead to endure even more excruciating pain just to punch the person who sang badly at his funeral right in the face! I don't understand why people think it's ok to do such things, pure torture for the grieving. Like we need more torture... (((hugs)))

[Perro J]

Your post gave me an opportunity to permit a small smile at a memory of my lost love. She is from Ecuador. I recall making a comment to her about being an American, to which she smiled and reminded me that she was an American too - a South American. That said, I do think there are differences between how people in the USA process...avoid...deny...death as compared to other cultures I have observed. Latino culture to me seems to be quicker to recognize the inevitability, the ultimate destiny, of all of us. That is not to say they grieve less. My experience with her death and funeral would be surreal in the USA. She passed away around 5:40pm - I was seated, in a suit, at the funeral home for visitation by 8:00pm. We returned the following morning for more visitation - then the procession to the cemetery - and she was entombed by 3:00pm the following day. I am returning to Ecuador in February to visit her family and her tomb. I will return there yet again in July for a ceremony on the anniversary of her death. The lapida (tombstone).

Two weeks ago, I was asked to speak in front of a group. I chose to speak about God. I had to speak for about 45 to 50 minutes. I lost my love six months ago. Sitting down to write notes that outlined my thoughts on God for the last six months was difficult. It really took all I had to just get a sufficient outline to talk for a little under an hour. I am not sure I did a great job of it. I am certain I could not have done that at seven weeks. I think you were courageous to even attempt it and while I know you've done it already, my thoughts on preparing for it would have started with the notion of Those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter. Some people do have lifelong struggles - and while having to hear of someone's struggles may be unpleasing to some - yours endured a difficult life until he couldn't anymore. I see at least a little heroism in that and I hope you do too. Had you not stopped to sob in the middle of it - I would question the omission. In my opinion, at 7 weeks, your only job is to grieve, to cry, to ride the waves of sadness. It was too early for me to try to speak about God as seen through my lens of grief. Loss forces us into the ring to wrestle with the hardest of questions whether we are ready to do that or not.

I wish you solace.

[KayC]

On 1/17/2021 at 5:21 AM, Elsa said:

You never get over it, you learn to operate without it and over time the absurdity becomes your new normality. 

 

10 hours ago, Perro J said:

Those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter.

Both statements so true!  Perro, you're amazing, that you could speak even this soon, wow.  And yes, EVERYONE on this continent is American.  We sometimes forget that where we live!   A friend of mine married a Thai and she referred to herself as an American, having lived here for many years, she never became a citizen but that was a piece of paper, she identified with us here as well as Thailand.  I love that.  And I love getting to know others from around the world and their cultures.  It makes us all feel a part of something bigger than just our own selves.