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it's been almost five months


grinwolf

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Posted

It was a Saturday morning, and I texted my boyfriend Colin like I always did, but it failed to send, and his location wasn’t loading. I wasn’t that alarmed since I assumed his phone had died, like it often did. He also slept in late on the weekends so when 2pm rolled around and I hadn't heard from him, it was still nothing out of the ordinary. It was around 3pm that I got a message on Instagram from one of Colin’s friends, John. He asked me if I could call him, and that it was about Colin. He was hesitant on the phone at first, circling around whatever it was he was trying to say. Finally, he told me that the night before, Colin had overdosed on percocets. I asked him if he was okay, to which John responded with, “No. His parents are going to cremate him.” I think about that sentence a lot. I can still hear it and anytime I think about Colin I can't help but remember that phone call. 

John got me in touch with Colin’s mom, Dee, and she sent me all the information for the service that would be held for him. For about a week, this was all I knew about his death. I had no idea how or why Colin was taking percocets. I didn't know if he was with anybody or where he was. I didn't feel it was appropriate to ask his mom to hash out the details of his death, so the only person who could help me was John. He told me that Colin had been smoking percocets for the last five or so months. I had no idea. In a way, knowing this made me feel less guilty about his death only because I was assured there was nothing I could have done. He hid this from me, and I never had the opportunity to help him. I had never felt so angry at Colin. His mom would accuse him of doing hard drugs such as heroin, to which he would get so offended and hurt by. I would be the one to comfort him and assure him that her assumptions were wrong, and that he was better than that. But I was wrong, he wasn't. I would confide in Colin about how opioids have affected my parents and all the awful ways it has impacted my life. He had purposefully made it a point to me that he would never betray my trust or vulnerability. Then he turned out to be a different person than who I knew him as. It also infuriated me that his friends knew of his addiction and just let him continue and enabled him. If I had known, I would have done whatever I could to have helped him. 

Even with as angry as I was, I do understand why he lied. Addicts are good people, just sick people. I wonder a lot if the reason he didn't tell me was because of how negatively I talked about my parents and their addiction, and that I refused to have contact with them. I hope that he didn't think that him confessing to me he was doing percocets would result in me leaving him and no longer caring about him. It would be hard, but I would have stuck with him to see him get better. 

The service that was held for him reminded me of the Colin I knew. He was so kind and always so patient and understanding from the start. He really did take care of me emotionally, physically, and even at times financially. I miss him so much, and it's so unfair that he doesn’t get more time. Colin was 21, and when I had met him, he was at a really low point in his life. His abusive relationship of 3 years had recently ended, and he was trying to figure out how to live now for himself and not for her. His mom, and his other family members I had never even met would tell me what a great impact I had on Colin. Because of me, he had been saving up to get a car, was looking for a better job, was eating more and working out regularly, and as his mom described it, I gave him hope. I had always supported and encouraged Colin to do and be better, all I ever really cared about was that he was happy. It kills me that all these great things he would've done with his life will never happen. It’s so unfair. 

I cant help but wondering why it all wasn't enough? He was so happy, why did he need percocets? Why didn't he tell me? I feel like the only way I can move on is if i forgive him. And I don't know if I have yet, or what that would even look like.

My days feel so weird without him. It's strange how the world just keeps moving while I’m in so much pain. I’m flooded with people telling me that he’s in a better place. But a better place is here with me, and I really wish that he was. I can't imagine a time where I’m not sad, I’m trying to trust in the process of time but sometimes it feels unbearable. I don't know what it means to grieve. They say it doesn't get better, only easier, and sometimes that feels true but on the bad days it doesn't.

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Posted

Grinwolf,

I am so very sorry for your loss.  

Losing your love is a life shattering experience.  Your brain has to try to figure out what is real and stable in life and what is not. The structure of your present and future life has just been shattered.  It takes time to mentally sort through all the pieces and find a way forward.

Give yourself time.  Let yourself grieve. 

Try not to think about the future right now. It can be too overwhelming.  Getting through today is enough. 

Gail

 

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Posted

I wish I could take away your pain grinwolf. It’s almost been 6 months since my lovely wife Chong committed suicide. My kids and I never saw it coming.  She had many health issues and we think her most recent prescription pushed her over the edge.  For me the shock has worn off to a degree, but pain and guilt haunt me every day.  Some days are very bad, and I have to force myself to go to work.  Others are a bit easier. As Gail said, “getting through today is enough”.  

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Posted

Hello Grinwolf,

I am very sorry for your loss.  You mentioned that you feel as though you 'don't know how to grieve'.  

Yes you do.  It is the pain in your heart.  It is the lump in your throat that comes when you think about HOW UNFAIR Colin's death was.

I have learned that addicts try and hide what they are doing.  They know you will be disappointed in them, and try to make them stop - but they don't want to stop, so they hide.

Some people are better hiders that others.  Colin's death was tragic.  Allow your self time to sort through your feelings.  You have had a terrible shock, and you need time to heal your emotional hurts.  It takes as long as it takes.

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Posted
16 hours ago, grinwolf said:

Addicts are good people, just sick people.

My husband came to me and confessed three weeks before he died that he'd been using Meth.  His boss had turned him on to it in an effort to get him to work harder, faster, he already did as much as humanly possible and they broke his lifting restrictions for his back continually!  I am so thankful he did confess.  I researched all night, with info for him, what it does to one's body, what I'd require of him, and how to get off of it.  You are so right, it is a sickness and not reflective of the entirety of who they are.  After he died, I realized more and more the extent of his lies/theft from our household, he left me in huge debt...$72,000.00...I had to remortgage my house that I'd had paid off before marrying him.  

It took me quite a while to process everything, his death, the lies, everything, it was hard.  I felt anger and rightly so.  But I'm also thankful he at least acknowledged it of his own free will, before he died he was already in rehab and looking into in-house rehab on his own.  I believe he would have beat it but I don't kid myself (I am a realist), I know the path would not have been easy.  The average person it takes seven tries to get off of it.

7 hours ago, jmmosley53 said:

They know you will be disappointed in them, and try to make them stop

True.  I know he made a STUPID decision/choice, but I also know his heart/motives were pure if misguided.  How much better it would have been had he told his boss where to go and pumped gas locally!  THAT we could deal with!  But losing him, that is the hardest thing I've ever been through in my life, I love and miss him each and every day, and it's been over 15 years.

16 hours ago, grinwolf said:

I’m flooded with people telling me that he’s in a better place. But a better place is here with me, and I really wish that he was.

People say stupid inappropriate things in an effort to cheer us up and mostly they just don't know what to say so out in comes.  Better for them to hold their tongues and just BE with us!  Go service our car or bring us a casserole, but don't open their mouth and say bunk to us!  You're not alone, we've all been recipients of that.  :(

I am so sorry for your loss, we want to be here for you as you go through this.  It's good that you are able to voice yourself, know that HERE you are heard!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

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